The Future Freaks Me Out..
strangest doses of jealousy continue to haunt me.
the future does freak me out. last night, was a night which i will most probably remember in the near future. i dunno if i can say it was an awakening emancipation, but it did quite feel like it.
i couldn't sleep at all. i tried everything - listening to sweet n soul music (i did manage to get a few minutes of shut-eye while listening to kings of convenience. i'm completely in love with their music. alli remember right now is thinking...about pain mostly. about the pain that was bound to go after me in the future. about the pain where i most likely won't be able to erase emotionally. about death, about loss, about loneliness.
there is something that just keeps hanging on inside of me - it didn't do anything painful to me but it has to be yanked out. feel pain first before feeling the cold comfort.
then i tried switching my attention into watching tv till i fall asleep. i must admit, that's my favorite way of falling asleep - with the tv on. that way, the noise will wrap itself around me as i dream of nothing. i don't like silence anymore. it has become an enemy in disguise in me. that's why i resort myself to music and tv noise - to accompany me from the hollow silence.
i don't want to feel loss. i don't want to lose the people around me. i don't want to feel lonely anymore. yet it stills calls out my name, and like a person stuck on the dark alley streets, you still got to follow with whatever light may shine upon you. i look around and i can't help but compare myself towards the people who seem to have it better than me. then i blame myself for it. i just keep feeling lonely. from the inner demons inside of me that keeps reminding me that nearly everyone has better social skills and that they have tons of friends, unlike me. i hate myself for that. maybe i'm getting tired of being alone. i like being alone, but...let's just put in this way. i'd like to have a nice social life as well. i wish i could have that in college. argghh!!!!! i hope!!
i better go before i drown myself in self-pity. i hope i change this year.
i really do.
the future does freak me out. last night, was a night which i will most probably remember in the near future. i dunno if i can say it was an awakening emancipation, but it did quite feel like it.
i couldn't sleep at all. i tried everything - listening to sweet n soul music (i did manage to get a few minutes of shut-eye while listening to kings of convenience. i'm completely in love with their music. alli remember right now is thinking...about pain mostly. about the pain that was bound to go after me in the future. about the pain where i most likely won't be able to erase emotionally. about death, about loss, about loneliness.
there is something that just keeps hanging on inside of me - it didn't do anything painful to me but it has to be yanked out. feel pain first before feeling the cold comfort.
then i tried switching my attention into watching tv till i fall asleep. i must admit, that's my favorite way of falling asleep - with the tv on. that way, the noise will wrap itself around me as i dream of nothing. i don't like silence anymore. it has become an enemy in disguise in me. that's why i resort myself to music and tv noise - to accompany me from the hollow silence.
i don't want to feel loss. i don't want to lose the people around me. i don't want to feel lonely anymore. yet it stills calls out my name, and like a person stuck on the dark alley streets, you still got to follow with whatever light may shine upon you. i look around and i can't help but compare myself towards the people who seem to have it better than me. then i blame myself for it. i just keep feeling lonely. from the inner demons inside of me that keeps reminding me that nearly everyone has better social skills and that they have tons of friends, unlike me. i hate myself for that. maybe i'm getting tired of being alone. i like being alone, but...let's just put in this way. i'd like to have a nice social life as well. i wish i could have that in college. argghh!!!!! i hope!!
i better go before i drown myself in self-pity. i hope i change this year.
i really do.
posted by Jellybean at 3:51 AM
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