Paper Thin Walls...

Lately, I’ve been enriching my mind with reading books – well, I borrowed a couple of books, and I still have a few that I bought before but I really haven’t read them yet, and I’m planning to buy a few more. I don’t know whether I should, it’s like setting this whole thing u, but then at the end, I won’t do it, I keep procrastinating. It sucks a lot. I hate that. So what I want to do, is just balance all. Okay, for instance, I want to do this sort of special FOB scrapbook while doing another lyric book where I put all my favorite song lyrics on it. I haven’t done it in awhile, and what else? Ooh, I also want to explore my artistic skills, I started out pretty good, and I have some good drawings that I want to try and duplicate, but then I keep procrastinating and end up not doing it for a long time. It sucks, maybe I should create a schedule for some ‘free-me’ time.
Monday >>> Hmm, I have basketball practice, so maybe just a written song or two in the book.
Tuesday >>>> Perfect! Hmm, do something in the FOB scrapbook!
Wednesday >>> Start organizing the CDs..
Thursday >>> Time to bring out the pencils.. I’m going to bring out my artistic kind!
Friday >>> I’ll probably be watching a movie or something, other than that I might go out with my friends or something, or in a date….hahahha, probably in like a couple of weeks or something!
Saturday and Sunday >>> Catch up on some reading! Wait, better yet, I should better spend some everyday reading! Seriously, I want to become a BOOKWORM again!

Anyways, I feel gay because I’ve been exercising greatly. I’ve had a couple of basketball games with other schools (we won once and lost the other game) and I went to the gym once. The other days I had sport practices or P.E in school or I exercised in my house. Yeah, I feel great. But then yesterday, I noticed that I have a huge bloating on my stomach (which is so annoying I swear, it was there school started!!!) I really thought I had worms on my stomach, but it may have been just bloating. A couple of reasons is because you don’t chew food properly, that’s why you swallow mouthfuls of air. The other one is probably because you’re not eating the right diet. Well, I don’t know if whether my mom wasn’t here and I can’t eat homemade meals everyday anymore is a part of it or something. Arggh, it’s so bloated I swear!! I don’t know if it’s my period or something. I’m off drinking water now!!!
I’ve stopped almost completely drinking soda or whatever. Now, I drink either water or tea. Sometimes juice and milk as well. But now, I’m not going to drink soda for awhile.
Today, a couple of my friends (excluding my bestie, cause she has some family stuff to do) and I are planning to go to the mall and probably other places as well. Oh, I hope it turns out fun and not awkward. Seriously, I hope its not awkward anymore. I’m fed up of having awkard moments with them. It’s like I’m so boring or something!
What else? I’m planning to talk to my mom more. I already miss her not being here, so I want to talk to her like, everyday. Every moment counts, if something will happen in the future. You may never know that it may be their last day or something.
Studies?? I think I could juggle it, if I can stop procrastinating. Procrastinating. I hate that word so much.
I heart Andy. Well, not heart probably, but I think he’s HOT! He’s like the hot nerd, which is totally my type. But he’s really quiet. And I had experience liking quiet guys and trust me, it isn’t pleasant as you think. But yeah, he’s total eye candy! I thought I would have a crush on him these past couple of days, but then, I realize that I shouldn’t get my hopes up again and yeah, I’ll just stare at him for now x)
Hmm, guess what I’m going to do at Friday? I’m going to see the Lionel Richie concert! Hahahaha, his music is not really my type, but my dad wants me to go, so it’s good quality time with him and yeah, I want to start enhancing my music knowledge and all that.
I guess I’m girl who can never be satisfied in life, always searching out there for something new to define and enjoy. But that doesn’t mean contentment is a strange word. As I’m beginning to understand and appreciate life, I would always be happy with those around me, there are times where I would wish for something extra, but then at the end, I’m actually really happy for all the things around me, God, my friends, my family, everything. It may not be the perfect thing – we do all have our flaws and all that, but then, they’re always there x)
My faith… I’m proud to be a Catholic. But these past few days, I haven’t been doing exactly what I wanted. I hope it’s going to change today! I love God.
What else? I want to expand and design myspace account.. and my blogger as well. And my friendster. I want to start putting some animated stuff there, like quiz results and all that. hahaha, that but I got to pay attention on my internet limit. Oh shite x(
Jack Johnson at his best… Better Together…x)

I Want to Save You

The Bottom Line
Jump headfirst into today with a good combination of optimism and skepticism.

