Move Along..

okayy... i sorta get some news - nothing really big, really

• i'm so quiet nowadays - i am beginning to realize it. it's not that deep down inside i want to be loud, well, actually i do, but the thing is, i feel so much comfortable quiet then loud. prolly that's the reason why i act hyper only whenever i'm surrounded with my close friends. i don't know whether it's a good thing or bad thing, but there's still a part of me where i feel i don't really belong at the moment. i really don't think it's because of my mom's recent diagnosis, it's just that, i think my life is sorta boring, and because of that, i start thinking of questions inside my head to ask that person. it pretty sucks, i really envy the people who have a million things to say towards one another. it seems like that whenever they're with me, they don't know what to say or something. i hate that. but now, i feel better with myself, after all, i am right after school, cause my mom's not here anymore :( my best friend is starting to talk about bf stuff around the gals who have bf as well - stuff like how they make out, how it feels like, etc. it really makes me feel sorta sucky because i never had a bf before. i really just don't want to be the last one, you know? i haven't met the right one just yet, and i'm betting that'll appear when i'm 30 something.
• my love life sucks. the only thing that keepin me going on is that at least i'm not the only one, you know? argggh, it aggravates me that i haven't found the right one yet.. it seems the only guy that suits me is some fudgin rock star..(can you say..pete wentz?).. i know it sounds lame and all, but i see something through him - his works and all. his comments in his journal and interviews as well. he does such an awesome job at expressing himself - words can't express how i look up on him. plus, he's so lush!!! plus, i really don't think that if i like a guy that at least has my standards, the guy would like me back.

talk about teenage miseries. how misery loved me.

• musique. one of the things that brighten up my life. i'm still definitely listening 2 fall out boy - it's like i can't seem to get enough of them. it fudgin sucks that i still don't have cable - i can't see their musique videos! but i really hope since i might go to an internet cafe tommorow - that the internet connection might be DSL or any other fast one, and i can download and see the videos. oh gosh, i really hope so. i noticed my feelings for him have started to decline, and i don't want that honestly! with all my surroundings have at least an interest, i don't wanna feel left out as i already almost am! my home's internet sorta is slow, its so annoying!
• sometimes i feel like i'm experiencing deja vu or something within my blogs. when i write something, it feels that i had already written before, you know? its weird, cause it's true - i might have expressed it before in earlier posts.
• knowing from my earlier words, i guess you can say i developed a fear of being the odd one out of the group. i really don't want to, but i want to respect my boundaries, i'm pretty sure that they respect mine, and while i'm trying to find it, there enjoying themselves with their new experiences. i hate feeling left out. it's the worst feeling in the world
• dude, there's something wrong with my eye. it's not exactly itchy, it just feels that something foreign inside it and its really fudgin irritating. i had the red eye last night while watching one tree hill. i hate it!
• things are going well with my mother, i guess. since it's my dad's bday today, i think he called her up and i got a chance to talk to her for awhile. even though her voice was enthusiastic i really could tell that she was keeping her tears welled up. you know, her voice started breaking. that almost made me cry myself. but then i held my head up - and continued playing the fall out boy songs. i know that she'll fight this sickness, i just know it. but my fears for her getting it once again or even me or my sister getting it is not as certain as it. i know that doesn't really make sense, but still. i really hope she's going to be okay. my Christian faith is somehow starting to increase - SLOWLY! i want to increase my faith slowly but surely, not fast and..NOT surely..i totally believe in my Catholic faith. i have totaly respect for it and all, but the problem is actually following it you know?
• i hate guys in our class. its such a FUDGIN SHAME that we are forced to spend the rest of our school lives with them. yet, i want their attention. umm, attention and respect as well. they really don't do anything, but that's the thing, you know? the guys are starting to focus on our physical appearances. they start 'cat-calling' and you know..observe the hot girls. i like to think myself as the in-between, not the hottest but not the low-rated either. like..in-between, you know? but sometimes i feel the pangs of jealousy come when the majority of hot girls are being noticed by the guys. well, that's my feeling. i spilled it out. sometimes, i think that some of my friends also tend to experience the same thing. i really hate to say this, but the only thing that keeps me going on is that i'm not exactly the low-rated ones, and the fact that they're are low-rated ones (i really fudgin hate this, i hate those words! it makes me sound so cruel, you know?) is that the guys will pick me instead of them. i know it's such a horrible feeling! i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it!!!!!!! that's why i hate those guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why can't they have guys that judge from their personalities as well, you know?!!!!!!!!!!

i feel like moving school. having a new life. but the thing is, the only place where i really want to go is just a dream inside my growing imagination. i don't think there's a place in the real world that i could feel accepted. :( i've been a cibun student for nearly all my life.

my heart is an open wound without you

brothers and sisters,

xoxoxoxo

XO here i go...scream my LUNGS OUT! from trying to get to you..you are my only one.. xO

angel?!?! angel-ica