my world just fell apart.

Sorry for making this journal entry in a computer. I think that I could express better with typing, because the words flow much faster than when I’m writing.
Yesterday, I think my world just fell apart. My mother went to the Philippines after she discovered she had a lump on her breast. She just had surgery and the doctor diagnosed her with breast cancer. We had the news that she will get an operation at Friday, and when I heard there is a possibility it was breast cancer, my intuition told me it was breast cancer. You won’t believe the feeling I felt when my dad told me the news. It felt like.. Harsh reality is finally knocking on my door. My other friends experienced things like this before, as they told me their family experiences, but I never thought this happen to our family.
I miss my mother so much. Yet I feel so guilty inside for all the stress and pain I have caused her. The times where I felt anger towards her – and she felt anger towards me. All these feelings are swirling around my mind, but then it’s so hard to write them down. When I do, it doesn’t really seem to distinguish the feelings inside of me.
I never felt as scared as these past few nights. I’m scared of what’s going to happen, the burden that we are about to face. I’m scared of lots things that I don’t want to say right now.

The only person in my class that knows about this is my
best friend. I told her the news and asked her to be with me throughout this, to support me whatever happens, and she said ‘of course, I’ll be there with you’.
Words can’t express how scared I am. I’m scared for things that might happen. How my dad is going to take it, in front of me, he acts strong but I’m scared of what he’s feeling inside. That it’s killing him like it’s killing me. That’s why I want him to be strong in front me so I don’t have to see him in pain. Vice versa to me, I act strong in front of him so he doesn’t see me suffering. I’m scared what the others will think – my family friends, my friends in class. Whether they will act differently around me, but then, I want them to be the same old friends I had before. Because of this, I have made to the decision that I won’t tell anyone just yet.
Yesterday, when we heard the news, we were on the way to a party. Since it was a small party, with all of our close family friends, my dad decided to tell the bad news to them. I could still see their sympathetic eyes towards me. The most compassionate and caring feeling that I could see from them. It was the most intense feeling that I never experienced from anyone before.
My mom already had the operation. Her left breast was removed, including the lump. The cancer stage is yet to be revealed in around 5 days. I am praying so hard that it won’t be one of the severe stages. Please let it not be. After we find out what stage she is, I think she has to undergo chemotherapy. I heard chemotherapy is an extremely difficult process. I am praying to God as well that my mother could handle this, to give her the strength to win this battle. I want her to know that we all support her – my sister, my dad and me, will always be there for her no matter what.
My mother’s sister had died of breast cancer during 2002. I remember that she discovered she had that lump on her breast, and then she was diagnosed with cancer. After she had undergone chemotherapy, all of us were almost certain that they’re were no cancer cells left in her body. But then we found it – but it was too late. I don’t really remember the exact details, probably because I was young in that stage, so I didn’t fully understand of what was going on. But that was then. Now, I’m already 14, I have matured to a great extent. My father has already shown me that he needs to give me the exact news – whether it is good or bad.