In Detail
Some folks believe that there's a whole legion of guardian angels with us at all times, right there by our side every time a difficult or taxing situation comes up. They invisibly hold our hands, silently offer us words of comfort and make decisions that would be too tough for our mortal souls to handle alone. Don't be surprised if you feel the presence of one of those lovely creatures today.

Can't really explain how this horoscope really speaks out me x)
I feel happy in a situation that I would usually be sad and all. I can't really explain because I'm in school, and it's pretty weird if I talk about it here. Plus, I don't anyone else to read about it as well. Well, I don't really feel happy, i Just feel, alright, you know. I shouldn't care what other people think. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to let it affect my confidence. x)
There's going to be happier days, I guess. That's all I could say right now.
Toodles.
I feel too good, it sorta scares me.

Don't Let Me Get Me..

Frankly, I am sometimes tired and agitated from all this love sick drama. One of my friends, who in my opinion, has set all this drama stage for us audience or I should say, friends, to react in, about telling us that she has no choice but to go out with this guy that she hated for a long time. Well, I shouldn’t say hate, but just strongly dislike, because, it’s really complicated to explain it all. And frankly, I’m not in the mood to create a long essay for some misunderstanding. Bottom line is, he likes her, but he hates her at the same time, you know? I don’t know, but I just don’t think that going out with him even though she doesn’t want to in the first place isn’t going to solve anything. It’s going to create a lot of doubts or even weirder, she might end up liking him. But still, it’s definitely like blackmail – the only reason why she has to go out with him is because he’s been spreading ‘rumors’ about her or something. But she’s so dang convinced about that, that I tried to tell her to talk to him first about it before she does anything, but she doesn’t want to anything. So in conclusion, she has to go out with him in order not to let everyone else hate her. I’m tired of telling her not to do it. It’s just so frustrating, I swear. I’m just going to not waste my time at all. If she goes out with him, I’ll be happy for her. Well, not really, but I’ll just leave my head out of it. And it never happened, he never asked her before, and I don’t think it’s going to happen so we’re just wasting our time talking about it. He doesn’t have the guts to. No guy has the guts to ask a girl out these days. Well, in my school that is. It’s really pathetic. That’s why I want a guy out of school. But I haven’t found it yet.
So yeah, what else, yeah? Yeah, mostly I just want to focus equally between my friendships with people casually (yup, I don’t want to be really serious about it and all, if you do, you set yourself up for major disappointments) and especially my schoolwork. I have a stupid SOSE presentation that I might go tomorrow or something – I hate presentations. I hate going up and presentating in class. It’s something I dread so much.
Yeah, lately, I’ve been exercising more than usual. It’s been really good lately, I really like the feeling of being fit. I just want my jeans to fit again, it’s so frustrating. And what else? Oh yeah, my stomach as well. It’s bulging like hell.
Oh, and money as well. I want to spend it right and save it right. I just don’t want buy anything that I might regret later on. I really hate that feeling. Today, I went to ITC to buy LOST season 2 DVD but the police raid might happened and in the end, all the disc shops were closed. Danggit!
Yeah, I just really need to step it up with my schoolwork. I hate being behind, and I just can’t seem to concentrate in school. Well, maybe it’s because I talk with my friends (to be honest sometimes) or something. But I want to try my best, you know, my parents don’t spend 4 mil a month to let me talk about whether my friend should go out with this guy or something. It’s vital for my future. That sounded weird.
I’m hungry, but I dunno what to eat. Seriously. I wish I had some seaweed but then I would have spend money and all.
The world is full with twists and turns. Especially with money and food and friends and schoolwork.
I hope I don’t screw up my schoolwork. Arggh.
Arggh, stupid SOSE presentation tomorrow.
I hope my concentration will miraculously drift up tomorrow.

