15 Minutes..
Note: This was written over the past few days, so it isn't one continous entry.
Sighs. Here we go again.
I hate myself for it. I always thought I had a clear picture, or it was all going to work out, but then I’m seriously right back where it started. My body feels weird. It feels, not normal. My faith in God is the only thing that saves me, yet I’m scared of letting go. I just want within an arm’s reach. Sometimes I feel that I take it all for granted. I really do. Let’s take things into perspective.
7 Deadly Sins
Lust
Greed
Envy
Sloth/Laziness
Anger/Wrath
Pride
Gluttony
LUST
I had an encounter with this one today. I’m sorry to say that it’s ones that hormones are to blame, other than our minds. Hahaha, but yeah. Teenagers have lust, and we all tend to, ahem, express it in several different ways. Most of us think lust is something to do with sexual desires, but really, it could be something as a craving for excitement (in a non sexual way), depraved thought (probably means impure thoughts) which I am sort of getting a little bit. But yeah.
GLUTTONY
Sometimes I think I have this. I don’t know whether I overeat or if I’m just really hungry. I’m really trying to keep my body image intact (flat stomach, I must admit that it might be from media pressure to be IDEAL). But during this holiday, I let myself give in to this excuse to eat A LOT.
GREED
Yeap, sometimes I have this. All it seems to be is to want want want want, especially in materialistic needs. Arggh. I hate having this. People whose life circulates around this in my opinion has to follow one simple rule. Find the difference between want and need. There’s a huge difference if you think about it.
LAZINESS/SLOTH
Yes, dissatisfaction and discontent. I felt this loads of times. Where I wanted something that I didn’t have (yeap, it’s similar to greed) or wasn’t satisfied with what I’ve got. It also means the absence or insufficiency of love. Yes, I’ve felt all of that sometimes. Even when I was aware of it.
WRATH
Anger. Anger. Anger. When I feel that no one understands me and all that. When nothing comes my way and that the world is too busy to recognize me at all. Self-denial. Impatience. One of my recognized flaws is impatience. I hate waiting.
ENVY
Wanting something what your friends have. Maybe it’s also counts where you want something that celebrities have, you know? Like their clothes, houses, friends, and all that. Basically there whole life. With the media nowadays, I definitely know how a majority of teens get INFLUENCED by the snap of the finger.
Sighs, I know I could just ask God for forgiveness and move on. What I’m afraid of is, if I get far but then I would throw it all away in one day. You know what I mean? But today was a day. A day of emancipation. I solemnly promise to myself that I would think things THRICE before I actually pursue them. Lately, I’ve been making myself promises that I don’t keep in the long running. I sort of am disappointed at myself for it. I hope for better choices next time.
I’m imperfect.
I’m flawed.
I make mistakes. It’s just the matter of doing them twice.
I think I’ll take my time to distract myself. The good kind, mind you.
There’s a little ray of hope inside of me that’s been going on for quite a long time. When I’m finished with this blog, I’m hoping to make it public. You know, sort of like the ‘Go Ask Alice’ type but not really assosciated with drugs. Just the mental battle that us teenagers tend to go through. I want to be able to reach out to other people, through writing. My speaking skills are not as ‘reachable’ as my writing, but someday I’ll get there.
I feel inspired today, for some reason. Time to make it shine.
I’m going to let it shine. Hahaha, I hope with all my heart that it’s not temporarily, just like the others.
I hope this is it for the long run.
Alright, let’s talk about another topic. Remember that guy that I used to be like, head over heels for? Now, after watching ‘A Walk to Remember’, as corny as it sounds, but it really is an awesome movie. Now I understand what all the hype it creates. I seriously bawled my eyes out while watching it. Landon Carter is the ultimate key to my soul, I swear. He’s like the perfect gentelemen, bad-boy turned good. He is HOT. I love his clothing style, his personality, everything. He is LUSH. Hahhaa, my perfect guy would be Landon Carter + Pete Wentz. Rawr. Hahaha.
Anyways, I ‘ultimately’ realized that it’s not a race. I know that there are people who get guys before me, but it’s them, you know? It’s just not worth it to make a big deal out of it, rejecting yourself and all that. He will come along. One day.