My father has discussed me about how we need to adjust our situation here. Since we have no maid for quite some time now, I need to start learning how to take care of the house. My dad is even giving me the option of either having a part-time maid, or even a full-time maid as well. I haven’t made my decision yet, because when I think of it, having a full-time maid doesn’t really prepare me for anything. When I’m older, like in college, I need to develop the ability to take care of myself – including the place where I’m staying. I feel that I should learn now, and not let someone do the work for me. But I’m still reconsidering.
My dad told me that my mother won’t be coming back to Jakarta for a long period of time, not even in 2006. I don’t know whether I could live without my mother for so long. I am starting to miss her greatly even though it hasn’t been a week since she has left. My father told me that he needs to go visit my mom frequently, so he will be flying here to Philippines every now and then. And because of that, he has given me the option of either staying here in Jakarta until I graduate in grade 11, or reconsider moving to Philippines to the school where my sister is, and staying with my grandmother’s. I really don’t know what to do. It’s so hard to choose, I absolutely want to be closer to my mother, but then I never lived in Philippines for more than a month. I am afraid of experiencing culture shock, and isolation because I never got around learning and talking the Tagalog language. My grandmother and all my relatives in Philippines don’t really know how to speak English, and I have lived Indonesia for all my life. I know that lots of people in this world had experienced this sort of thing – truthfully, I don’t know whether I will or I just can’t.
I have stayed in Cita Buana for a long time, and it’s definitely difficult for me to move school. I have been with my friends for so long now, as I cannot imagine continuing life without them. Maybe that’s a problem with me – I get so attached to people I am close to that I have trouble getting along with new ones. That’s a problem I want to discuss later on.
My friends keep telling me that my life is *perfect*. My best friend and I were discussing this for awhile. She was telling me her family problems – how I had never had any and how she wanted my life to be like mine. I selfishly thought it was flattering so regretfully, I barely said any word. My life isn’t perfect. Nothing is perfect – I want all my friends to know that. Now, when I imagine telling me how my life is perfect, I desperately want to tell them it isn’t. But then, I know they will ask me what is wrong with my life, but I feel I am not ready, or I don’t want to tell them.
Life isn’t perfect
Everyone wants theirs to be
Whether it’s having fame and fortune
Or just simple things like wanting to be loved
Everyone wants their life to be just the way they want it to be
But then, what’s the use of life if it’s just like that?
You see, life is having visions
Having dreams and goals
It’s definitely not something where you just snap your fingers and you’ll find it on your doorstep
But it’s all up to you
Life is about experiencing
What you want and don’t want
Life is a journey
Throughout the journey
We tend to find broken tires and smashed windows
But then we find someone
Or something
That can deal with it
How long will it take?
It depends on how broken your tires are
Or how smashed your windows are
But it’s something that can be fixed
Whether it looks like it can’t
It can always be
Just remember
Have faith in yourself
Learn to accept your flaws
And your talents
Don’t lock them in the treasure chest inside you
And throw away the key along the way
Make use of them throughout your journey
The experiences you have
The glory
The shake-ups
Don’t throw them away too
Always keep them there
Good things will happen to you
Only if you let them
So put a smile on your face
Accept what is yet to come
For all we know
Being on top of the world
Doesn’t mean leaving all your problems behind
I am developing the habit of making poems. I just made that poem about five minutes before. I am feeling so much better right now. I want to open my creativeness a bit wider – making poems that express my innermost feelings. I always have felt the potential of my creative world inside of me is growing…
note: this was actually written in 27th November

