my world just fell apart.
Sorry for making this journal entry in a computer. I think that I could express better with typing, because the words flow much faster than when I’m writing.
Yesterday, I think my world just fell apart. My mother went to the Philippines after she discovered she had a lump on her breast. She just had surgery and the doctor diagnosed her with breast cancer. We had the news that she will get an operation at Friday, and when I heard there is a possibility it was breast cancer, my intuition told me it was breast cancer. You won’t believe the feeling I felt when my dad told me the news. It felt like.. Harsh reality is finally knocking on my door. My other friends experienced things like this before, as they told me their family experiences, but I never thought this happen to our family.
I miss my mother so much. Yet I feel so guilty inside for all the stress and pain I have caused her. The times where I felt anger towards her – and she felt anger towards me. All these feelings are swirling around my mind, but then it’s so hard to write them down. When I do, it doesn’t really seem to distinguish the feelings inside of me.
I never felt as scared as these past few nights. I’m scared of what’s going to happen, the burden that we are about to face. I’m scared of lots things that I don’t want to say right now.
The only person in my class that knows about this is my
best friend. I told her the news and asked her to be with me throughout this, to support me whatever happens, and she said ‘of course, I’ll be there with you’.
Words can’t express how scared I am. I’m scared for things that might happen. How my dad is going to take it, in front of me, he acts strong but I’m scared of what he’s feeling inside. That it’s killing him like it’s killing me. That’s why I want him to be strong in front me so I don’t have to see him in pain. Vice versa to me, I act strong in front of him so he doesn’t see me suffering. I’m scared what the others will think – my family friends, my friends in class. Whether they will act differently around me, but then, I want them to be the same old friends I had before. Because of this, I have made to the decision that I won’t tell anyone just yet.
Yesterday, when we heard the news, we were on the way to a party. Since it was a small party, with all of our close family friends, my dad decided to tell the bad news to them. I could still see their sympathetic eyes towards me. The most compassionate and caring feeling that I could see from them. It was the most intense feeling that I never experienced from anyone before.
My mom already had the operation. Her left breast was removed, including the lump. The cancer stage is yet to be revealed in around 5 days. I am praying so hard that it won’t be one of the severe stages. Please let it not be. After we find out what stage she is, I think she has to undergo chemotherapy. I heard chemotherapy is an extremely difficult process. I am praying to God as well that my mother could handle this, to give her the strength to win this battle. I want her to know that we all support her – my sister, my dad and me, will always be there for her no matter what.
My mother’s sister had died of breast cancer during 2002. I remember that she discovered she had that lump on her breast, and then she was diagnosed with cancer. After she had undergone chemotherapy, all of us were almost certain that they’re were no cancer cells left in her body. But then we found it – but it was too late. I don’t really remember the exact details, probably because I was young in that stage, so I didn’t fully understand of what was going on. But that was then. Now, I’m already 14, I have matured to a great extent. My father has already shown me that he needs to give me the exact news – whether it is good or bad.
My father has discussed me about how we need to adjust our situation here. Since we have no maid for quite some time now, I need to start learning how to take care of the house. My dad is even giving me the option of either having a part-time maid, or even a full-time maid as well. I haven’t made my decision yet, because when I think of it, having a full-time maid doesn’t really prepare me for anything. When I’m older, like in college, I need to develop the ability to take care of myself – including the place where I’m staying. I feel that I should learn now, and not let someone do the work for me. But I’m still reconsidering.
My dad told me that my mother won’t be coming back to Jakarta for a long period of time, not even in 2006. I don’t know whether I could live without my mother for so long. I am starting to miss her greatly even though it hasn’t been a week since she has left. My father told me that he needs to go visit my mom frequently, so he will be flying here to Philippines every now and then. And because of that, he has given me the option of either staying here in Jakarta until I graduate in grade 11, or reconsider moving to Philippines to the school where my sister is, and staying with my grandmother’s. I really don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to choose, I absolutely want to be closer to my mother, but then I never lived in Philippines for more than a month. I am afraid of experiencing culture shock, and isolation because I never got around learning and talking the Tagalog language. My grandmother and all my relatives in Philippines don’t really know how to speak English, and I have lived Indonesia for all my life. I know that lots of people in this world had experienced this sort of thing – truthfully, I don’t know whether I will or I just can’t.
