Growing Up...

I’ve just had a weird sort-of encounter with my best friend just before. I went over to her house to hangout and all, but it ended sort of weird, in a way. It’s like, she wanted more in her life. Okay, that sounded totally what I did not want it to sound, but it’s like..okay, I’ll try and tell you the whole story..
We were sort of bored and started looking at friendster.com, and all the people we knew who had profiles and all. And, I don’t know, I think when she saw one of us in the class pose in a picture with another person or something, she turns all quiet and all. I try not to disturb that, or in another way, feel in the same way as she does, by trying to comment on it or something. I don’t know if it really sounds fake or something, but I guess it’s the best I could do at that moment. Anyways, it’s like, she wants herself to be in the pictures or something, or just to have better social life. In my opinion, I think she already has a good social life – compared to mine. I’m trying my best to start over and maintain good friendships, and most of all, start new ones, or something. I don’t really feel that with the other people in school, because the main thing, I don’t really speak bahasa Indonesia, and all, but I guess there’s people out there that I can be friends with. I just don’t know where to start or something. I already talked about this, I remember. But still, I want to be the girl who gets random SMSes from friends out of school during school, or just a phone call a week from someone who she just hung out in the mall..aah, you know what I mean? I guess I really want a social friendship life. I’m beginning to think more of friends than I should have been before. It’s all coming back to me in some way. I never really thought strongly as I have now about friendships before.
The bad thing is, it’s like when I start talking to them, I really want to try to stop being self-conscious and creating an awkardish image for myself. I really hate myself for that.
Hmmm, what else? I get awkward chatting with people when she’s around. I don’t know, it’s like in some way, she disapproves or something. It’s really weird, I think she sort of knows it, but then again, I think it’s one of those things that I really am paranoid.
Tommorow I have quite a busy schedule. With the usual friends in class. Hahahah, after the dentist, I’m going to meet Fanny again in Chitos because she wants to meet this random guy who regularly smses and calls her (see?!!!!????). But I have weird doubts that I may not get along with them. Oh and yes, because of the same reason – I don’t speak bahasa Indonesia too well. I think that’s starting to become an issue for me then. Imagine having an issue like that in a place where you basically lived your whole life compared to going to a place and having to learn a new language that you’re not too fond of, sort of, and all. It scares me.
Anyways, I’m going to meet them with her and all, but I have weird damn doubts. It’s freaky, I hope she doesn’t ditch me for them. I am also secretly hoping that one of his friends (yup, he’s apparently inviting his friends or something) can speak English fluently or something. After that, I’m going to Christy’s house and then we’re going to this pre-Valentine’s party thing. I hope it’s going to pretty awesome – we meet new people and friends and all that. After that, I’m sleeping over in her house and yeahhh…
I am secretly hoping that she doesn’t get bored of me or something. I hate that. someone getting bored because of me. Argghh. One of my worst enemies. That and rejection. That and financial problems. Speaking of that, I got a letter in Thursday regarding the outstanding debt from school. They say that we must pay by Monday or else they would have to take strict measures or something. Arggh, I hope it goes out soon. I hope that those darn clients would pay beforehand. I don’t want to skip school. I really don’t. I hope not. I wish not. I pray not. Why do I have a funny little feeling that it’s not going to work out in enough time, but then, everything will be alright? Arrggh. Let’s just fix this quickly but surely at the same time, and get a move on. I don’t want to carry this burden around, which seems to get heavier and heavier as the day goes by, I try to ignore it or put it back in my mind, it comes back to me times three. The impact is much more harsher in some way, you know? Just writing this relives this failure. I don’t consider it a failure (damn, my hands hurt from typing. It’s getting sort of cramped which is really starting to irritate me in some way) but still, it goes on, haunting me and all. It’s really starting to get on my nerves. Same goes to my mom with cancer. I think I know what’s going to be the impact – it’s going to be the hardest impact ever on me. I don’t know why I feel this, but I think I should say it for some reason. I think I’m going to get it.
At school, I got mad at someone for such a stupid reason. I hate getting mad for stupid reasons. It makes me feel stupid later on. I hate that. It’s my number one enemy as well. Just stupidly embarrassing myself – and letting people to talk about me or something. Either that or it’s just all in my brain. Stupid me sometimes.
I have deadlines. As treasurer of the high school student council it is my duty to create posters for the upcoming Valentines dance and the tickets as well. I already finished the design for the poster and all I gotta do is print them out. I was going to before school ended, but then the printer didn’t work for some reason. I hope it works at Monday! I also gotta do the tickets. Arggh. I don’t know how I am, but I will, somehow. After all, I want to make a good impression towards the other high school people and all. It’s my duty.
Valentines Dance. Okay, I’m just going to write one more thought for today before I finish. Ooh and Pete Wentz is a total fox. I just gotta say that once again. He’s such a babe. It’s a shame FOB didn’t win the Grammys last night. It’s such a shame I didn’t even watch it! Stupid me. Oooh, and I saw in their official website that they’re looking for extras for their new video. ARGGGHHH! It totally definitely sucks (seriously, words can’t express how it sucks) that I can’t be a part of it. L seriously, is there any chance that I can meet them some way?
Anyway, Valentines Day. I’m taking my bestie. I don’t reckon anyone is going to ask me, cause our school is pathetic at love relationships, in my opinion. It really is.
I think something at the past might be blossoming once again in people’s minds. During science, the guy I went to the 7th grade prom (and broke my heart in the 8th) sat next me at the lab. The girls besides my best friend who was sitting next to me, was sitting across from us. And then they starting noticing that we sat next to each other and all, and they were all like, “You’re soooooooo cute!” and they start smiling and going all over it. I can’t help but smile and blush at the attention and all, but seriously, will I ever start having feelings for him again. I guess I like the feeling of my friends sort of teasing me regarding a boy (yup, I just admitted that) and all, but after you strip it all away, I don’t have any special feelings for him other than just a friend. He’s a pretty good friend. But other than that… I don’t think so. He broke my heart *sobs* before. That sort of ruined it. Hahahaha
I kept my promise (sort of)
Kings of Convenience…here I come!
I heart Pete Wentz >>> I sort of don’t like sharing you with other people, but I guess I can handle it….
I heart Pete Wentz >>>> he’s a total fox – inside his heart and outside as well. Gosh he’s sexy.