Everything..

Fuck, organizing prom is so stressing.
I'm scared shiteless about what other people would think because the hotel that we picked might have some 'controversies', if you know what I mean.
We might have to start moving on a fast pace because time is running out fast. There are some critics out there but you know what, I don't care. I should keep focused on the job that needs to be done.
Let me be honest with you:
*I can't think about my prom dress, let alone how I'm going to do my makeup and hair with all of this going on
* You see, what I said before, I'm stuck between two places. One is almost out of our budget, but it's considered safe, you know? The other one, is really on our budget but the big problem is the location. If we can get a good price for the transportation cost (one of my friends has an idea that if parents are too worried about the location, we should hire a bus so the people that may want to meet up in school can go through there.) I hate the location of that place. Stupid location.
* Other than that, I don't seem to think we have any other problem with that. Other than getting the word out and making sure that people know the details about it.
* I hate having to have like, plan our prom on a budget. We really haven't done anything that could have given us revenue so that was a main issue in this.
You know what, I've been thinking about this way over my head. I just really want to make a good prom (despite our measly little budget). I just am really worried about what other people may think, you know?
I really hate worrying about this.
Jeez, make it stop! :(
Now it's the time where the reality kicks in. Whoa, I'm like really leaving. I already had most of my bags and shirts and other stuff packed and ready to go. It's going to be one more month and then it's all over.
I hate leaving my boyfriend and my friends as well. Jakarta will always be my home, despite a few obvious flaws, you know?
But it'll be a great chance to start over your life you know?
Things with my best friend is alright. Sometimes I get annoyed by her but sometimes it's okay. I guess this was the time where I don't feel as close as I was to her anymore. I mean, I could tell her everything and not REALLY have to worry about what she thinks. But now, I just.. don't want to, you know? I think she feels the same way as well.
Sometimes I imagine that in the future, maybe after a year of college, we all come back for a high school reunion. Everyone in our class is there. He'll be there, and he'll find me so irreristible that we ge together for one night.
It may not seem as romantic as it may seem, but I can't really explain it in words.

I really need to start working out ASAP. My stomach :(

I'll Be Seeing You..

tEither I'm really paranoid or something, but I think things are starting to become really different. I don't know whether I'm allowing it to overcome my head, or that it's just the way it is.

Take my best friend for example. Like I said before, sometimes I feel that she's not happy because I have a relationship. It's totally not because she's jealous or anything, it's like, I have something that she doesn't. Sometimes I feel she's totally alright with it, but then there are times where it isn't. Sometimes I feel left out. :( Like wasn't as close to her as I was before. I guess I have to get comfortable with it, you know, balancing things equally, but let me tell you, it's pretty hard sometimes.

And even though I'm pretty much annoyed with him and his friends because of last night, on his way from dropping me home, his friends were there. And they were teasing him about his major major celebrity crush for like the longest time. And it doesn't even seem to hit him that his current gf was actually there. Like I was simply thin air. Maybe it's a guy thing. Like, he didn't even make an effort to like, close the damn stereo. All he did was like, lower the volume for like 5 seconds and then put it back on. It's like he wanted it. I wasn pretending to be asleep but I heard every word. And then one of them just had to 'wake' me up.

Sometimes they're okay, sometimes they're just plain annoying. I mean, you know, typical guys. I've shed tears because of them, but you know, I just have to wipe them and let life go on. Immature is what they are. Like in front of other girls, they're all like, opposite of what they really are. My bestie was right. Jeez.

You know sometimes I just wish there was an actual 'gentleman' who was hot, smart, and just plain charismatic towards the girls. That should set an example for them. I don't know, let M find a new awesome guy, another hot guy comes and starts liking me and stuff, you know, just to get them realize how damn immature they are.

I don't know, my boyfriend does a lot, he says a lot, sometimes he acts a lot, but sometimes it doesn't feel enough. I don't want to tell him this, I just want him to realize it. Last night, after I shed some tears, I would like to imagine how a gentleman would treat me. You know, tell me how beautiful I am, how he loves me so much, strokes my hair (before I actually strokes his), wraps his arms around me, and all that. Whatever I do FIRST, I'll get it back SECONDLY.

I know it's just a celebrity crush, but still. I remember the time; it was sometime around last year and he was head over heels madly infatuated with her. Yes, yes I know I felt like that towards another specific celebrity but I didn't publicly announce to everyone. Everyone knew about mine, but it wasn't as bad as his.