I have stayed in Cita Buana for a long time, and it’s definitely difficult for me to move school. I have been with my friends for so long now, as I cannot imagine continuing life without them. Maybe that’s a problem with me – I get so attached to people I am close to that I have trouble getting along with new ones. That’s a problem I want to discuss later on.
My friends keep telling me that my life is *perfect*. My best friend and I were discussing this for awhile. She was telling me her family problems – how I had never had any and how she wanted my life to be like mine. I selfishly thought it was flattering so regretfully, I barely said any word. My life isn’t perfect. Nothing is perfect – I want all my friends to know that. Now, when I imagine telling me how my life is perfect, I desperately want to tell them it isn’t. But then, I know they will ask me what is wrong with my life, but I feel I am not ready, or I don’t want to tell them.
Life isn’t perfect
Everyone wants theirs to be
Whether it’s having fame and fortune
Or just simple things like wanting to be loved
Everyone wants their life to be just the way they want it to be
But then, what’s the use of life if it’s just like that?
You see, life is having visions
Having dreams and goals
It’s definitely not something where you just snap your fingers and you’ll find it on your doorstep
But it’s all up to you
Life is about experiencing
What you want and don’t want
Life is a journey
Throughout the journey
We tend to find broken tires and smashed windows
But then we find someone
Or something
That can deal with it
How long will it take?
It depends on how broken your tires are
Or how smashed your windows are
But it’s something that can be fixed
Whether it looks like it can’t
It can always be
Just remember
Have faith in yourself
Learn to accept your flaws
And your talents
Don’t lock them in the treasure chest inside you
And throw away the key along the way
Make use of them throughout your journey
The experiences you have
The glory
The shake-ups
Don’t throw them away too
Always keep them there
Good things will happen to you
Only if you let them
So put a smile on your face
Accept what is yet to come
For all we know
Being on top of the world
Doesn’t mean leaving all your problems behind
I am developing the habit of making poems. I just made that poem about five minutes before. I am feeling so much better right now. I want to open my creativeness a bit wider – making poems that express my innermost feelings. I always have felt the potential of my creative world inside of me is growing…
note: this was actually written in 27th November
Yesterday, I think my world just fell apart. My mother went to the Philippines after she discovered she had a lump on her breast. She just had surgery and the doctor diagnosed her with breast cancer. We had the news that she will get an operation at Friday, and when I heard there is a possibility it was breast cancer, my intuition told me it was breast cancer. You won’t believe the feeling I felt when my dad told me the news. It felt like.. Harsh reality is finally knocking on my door. My other friends experienced things like this before, as they told me their family experiences, but I never thought this happen to our family.
I miss my mother so much. Yet I feel so guilty inside for all the stress and pain I have caused her. The times where I felt anger towards her – and she felt anger towards me. All these feelings are swirling around my mind, but then it’s so hard to write them down. When I do, it doesn’t really seem to distinguish the feelings inside of me.
I never felt as scared as these past few nights. I’m scared of what’s going to happen, the burden that we are about to face. I’m scared of lots things that I don’t want to say right now.
The only person in my class that knows about this is my
best friend. I told her the news and asked her to be with me throughout this, to support me whatever happens, and she said ‘of course, I’ll be there with you’.
Words can’t express how scared I am. I’m scared for things that might happen. How my dad is going to take it, in front of me, he acts strong but I’m scared of what he’s feeling inside. That it’s killing him like it’s killing me. That’s why I want him to be strong in front me so I don’t have to see him in pain. Vice versa to me, I act strong in front of him so he doesn’t see me suffering. I’m scared what the others will think – my family friends, my friends in class. Whether they will act differently around me, but then, I want them to be the same old friends I had before. Because of this, I have made to the decision that I won’t tell anyone just yet.
Yesterday, when we heard the news, we were on the way to a party. Since it was a small party, with all of our close family friends, my dad decided to tell the bad news to them. I could still see their sympathetic eyes towards me. The most compassionate and caring feeling that I could see from them. It was the most intense feeling that I never experienced from anyone before.