By the way, that GUY, I think I’m on the road to getting over him. He’s not worth it, I personally think that he’s a player. Maybe he’s got that good heart inside of him, but I think it’s not coming out at the moment’s time. Oh well, he’s still a good friend.
Part of this inspiration wants to me recognize my own flaws. Here’s that dreaded list. My first attempt in making one of these.
FLAWS
STUBBORNESS
My favorite ultimate flaw of mine. Hahah, it’s really popular. Hmm, how can I explain it? Well, I stick to my ideas for most of the time. I mean, when someone has an idea, and one’s in the midst in my head, I tend to follow my own. I reluctantly do there ideas if I really have to. Maybe that’s why I feel so… misunderstood. Maybe I have a tendency for things to go perfectly, in my own way. One little thing and it’s all blown.
PROCRASTINATION
I write a lot just to remind myself to do things. Actually do things. I’m still having trouble with it, but now with the inspiration pouring out of me, I’m feeling confident that the day(s) will come. SOON.
Alrite, before I thought I had more. Seriously, there are more flaws then these two but I can’t seem to figure it out.
I promise you I will.
Oh, that reminds me. Here’s another one.
MAKING PROMISES I MYSELF CAN’T KEEP.
Press your lips to the sculpture and surely you’ll stay.
There I go again, typing down people’s lyrics.
Anyways, hmmm.. well I’ve been listening to TBS ‘Make Damn Sure’ and there’s this line (here I go again) it’s like,
I just want to break you down so badly
And then another one goes like
I’m gonna make damn sure that you won’t something something
Anyways that really relates to what I’m currently experiencing right now. I mean seriously, that jerk. I want to really get back at him, seriously. I’m gonna make damn sure. Okay, I’m not pissed at him…
Maybe I am, but still, it’s like…ARGHHH! OMG..I just really want to get back at him. I know that there’s like, a huge chance that he’s not into me anymore, and it’s just so damn annoying that he just left things be. To be with hotter girls or something, I don’t know. Stupid guy ideology. It’s friggin useless and full of crap. Arggh, I’m just soo pissed. I saw a picture of him *argghhh* and I spent a couple of seconds cursing at him. ARGGHHH.
Okay, I just want to make one thing clear. My feelings for him is just not there anymore. The only thing I want to be assosciated with him is to feel the pain. His loss. Haha, I sound so conceited and all, up there, but still! It’s just sooo damn annoying! I really want to get back at him somehow. Really really really want to. REALLY WANT TO SOOOO MUCH. Like let him know what he’s missing or something. Arggh, like, I want to stumble upon him with a sexy yet subtle look and I want him to DROOL…or STARE or whatever..you know movies sometimes do, like when someone gets a makeover and the one that’s supposed to like them but doesn’t, then when they meet for the first time after the makeover, it’s all slow-mo while the person walks and looks drop dead pretty while the guy just stares. I WANT THAT! HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH..man, I sound like a maniac right now. But I really want to get back at him. I’m jumping up and down SCREAMING. Haha, not really screaming but still….I WANT TO SCREAM!
The fact that he has a ‘lot of girls’ right now’ isn’t helping at all!!! ARGGHHH!! So far, I count three! MOFO. Arggh, he’s not worth it. Well, I won’t say that he’s worth it, but I just want to get EVEN with him ASAP. I don’t know how to though.
Better get out the curling iron! Wait, I need to buy one.
I had a shopping trip with my mom today. IN a place where it’s not considered a mall, but more of a plaza. Let me tell you, it’s a great place to get CHEAP music CDs and DVDs, but it’s also a place where there’s a lot of not high quality stuff. You just have to look hard. Some of the clothes are awesome. My mom bought me a pretty good bag and a pair of flats. A couple of cheap music CDs and DVDs. Yeah, it was awesome though.
