Shake..

Arggh.
The suitcases just went out once again. I never knew time could go this fast.
My instincts tell me… I don’t know. It’s all mixed up in there somewhere. I can’t distinguish which one is the right one. I don’t know whether the real thing is trying to hide inside. I don’t know whether the whole daze that’s going on inside is really something that’s just.. well, the one that I didn’t hope to get. Destiny is calling me. It’s just a shame that the pain after it’s punch came oh so late.
Here I am, thinking about a funeral for some reason. I just hope that I could blame all of this in paranoia in my head somewhat real. I don’t know what I’m saying right now. I’m trying to put these feelings into words, but somehow, it doesn’t come out right. Maybe it never did.
Feelings of guiltiness and whatnot keeps rushing in. I don’t know why I feel guilty. There’s a part of me that always says I could do more. Time is somehow ruining it all. Yet it’s sort of like our leader. We need to follow what the time gives us.
I seriously don’t know what to say right now.
Worst case scenario, I just have to use this time to prepare for the worst. I don’t know whether I could rely on myself after all that’s been through, let alone if others need it. I don’t know. I want to be strong for myself. But I don’t know whether the strength I have is enough for another.
I don’t know.
I have to rely on God. He’ll definitely give the strength and wisdom to get through this difficult time. But over these past months, I quickly realized that even though I have God by my side, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s going to be easy. From what I experienced, it’s like having that net that catches you right before you drop dead on the cement floor.
I don’t feel like talking about love=boys. There are way more important issues then that. It’s damn shame that I should have realized that earlier.
In today’s household, we talked about this scripture;
Jesus said to his disciples, “Be on your guard; let not your hearts be weighed down with a life of pleasure, drunkenness and worldly cares, lest that day catch you suddenly as a trap. For it will come upon all the inhabitants of the whole earth. But watch at all times and pray, that you may be able to escape all that is bound to happen and to stand before the Son of Man.”
That would definitely be one of the most powerful Bible scriptures that I would remember.
Arggh. I think my parents are the ones that really care about me, but they don’t express it that much. It sometimes feels like I got to express it first. I don’t know, from that alone, it creates a gap between us. How do you explain it? Hmm, it’s like, when I ask them if I could go somewhere, they would agree. My mom doesn’t do that, she expresses her mind like, totally free, and me and my father has to go through it. Consider it a must. Sometimes it annoys the hell out of me. The anger then turns into guiltiness. Like right now.
Sometimes I wish I could make the whole person
I hope my mom turns out alright. I hope my highest hopes. Despite her major flaws, I can’t imagine life without her.
Lately, I’m not that happy with the person I’m becoming. I don’t know, it’s part of an illusion that I always get sucked into. I want to be a person that not only God would be proud of, but also as myself, and also (despite my stubbornness) the eyes of other people. I think I found the fucking cure. I think I just care about what people think of me first. I mean, seriously, I care what people think of me too much.