Tainted Love..

Can I tell you a little secret?
I think I'm pregnant.
I don't know, my stomach has been feeling really weird lately. Either that or my head's just messing with me. How can I ever be so careless?
We never really did it. It was only 'dry' because we were only wearing our underwear. And it never really went in, yet again, he never really ***. I don't know, my fears are really escalating today and yesterday. A part of me tells me that the risk of pregnancy by that way is like only 1%. But still, I'm freaking out whether my memory isn't that well enough, but I'm almost sure that he didn't *** anywhere near me.
I feel as I'm writing this, a part of me has never ever done before.
It's a hard and confusing period that I have to go through. If I can confirm about this, I'll promise with all my heart that I'll be more careful next time. My gut tells me that there's nothing to worry about, but it really gave me quite a scare.
I just want to take a pregnancy test ASAP and find out for sure.
Why am I saying stuff like this?
I just can't wait till I get my period and I swear, I'll be jumping up for joy. I really should monitor my period cycles, because I have no idea when it comes. Sometimes it's irregular, and that's what makes it so whack.
My stomach feels bloated and weird. I really really hope its bloated for PMS.

I really need to finish my homework.
Now, I'm going to be really really careful next time.
REALLY CAREFUL.
<3>

Teardrop

Happy Easters =)
Let me tell you a little story:
I felt glad that I know my limits. I’m glad that he knows it too..
A little worryness is creeping up to me. It never happened, but the reenactment did. It never really touched, but still I feel so worried. Can it actually seem in underwear?
I bet you know what I mean, by now
Today’s our first month anniversary. I’m be really really glad if he ACTUALLY remembers it. Let’s just see.


Sometimes I feel that I’m starting to get a lil excluded from my close friends. I don’t know why, it just doesn’t feel the same anymore since I went out with him. Sometimes I feel that I care too much about what my best friend thinks. Like, I know that (even though she won’t openly admit it) she’s sort of uncomfortable with it. From my POV, I think it’s because of two things:
His past. Yesh, this made me uncomfortable first. But in my heart I decided to just accept and embrace the fact that he’s a different person now. As what people said, he was just ‘misled’ in the wrong way.
I don’t know, if she sort judges him because of what he did in the past, then she should look in her past as well. I don’t know sometimes I think she’s too easy to judge other people.
2. We used to close friends. All three of us. We used to hangout a lot as friends. She’s worried that she’ll be the third wheel or something. I really want to tell (and I tried to!) her that she’ll always be my number one. Ho’s over bros, right?
I don’t know, sometimes I think that I always have to take care of her. She’s had multiple boyfriends and this is my first one. If she feels that she’s left out or something, I want her to remember the times whenever she sleptover in my house, she would call them for like, an hour or two and I would do something alone. I mean.. I don’t want to be the type of person that says, ‘hey this is fair’ or anything, but you know, I can’t help but feel excited for my first-ever boyfriend.
But in the end, I miss her. I hope she doesn’t move on or anything.


Next day
Yesterday. OMG. It should never go back to my mom, I swear. I just really hope that my driver will ever tell my mom what happened last night. Last night really freaked me out. Me and him were swimming alone, and then I noticed that the satpams were secretly spying at us. It was so annoying. I mean seriously, do they really know privacy? Jeez, but this should never go back to my mom, anyhow. I just hope that the satpams will shut their traps and pretend it never happened. I learned my lesson after that. Know my boundaries and hopefully it won’t happen anymore. What I should really tell myself over and over is that I shouldn’t push it. What I mean is that I shouldn’t mention swimming to him in the first place.
Sex changes almost everything in a relationship. The day before Easters, I came over to his house so we could cook something. Anyway, we went to his room and talked for awhile. The next thing we knew it, we were making out in his bed. Then yeah, one thing led to another and we were both topless and underneath the blankets. We did some stuff, but then once, he said, “I have a condom”. I was pretty quiet after awhile and then he got the feeling and said, ‘Nevermind I said that. I’m sorry.”
I feel so glad that I said no and he understood.
The fact that I had no curfew (cause my parents were out of town) allowed to experience the push of boundaries that I’ll probably never do when my parents are here. I’m glad my mom is coming home tonight. Things will be back in control, hopefully if the security guard keeps his mouth shut and forgets what happened at all. Privacy matters. Sometimes it’s okay to be crazy sometimes. This is my time. I won’t do something like that in the near future. I just hope that having a little fun like that didn’t mean for my parents to disown me or anything.
Hopefully. Hopefully. I’ll keep you updated because I’m scared to death.
Oh well. This would never happen thanks to my parents that enforced the 11 o’clock curfew. I should thank them for that. Last night I had a terrible dream. I remember that my two closest friends in the whole wide world obviously ditched me. I decided to confront my best friend and I remember saying something like, ‘Do you have something against me? If you do, just say so.” And then she did. She started saying all this things like, ‘You think you’re so pretty because you’re with him” and stuff like that. That freaked me out

Girlfriend..

I know that you like me.
Things are doing pretty great with me and my boyfriend.
"Private" with the emphasis times, huh? Last night was one of those times.
I did my first ......., it was alright I guess. It got pretty tiring though, my neck started hurting.
When he actually came, I just didn't want to taste it and swallowed it pretty fast.
I know it's soo worrisome of me, but I don't know if it actually went in or not. I really don't think so; he was wearing boxers and I was wearing underwear as well but it didn't go in. I don't know, I really should stop worrying.
I guess things got out of hand last night.
Ahh.
It's finally the holidays. I f-ing loving the holidays. My parents aren't here (my mom just went to Aceh) until Monday. Can you say freedom?