Lie In The Sound..

believe it or not, i'm currently in the hospital - it's like 0 degrees here, cause the AC is directing its wind here. two things come into my mind - oh and by the way, i'm here in SOS (using the computer internet free access with my bestie, she's the reason why we're here in the first place) i can't really type freely right now, i don't know, maybe it's in a public area, so yeah. one of the things is that whether the worst thing will really happent to her - she really has a bun in the oven or it's either appendix or even an urinary tract infection. i really hope it's nothing too serious x(
currently checking out the falloutboyrock.com website, again new tour updates in the black and underdog tours which really is stressing me out. i can't even go to one of their concerts. i swear, this is so frustrating and there's nearly absolutely nothing i could do about it. ARGHH!
i want to go to chicago so bad. but then, i don't want to, just not to expect the disappointments that may happen. i won't state what i mean - it's sort of embaressing saying it here. i guess i shouldn't get my hopes too up. i'm currently listening to 'music or the misery' from them. it's pretty good. no wait it's awesome. dude, i'm such a FOB nerd.addict.whatever you call it these days.
sorry i didn't put any decorative stuff in this. i just feel like putting the average arial font here.
anyways, yeah... we're just waiting..tick tock tick tock..
so much for me trying to concentrate on my studies. what i really worry most is bahasa indo, sose, and science. i don't to be such a geek and all and say what i gotta do, but yeah, i'm currently trying to plot a good way of catching up and doing the rest of the work before it's actually due. i can do with science, i guess, but sose, i'm not sure, and bahasa indo, it's all up to the teacher whether we can really work on the poster tommorow. why am i worrying about this so much?
i hope it turns out not as bad as we think with my bestie - i don't anything bad to happen.
i'm starting to read books...yeah..i am such a nerd x)
what else? love life?? currently non-existent at the moment. well, i'll go into details in the future, but not right now.
so many things to do, so little time, i swear.
i wish i could just freeze time for like an hour or something. keep myself out of the facing reality and just be with myself for like, some time. it'll be awesome if everyone could freeze except me and yeahh...like, when you're still tired after you gotta get up for school, you just freeze time and then sleep a couple more hours and then, wake up, go on as if nothing ever happened. yeahhhh...
i really need to start studying man. i don't want my grades to slip or whatever. but i still want to maintain good friendships and all that as well.
am i still moving to philo? truthfully, i really don't know yet. there's lots of things that may be good if i move there, like experiencing new things and all that, you know start brand new according to a new lief and al that. but if i move there, there would be luxuries that i won't be able to experience there again. like my family being there. i gotta live in a boarding school. hmm, what else? car?? i don't think i'm going to have a private driver like i do here... and yeah..loads of things..
let's talk about one more thing. i've been exercising more this past week and my stomach is still bulging like hell. it's really annoying. i mean seriously, it's just sooo..BULGY!
okayyyy...i want to go now.
i heart fall outboy. i heart friends.

Unpredictable..

THE REAL ME (ALMOST!)
RAW.ultimate.FLAWED.sensitive.critical.
All the forced sympathies
All the stupid smiles
All the hidden secrets
Are all so fake to me
So fake to me
Maybe I’m just overreacting, I don’t know
But I’m not stupid
I know a lie when I see one
And you’re making one moment by moment
You were the person that was like a mirror to me
But now that mirror has shattered
Just like our trust, our friendship, our everything
Things will never be the same again
Or will it?
I hope and I wish that it could be
But the person you wanted me to be is just not me
I hope we could accept our differences and all
But I know you want to go over that fence that we had
From the place that we kept to ourselves
And explore through the open fields
But I hope that place that we had
All the memories, all the trust,
Will somehow lead you back again

I’m trying not to blame anyone
It’s hard enough
But I’m just a human being
I’m secretly wishing that people around me would know how I really feel
Without me actually telling them
I can’t talk to anyone
It seems that they just don’t care
They have there own problems and all
It’s like I have to take care of mine
It’s not like I’m going to take there advice or anything
I wish I could tell you this face to face
But it’s so hard if you misinterpreted me
If you misunderstood me once more
It’ll hurt so much if you resort yourself to anger
Just the thought of it makes me too scared to tell you
So I’m secretly hoping that all of this will end
And I’m secretly hoping that you would tell how I feel

Tears running down my eyes
Just like any broken hearted girl would do
Staring at a square block
Dazed and confused
Typing all these words down
Which is a poor substitute for the emotions that yearn to pour out
I’m not even sure whether what I’m writing is what I’m aiming to write it
But I should tell you, hell yeah that it helps
I’m just human, I said it once and I’ll say it again
I make mistakes just like you and your friends
It’s true that once you lose something that you once had,
Something or even someone that took for granted,
You just want it back
And then if you ever had the chance to treat it more better
It’ll all fall into place once again
But then, maybe the person that I am is not the person that you don’t want me to be
I can’t change myself
I’m just me
You’re just you
We both have our major differences
But I somehow found a way to accept yours
Why can’t yours?
Maybe the surrounding waves
That sweeps across you just desires to come along with them
But how about me?
I’m like coral
And you’re the fish
The blue crystal fresh waves are sweeping across you
You try hard to swim back to the coral
But the waves are too strong as they overpower your actions
And then you finally let go
And accept it as the waves carry you someplace elseSome place without the coral I’m implied to
My poem isn’t the best poem out there but it expresses my best to explain what I’m feeling right now. It may not have the right beat or tone or whatever it is, but it still carries the same human emotion that every true poem out there that always has.
hope you like it.