Stab My Back

i seriously do not know what to do right now. all these problems are circulating after discovering my mother having breast cancer. oh gosh, i seriously do not know what to do right now.
i'm scared for a lot of things. first, for my mom, of course. i know that she'll be alright, but still, you know? like, how?
i'm scared that when she gets better, the cancer will come back. i read that in a website (the real one, mind you, not the ones filled with fake info) that the person who had cancer once has a better chance of having it again.
i hate cancer. why on earth does it have to exist on this world? before this, i never really thought that cancer will actually come and ruin our lives. i always thought it was something that someone else i read or watched or just known will get. i never knew it'll actually happen to me. you see, life is like that. this is like a wake-up call for our family. i know it'll bring us closer, but i just wish that we could have done that without having my mother to suffer.
i really want to meet her again. yet, i'm scared again.
oh gosh, i really want to talk to someone who experienced this before. i decided to tell my English teacher, who i really extremely trust, and it paid off. he was so supportive, i swear. i'm glad that he's my teacher, he had given me words that i would never ever forget. he offered support straightforward that i never had before. Thank God i have someone like that. as like as if i was really damn lucky.
i also told my best friend (i already told you this on the previous post). even though she will be supportive, she has a weird sense of expressing it. it's really hard to explain. i know that she has major problems with her family as well, so i gues i need to accept that fact.
i also told another close friend - she was really sweet and suported me as well. i liked that.
oh God, let her be alright. keep her out of harm's way. let's hope the chemotherapy can be sucessful!
i'm also scared that my sister will get cancer as it is passed from hereditary. i'm terrified that i will get it as well. i read that breast cancer is nearly impossible to get when your still a teen, but still, how about my future? i want to pray to God everyday for him to protect me from this disease. i also want to pray to him for all my relatives to be okayy, especially my sister. i hope it'll stop running in our family. i hate this disease.
but this creates a whole new appreciation for my life. it has been only a couple of days after i found out, but i made myself aware of the challenges i would be going through. challenges in school - like, whenever they talk about family issues and all, and concentrating on my studies. and challenges at home - even though i have been closer to my father than ever before, we still need to handle the pressure of cleaning the house. i know its a weird thing to ponder about but still, you know, my mother was the one who took care of the house. now, its up to us if we had to do the laundry, or iron, wash the dishes, clean the floor, make the beds, etc. i am thinking of asking my dad for a full-time maid, but i'm not entirely sure yet.
i probably expect my friends to act different towards me if they found out. you know, more sympathetic and all. oh gosh, i do not know how to take it.
i know that i should continue my life, but how, you know? its weird that your talking and laughing with your friends while your mom is getting her medicine or something. you know how life is ironic!!
talking to friends
writing journal entries
doodling
doing school work and homework
praying
watching movies
listening to musique
internet
reading newspapers, magazines, books
keeps my life going on..from this current situation i'm in..
infinite x's and o's
people who are reading this.
angelica

*Therapists blasting through your speakers*

quick note: i made this blog earlier in winword and i had no time to put it here until now. ..
date: 13.11.05

+ Cause I hate the ocean, theme parks, and airplanes
Talking to strangers, waiting in lines,
Are you feeling fine? Cause I feel just fine..
Tell me that you’re alright

