Up Against (Blackout)...

i feel so...lost.
im still looking for a place to belong. arggh. i seriously don't know where i fit in the big mess.
i feell..sooo lost!
i wanna belong...but i don't know how..i don't know where..
i sound really damn idiotic right now..but that's how i feel...i feel people are so...argghhh...
i feel lyke im boring them with my personality..
i feel lyke im not good enough..
its a weird feeling.
i wanna sleep now.
i hope it washes away in my sleep..
i hope i can feel better by tommorow.
wish me luck.

Love is No Big Truth..

keep quiet. nothing comes as easy you.
im (im)patiently waiting. for better days and moments. but that doesn't mean this very second is wasted. i just got to go with the flow, as many people say.
somehow i think i'm rewinding and playing back words already thought out and planned writing. aww, this sucks.
okay, what's new with this person's life?
these past few days, i've taken my emotional and physical wellbeing on for a weird roller coaster ride. hmm, let's just say that the consequences were unsatisfying. a sucky roller coaster, that's more like it. i found the cure. i think i did, but then you know, 'you always want what you can't get' or in other words, you always yearn for something out of reach and not what's on the palm of your hand. arggh. i keep setting time off it. hmm, maybe it's a bit of laziness. but i can't bring myself to admit that for sure.
being a teenager. yes, a cool and new experience but there are times where i just want to stay one forever, but ironically, there are times where i wish i could forward it until i'm an adult. but how do know, for sure?? it's not like, when you blow out twenty candles, you're a fully-fledged adult now. i think it's not about age, it's about the experience and how much you learned. that's how you can tell yourself you're an adult.
i want to be a writer. but writing about your misunderstandings and what life hasn't given you isn't the stamp i wanted. i want it to be something more. there were times where i thought i was writing for all the right reasons, but then again, maybe it was just for selfishness. maybe it's because i can express myself to the extreme in my own words, and i want peole to know about this. nowadays, sometimes i think people are too busy for themselves and the problems and whatnot to pay attention to someone else. i don't know. it's all familiar but i still haven't gotten there yet.
right now, i want to spend my time being a teenager. worry about the future when it feels like it. i just want to relax, enjoy, to whatever that's handed to me right now. i guess that makes me a hypocrite on some level, huh? excuse me, my back is aching from this stupid chair..i guess i got to sit up straight for once...hmmphh, that sparks some sort of relevancy on today's discussion huh??
why does it all matter now? why do i make it seem like it really really matter, like a life-or-death situation? i don't want to feel that feelingg..you know...that cringing moment..and for one second you wished to take it all back..but then your body chemicals is playing games with you..you realize that it's been a nostalgic ride..
right now i hate that feeling.
angell.

An Attempt to Tip the Scales..