My mom already had the operation. Her left breast was removed, including the lump. The cancer stage is yet to be revealed in around 5 days. I am praying so hard that it won’t be one of the severe stages. Please let it not be. After we find out what stage she is, I think she has to undergo chemotherapy. I heard chemotherapy is an extremely difficult process. I am praying to God as well that my mother could handle this, to give her the strength to win this battle. I want her to know that we all support her – my sister, my dad and me, will always be there for her no matter what.
My mother’s sister had died of breast cancer during 2002. I remember that she discovered she had that lump on her breast, and then she was diagnosed with cancer. After she had undergone chemotherapy, all of us were almost certain that they’re were no cancer cells left in her body. But then we found it – but it was too late. I don’t really remember the exact details, probably because I was young in that stage, so I didn’t fully understand of what was going on. But that was then. Now, I’m already 14, I have matured to a great extent. My father has already shown me that he needs to give me the exact news – whether it is good or bad.
My father has discussed me about how we need to adjust our situation here. Since we have no maid for quite some time now, I need to start learning how to take care of the house. My dad is even giving me the option of either having a part-time maid, or even a full-time maid as well. I haven’t made my decision yet, because when I think of it, having a full-time maid doesn’t really prepare me for anything. When I’m older, like in college, I need to develop the ability to take care of myself – including the place where I’m staying. I feel that I should learn now, and not let someone do the work for me. But I’m still reconsidering.
My dad told me that my mother won’t be coming back to Jakarta for a long period of time, not even in 2006. I don’t know whether I could live without my mother for so long. I am starting to miss her greatly even though it hasn’t been a week since she has left. My father told me that he needs to go visit my mom frequently, so he will be flying here to Philippines every now and then. And because of that, he has given me the option of either staying here in Jakarta until I graduate in grade 11, or reconsider moving to Philippines to the school where my sister is, and staying with my grandmother’s. I really don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to choose, I absolutely want to be closer to my mother, but then I never lived in Philippines for more than a month. I am afraid of experiencing culture shock, and isolation because I never got around learning and talking the Tagalog language. My grandmother and all my relatives in Philippines don’t really know how to speak English, and I have lived Indonesia for all my life. I know that lots of people in this world had experienced this sort of thing – truthfully, I don’t know whether I will or I just can’t.
I have stayed in Cita Buana for a long time, and it’s definitely difficult for me to move school. I have been with my friends for so long now, as I cannot imagine continuing life without them. Maybe that’s a problem with me – I get so attached to people I am close to that I have trouble getting along with new ones. That’s a problem I want to discuss later on.
My friends keep telling me that my life is *perfect*. My best friend and I were discussing this for awhile. She was telling me her family problems – how I had never had any and how she wanted my life to be like mine. I selfishly thought it was flattering so regretfully, I barely said any word. My life isn’t perfect. Nothing is perfect – I want all my friends to know that. Now, when I imagine telling me how my life is perfect, I desperately want to tell them it isn’t. But then, I know they will ask me what is wrong with my life, but I feel I am not ready, or I don’t want to tell them.
Life isn’t perfect
Everyone wants theirs to be
Whether it’s having fame and fortune
Or just simple things like wanting to be loved
Everyone wants their life to be just the way they want it to be
But then, what’s the use of life if it’s just like that?
You see, life is having visions
Having dreams and goals
It’s definitely not something where you just snap your fingers and you’ll find it on your doorstep
But it’s all up to you
Life is about experiencing
What you want and don’t want
Life is a journey
Throughout the journey
We tend to find broken tires and smashed windows
But then we find someone
Or something
That can deal with it
How long will it take?
It depends on how broken your tires are
Or how smashed your windows are
But it’s something that can be fixed
Whether it looks like it can’t
It can always be
Just remember
Have faith in yourself
Learn to accept your flaws
And your talents
Don’t lock them in the treasure chest inside you
And throw away the key along the way
Make use of them throughout your journey
The experiences you have
The glory
The shake-ups
Don’t throw them away too
Always keep them there
Good things will happen to you
Only if you let them
So put a smile on your face
Accept what is yet to come
For all we know
Being on top of the world
Doesn’t mean leaving all your problems behind
I am developing the habit of making poems. I just made that poem about five minutes before. I am feeling so much better right now. I want to open my creativeness a bit wider – making poems that express my innermost feelings. I always have felt the potential of my creative world inside of me is growing…
note: this was actually written in 27th November
posted by Jellybean at 6:09 AM
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