My passion for music is growing. Ever since I found out that my computer could make mix cds, I was instantly hooked. Now, I have like over 10 mix CDs, it’s pretty awesome. As I listen to development of my taste in musique, it definitely had changed. But some genre or artists that I liked before I still like now, like The Doors.
I know that some people think I’m weird for liking old bands such as The Doors, but once you get past the fact they made musique in the 1960-1970s, their musique is pretty much unique. If it wasn’t for them, or Rolling Stones, The Ramones, or AC/DC, and
any legendary bands in that time, musique nowadays would never sound like it is, because they were the basis and influence. They made what we call rock today. So if your in some musique store, why don’t you try and score some legendary rock band in the past? You might like it.. hheeheeehe
Before rock, I was obsessed with musique like Grease or The Supremes or The Everly Brothers… I still like some of them, and I listen to it occasionally but my new genre of musique is ROCK.
I can’t distinguish quite yet between all the kinds of rock musique there is. There’s indie.grunge.punk.pop.hard.emo and lots more. But I really want to though.
+ “We’re like therapists blasting in your speakers”
That was taken from a Fall Out Boy song in their album “From Under the Cork Tree”. If you haven’t gotten it yet then you should – there musique is just awesome. I am still proudly *infatuated* by Pete Wentz. That hottie xP
I started downloading and listening musique they made from their previous album, “Take This To Your Grave”. Their both definitely different – since FUCT is their official debut to the more open audience, mainstream, world. But I personally think their not exactly mainstream. Maybe their in-between, but I don’t know, that’s just my opinion. After listening to their previous album’s songs, I got to admit I tad bit sort of like it more than FUCT, but the gap isn’t that huge. Probably just a few centimeters.
+ Me and you, you and me. I think about you day and night. It’s only right. Sohappytogether.Meandyouonlyunderthehoneymoonstars.
We’ll just hold on to each other tight..that’s all we need..just the comforting and loving warmth of each other’s body…each other’s breath…just knowing we’re both safe in each others arm is enough for me to live…hold on forever…
I wish I could see you smile..just to know that you’re happy…I wish I could make you smile..but I don’t know how..
*~You’re way too perfect for words to describe..*~
+ Just another thoughtless thought going through my head.. going through my head…
I’m totally infatuated by him. Still. Arrrgh, I hate feeling this *~feeling*~..the problem is that I sort of love this feeling.. but inside the logical sense in my mind begs me to realize I have no sort of chance with him anyhoo. He’s like my dream guy. Only in my dreams. Period. But going back to reality, I think that the more I’m fantasizing about him, the more serious the feelings I get for him, and the more devastated I get.
It’s such a harsh cycle, I swear.
It’s just the feelings bottled up inside of me just gets stronger and stronger.. maybe I’m exaggerating.. maybe I’m not…
Just the fact that someday he’s going to have a girl who loves him..and he loves her back…he’s going to have that girl in his arms.. and it’s not going to be me..L
Thank goodness I can express my feelings here, instead of it keeping it inside me..now I sort of feel better.
But arbitrarily when I go through my journal entires, it seems that I’m expressing myself too much. Like people reading this will say, “She’s such a self egoistical b****”. Hehehehe, sorry, maybe that’s a tad too much, but still. I don’t really think I’m self-centered, it’s just I never open my feelings openly towards anyone else, not as honestly and truthfully as this though.
I don’t have any friends yet in Journal Home, I haven’t started searching yet. But I hope I will soon! I didn’t invite any my friends to join Journal Home, because I… tend to like it that way.
School starts tomorrow, right now, my parents are interviewing our driver to-be. I’m prett happy, he seems alright I guess. He’s around late 20s or early 30s. But, I have a feeling that he’s going to be our driver. Let’s hope he’s one of the truthful ones, unlike the other driver we had. Grrr..
Let’s take that off from the list I had previously. By the way, today my parents bought me an I-Pod adapter. I really hope it’s not the fake kind, I hope the 14-hour battery isn’t damaged from the stupid l.5 port from our computer.
We can take that off from the list as well. J

Today, I had a hard study session after all those weeks of purposely relaxing. Ironically, I found studying relaxing. My parents sort of made me realize that I have the potential of getting better grades, but I never really exactly used it. But the path to self identity has made me comprehend even more that I should use it for better purposes. I know that I should concentrate even more in education, because it definitely vital for me and my future and goals. And at Friday, one of my friends got told off by a teacher that she was just wasting her parent’s money by her bad grades. Ouch.
My parents had introduced me into a Singapore scholarship that I could take. My dad gave me this website, which was totally awesome, which tells all about the Singapore education. I haven’t read any of the info, because I was much too excited. Heheheheh xP
But it does take a toll. My parents want me to finish school in grade 11, so that means I need to take my SATS in grade 10. I’m now in grade 9. Pretty awkward, huh? They’re not entirely sure, but I know they really want me to. But am I ready? I don’t know. It’s weird. But looking at the brighter side, the circumstances in school right now isn’t going very well. My education is pretty satisfactory, but I feel I need to concentrate even more. A LOT MORE. I need to prove myself that I could overcome this feeling of being.. okay, I don’t know the word that I’m looking for…

Throughout this week, I listened to musique from the All-American Rejects, Foo-Fighters, a little bit of Rooster, and I heard more and more from my friend and mostly, the internet. The bands that are pretty good in my opinion is..
+ Fall Out Boy (obviously)
+ All-American Rejects
+ Green Day
+ Finch (listening to their musique right now, it’s awesome xP)
+ The Used
+ Taking Back Sunday (so far I heard only one song of theirs, but I heard their musique that their really GOOD)
+ Sum 41 (I liked ‘Chuck’ better than their previous two albums)
+ Foo Fighters
+ Rooster
+ Bowling For Soup
+ The Doors