Yeahh..the holidays are here. Finally a week to blow off some steam, get some relaxation, and whatnot.
Yesterday was a messed up day. Okay, the guy finally came over to my house. But we were alone. Most of the time. We even went to the rooftop together. Arggh, I really don’t know if he likes me or not. OMFGGG!!
I hate hanging on for this, seriously. ARGGGHH, it’s pissing the hell out of me. I’m in a bad mood today because of this. I’m in a bad mood because he didn’t sms asking if I got in trouble with my parents because my dad saw him with me today. Arggh, does he even care???
Why does liking a boy ever have to be this hard?? I hate hearing myself going on and on about this, but I’m keeping this to myself. It’s bad enough calling your friends and moaning and groaning about this guy, blab la bla. ARGGHHHH!!
But from what I think, I really think that he’s really intimidated that I haven’t done anything yet. ARGGH. The thing that’s killing me is that I have no idea what’s on his mind right now. I have no idea. Whether he’s turned off by that, or he’s just waiting for the right time….I HAVE NO CLUE!!!
I’m in desperation.. and ashamed.. how I could turn out something like this.
I mean…we talk…. But then… I have no idea L
You know what? Right now, I’m really certain that thinking about the future actually jinxes it. I mean seriously. I should really just think about the present and not always thing about the future. Thinking about the past is okay, because it already happened. But still! ARGGHHHH….I’m sick of hanging on for hope.. I really need to know soon.. but I can’t ask him.. it’s not…right. I wish he could do this for me..
I’m going out of my mind here.. seriously am..argghhhhhhh! I’m driving myself crazy..I can’t eat anymore…I’m not that hungry as much as I am..what else what else???
Okay, I don’t know why I do this but I want to discuss it here in my blog. The analytical way. I guess I’m just an over-analytical person…very critical and all that. When we’re chatting, he says flirting stuff to me, and yeahh, I hope I’m giving it all back to him. Maybe I’m taking all of this seriously, and I hate myself for it. I should just…let it all go…go with flow as what my friends say..and whatever happens. HAPPENS.
Sighs. How come you always want what you can’t get???? I don’t why I’m that happy that this other guy in Yogya sort of smses from time to time, he just doesn’t seem right. This other guy in my class I know has a thing for me, but still, I don’t want him. He’s a great friend though, but if we all get out of this alive, it’s still going through an awkward phase!!! Right now, all I want is him, him, him, him. I still can’t understand why he didn’t make a move on me yesterday. He had the chances!! We were all alone, like, the whole time. ARGGHHH!
Okay, what’s new?? Oh yeah, we finally got DSL. We got the modem and all, all we have to wait is the technician guy to come over and fix it for us. After that, it’s high speed internet baby!! Yet, we have a limit. I don’t know how long or upsettingly, how MUCH I can download songs..but, I hope it’s not like, 5 songs a month or something!! I’ll die!!!!
OK, what else?? I should really concentrate on my schoolwork this week, but I still need some time on doing my own free time, like, reading, doing whatever in the internet (internet! WOHOO!!), writing, blogging, spending time with mum (right now, cause of that GUY, I’m giving her and my dad a chip off the ol’ shoulder, in other words, I’m giving off my bad mood to them. I’m 100% guilty x(
By the way, I totally remember the look my dad gave off when he saw him. I was like, oh “FCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Hahaha, I didn’t get in trouble, thank goodness. But now, my dad’s like, really damn aware, I told him that it was Kim-Chi, this Korean dude that’s in my class. Hahaa, I know that he thinks that I might like him or something, but…..nahhh, he’s not my type. Hahahaa! Argghh, but I don’t want him to get overprotective of me, you know? It’s like, okay, during church, my parents hold hands… you know what? NEVERMIND.

The Missing Frame..

hahaaa.
finally, he talked to me after all those days of sitting, waiting, wishing. but the whole situation is still left up in the air. now, i'm soooo clueless whether he likes me or not. arggh. i hate not knowing, you know? sometimes my mind plays tricks on me - sometimes i catch myself thinking about him and wanting to be with him, but then other times, it's like, who cares? i'm stuck in between..
last night was again..one of those nights. i fell asleep..i can't sleep again in the sound of silence again..the fear overhwhelms me..the past experiences are still much too strong in my head. i need something light and distracting to help me drift off to the REM mood. last night i woke up in the middle of the night and that's when i heard it..i seriously dislike those moments..but it's really a wakeup call for me..i realized how selfish i been..mostly lost in daydreams because of this guy who may or may not like me...
i feel guilty..but i promised myself that i would try my hardest this time. last night, when i was praying the rosary..i realized it all...i shouldn't be so selfish..and try to think for others for a change..especially my parents..
it's weird huh? talking something so personal like that right after i moan about the other guy. the funny thing is, right after i went back to my bedroom..i just wanted to be with him..i missed him in a weird way..but that soon was forgotten when i started praying the rosary..and hoping that the sound of silence was still in all there, buried deep within, and wishing that i wouldn't let my ears hear those sounds that awoke me in the first place.
but that's just the way it is. like why i chose this sort of color for this entry..which is supposed to be all..not happy..hahahha
apart from boy troubles inside..i'm proud of myself that i finished the bahasa indo project..but i know the highest i may get is 80-85..maybe lower i don't know..i worried my ass over it..but i understand if i get that sort of score, because of my limited vocabulary of the language...that's the disadvantage of being a foreigner there..i think i told you about that..
hmmm..music music..i still yearn to expand it as much as i can..but despite of limited resources and current situations..i'll just hold on to that for a better day..
someday i'll appreciate and value..get off my ass and call you..yeah right..you better call me first..
i hate mixed signals...i hate diving in deeper than it it really is..but sometimes i just can't help myself.
right now, i'm still wondering why i spent all those times thinking about you.
where is your boy tonight?
argghh..lack of sleep and confidence and self-esteem all under this day, but yet, i still feel alright..
the light-headedness will soon be over.
i took my bow, when while you confirmed all your saddest fears.
some of these words i wish i could written myself but i took someone other's penmanship and granted them their supposed glory.
xoxoxo
mucho love.
angelica

