Crazy..

iseverybody going crazYYYY? CAN ANYBODY SAVE ME??? >> I got that from a popular Simple Plan song. I'm not a huge fan of Simple Plan, though.
Dude, I feel so insincere about my looks. It's like, I feel so undervalued when guys like L**** and Y**** compare us girls in the classroom. And the worst thing is, I think the girls who have *high ratings* sort of like it for some reason! I think I talked about this before, but right now, there's more info about that based from what happened today.
Arrghh, I just want all this stop, I swear. I want to get rid of the guys that specially like doing this. Those are the guys that I mentioned earlier. Oh gawwsh, I hate this so much, I swear! It's like they choose favorites among us or something based on our looks. Seriously, I really hope this stops. Either that, or (I can't beliveve I'm about to say this) they start having more *respect* for me. I don't know if respect is the right for this.
I keep thinking that, maybe I need a boyfriend to reassure myself that I'm beautiful in their eyes. I don't know why I should care much about what they think of me. That's one of my insecurities that I just confessed. I care a lot of what people think of me, and that makes me sort of 'self-conscious and withdrawn'. And when it's simple things like watching a band or listening to myself or something, I picture myself in my head how do I look like through other people's eyes. I know its a weird thing - but it's one of the things I notice about myself.
In their eyes, I'm like *average*. Based on their opinions, I think I'm just in-between or something. And it's just based on my looks compared to the other girls. And I know that a couple of them (maybe all, I just don't know. This is based on my observances..good gosh, I sound like an idiotic spy or something) sort of enjoy it. Arrghh, call me jealous (am I? I really don't know) but I just don't want them to flash it in front of everyone or something.
Insecurities confessed.
I miss Fall Out Boy. I miss Pete Wentz.I want them to perform here in Jakarta. By the way, I had the weirdest dream they actually performed here. It was weird....

Ha, I'm currently *infatuated* by someone who I never even met. Arrgghh, this sucks a$$
Alright, one of my friends confessed to this guy who she is really really in LOVE with yesterday, but the problem is - he's leaving for London at Friday. Anyways, I knew that he liked her back from a long time ago (yes, I had to keep this secret from her, which was one of the hardest things to do but the fact that I'm the only girl who knew about this kept me from spilling it to her) and I was really darn glad that she did it (she's so in love with him, seriously words can't explain her love for him) and that made him confess his feelings for her as well. One thing that I really regret is that he's fudgin leaving tommorow!!!! A few months ago, he and I had this chat of the chances of having a short-term relationship. I really tried to convince him, but he's the type of guy who plans all the pros and cons, look-before-you-leap, kind of guy that examines every single sort of criteria before he does anything. Yet, everyone loves him and he has a very VERY special place in the class. It's a pity that he's leaving. It's only been a couple of weeks since he officially left school and we have the guys and the girls spilling their sexual confesions. It's also a pity that he left not only because of the awesome relationship he would have had with C****** but a friendship bond between him and me. Besides his crush, I think I'm the closest girl.....friend!!!!! I like that a lot.
xP
But we'll see him in the summer of 2007.
It sucks a$$ I wasn't able to hug him the last day we met (which was yesterday) I really regretted that. Oh well.
He'll always have a special place in our class. Always.
Sometimes I think that C***** will be close with me just because I am close with him. I really don't know. I want our friendship to work even though it's without him now. Tommorow she's sleeping over, and I hope we can be close as we were before.
Let's fall in love from the beginning all over again.
It seems the only guy I want to be with is Pete Wentz. I know that some time from now, I'm going to read this post and realize how *infatuated* I was with this celebrity. But I want it to be some sort of mark. Some sort of memory. Like a tattoo or something.
I want my future boyfriend to have as much similiarities as Pete Wentz.
Alright, my values and all are influenced by myself and peers. OKay, today, L**** and the girls that...have gone further in sexual experiences had confession while the other girls and the other guys (who were like 2 metres behind us). They confessed about their previous sexual experiences. To me it seems that the girls have progressed more than the guys. In fact, the only guy that had any real sexual experiences with another girl is L****. Y**** just sort of tags along - hahahaah, he asked N**** and M** out but they both said NO! *that made sort of feel better, I don't really know why*
Out of the nine girls in our class, I guess that four are sexually active. Half of them already lost their virginities already. Thank goodness there are more girls with their values and beliefs the same as me. It's like during that confession, they actually wanted to tell it, you know? Just to see a guy's reaction, you know? Just to make them imagine what happened and have stupid secret fantasies about them, basically just make them *hotter* and sort of like that. I think they're already sucked into that. I could see that in my best friend, F****. She was like, "Wohoo! I'm the first one (to lose her virginity) while the L**** seriously pretends to gag while she confesses it. I guess it's their game of being a part of cool with this person's sexual experience and this one's as well.
I seriously can't believe that we're talking about people doing these crazy actions freely, you know? I think everyone already knows in the class. I won't mention any, but I could notice that it's becoming a trend somehow. And we're only fourteen-fifteen year olds in 9th grade! It's like they're going to lose their virginity before they reach sixteen or something in 2005. Who knows what could happen in 2007 or 2010? Will this sort of talk happen in 6th grade??
What's my opinion? I sort of understand that when we're with our bf/gf we lose 'control', you know? But I never really experienced, you know? But I heard stories and all that and sort of imagined if was in their shoes and all that. But still, if that ever happens, I think it's better to keep the most intimate parts of it private. But you never know, your bf/gf might tell their friends. It's a definitely a vicious cycle. But who knows? Maybe in years time, it'll be somewhat 'normal' trend in the teenage society. Consider too normal.
You know what I really want? I still don't know whether I want a boyfriend. Maybe I am but maybe I'm just saying that because of all the influences and surroundings of me. If I concentrate deep in my heart....I WANT PETE WENTZ!!! Hahahha, I'm sort of kidding. But..do I really want a boyfriend? I really think that I just haven't met the person that has all the qualities. I am finally writing this so I can get it off my head. If I get it off my head, maybe it will able to happen. I know that sounds sort of..ridiculous, but still.....you know?

