Singled Out..

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mindworries are washed out to seaSee the changes, peoples faces burnt outlike sun spots on raindropsNow all those feelings those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in timeBut today I've wasted awayfor today is on my mindLeft the only worries I had in my hands away form the light in my eyesHolding tight and try not to hide how I feel cause feelings mean nothingNow all those feelings those yesterdays feelings
will all be lost in timeBut today I've wasted away for today is on my mindYa today is on my mindI can't get awayFeeling so lonelybreaking a part of this love in my heartClose my eyes and move to the back of my mindfeelings mean nothingNow all those feelings those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in timeBut today I've wasted away for today is on my mindfor today is on my mindya today is on my mindI can't get awayI'm feeling so lonelybreaking a part of this love in my heart
In case your wondering, it's the song lyrics to a song that i really like It’s called Yesterday’s Feelings by The Used. They’re pretty hard on emo and screamo, I guess. Sorry, I can’t really tell the types of rock musique. Anyways, yesterday, I went to Chitos after a sleepover in Christy’s. I was supposed to hang out with *Farrah there but then there was a sudden family emergency. Apparently, her mother accidentally swallowed some sort of poison mistakenly for cough medicine and because she has some sort of liver or lung cancer, it could be fatal. Thank goodness she got operated after, and that she is recovering. I talked to her for awhile (even though I was really awkward because I couldn’t really speak bahasa indo and she wasn’t really fluent in English), yea. Thank goodness, she’s alive. *Farrah’s not really open to her mother’s illness. I feel sad for their family, it’s sort of broken. Her real father (not the father her mother is with) is in America, who already is married to another woman) and her sister, I have no clue who’s the real father is. Apparently, her friends outside school are influenced heavily in drugs, and from time to time, they go clubbing together. This went out to the others and now, because it has spread, it gave her a sort of bad reputation. The thing is, she wants to start over and all, but I feel she doesn’t want to give up drinking and clubbing and all that. I mean, I think to myself, you should get rid of the habits that got you in there in the first place, right? If you don’t, there’s a good chance that the bad reputation might start all over and over again. She claims that she doesn’t do as bad as the others, but still, maybe she’s not comparing herself as much towards the others. I really don’t know, but I really hope it’s not as bad as what I heard the others have done.
Recently, her current boyfriend may have f***** another girl, a random girl, good chances it could have been a prostitute along with another guy. And you know who is he – he’s the ex of her! I don’t want to tell you the story of his, it’s even more broken. I don’t understand why she hangs out with people like those – but maybe they have that broken home problem as well.
And after all that, she’s still my best friend. Sometimes I feel intimidated by her, cause our differences are so different. Major contrasts may contradict sometimes but apart from that, I sort of understand her situation and offer her an ear if she wants to talk about it at all. At times, I feel she’s sort of intimidated as well because our family situations are different. She once told me how jealous she was because my family is so together.
But then again, here’s a poem I found in the internet which really speaks out to me. It really explains the feeling I have whenever I tend to experience situations like the one I just mentioned.
Confessions
I'm going through life feeling like it's a dream,I'm not sure how anything is supposed to seem.I get so lost and confused in my very own thoughts,I'll think something, then wonder if I did or not.
I'll start to feel something, then I think it through,Just to be sure that that feeling's true.People often ask me how I'm doing, "Just Fine"Is what I so often find myself replying.
I don't want to tell them, I don't want to speak,For fear that this is all normal, and I'm just weak.Everyone tells me, "You're so strong",I don't want to prove them wrong.
I don't want to admit that I can't cope,That my days are so full of hope.Hope for the strength and the abilityTo finally get myself to see.
No matter how I try, my thoughts are the other way around,I bash, lecture, hurt and put myself down.
'You can do it' --- 'No you can't, don't try again''You deserve happiness' --- 'You deserve nothing but pain''Come on, brush it off. It's ok, get back on your feet'---'No, don't bother, what's the use? You've already been beat'
It's all contradictory, I know,That just goes to show......That I'm lost, I'm confused, I don't understand,I want to be able to ask for a helping hand.