The others that they’re pretty good as well, I have their songs in my i-pod…Story of the Year, Smoking Popes è Pretty Pathetic è From Pete Wentz online mix Cd J, Lucky Boys Confusion, Motion City Soundtrack, Panic! At the Disco è Pete Wentz.. again!, My Chemical Romance, The Darkness, Phantom Planet, Nickelback, Papa Roach, FM Static, Blink 182, Third Eye Blind, 3 Doors Down, Alien Ant Farm, Allister, Bamboo, Dashboard Confessional..
Let’s raise our goblets of rock, and give a toast to those whose musique had changed rock and roll!
+ The Ramones + The Rolling Stones + Led Zeppelin + AC/DC + Cream + The Who + Black Sabbath + Kiss + Creedence Clearwater Revival + The Doors + Nirvana + The Beatles + Plentyyy more…

I’m writing this journal entry in Microsoft Word to prevent any accidental erasings. Right now, I forgot the password I made yesterday, and I’m waiting for the password to be delivered to my email. But I’ll paste this tomorrow.

Infinite x’s and o’s..
*AngeL*desperately confused.angst.teen.
I thinx the songs I have downloaded have soon mounted on this computer and it’ll soon cause it to crash down or worse.. make it slower.. I need to buy more blank cds…arrggh, alright..peace out..

a NeW Beginning..

right now, its almost one in the morning. and it's a schoolday!! For some reason, i wasn't feeling sleepy - plus, I had to continue my homework. Arrgghh!
what aggravates me the most is that when i'm planning on how to catch up in schoolwork and hoemeowkr, i get distracted somehow and it leaves me doing the project or schoolwork the day before it's due! i hate it!!
guess what? today we had a b-ball game in a basketball tournament...and we lost..that loss wasn't really bad, but i think it sort of made us realize that we really need to concentrate hard if we want to win more basketball tournaments!!
what sort of bugged me was that the opposing team we played had a pretty good player (i gotta admit) had short hair, like a boy, and everyone started teasing her. not in her face - but you know, like 'the people should check whether's he's a guy in disguise or whatever'.
oh well. the shallowness of people tends to come one way or another.
Pete Wentz. You rock my world.
i should be really getting back to bed right now. but the thing is, i still want to finish this blog. blogging is like a hobby for me now, it's sort of writing in my journal but typing is so much faster, and that way, you could type more feelings as it goes by you.
i don't know if i'm still infatuated by pete wentz. hehehe, pretty weird thing to say but still. i still dream about him and *fantasize* him as well, but the thing is, i'm not exactly sure whether he is PETE WENTZ or not. i mean *!he! pretty much looks like him, but when i see pictures of him now, it's not what i had imagined. does anyone know what i mean?!
still, he's the man of my dreams.*~*~*
in my mind, when i was typing that, i was thinking to myself - 'i know that a month or two after this, i would say, "how could i like this guy?!"
with every breath i wish your body will be broken again..again
right now, i'm totally into 3 songs from FOB - Homesick at Spacecamp, Chicago is So Two Years Ago, and Sophmore Slump or Comeback of the Year...they're totally awesome songs. when i'm free - i'll definitely put their lyrics in here..FOB's songs (written by Pete Wentz of course, aii, he's so talented!) are damn unique. i mean it's not like..
i woke up knowing today is the day that i'll die
the dog was barking into the park and enjoyed one last time
they'll totally express those words with deep and meaningful lyrics...
btw, if you're wondering that exempt is from Good Charlotte (i used to like their musique, but now i think it's sorta teenybopper material) - The Day That I'll Die

tonight the headphones will deliver the words that i can't say

i love 'homesick at spacecamp'..it's about missing somebody, but not exactly your bf/gf, it could be a friend as well. when i was listening to that, i wanted this guy in my class who's leaving SOON, like in 2 weeks or something, to hear this song. he's not a big fan of FOB and for his going-away present, i'm planning to give him a mix CD and a letter telling him to listen 2 the lyrics!!