Reason To Believe..

i hate to say this, but i think he's getting bored of me. i don't know why, but i just have that instinct behaviour that's whispering to me. arggh, why am i so bummed out? i mean, i told myself that i wouldn't get my hopes up, yet i feel i followed that, yet..it still feels that i'm missing that something something.
last night, he called. and i think he seemed bored or something. argghh, and it seems that i'm to blame. i just got to see him once again..and maybe try and change his mind. i miss his old name, 'oh my...she's heaven sent' and stuff that he's said to me. argghh. i just to see himm..
i just got something confirmed today. another guy likes me. whoa. but the thing is, i only see him as a FRIEND. sometimes i want to talk to him, as a friend, but it's all changed. he doesn't talk to me anymore, and the whole situation is DIFFERENT.
collapse into a mixture of remorse and regret. oh, those 'what could have beens.'
sometimes i blame it in the society. sometimes i blame on the differences. sometimes i blame it on him. sometimes i blame it on time. sometimes i blame it on myself.
speaking of that, yesterday, while we were talking,i dunno, this song which i won't listen to anymore (hahahah) came up on this itunes, and then he started talking about his ex..i'm like...in my mind..okayy stop talking about her...he kept saying like..omg, she's so hot..and then, he asked me 'do you wear miniskirts?' one tyme she was wearing them and then......argghhh! there was one thing in my mind...and it was
'FCK. he doesn't like me anymore x(
another subject. i still need to concentrate on school, ESPECIALLY on those subjects that i've been sort of slacking off..or i just can't concentrate. especially computer..i have NO talent on flash..im dead serious..i can't make animation AT ALL! SOS - i need help! i need help! im going to fail computer x( what else?? bahasa indo as well..
btw, lately, lyke today, i've been feeling quite naseous..i have no idea..maybe it's the heat...where it's supposed 2 be the rainy season...argghh!! oh and today, i got a face full of weird allergy rashes..i have no idea..maybe there's a mosquito in my room..hahaha..im serious..
for some reason..i'm tired!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't Wait..

i seriously want to shake this feeling off my head, but i can't. i mean, a part of me wants to stay put while the other part wants me to focus on other things. i mean..arghh...i really want to concentrate on my schoolwork right now, but i just can't. i really really really want to finish it, especially the damn indonesian project..but sometimes i just can't concentrate. and yes, it's all because of a
BOY
seriously, i don't get why and HOW can they enter the girl's mind and just...rock her world for some reason. everything's isn't the same anymore, but it sometimes feel like they take that superiority for granted. like, they can just play the girl's mind even without them realizing it!!! sometimes i wish i could enter a guy's mind..especially one that i've been thinking of. i don't know why, but i secretly wish that he's thinking of me as well. i want him to know how it feels for one person to rock another's one's world..
i also hope that i won't feel stupid and dumb later on..especially because it's all up in the air. nothing has happened..yet. i need to find out whether it's just playing or there's someone else (sighs) or it's the real thing. by now, i just don't want my hopes to get too high. i don't want to get hurt again..nobody does, i think.
arggghh...help me get out of this dimension..i don't like it here, i swear..let me concentrate on my studies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wish me luck..on this..because it's the furthest i have ever gone through...and i don't want it to end up disappointing..

The Good Kind..