But I'm scared. What if it's all ok?What if everyone goes through it every day?Then it'd be known that I'm just weak and unableTo keep the easiest of things stable.
What if the things that bring me to tears,
Have happened to others every day for years?What if the things that confuse meAre so simple for others to see?
What if the things that cause me to become lost and afraidAre a natural part of everyone else's day?
It would mean that I AM WEAK!!!

Yea, it sort of brings the point across. Sorry if it's sort of confusing because this blog is sort of weird in putting stuff like lyrics and, you know?
Anyways, what else happened? Oh yea, Jessica, Christy and Nesya went over to my house. It was supposed to be just Christy, but then they found out and wanted to come over as well. I think the main purpose because Christy wanted to sleepover in my house was because she really wanted to go the airport to see Anantha. Sadly, I swear I’ll sort of regret this for a part of my life, it didn’t happened. They confessed to each other (FINALLY! After all those months, I swear) that they liked each other. And when the others found out that I knew all along, they sort of got aggravated that I didn’t tell her. But it was really complicated at the time, it’s not like you can just snap your fingers and tell her, because I gave him my word. And I like to think that I tried to push him into telling him, but then I failed. Anantha is the sort of guy that really looks before he leaps, and examines every consequence that might happen. I think the word ‘cautious’ might explain him. I think that’s sort of good and a bad thing, I mean, he should take chances, you know? If I liked a guy who I knew liked me back but then I was leaving, I would try and make a short-term relationship, you know? Nothing too serious, just sort of having fun and imagining all the what-could-have-beens. Oh well, I guess they’ll both move on…in about six or seven months.
The thing is, I’m sort of scared that she’ll get a boyfriend before me. I think it’s going to happen, because psychically, in my opinion and probably the opinions of the others, I think she’s more attractive than me. I know I shouldn’t compare, especially in the outer appearances, but then again, who doesn’t do that nowadays? I don’t know, I’m not as worried as what I’ll feel lonely or whatever, but what the others will think of me. Like, I imagine one of them, laugh at me and say, ‘Hahaha, you don’t have a boyfriend!’ or something like that. Heheehe, I know it sounds sort of lame, but still you know? My personal intuition says that I’ll get my first boyfriend when I’m around 28 or something. I don’t know if that’s the real instinct or just plain sarcasm talking.
I don’t know if they’re making a big issue of being single or it’s just me. I really don’t know..
Anyways, they hung out here. We watched movies and all, we tried to call Anantha, but I didn’t think he would have wanted us to or something. Then, Yonni called Nesya. I have a deep feeling that he likes her. But the thing is, she already has a boyfriend. Ha, imagine the disappointment on his face. He asked us, well actually, HER if she wanted to go to PIM with him. And guess who’s there with them? Mia and Denny! Hahahaahaha, it was pretty funny to us, and we started teasing them about a threesome. Hehehehee, I really think that soon, after because Anantha left and Mia used to have such strong feelings for him, I think Mia and Denny’s going to be together. But I’m not sure whether Denny still has feelings for Christy because apparently, he’s been totally stressed out when he found out that Christy hates him. And you know the reason why she hates him? Because he ‘supposedly’ hates her! I don’t know, it’s very confusing.
I just realized how people talk about themselves nowadays. Most of my friends are, I think I have already accepted it, because I don’t know. It’s just…them. I think I’m talking about myself in this blog. It’s a place where I can criticize and expain and talk about human reality without any one in it know it. If I talk about it with someone else, there’s a good chance it could spread out. And besides, when I talk about myself with someone else, I get all intimidated and all, and then I try to change the subject. And you know what I change the subject to? The person who I’m talking to! I know, it’s very weird. I am a very weird person actually. But I think people have a little bit of weirdness inside of them, even though they don’t want to admit it. I think my fears for talking about myself is either what the person would think of me, or that it’s too much, you know? I don’t know why I’m being so critical of myself towards the opinions and feelings of the others. And I think that writing about it in the blog, or just letting it take the best out of me away, or causing me to stress and all that SILENTLY where no one knows, or do not want to know because they have their own problems and all. I think it’s just my mind wandering, don’t pay attention to it, I probably am not making sense out of all it right now, maybe it’s a thing that only me and my mind can understand.