I don't know what else to comprehend. When I'm around my boyfriend it feels that I love him, but in the same time, I just don't want other people to know about it. Because of that, I feel absolutely vulnerable to him.
What I also worry about is that whether those things that I do contradicts with my faith with the Lord. I don't want to say, 'hey, but other people are doing as well, even my friends!' I really don't want to compare myself with others. I really care about him and I just.. I don't know, want to make him happy. I know that he loves me very much and that he's not using me or anything like that.
During my latest confession, my priest actually said to me that sex is actually a good thing, but it's the way you think about it. I'm no wise person on that, I get my hormones out sometimes usually, but I guess I'll just live on to find out the real answer.
I hope I'm not pregnant. Enough said.

Words..

The Bottom Line
It is a great day for working in groups -- teamwork will keep you feeling powerful.
In Detail
It is a great day for working in groups -- the energy that only comes from teamwork will keep you feeling powerful, smart and valuable. When you get together with other smart people just like you, you'll start finishing each other's sentences. You'll collaborate on something new and exciting. Your personal relationships are also starting to feel more collaborative now, because you are both working on a common goal: Getting closer and learning more about each other.
Debating is fun. Only with them =)
I heart debating with em.
=)
=)
Today's horoscope speaks awesomely towards the feelings that I'm having.

Get Low..

I really hope things don't get awkward between us.
Despite his past (which is really making me nervous because as much as I don't want to know whether he's a really good guy and he was a victim and she wasn't - I can't help feeling doubtful) I feel unsure whether he really meant it when he said he loves me.
In a way, deep down inside, I know that he means it but his naivety is holding me back. He's really...naive. Maybe he's not in love with me, maybe it just feels like it. I don't think anyone around us know what love is. Maybe we're too young to really understand the dynamics of this ever-so-powerful feeling. I myself is unsure whether the feeling that I'm feeling is really love. But in some way, it isn't. I guess I really really like him (which sends me back the time when I said I did, but now I really regret it) but is it love? I have no idea.
Sex really complicates everything =(
I guess I need to talk to somebody.
In our sociology class, we were asked to make a vision board based on a belief of the Secret. It talks about if you want something really really bad (law of attraction) it sends signals towards the world that will lead you to a path where you can actually achieve it. It also sends negative signals if you act negatively as well. My personal opinion: I think only a small percentage of the world's population knows how to do it. Others are too stuck-up or conceited to achieve it because they're too busy listing the things they want. Before you know, the time runs out.
Well yeah, I did my vision board. I stuck up various pics from magazines, along with several 'Mind, Body, Soul, etc' sayings. It looks pretty swell.
<3>

Closer...

It's pretty weird to say that on our 2nd week, we've already on our way to 3rd base.
It feels pretty weird. I feel so embaressed saying this but it's been less than 15 hours since it happened and I just need to get it out.
We were inside his car. Outside my apartment. He pushed back the back seats and we both climbed into the back. We cuddled for like, 30 seconds and then we started making out.

I got no regret right now (i'm feeling this)
Every passing minute it started to get heavier than the previous one.
The air is so cold and null (i'm feeling this)
Finally, I was on top of him while he was sitting down. And then, it started getting really hot.
I started to wrap my legs around him. He moved forward and he was on top of me. My legs are still wrapped around him as he lowers me down. For a second it felt that he almost slipped but it's all okay. I started giggling and he does too. And then we continue making out.
Later, he asks me, "Do you want to change the song?" and I said alright. I went back up and changed the song (Nine Inch Nails - Closer) and then went back to what we were doing. Then the words came, 'I wanna fuck you like an animal' and I start giggling again. He does too.
As things get more and more intimate, we took turns being on top of each other. He started to caress my hips and feeling under the shirt. When he was on top of me I slowly take off his shirt. A few kisses on his neck then I take my shirt off as well. I start kissing his shoulder and running my tongue on it. I can taste the salt of his sweat.
Pretty soon I can feel it on his pants. I slowly run my hand down on his crotch and started feeling it. Then he started to do the same thing. He started kissing my neck and feeling up my boobs. Then I can feel his hand slowly reaching down my shorts. But I reach down my hand and then he says, 'Sorry' and I say 'It's okay'.
If only it wasn't that time of the month.
Arggh. Then I could feel his hips (especially his ....) thrusting inside me. It felt quite good.
We started going at it and a couple of times his sweat dropped down to my chest which excited me further.
And then I started giving him a handjob.
He didn't cum for some reason.
I felt bad. While doing it, he realized that his car battery turned off. He had to call his mom for a jumpstarter.
I remember him putting on his shirt and then climbed out of the car to check the engine (he has a hot body btw..damn) his body and hair is still sweaty. OMFG. eye-gasm, much?
The car windows were all foggy (like the scene in Titanic haha)
and then yeah, we waited for his mom to come (I felt so bad later on, but now I'm feeling better, despite the fact that I really miss him)
I don't want to be the obsessive girlfriend. I don't to be compared to his ex (who, arggh, is quite an 'easy' person). His past sometimes bites me in the back.
I don't want to move too fast, so the next time we're together I don't think I want to go too fast.
And i SINCERELY HOPE that..yeah.
Am i prepared to lose my virginity with him? I don't think so. I want to wait till it's the right time. I really really don't want to lose it when I'm 16 years old. I'm being damn truthful.


The journey lasted eight months. Sometimes I traveled alone, sometimes, there were others who took the wheel -- and took my heart. But when the destination was reached, it wasn’t me who arrived...it wasn't me at all.”

I heard him say, 'I love you' in the midst of all this.
I don't know if I feel the same way.