Smoke+Mirrors..

Apologies for the late blog entry – so many stuff has been happening.
Hmmm, I’m back into the 80s groove. I don’t know why, but I definitely have a thing for the 1980s. I know it’s weird and all – but then there’s some nostalgic feel to it, you know? I’m definitely not a child in the 80s – I’m one of the 90s, was born in ’91. 80s was definitely a unique decade – but I confess the style they had during that time was so awesome! It’s like, so different from the 70s where it’s all bellbottoms and polyester suits and platform shoes and the 60s was no less different, but the 80s was like, Whoa! Every style had changed – incredibly. It’s almost unbelievable if you compare the 70s fashion to the 80s. When I read a lot about the lifestyle and childhood like toys and movies and all that, man, it really makes me want to come back during those times. Teenage movies were definitely a lot better back in those times, I’m not saying that movies today are a bunch of crap, but I think more teenagers can relate to them back in the 80s. Movies like Breakfast Club (oh yeah, during English, my teacher FINALLY asked us who seen the movie Breakfast Club or not. Lucky lucky, I was the only one who watched this movie. Hheehehe, these are things that are awesome if you just don’t stick to one genre, what I like about myself is that I have a wider range of knowledge in oldies, especially in music or in movies, as much as I have in present time. Not to be bragging or anything. Yeah, we’re going to watch it, I hope everyone will like it the same way that I do. It’s a truly awesome film. Definitely wanted me to go back to the 80s. I finally knew what was the brat pack of the 80s. I wish I could know more info about them. How they came together, how they interacted, how they split up or something. So far, I like all the people from the Breakfast Club. I also watched St. Elmo’s Fire and Pretty in Pink, but none of the actors made an impact on me similar when I watched The Breakfast Club. I like Molly Ringwald. She’s really pretty, and I loved her style in Pretty in Pink. It screams out 80s! Her style is so unique and all, and I remember thinking, ‘man, I wish our style nowadays were like those during the 80s!’ as I looked down at my shirt and all. I really want to watch Sixteen Candles. It also stars Molly Ringwald and Anthony Michael Hall, who played the nerd in the Breakfast Club. I heard he’s awesome and all there.
I want Razzles >>> yup, I got that from Suddenly 30! I also want Pop Rocks (I heard that when you were a child, there was an ongoing rumour about this dude called Mikey who died from eating Pop Rocks and Coke mixed together. Weird.
I want John Hughes movies. There so awesome during the 80s!
Hmm, what else is going on at school. Oh yeah, I really fucking hate it when my friends tell each other secrets without me. I don’t know, it’s like, I’m not cool enough or something. I think partly is because I don’t have a boyfriend. I know it sounds so… stupid, but I’m definitely convincing myself that that is one of the reasons why. I don’t know whether things with my best friend is making it better or not. Ha, it’s worse. It’s fucking awkward now. Apologies for the language, but you gotta understand, how this stupid pressure is going to come across us. Sex is a huge thing between my friends of five (it used to be fucking four, until someone joined us when she went to grade nine. She’s nice and all, but she doesn’t tell me anything compared to the other girls. It really makes me feel left out. I have no idea whether she has a grudge against me or something. Maybe she does, over some stupid incident that happened during the elementary days. I just hate it when I feel so damn left out. I think when my other friend, whom I’m pretty close to, who’s really pretty and all will get a boyfriend, I’m 100 % that they will leave me out. I don’t know if it’s intended or not, but I Know that that’s what they’re going to start talking about. I hate my school life right now. I couldn’t concentrate during a science test that I studied pretty hard for. I wanted to cry, well to tell you the truth, I had tears of anger holding back against my eyes. I just wanted to cry out my frustration, but the best way I could think of showing all my anger and pain that I’m going through is by leaving school. Remember that thing about me leaving for Philippines? It turns out there’ much a less chance of me going there. It’s weird – when it was almost certain that I would be studying there next year, I didn’t really wanted to go, but then that chance got away and now I want it back in my head. Before, I would remember all the little things that I would think of, like looking past at the same buildings on the ride to school, or that during snack, us girls would go to the guesthouse and all. Now, I want to quickly get out of it. Well, not entirely, I just want a happier social life there that’s all. Especially with my friends. It really irritates me that we are keeping secrets from each other. I don’t know why. I think all of this is starting to come affect from that one person that influenced them all. Why can’t things be the same again before? I really liked it when it was just the four of us. It made things more