• I want a guy that looks like Pete Wentz. xP
• Someone who preferrebly plays guitar or bass. AND CAN SING! >>>>>>>> IN a band. So I can join as well! xP xP
• Good personality - who's lighthearted during the lighthearted moments, whose serious in the serious moments. Who can make me laugh. Who I can depend on when the going gets tough.
• Who is not embaressed with public displays of affection.
• Good kisser with good 'moves'...a must.
• Who can seriously write. Poetic yet real and serious >>>> Pete Wentz!
• Who can make the first move in all times. Like a real guy. (yeah, call me old-fashioned!!!!) A DEFINITE MUST HAVE!
• Who all my friends like (not in that way, but just like, 'aw, you guys make the CUTEST COUPLE!!!')
• Who the guys could be friends with (prefer a guy whose not in my school. remember, absence makes the heart grown fonderr...pete wentz *sighs*)
• Buys me presents xP treats me like a princess..
• ROCKER style + attitude. Alright, I must admit if you hadn't noticed, that I'm creating an outlook from what I see in Pete's personality.
• Who doesn't do drugs. I know that sounds seriously weird, but you know, who has absolutely STRONG values. Non'smoker, please.
• Whose friendly with families. xP
• Who looks good in photos.
• Who likes hugging and cuddling!!! I love that!!!!!
• Most important thing of all >>>>> who accepts me for who i am. who accepts my flawed personality as i accept his. who likes me for my personality not only as looks.
• oh yea, one more thing. he must like musique like FALL OUT BOY!

I feel so self-absorbed when I say stuff like this. In my opinion, so..self-absorbing.. I kinda doubt that a guy like that would appear, and if he would, i really don't know if he'll like me back. Argggh, i wish that guy could find me. The thing is, I don't know when!!!! I just hope so badly..

I just like that feeling in my schedule. Like it's my commitment. You know? Like, every Friday, I have a date with him. After I go home from soccer, I take a soccer, get myself ready, and I go to Chitos or PIM or even in some special hangouts, these really awesome resteraunts and cafes in Kemang *sighs*....When we watch movies, we cuddle, we make out, and all that.. Not only we're comfortable with the pyschicalness but the mindess as well - like we can talk about almost everything, you know? Like we'll ever run out of things to say or something. I don't want that. And then he drops me off, I go back home, remember all the stuff we did. Argggghh, i want that SO BADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i really hope when i get that, i don't use it to show off towards my friends. i hope the most intimate parts are left off private and not just an 'OMG! issue of friend talk. you know what i mean?

my thoughts are all drained out. i think i need a break. i think i'll clean my lyric book or notes or whatever, or clean the house before christy comes over tommorow. hope it'll be fun!

infinite x's and o's.

*angelica*