He smsed me this morning, but I figured I don't reply. I just feel so lazy after what happened last night. After that night, I figured I let myself go head over heels after him, and I should start putting more important things such as school, friends, family first over him.

The next day.
You know what, I'm going to stop talking about my love life. It seems so, unnecessary and loved-up. Let's just say that we had a fight last night, and we both (yes, he cried) ended up crying on the phone. I don't want to get into details, but things now are okay. I guess I could be really sensitive and stubborn at the same time which makes it a double punch, but I respect, I mean really love it that he can actually put up with that. Last night, I asked him whether we should stop it before it gets deeply serious, and he didn't want to. I kept on reminding him that it'll be 100 million times harder when we actually leave, but he said, yeah, I'll take it, if it means spending more time with you. I can't believe he cried last night, I mean, like almost really hard.
I dunno, after that night, I feel so much closer to him than I ever was before. Right now, I'm going to try and not think about anything sexual, because I have to admit, I usually do that. I just need to focus on how awesome he is to talk to and be around with.
Today, he visited me. We went to his car and just hung out. He played me the song he wrote for me..it's called the 'Jellybean Song'. I guess that was probably the most sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. I'm always going to remember when I was in the front seat and he climbed in the back to get the guitar. When he got it, he started playing the song. I was facing at front, I didn't want to look at the back. First, I was like, okay, he's singing this really sweet song. But then, when I started listening to the lyrics, I remember one in particular, it sort of goes, 'I remember when we looked at the stars, I remember when you kissed me..' I was like, trying so damn hard to hold it all in, but after awhile, the tears started streaming down my face. When he was done, I looked back, with my face all teary, and then we started hugging. I kept on saying, 'Thank you, thank you so much'.
I'll never ever forget about that. I just want to put it in words before it all goes away...
<3

Beautiful Girl..

I just realized how much I'm in love with 'Beautiful Girl' by Jose Marie Chan (fellow Filipino!)
Anyway, yesterday I wrote a poem for my boyfriend. I sort of spilled nearly everything of what I felt for him in that poem. I really wanted to like it. I gave it to him after school. I told him to come follow me into the back of the cafeteria and I gave him the envelope. He already knew about it and opened it and basically, yeah he started reading it. I remember him reading the first page for like, the longest time, (either that or the time for me was ticking so slowly), and yeah. He told me he loved it and said those three words again. and again. I love hugging him.
Anyway, I could tell some people in school are starting to feel the summer syndrome. People are already starting to get a lil lazy. All I want to do is to plan the whole prom thing and mostly, get ENOUGH damn funds for the actual thing. I also want to confirm the venue. Now we're down to two venues. Both have their plus and minuses. One of them has the package already which includes everything like decoration, music, lighting, but the place is not that as great as the second one. The second is so..awesome but then like, we have to go the extra mile for the decoration, music, lighting, and all that. Jeez, I really hope we can get this sorted out ASAP.
College is starting soo soon, I swear. I really don't know what to expect. Like what I said earlier, I just want to enjoy the rest of high school and let the worryness and whatnot come later. I got to start packing soon. Probably I will after I finish doing some of my homework.
I will fly into your arms
And be with you
Till the end of time

Only Fooling Myself..

Sex changes everything in a relationship.
Today, it was seriously all I could think about it. I just regained consciousness back to normalness like half an hour ago, but before, I just felt so H. I mean, sometimes, I couldn't control it for some reason. Lately, I've been thinking about how/whether/when/why if me and him gone all the way. I don't know why afterwards it makes me feel so guilty. I like our relationship, we have mutual respect to one each other.
I just hope we passed the infatuation stage. After what happened last night, getting caught and all that, it worries me. It didn't worry as much as it did last time.
I remember feeling self-conscious about my body (cause I haven't worked out yet and I have some new self issues about my boobs) towards him. My stomach especially. That's why I promised myself to like, start working out.
Sex..and getting caught..changes everything. But what he told me is to have a 'I dont give a s***' attitude about the whole thing. You know, just don't let it affect me the whole way. I feel that way sometimes but then the chameleon of me tells me that my feelings and attitude will change in the next hours.
Right now I feel that we've gone pretty far. Not all the way, but definitely far. Sometimes I consider whether I should go all the way in this age (it just struck me today how much young teenage girls already started sex) or not. I don't know.
Well, I don't know. I'm having an open discussion forum inside my head. Conflicting ideas after the other.

