Dancing With Myself..

i hate this.
apparently, one of my friend's mom caught her condoms that we bought (i don't know, there were times where i bought them myself, and with other people as well..sorry for having a quick 'condom' fetish) and now she's getting in trouble.
i don't know whether to blame myself or something. it's definitely a huge issue, she claims that she's going to call my dad. i'm definitely going to be in huge trouble - he knows i have those condoms, but if another parent is involved, it'll bring a wide huge speculation. i bet one of them is involving reputation (which in my opinion, is sort of understandable) and all. i'm scared for my friend and myself, whether my reputation is going to be affected. i think this is going to be quite a lesson for me >> don't buy condoms?
i don't know, right now, mixed feelings are in the air. i just don't know. first of all, i'm worried about the phone calling thing. and second of all, i'm scared that word will get out. i know her sister and friend know about it, but i'm not sure whether it's going to change their perspective of me. i don't know whether her mom is going to change her opinion of me. it's really scary right now. overall of this, i just hope that her mom can get it over with, i mean, i know it's understandable that she's terribly concerned what the assumption is, but the truth is, we really didn't do anything about it. it was all just a JOKE.
i'm quite worried as well what my other friend would think of me. there's only one in particular that i'm thinking, and i'm not that close to but we run in the same circles. i'm scared whether she's going to think that the reason why she got in all trouble is because of my fault. and then she's going to tell the others. and then they're all going to turn against me. or in other words, blame me for what happened to her. i don't know, its all complicated in my head. i like to think that i suffer from huge paranoa.
i know i won't be buying any condoms in the future.
now she's not going to one of my other friend's birthday sleepover, which is a HUGE BUMMER. i hate this. i seriously hate this.
now i should be careful in my future actions regarding my reputation. i won't club in the future, won't try smoking whasoever. speaking of reputation, i want to keep up the good reputation. i hope it isn't too late. sometimes, when i say this, it seems that i'm exaggerating what the current situation is, but i don't know. it somehow makes sense of it all in some way. it's hard to explain i guess.
yesterday, i wrote up one of my future goals is to study in the same university that my dad went to. he really wants me to follow his footsteps. apparently, that university has a high reputable atmosphere, and it's pretty hard to get in. i need to ace the SATS. and that's not all. he wants me to finish school at the 11th grade. the whole situation is pretty complicated and i don't feel like explaining everything, and i know it seems like a lot to ask for, but you know, regarding what the current situation is here, i really don't mind. i don't feel like there's really a huge issue regarding this. i don't know, somehow it all feels fine. and why do i have a feeling like it's all going to change somehow???!
ohh, i hope everything turns out alright. i know it will, but still, you know??????! i hate the anticipation.
what else?? it's going to be around a couple of weeks more till i get to visit the Philippines!! yeahh, i heard that the huuuuuge mall had just opened. it's like the 5th hugest mall in the world, i can't wait to see it!!!!!!
ohhhh gawsh, have you ever got that feeling that when you manage to distract yourself from a huge problem and shift the focus towards something else, you feel sort of guilty, or some feeling that it's all going to come back at you? like, it's karma for not focusing on it. the thing is, i have that fear while i'm waiting for a friend's reply SMSing that she's thinking bad thoughts about me or something like that, or whatever. i just hope that it'll all cool off before it goes even worse. i just hope that my dad won't get called by her mom. he already has enough to deal with. arggh, i have this fear as well that when he's home, she's going to call my home number and i answer, and then she either wants to talk to me, or asks to talk to my dad. arggh, i hate this soo much!
well, wish me for the best.
i still hate this.
oh and by the way, i hate my stomach. seriously, i'm not joking. it's like a huge water bed mattress. it's just so chubby and flubby. every exercise i do doesn't benefit the appearance. but when i try not eating for awhile, it sort of shrinks but then, it comes straight back when i start eating again. it's just so annoying. it's getting bigger by the second. i swear, it has a mind of it's own. i get so jealous whenever i see a flat stomach. seriously, i just hate seeing it right now. i used to think it was just bloated and all, but now i'm sure that it's pure fat. after all the times that i remember overeating (yepp, i do overeat, now i'm admitting to that) and now i know how i got this. i just hate it now, i'm trying my best not to overeat anymore. i hope i'm not into a road of food-obessive behaviour or even worse, a food disorder. i see all those flat stomach and bodies and i wonder, did they do the right thing losing that weight. cause i have a friend which might have a mild case of bulimia. i don't know whether she continues this, but i heard this from a friend. and she's pretty skinny, you know? i admire her body, but when i thought about how she got that, it just made me stop liking it. and when i see those perfectly-shaped bodies in movies and all that, i really wonder whether they stick their fingers up through their throats or go throughout the day without eating anything to get those bodies. when i see healthy bodies that were acheived by exercise and healthy diets, i would admire those instead ofthose stick-thin bodies. but i can't help but feel envy when i compare those to mine in the end, i guess.
i've been exercising downstairs more. it feel good. i hope it's all worth it.
i hope it's all worth it.