Nice To Know You
Brothers and sisters.
Yesterday was pretty awful, I guess. First of all, my dad sort of shouted at me about our financial problems. He was like, “You’re lucky that I was able to buy your handphone but our debt is like..” and he maneuvered a pretty high level. It was pretty upsetting, I must admit. He started saying, “You must understand our financial problems” And I was like, I DO! Maybe I might have overdone it, I guess. Anyways, do you want to know why he shouted at me in the first place. It was when I was getting ready for school. He wanted to talk to me and then the talk was basically about me staying here in Jakarta while he will go to Manila to visit my mother. During KL, he told me I could go, but now, I guess he changed his mind. First of all, I think he was trying to cover our financial problem by saying they were worried about my studies. And then, you know I got pretty upset, and yeah. I was all like, “If you don’t want me to go, I’ll stay here”. I was disappointed, but sort of eager at the same time to understand our financial problem. Anyways, when I was about to leave for school, I kissed him on the head, and when I was about to go open the door, he asked “What time are you going home from ITC?” and all of a sudden, he started shouting “Why are you mad?” I was pretty shocked. I mean, I do fudgin understand about our financial problem, but still, does he actually understand how much I want to see my mother??? Yeah, all that shouting and all. And then after awhile when it was sort of quiet (I guess he run out of things to say) and he wanted me to kiss him goodbye (Please understand, he says) and I left. I was almost in tears, I remember my eyes brimming with tears as I went down. I was mad because he shouted at me at the first place, mostly for not understanding how I feel. I was mad because I couldn’t get to see my mother again for a pretty longtime. And I was mad because we had the financial problem in the first place. And I was mad that he was definitely going to tell that girl I was talking about who hangs out with us every time we go out for church. I’m like 99.5% sure. If she dares to give me that bitchy look when we meet, I swear. I must admit, that I started being nice to her and all last weekend. I remember feeling absolutely no anger at her. But if she acts normal and all, I won’t mind.
I didn’t tell my friends yet. And I’m not planning to. I know it sounds stupid and all, but I like being the girl that everyone thinks their life is sort of perfect. I mean, my friends say I have no problems at all, but that just means I do a darn good job of keeping it to myself. All bottled up. I only spill it to my blogs, which probably someday, someone in another place somewhere around the world could read, and probably, understand. I understand I’m not perfect. Totally understand it. But I like to think…it’s really complicated to explain. Probably I’m just scared of what people think of me. Yeah, I think I’m like that. And so is everyone else. I mean, I bought that handphone just to be, like, a part of the people who have cameras in their handphones. I mean, when people buy new handphones, at least a little feeling inside of them wants to show it off. But then, I feel sorry for the people who don’t have it yet, or can’t afford it. Because in reality, I’m in there place as well, in some way. My dad hasn’t paid for my school yet, and I can’t get my report card. One of my biggest fears is one of the teachers knowing, and spilling it out in front of the classroom. I don’t want anyone to know about it. So I think I try to hide it by buying a handphone or something. I don’t do it intentionally, but in some way, I do that.
I have flaws. Everyone does, I guess. I have just spilled mine. I may not say it directly, but I guess I’ll leave it up to you to judge me.
* I wish there’s someone out there who have similar problems I am currently experiencing.
* I remember my dad saying, “That’s why we’re sending you to Philippines, because your school here is so expensive. You know how many months we haven’t paid for your tuition fees?” I replied, “4 months”
* Now, my feelings for returning to Philippines have been slowly declining. I still know, even though I have those feelings, I’m still ending up going there.
To me, I think living in Jakarta is a better luxury than living in Philippines. First of all, I go to a national-plus school, and the school my parents are planning me to go is probably a national school. And here, I have a cool awesome car, but the car I have in Philippines isn’t as nice. I shouldn’t be talking about this, it’ll make me judge even more. The important thing is, I should understand (I’m really trying) about our current situation. But here I am, wasting about an hour or something by downloading a few songs. *Sighs* I shouldn’t be doing this.
· Feeling like the world is against me someway. It doesn’t seem right at all. I think I have a disorder. A disorder that doesn’t have a name yet. It feels that no one understands me. There may be someone out there that probably could, but it’s out of reach. I think of things in contradicting ways. It’s hard to explain. I’m so flawed. Gosh, this is depressing.
· No one understands me. This sucks.