I noticed before during the sleepover, I was so damn quiet, the reason because I don’t know what to say, or that I’m surrounded by people that I’m not sure gives a big damn out of me, or that I just wasn’t in the mood. Big chances that it’s all of that combined together. Maybe I’m just f***** overreacting. I hear that teenagers tend to exaggerate greatly.
I like people whose experiencing the same things that I am currently experiencing. You know, who can truly express themselves with words and not by talking to other people. Well, maybe we can, but maybe we haven’t found them yet, or maybe, we haven’t realized they have the same sort of thoughts and feelings as we do. I think by writing this, I am isolated by the rest of the environment. Call me an outcast. Whatever. That’s what I am. I’m not trying to be somebody that I really am not.
What am I doing right now? I’m currently importing songs from a few of my CDs to put in my i-pod. I’m not going to use my computer for almost three weeks, cause I’m going to Philippines! Wohoo! I’m going to meet my mother, finally! And shopping *winks*
I was supposed to go to Chitos again today, with my dad, but I don’t know. When he called me and I reminded him, he sounded sort of hesitant. Aww, I really want to go there again. And buy a few tops, skirts, and a bag, and if I can, Converse shoes that’s totally my style. *sighs* if only my dad can be a good mood later. X(
That’s why, I really want a job. In Aksara! Remember I said I like those type of people who stands out from the crowd from their personality, which shines through their style? That’s what I want to be. Different from the other people, but still, manage to have some sort of place in the crowd. I think of myself as very individualistic. Anyways, when I was shopping for the awesome CDs in Aksara, I bought Atticus 3 Dragging the lake. It’s pretty awesome, awesome add to my collection of musique. Thank goodness the majority of songs in my ipod right now are mostly rock, indie musique, but there are some oldies and very few hip hop songs. I think the most embaressing songs that I have are from American Idol, Ashlee Simpson, Avril Lavigne and Janet Jackson. Hahahahah! Anyways, the cashier guy is awesome. He looks like the indo version of that guy (darnit! I forgot his name!) from Foo Fighters, you know, the lead singer, Dave Grohl! Yea, seriously, except that he had long curly hair and a beard, if I’m not mistaken. But his style was awesome, like grunge-ish with a mix of artistic intellectual. He was wearing brown pants with a colorful sweater. I think he’s one of the people who like listening to independent musique while reading a good book. Artistically intellectual, ya know?
I like artistic, intellectual types, you know? Not those whose IQ is like 140 or something, but you know, who can express themselves in their own way, like Pete Wentz. Whose not afraid to stand out from the crowd and whose style is just awesome…I think I’m going to further detail the next time I’m back here in Jakarta.
When I gave him the CD to buy it, he was like (in bahasa, though), ‘you listen to metal, yeah?’. Hahaha, seriously, that guy really looked like Dave Grohl! Speaking of people who look like other people, while I was paying for this pink wifebeater which with a price you just can’t resist, I saw this toddler who looked almost exactly like my sister when she was young! Iswear, it was so similar! I think it was a boy though, but seriously, it was so damn similar!
Alright, what else? Am currently listening to Modest Mouse (their musique is highly unique, and trance-like in my opinion) while it’s being imported. I like to think that my style is vintage rockish. I don’t know yet, but I love clothes like that.
Anyways, I think I’m using the computer too much, it’s been on since the morning. My dad forgot to turn it off right before he went off to work..oh well.. anyways, after I finish sorting out the songs and all, I’ll log off. Alrite..
Infinite x’s and o’s.
Angelica.