Mystery Achievement..

whoa.
am i really happy now? if i were to tell you, i don't know. sometimes i think that the only way to be truly happy is change myself. drastically? probably in-between. sometimes i do things that i regret later on, pangs of self-humiliation or immaturity or self-consciousness. wait, do they all mean the same thing?
i just can't tolerate how some other people do it. yet at the same time, i let it influence me, gradually, then suddenly.
i know i should only focus on myself - and not let the influences of others take over me. but i can get sucked in pretty easily, but that doesn't necessarily mean that i'm easy to drop all my things in terms for another. i can't really explain, but it shows at the most private times.
i guess i'm not explaining correctly what it's supposed to be. and here i am, trying to find a college major regarding writing. i don't know, i guess that's what i want to do, and people say i'm good at it, but seriously, can i make it? these doubts and worries, that i'll let everybody down, and worse, let myself down.
omg. i can't wait till high school finishes. the more i think about it, the more i hate it. the more i get completely absorbed by it. i can't wait till college. yet at the same time, i desperately wish that i could have enjoyed high school better. don't get me wrong, there was various good memories that i've held, but somehow, it just doesn't seem enough. like, maybe i enjoyed it back then but with other thoughts pressed up against the wall. i don't know, right now, i'm not enjoying it as much as i want it to be, even though it's like one and a half more year till i go to college.
i guess i have to ride with it, huh?
people say that you just have to get through high school. it's like, a rite of passage that is known for it's constant self-torture emotionally. heck yeah.
let me dive in deeper. i just got to get this off my chest. it's all about friends.
i don't know why it's getting me depressed and all that. i have this feeling that the more friends i make, the more i feel better about myself. that people can actually hang around me. but the thing is, i look at myself as an anti-social person. i can't just go up to a person and introduce myself. i get shy and i tend to say stuff that i regret. sometimes i click with the person, sometimes i just don't. and nowadays, it's like i'm clicking off way more then i click on. and i'm spending way more days at home then hanging out with other people. i don't know. i don't really want to talk about it anymore. let's just say, i get really envious of people who could make friends easily.
ahh. how about college? that's why i want to make this work. start myself anew and try my hardest to enjoy it.
the more, the better. there's a deceiving feel to it. a mission that i can't accomplish.
i consider myself a nerd. don't you know that. i think that everyone has at least a small part of their personality which they consider as, 'uncool'.
seriously, what is the meaning of 'cool'? something that impresses others? yet the definition is expanded, you and I know that we have our own definition of what cool really means. it's just the standard that we all have to live up in that one word during high school. i think that's how high school cliques begin.
popular.
let me be away from it all. let everyone be apart of it.
we're different. we all know that. what i can't tolerate is conformity towards other people.