Anyways I really need to lose some weight. Seriously man. My main goal is to get rid of the stomach flub. I swear, it’s a FAT flub. FATTY STOMACH x( Arggh, I better have to start going to the gym more. I remember the summer vacation, I ate a LOT. Then I lost it during the GK practices. Man I was so proud, my stomach was pretty flat! Now, after it, I regained most of the flub by now. I think it’s doubled by now L
Now, I’m going to the gym MORE often!!!!!!!!!! Arggh, I need a flat stomach. But I made a solemn promise that I won’t lose it by the stupid way. You know, the anoxeric way, or bulimic way. I’m going to do it the healthy way. Cut down my unnecessary eating (I’ve been doing a lot of snack eating during the holidays, I swear) and yeah, it’s time to get rid of the ugly habits anyways.
I had a terrible stomach a while ago. Some of it still there, I can still feel it. Arghh, it felt so bad till I went number two. By the time I finished, most of the pain had already went away. Hahaha, just thought I liked to share with you.
Yesterday I received tons of clothes from one of my rich friends. Hehehe, some of them are right on (a striped mini skirt!) and some of them were A.OK (boob tops!) some of them were just way off (pencil skirts, blehh). Some just needed a little DIY – make it a little bit shorter, or make it V-neck style but others I just did not like it at all. Most of them were from label stores, like SUPRE or MNG. What I really liked was this MNG grey wifebeater, it’s really simple but I heart it. There were some that I really want to keep, but I got to confess that it can’t really fit me anymore L but I hope that the trips to the gym will help it!
I can’t believe myself right now. I just let myself buy a packet of cigarettes downstairs (first I was unbelievably scared that the cashier person won’t let me but it turns out that he did). I already smoked 5 cigarettes. I don’t know, first it was the constant curiosity. What made it seem really damn foolish was that it looked sort of cool. Now my mouth tastes of cigarettes now, and I’m scared whether those 5 cigarettes would actually take an effect on my body now. I don’t want to smoke anymore, sometimes it seems that I won’t do it, but then this sort of aura washes over me. Like, first it’s the sensible side of me, you know, like an angel. But then that aura, a new me, the wilder, more ‘teenager’ sort of feeling wants me to try out of curiosity. Blame the media, blame the society. I think I should also blame myself for being not strong-willed as I think I am. I tried smoking before this, but it was only a few puffs. Now, it’s like 5 cigarettes. I didn’t finish all of them. But now, I know that this is the sliding point whether I want to continue smoking or not. And now, I’m thinking NO. This was one time to satisfy my curiosity and that’s it. NO WAY. Hell no. I don’t want to become those sort of person. First, it’s damn bad for your health. It’s like a thousand chemicals are already swarming in my body right now. I don’t want liver cancer or whatnot. I seriously don’t want that. I already know the effects of smoking. But the whole thing is just curiosity. I already remember that I had a few dreams where I find myself smoking for some reason. Now, I already know the curiosity and I’m not going to do it anymore.
I made a promise to myself that I’m not going to try drugs at all. That’s just messed up.
After this, I’m going to throw out the cigarettes I bought. It’s called Essence, ‘Class A Filter Cigarettes Menthol’.
Arggh, I feel guilty. Mostly to God. I just…I don’t know why I find myself in situations where I feel further and further away from God. Seriously, I hate that man. I’m so flawed. I thought I was strong, but actually, I feel weaker and weaker by the minute.
I hate being a teen. I want to go back to being a kid again. Where times were so much simpler and whatnot.
What’s making it even worse is that the internet cannot work at all. Arggh! I hate this. I need distraction. Now my mouth taste faintly of cigarettes, it’s making me sick.
No way. No way. No way. No way.
I seriously can’t believe I’ve done that. I’m on the brink of losing my youthful innocence. What is youth anyway? Is it the time when we were kids? Or am I just taking my first into youth? I don’t know, but I really don’t want to get myself caught up into the bad influences.
This isn’t for long-term, I hope.
I’m currently waiting for a better day. I don’t think I’m getting enough sleep but, arggh, I feel tired, but I can’t sleep at all! I absolutely hate that feeling.
Anyways, what else? My stomach is still bloating, yet that tired sensation won’t get off, so I don’t feel energized at all. Arggh!!
There’s still plenty to do...
All I need is good night’s sleep! L
Still waiting for a good day.