equal and all. I told you this before, but I just hate it when there’s secrets between us. OMG, when we were walking during the computer lab, I was walking with my best friend, and then, all of a sudden, that person just came right up to her and asked a question about some fucking secret that I don’t know. And I just fucking knew that she was trying to hide it from me. It was so fucking obvious. I could tell you that I’m crying right now. It’s just so painful. I don’t know why I should be crying over a stupid thing like this. I should be stronger. I don’t why, but I still have the hope that they would tell me at the end. But still, the worst thing is that my best friend tried to hide it from me. IT was just so fake and obvious, which fucking made me so pissed me off that I just left them. That wasn’t the first time. During study hall or whatever, they were discussing about it or something, and then whether talking to someone about it or something, and then my bestie said my name out loud, and I said ‘What?’ and then that person slapped her in the arm. Right in front me. Seriously I don’t know what I did. I also think they already told everyone in the 5 except me. I don’t know why. Seriously, I just hate feeling left out. Gravity rides everything. I’m listening to it while I bawl myself out of it.
Peer pressure about having a fucking boyfriend. All the fake sympathies. All the stupid lies.
I just wrote the most poured out poem I ever had. Call me sensitive or whatever, but it surely makes me feel slightly better.
There are better things out there that I truly deserve. I hope that people out there would know that. The suffering won’t end forever. I think. I go this from an troubled actress in Larry King who was interviewing her. When asked from a thirteen year old girl who ‘is about to enter the teenager stage’ who had problems with her friends, realizing who her true friends are and all that, and what advice that she needed, the troubled actress basically replied that if they continue to make your life more miserable, then it’s not worth hanging out with them at all. And the friends you make when you are 13 are certainly not going to be friends with you ten years later or something, so you’ll eventually make more friends and all that.
I don’t know much about anything now. I seriously don’t know who my true friends. It’s hard to say. It’s really hard to say. I won’t lie if I didn’t wanted to start all over once again. But then, I know that deep inside, it all will fall right into place and some time after this, I would look back into this and would be amazed how things worked out. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.
My dad hasn’t been here for the whole week. It’s been awesome being alone in the apartment. Just having the privacy that I really loved. I love having privacy, but not too much, or too little. This was just right. Sometimes the neighbor would check how I’m doing and all that. And a very close friend of my mom would call and check constantly how I’m doing as well. The best thing that she done was give me lots and lots of food (seriously, my fridge is swamped with food from her! I’m beginning to think whether I will have trouble finishing it!) and also from the other friends as well. They all have been supportive and all that, which is a tremendous thing to do. They’re a huge support and it’s just so special to have people like that. Someone to care and pray about you. It’s just really awesome compared to what I’ve been treated recently at school. It’s not like I’m really isolated or something. Just the feelings and all are starting to make me drift off my thoughts and all from my friends and resort to anger and frustration which is really agitating.
I wish I could start over.
I wish I would get this over with.
I wish that my gut feeling inside me would be right. That everything will be alright soon. But then there’s that thought that it would just get worse. I can’t seem to get that stupid thought out of my mind.
I passed a hangout with my friends (partly because of money, I’ve been spending too much and decided to just skip this one out, I want to start buying more books or CDs that enrich my mind) and just stay at home. Hopefully, the maid would come tomorrow and clean the apartment, which is beginning to become more dirty and all x(
What else? I wish for a lot of things but I wouldn’t tell it all here, what’s the use right? I would rather reserve it for God J
www.fast-rewind.com >>> you’re guide for 80s! movies..
wish me for things to be alright
A better Catholic.
A better friend.
A better girl.
A better daughter.
A better student.
A better acquaintance.
A better person.
Angel.
Sum 41 – Pieces >>> this song speaks out to me so much during this point of my life.
I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’ll be easy
But no one believes me
I’m not all the things I said
If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off in my own
This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have
If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own
I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing can ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along
If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own.