man, i keep forgetting how much i heart One Tree Hill. yeah i know, sometimes it could be a little cheesy but still..it's good cheese. i love the music, the acting, the actors, the whole surroundings - it's just the right TV show for my eccentric taste. argggh! i sound like a teenybopper showing how much fan i am in a teenage soap opera..but seriously, it's perfect in it's own ways. i love the way how it addresses the current issues of what teenagers go through, like in a serious matter, most of the time. it has the right humor in the right timing and the characters are actually interesting. yeah, i know it's cheesy - but all teenage soap operas are like that..this one's just the closest thing to reality..in a totally non-realityish wayy.
i hope i can finish my homework soon...so i can continue watching one tree hill..
how am i feeling?? first of all, i feel pretty full. i ate LOADS of chocolate cake which i believe may have some sort of addictive chemical into it because i had like four helpings..and now my stomach is starting to bulge like before...NOO!!! yeahh..i hate it. this week, i ate like around 30 tubes of chocolate paste..and i'm not kidding..i'm dead serious. yeapp, that stomach is starting to bulge again....better start realizing it. maybe it's the post-GK behaviour..u know??? argghh..i hate that feeling..i want a normal stomach!! hahahaa..
hmm, what else is in my mind? still, one tree hill is damn good i swear!! i'll never get bored of it..and my idol is still Peyton Sawyer...hahaa, i know it sounds weird..i want to be just like her. hahaha, from the hair, to her room, her bag, leather jacket..the whole nine yards. i mean...whoaa!! hows the idea of being a punk cheerleader sound?? i like the way both really contradict each other..
what else? what else? yesterday i went to watch a movie called the break-up..and during the movie..my bestie got a sms from her bf breaking up with her...it was totally weird..hahaaha..but that's just the beginning of the story...it was the first time i saw her like that..she was in complete hysterical...i mean HYSTERICAL..when she couldnt get in touch with her..she started to panic..and my primary concern was that we would cause a commotion..cause she was pretty loud and their was people wanting to watch the movie..so we went outside the theatre and we missed a portion of the movie..so, like..we didn't know how the movie ended..anyways yeahh..she was all like, 'take me back ray! please! please! give me a second chance' while crying hysterically..i was just standing there..apart from trying to comfort her..and remember thinking, 'man, does that how it really feels having a boyfriend??'
i'm trying to understand..i think i have the clear image how it feels like..but its like..you don't know exactly what it means until you actually expereince it..you know? and i hope that it won't end like that..
arghh! one tree hill is soooo good!! i want to tell you those amazing parts (one of them including the HOT pete wentz!!) but hhahahaa..nevermind.
hows the love life? im still waiting for him to make the real first move.
I NEED TO DO MY HOMEWORK!!

Affliction..

no more distractions..i hope..
today is a day, where i'm finally distant from the distractions. i'm not saying that i'm already broken free..it's just that, i can feel..breaking free..okay, that sounded gay..
no more distractions, although i am steps away from you, i have a shield protecting over me..and i hope it'll continue till it ends..
@ monday i was a complete wreck..now, i'm stronger.
focus on the more important things..and keep a far distance away from the two..
now i got to pay attention on my eating habits..heehehe..a little too much chocolate cake and dried mangoes as well..my stomach is growing by itself..heheehe
hope u feel the way that i do..but it's alrite if u don't..

Thinking Of You..

current theme song: thinking of you - kung fu girls.
nothing special about that song - but i got to admit it has that pop-rock sound thing going on. i mean, you know, girl-likes-guy bubblegum teenybopper tstuff. hahaha, it's my guilty pleasure. you know, lately i've been listening to songs like that, songs like, 'for you i will' by teddy geiger..it's really a sweet song, but this current addiction has taken me by suprise. i want to go back listening to artic monkeys, taking back sunday, you know, REAL music.
lots of things happened last night. let's put it in this way..i finally knew how it feels like to have a guy like you..but not you know, 'going out goin out' sort of thing...hahahaha - it's a cool experience..but okay, he's different from other guys, regarding the SHY, nothing-will-happen guys as always before. at least he makes a move...even though it's pretty subtle..hehehehe..i've been thining about him alot..he's actually a pretty sweet guyy..really sweet..he says sweet things by smses..but not in person...hehehee..oh well..i hope it turns out right soon..
i wanna tell you how he is...first of all, he's those musician guyss..x) x) x) x) i love it..i always find that pretty hot..okay, since it's all not certain yet..i'll tell you more..when its fo' real..i'll fill you in..right now, it's all up in the air..
i have four simple words for him..
DARE YOU TO MOVE.
hhaha, those words can never been so true in what i feel. dare you to move. dare you to move. dare you to move. yeah, that's what i'm saying beneath these fingertips.
if you only knew..i'm thinking of you x)
you're driving me crazy...jst do it..or dnt if you dont wanna. i don't want to keep waiting x(
hmm, what else, what else?????
yeah, i think the parents are beginning to find out. i don't know whether it's a good thing or bad thing. argghh..i'll keep you updated in that as well.. what else??? what else???
oh yeahh...
i''ll tell you later....
i need to get some sleep..arggghhh x(