Sighs. Here we go again.
I hate myself for it. I always thought I had a clear picture, or it was all going to work out, but then I’m seriously right back where it started. My body feels weird. It feels, not normal. My faith in God is the only thing that saves me, yet I’m scared of letting go. I just want within an arm’s reach. Sometimes I feel that I take it all for granted. I really do. Let’s take things into perspective.
7 Deadly Sins
Lust
Greed
Envy
Sloth/Laziness
Anger/Wrath
Pride
Gluttony
LUST
I had an encounter with this one today. I’m sorry to say that it’s ones that hormones are to blame, other than our minds. Hahaha, but yeah. Teenagers have lust, and we all tend to, ahem, express it in several different ways. Most of us think lust is something to do with sexual desires, but really, it could be something as a craving for excitement (in a non sexual way), depraved thought (probably means impure thoughts) which I am sort of getting a little bit. But yeah.
GLUTTONY
Sometimes I think I have this. I don’t know whether I overeat or if I’m just really hungry. I’m really trying to keep my body image intact (flat stomach, I must admit that it might be from media pressure to be IDEAL). But during this holiday, I let myself give in to this excuse to eat A LOT.
GREED
Yeap, sometimes I have this. All it seems to be is to want want want want, especially in materialistic needs. Arggh. I hate having this. People whose life circulates around this in my opinion has to follow one simple rule. Find the difference between want and need. There’s a huge difference if you think about it.
LAZINESS/SLOTH
Yes, dissatisfaction and discontent. I felt this loads of times. Where I wanted something that I didn’t have (yeap, it’s similar to greed) or wasn’t satisfied with what I’ve got. It also means the absence or insufficiency of love. Yes, I’ve felt all of that sometimes. Even when I was aware of it.
WRATH
Anger. Anger. Anger. When I feel that no one understands me and all that. When nothing comes my way and that the world is too busy to recognize me at all. Self-denial. Impatience. One of my recognized flaws is impatience. I hate waiting.
ENVY
Wanting something what your friends have. Maybe it’s also counts where you want something that celebrities have, you know? Like their clothes, houses, friends, and all that. Basically there whole life. With the media nowadays, I definitely know how a majority of teens get INFLUENCED by the snap of the finger.
Sighs, I know I could just ask God for forgiveness and move on. What I’m afraid of is, if I get far but then I would throw it all away in one day. You know what I mean? But today was a day. A day of emancipation. I solemnly promise to myself that I would think things THRICE before I actually pursue them. Lately, I’ve been making myself promises that I don’t keep in the long running. I sort of am disappointed at myself for it. I hope for better choices next time.
I’m imperfect.
I’m flawed.
I make mistakes. It’s just the matter of doing them twice.
I think I’ll take my time to distract myself. The good kind, mind you.
There’s a little ray of hope inside of me that’s been going on for quite a long time. When I’m finished with this blog, I’m hoping to make it public. You know, sort of like the ‘Go Ask Alice’ type but not really assosciated with drugs. Just the mental battle that us teenagers tend to go through. I want to be able to reach out to other people, through writing. My speaking skills are not as ‘reachable’ as my writing, but someday I’ll get there.
I feel inspired today, for some reason. Time to make it shine.
I’m going to let it shine. Hahaha, I hope with all my heart that it’s not temporarily, just like the others.
I hope this is it for the long run.
Alright, let’s talk about another topic. Remember that guy that I used to be like, head over heels for? Now, after watching ‘A Walk to Remember’, as corny as it sounds, but it really is an awesome movie. Now I understand what all the hype it creates. I seriously bawled my eyes out while watching it. Landon Carter is the ultimate key to my soul, I swear. He’s like the perfect gentelemen, bad-boy turned good. He is HOT. I love his clothing style, his personality, everything. He is LUSH. Hahhaa, my perfect guy would be Landon Carter + Pete Wentz. Rawr. Hahaha.
Anyways, I ‘ultimately’ realized that it’s not a race. I know that there are people who get guys before me, but it’s them, you know? It’s just not worth it to make a big deal out of it, rejecting yourself and all that. He will come along. One day.