Yesterday was pretty awful, I guess. First of all, my dad sort of shouted at me about our financial problems. He was like, “You’re lucky that I was able to buy your handphone but our debt is like..” and he maneuvered a pretty high level. It was pretty upsetting, I must admit. He started saying, “You must understand our financial problems” And I was like, I DO! Maybe I might have overdone it, I guess. Anyways, do you want to know why he shouted at me in the first place. It was when I was getting ready for school. He wanted to talk to me and then the talk was basically about me staying here in Jakarta while he will go to Manila to visit my mother. During KL, he told me I could go, but now, I guess he changed his mind. First of all, I think he was trying to cover our financial problem by saying they were worried about my studies. And then, you know I got pretty upset, and yeah. I was all like, “If you don’t want me to go, I’ll stay here”. I was disappointed, but sort of eager at the same time to understand our financial problem. Anyways, when I was about to leave for school, I kissed him on the head, and when I was about to go open the door, he asked “What time are you going home from ITC?” and all of a sudden, he started shouting “Why are you mad?” I was pretty shocked. I mean, I do fudgin understand about our financial problem, but still, does he actually understand how much I want to see my mother??? Yeah, all that shouting and all. And then after awhile when it was sort of quiet (I guess he run out of things to say) and he wanted me to kiss him goodbye (Please understand, he says) and I left. I was almost in tears, I remember my eyes brimming with tears as I went down. I was mad because he shouted at me at the first place, mostly for not understanding how I feel. I was mad because I couldn’t get to see my mother again for a pretty longtime. And I was mad because we had the financial problem in the first place. And I was mad that he was definitely going to tell that girl I was talking about who hangs out with us every time we go out for church. I’m like 99.5% sure. If she dares to give me that bitchy look when we meet, I swear. I must admit, that I started being nice to her and all last weekend. I remember feeling absolutely no anger at her. But if she acts normal and all, I won’t mind.
I didn’t tell my friends yet. And I’m not planning to. I know it sounds stupid and all, but I like being the girl that everyone thinks their life is sort of perfect. I mean, my friends say I have no problems at all, but that just means I do a darn good job of keeping it to myself. All bottled up. I only spill it to my blogs, which probably someday, someone in another place somewhere around the world could read, and probably, understand. I understand I’m not perfect. Totally understand it. But I like to think…it’s really complicated to explain. Probably I’m just scared of what people think of me. Yeah, I think I’m like that. And so is everyone else. I mean, I bought that handphone just to be, like, a part of the people who have cameras in their handphones. I mean, when people buy new handphones, at least a little feeling inside of them wants to show it off. But then, I feel sorry for the people who don’t have it yet, or can’t afford it. Because in reality, I’m in there place as well, in some way. My dad hasn’t paid for my school yet, and I can’t get my report card. One of my biggest fears is one of the teachers knowing, and spilling it out in front of the classroom. I don’t want anyone to know about it. So I think I try to hide it by buying a handphone or something. I don’t do it intentionally, but in some way, I do that.
I have flaws. Everyone does, I guess. I have just spilled mine. I may not say it directly, but I guess I’ll leave it up to you to judge me.
* I wish there’s someone out there who have similar problems I am currently experiencing.
* I remember my dad saying, “That’s why we’re sending you to Philippines, because your school here is so expensive. You know how many months we haven’t paid for your tuition fees?” I replied, “4 months”
* Now, my feelings for returning to Philippines have been slowly declining. I still know, even though I have those feelings, I’m still ending up going there.
To me, I think living in Jakarta is a better luxury than living in Philippines. First of all, I go to a national-plus school, and the school my parents are planning me to go is probably a national school. And here, I have a cool awesome car, but the car I have in Philippines isn’t as nice. I shouldn’t be talking about this, it’ll make me judge even more. The important thing is, I should understand (I’m really trying) about our current situation. But here I am, wasting about an hour or something by downloading a few songs. *Sighs* I shouldn’t be doing this.
· Feeling like the world is against me someway. It doesn’t seem right at all. I think I have a disorder. A disorder that doesn’t have a name yet. It feels that no one understands me. There may be someone out there that probably could, but it’s out of reach. I think of things in contradicting ways. It’s hard to explain. I’m so flawed. Gosh, this is depressing.
· No one understands me. This sucks.
posted by Jellybean at 2:26 AM
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