Beat It..

so much things to do. so little time.

so much homework, yet i've concentrated so much of my time looking for a suitable venue for prom. i've wasted my pulsa calling several different hotels and inquiring for several different deals and all that.

this is is the business world that i'm getting my first taste. and i'm loving it. despite dealing with several people and their opinions. i mean, seriously, i don't want to like complain about my best friend but sometimes i just have a feeling that she wants to see me fail for some reason. i don't know, but i just feel far away from her, and she has like, no intention of rekindling our relationship. i guess it's like we're drifting away.

I don’t know why on Earth was I feeling super, absolutely the ‘h word’ yesterday. I just wanted him to be there. I just wanted to like, jump on him, like seriously.
Hahaha, anyway the night ended quite badly. I mean, I think we’re not going to fool around for any time longer. Apparently, the satpams (as they call it here) caught us like, ‘in the middle of the act’ which was so f-in embaressing. He got super pissed and I had to like, stop him from doing anything stupid. He was all like, ‘I’m gonna beat their asses’ and all that.
When it was all finally over, the feeling of guilt started to overcome me. I was in a position where the whole pregnancy scare could have been possible. This time, I doubt it, but still. Another thing that’s coming back to taunt me is the whole situation whether my mom will find out from those darn satpams. Finally last night we sort of had a confrontation with them, and I told them but not in a pleading way to like, ‘OK, we’ll stop but don’t tell anyone, because we have privacy as well’ and they’re all like, ‘Yes yes, we won’t tell anyone’. Seriously, if they do…
Anyway, I already overcome my pregnancy scare last time. But now, the chances are pretty slim and I know we’re not going to do that anytime soon.
Sometimes my thoughts usually contradict me. But I keep telling myself that I’m in the prime of my youth and I should enjoy it as much as I can. You know, have fun?
Sometimes I feel that I’m not satisfying him, but he’s being a real sweetie about it. He was like, “If you don’t feel comfortable, just tell me. It’s alright.”
Last night made me realize. I’m not sure if I decided that I’m ready or anything, but I just want to make sure that everything goes out smoothly. I’m not saying that I want it to be perfect or anything, but I just don’t want to get pregnant or anything.
I think I’m a Liberal Catholic. I don’t know if there’s such thing, but I really love God. I believe with every inch of my body, but then, my thoughts on some topics are still lighthearted. I think He’s given us much more freedom than some people might expect.
I don’t know. I’m just giving in my two cents.
It’s very highly unlikely.
Let me do my homework and continue stressing about PROM.

Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on the Creek..

It was just a pregnancy scare.
Next time, I'll be careful. Like, last night =)
I have an idea.
Since I have like, 2 more months left of high school left, I'm gonna make a new blog when I move to college. I'm sort of bored with this one nonetheless, the feelings are still there.
Current thoughts:
* This was probably the best period of my life. I feel so happy when I went to the toilet to pee, and I saw the stain. I was like, 'Thank you! Thank you!' and like, neveragain will I be that reckless.
I'm thinking about losing my virgnity. Right now, my heart is telling me to wait. I mean, having sex at 16 is pretty darn young. I think my head is way too immature for something grandioso like that. I dont' know whether it'll change or not. Hopefully, it won't.
* Yesterday on my date with him, I felt pretty weird. Like it wasn't the same. I dunno whether it's those damn hormones that's messing with me or something. The mall was pretty crowded and I felt.. so underdressed for some reason. Yes, I like to dress, but that time I felt not so pretty in front of him =( And I had this cut near my eye from which I scratched myself (long story) which made me feel, not pretty for some reason. Probably that's just it.
* The day before yesterday, I hung out with my barkada. However, I don't know, it felt pretty different with my best friend. I don't really like confronting the problem because sometimes I feel that she doesn't care. I hate feeling like that. What I really like is things to be back to normal, you know? Right now, I don't want to think probably she's jealous or anything like that because that'll just mean I'm totally full of it. And I'm not. I really want our friendship to be like the way it was. I would like to feel like that before I leave.
* I haven't been working out at all this past week. Gym time next week baby!
* I haven't been doing my homework as studiously as I was before. I've got to get back at it before the motivation drive goes back to zero. And shite, I have to perform this damn bahasa indo play thing in front of everybody tommorow!
New ideas for the blog:
* More pictures..more details..more exposure..links..and something way fancier than this one.