By the way, that GUY, I think I’m on the road to getting over him. He’s not worth it, I personally think that he’s a player. Maybe he’s got that good heart inside of him, but I think it’s not coming out at the moment’s time. Oh well, he’s still a good friend.
Part of this inspiration wants to me recognize my own flaws. Here’s that dreaded list. My first attempt in making one of these.
FLAWS
STUBBORNESS
My favorite ultimate flaw of mine. Hahah, it’s really popular. Hmm, how can I explain it? Well, I stick to my ideas for most of the time. I mean, when someone has an idea, and one’s in the midst in my head, I tend to follow my own. I reluctantly do there ideas if I really have to. Maybe that’s why I feel so… misunderstood. Maybe I have a tendency for things to go perfectly, in my own way. One little thing and it’s all blown.
PROCRASTINATION
I write a lot just to remind myself to do things. Actually do things. I’m still having trouble with it, but now with the inspiration pouring out of me, I’m feeling confident that the day(s) will come. SOON.
Alrite, before I thought I had more. Seriously, there are more flaws then these two but I can’t seem to figure it out.
I promise you I will.
Oh, that reminds me. Here’s another one.
MAKING PROMISES I MYSELF CAN’T KEEP.
Press your lips to the sculpture and surely you’ll stay.
There I go again, typing down people’s lyrics.
Anyways, hmmm.. well I’ve been listening to TBS ‘Make Damn Sure’ and there’s this line (here I go again) it’s like,
I just want to break you down so badly
And then another one goes like
I’m gonna make damn sure that you won’t something something
Anyways that really relates to what I’m currently experiencing right now. I mean seriously, that jerk. I want to really get back at him, seriously. I’m gonna make damn sure. Okay, I’m not pissed at him…
Maybe I am, but still, it’s like…ARGHHH! OMG..I just really want to get back at him. I know that there’s like, a huge chance that he’s not into me anymore, and it’s just so damn annoying that he just left things be. To be with hotter girls or something, I don’t know. Stupid guy ideology. It’s friggin useless and full of crap. Arggh, I’m just soo pissed. I saw a picture of him *argghhh* and I spent a couple of seconds cursing at him. ARGGHHH.
Okay, I just want to make one thing clear. My feelings for him is just not there anymore. The only thing I want to be assosciated with him is to feel the pain. His loss. Haha, I sound so conceited and all, up there, but still! It’s just sooo damn annoying! I really want to get back at him somehow. Really really really want to. REALLY WANT TO SOOOO MUCH. Like let him know what he’s missing or something. Arggh, like, I want to stumble upon him with a sexy yet subtle look and I want him to DROOL…or STARE or whatever..you know movies sometimes do, like when someone gets a makeover and the one that’s supposed to like them but doesn’t, then when they meet for the first time after the makeover, it’s all slow-mo while the person walks and looks drop dead pretty while the guy just stares. I WANT THAT! HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH..man, I sound like a maniac right now. But I really want to get back at him. I’m jumping up and down SCREAMING. Haha, not really screaming but still….I WANT TO SCREAM!
The fact that he has a ‘lot of girls’ right now’ isn’t helping at all!!! ARGGHHH!! So far, I count three! MOFO. Arggh, he’s not worth it. Well, I won’t say that he’s worth it, but I just want to get EVEN with him ASAP. I don’t know how to though.
Better get out the curling iron! Wait, I need to buy one.
I had a shopping trip with my mom today. IN a place where it’s not considered a mall, but more of a plaza. Let me tell you, it’s a great place to get CHEAP music CDs and DVDs, but it’s also a place where there’s a lot of not high quality stuff. You just have to look hard. Some of the clothes are awesome. My mom bought me a pretty good bag and a pair of flats. A couple of cheap music CDs and DVDs. Yeah, it was awesome though.