he's realy popular with the laydees, heheehehe. he's everything a girl can ask for - i guess. one of my close friends is like IN LOVE with him seriously. i'll explain more about this later, but i seriously don't have any feelings for him anymore. i only like him as a guy best friend, something that doesn't grow on trees. it's a celebrated victory for me that has to go unnoticed that he told me the girl who he likes - guess who it is? my friend!! i really want him to tell her, you know, just to make her happy. if she finds out, happy is def. not the word to express what she'll feel. he better do it soon or...

i'm getting sort of tired right now. i need to sleep

*sweet dreams*

angie.

Dead On Arrival (Part 2)

oh gosh. i'm still so infatuated by pete wentz. he's such a gorgeous fox it kills me. words cannot express how i feel for him. he so talented, i love his works. i love fall out boy.
my gosh. i sound so..weird.. and so infatuated.
i have been infatuated a nubmer of times right now. and that weird feeling after you get over him seems to haunt me for sometime. i mean, it's like, 'whoa, i liked him before?'. its friggin weird, i swear.
+ i gotta another confession to make..i'm your fool..
i really gotta stop talking about pete wentz all the time. it's starting to really get into me.
okay, so what happened in school? oh yea, i realized something. once again. hehehehe
i realized that i'm not exactly in one's group. it's pretty hard to explain. okay, let me simplify this in my mind. okay, its like..let's just say there is a couple of groups in grade 9. i dont necessarily say its cliques, but its just groups that we feel most comfortable with. i hope i'm not just saying this to compare one group after the other, and i know i shouldn't do that. oh well, i'll try my hardest not to negatize (is that a word?) anyone whatsoever. before i say anything, i just gotta say that we get along and still talk to each other like it doesn't matter. its just a part of human nature, aint it?
first group ==> the..'valley' girls. there not exactly valley-type but if you had to compare it with the other groups, they're the most 'valley-type'. there the ones where you basically call, 'pretty and flirtatious'. they really want boy's attention, and they'll talk, flirt, or whatever you call it to get it. yeah, one girl has got it, and a few close friends of mine (definitely wont give off their names) start hanging out with her because of that. thats just my theory.
second group ==> you know what?! i can't do this. it just seems to harsh.
man, this is my like..third or fourth blog i have. first is my friendster, than in journalhome (but then i totally forgot the password), one i am in the middle of canceling because it was suppose to be a shared blog with my best friend who by the way is acting really weird today. i don't really know why, but her behaviour and all is starting to change. i'll talk about that next time.
i definitely want to become more creative in writing. in pete wentz' journal, its so evident he has so much talent. so creative. so versatile.
okay here i go again.
i like the fact that i'm in good terms with everyone. or at least i think i am. hhehhehehe xP
i don't exactly belong to any of the groups mentioned earlier but at least they don't hate me. i hear from one group that they hate this one person, and another with this person.
arrgh, its pretty weird when i type it - maybe its just a thing for the mind to wonder about
**musique obsesssion**
there are so many bands out there that i would like to discover and like there musique. i definitely into fall out boy. there cd is just fantastically awesome, and you can see they have TALENT. unlike some bands out there. it made me learn to appreciate rock musique. and now i'm beginning to like indie music, awesome musique that aren't really mainstreamish.
one band whenever i say this keeps popping into my head whenever i say mainstreamish. can you say its a 'simple plan'?
there are countless of bands that i would like to discover. arrghh! if only i could borrow cds from a indie musique cd store, i would be so fudgin happy! but i know theres NONE out here...grrrrr!
what else?!
i lurvve pete wentz.
hehehee, i'll go right now.
infinite x's and o's.
angie.

i love pete wentz.

hehehee..this is just a test blog..dont mind it.
i love you pete wentz. such a hottie.