Anyways I really need to lose some weight. Seriously man. My main goal is to get rid of the stomach flub. I swear, it’s a FAT flub. FATTY STOMACH x( Arggh, I better have to start going to the gym more. I remember the summer vacation, I ate a LOT. Then I lost it during the GK practices. Man I was so proud, my stomach was pretty flat! Now, after it, I regained most of the flub by now. I think it’s doubled by now L
Now, I’m going to the gym MORE often!!!!!!!!!! Arggh, I need a flat stomach. But I made a solemn promise that I won’t lose it by the stupid way. You know, the anoxeric way, or bulimic way. I’m going to do it the healthy way. Cut down my unnecessary eating (I’ve been doing a lot of snack eating during the holidays, I swear) and yeah, it’s time to get rid of the ugly habits anyways.
I had a terrible stomach a while ago. Some of it still there, I can still feel it. Arghh, it felt so bad till I went number two. By the time I finished, most of the pain had already went away. Hahaha, just thought I liked to share with you.
Yesterday I received tons of clothes from one of my rich friends. Hehehe, some of them are right on (a striped mini skirt!) and some of them were A.OK (boob tops!) some of them were just way off (pencil skirts, blehh). Some just needed a little DIY – make it a little bit shorter, or make it V-neck style but others I just did not like it at all. Most of them were from label stores, like SUPRE or MNG. What I really liked was this MNG grey wifebeater, it’s really simple but I heart it. There were some that I really want to keep, but I got to confess that it can’t really fit me anymore L but I hope that the trips to the gym will help it!
I can’t believe myself right now. I just let myself buy a packet of cigarettes downstairs (first I was unbelievably scared that the cashier person won’t let me but it turns out that he did). I already smoked 5 cigarettes. I don’t know, first it was the constant curiosity. What made it seem really damn foolish was that it looked sort of cool. Now my mouth tastes of cigarettes now, and I’m scared whether those 5 cigarettes would actually take an effect on my body now. I don’t want to smoke anymore, sometimes it seems that I won’t do it, but then this sort of aura washes over me. Like, first it’s the sensible side of me, you know, like an angel. But then that aura, a new me, the wilder, more ‘teenager’ sort of feeling wants me to try out of curiosity. Blame the media, blame the society. I think I should also blame myself for being not strong-willed as I think I am. I tried smoking before this, but it was only a few puffs. Now, it’s like 5 cigarettes. I didn’t finish all of them. But now, I know that this is the sliding point whether I want to continue smoking or not. And now, I’m thinking NO. This was one time to satisfy my curiosity and that’s it. NO WAY. Hell no. I don’t want to become those sort of person. First, it’s damn bad for your health. It’s like a thousand chemicals are already swarming in my body right now. I don’t want liver cancer or whatnot. I seriously don’t want that. I already know the effects of smoking. But the whole thing is just curiosity. I already remember that I had a few dreams where I find myself smoking for some reason. Now, I already know the curiosity and I’m not going to do it anymore.
I made a promise to myself that I’m not going to try drugs at all. That’s just messed up.
After this, I’m going to throw out the cigarettes I bought. It’s called Essence, ‘Class A Filter Cigarettes Menthol’.
Arggh, I feel guilty. Mostly to God. I just…I don’t know why I find myself in situations where I feel further and further away from God. Seriously, I hate that man. I’m so flawed. I thought I was strong, but actually, I feel weaker and weaker by the minute.
I hate being a teen. I want to go back to being a kid again. Where times were so much simpler and whatnot.
What’s making it even worse is that the internet cannot work at all. Arggh! I hate this. I need distraction. Now my mouth taste faintly of cigarettes, it’s making me sick.
No way. No way. No way. No way.
I seriously can’t believe I’ve done that. I’m on the brink of losing my youthful innocence. What is youth anyway? Is it the time when we were kids? Or am I just taking my first into youth? I don’t know, but I really don’t want to get myself caught up into the bad influences.
This isn’t for long-term, I hope.
I’m currently waiting for a better day. I don’t think I’m getting enough sleep but, arggh, I feel tired, but I can’t sleep at all! I absolutely hate that feeling.
Anyways, what else? My stomach is still bloating, yet that tired sensation won’t get off, so I don’t feel energized at all. Arggh!!
There’s still plenty to do...
All I need is good night’s sleep! L
Still waiting for a good day.
posted by Jellybean at 2:50 AM
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