When Heart Stops Beating..

I’ll be there when your heart stops beating.
My current song movie soundtrack. OK, I have an excuse for not making one in the recent days. First, I’ve been sort of busy. Second, I did have a couple of attempts yet somehow either the blogger.com site had erased or the computer shut down for some reason. Hmm, I hope this isn’t one of them.
I also hope as well that this isn’t one of those blogs where I promise loads of things, and then end up not fulfilling them in the mere future.
So far, things have been going alright. Not swell, or spectacular, but enough excitement to sustain me from boredom. Yet I always wish for something more. But I could feel new emotions – it’s sort of hard to explain. It’s like, ‘Oh, I’ve been there before and I know what to do’. It’s the sort of feeling where you know where to hold back when you really need to.
My mom’s coming back to the Philippines soon. Arggh, I’m hoping for the best. I hope the bone scan comes out fine. I’m hoping of all my hopes at times, nonetheless when I actually feel like it. I mean, I sort of feel guilty that I don’t think about it more then I think I should have, like, I’m busy with my life. But during the times I have, it feels more stronger and real. Then distraction comes.
Studies. I think I made a few mistakes, but not big ones. I hope my report card comes out alright. Yet, I know I’ll get it way after the others have gotten theirs. Yeap, money problems. I don’t want it to be a huge issue, but still, I’ve been here quite a number of times and I know how it feels like. Keeping a secret like that. Again and again.
I don’t know. I’m not really happy with my environment. It has that feeling of usual, usual, you know? I mean, you feel comfortable with them but, after that, what happens? And what else? There’s too much freedom. I really want to use this time to focus on my studies as well. I learned knowledge, but you know, it’s like on my terms. My terms isn’t that restricted as much as I wanted it to be. A little concern has been bugging me that I won’t be able to adapt to college and all in the future. I want to be in an environment where there are individuals who at least have the decency to NOT write the answers on the desk during final examinations. Because that’s exactly what happened today. I mean, seriously, like EVERYONE. They take the advantage of not-strict teachers and twist their way around them to get grades they don’t deserve at all. Today, I’ve been tempted at a few times, but I’m proud to say that I finally overcome that. OK, as much as it hurts to say, even if I did get a lower or bad grade in any of those subjects (though my confidence has yet to be broken) at least I would have something to come off it. OK, it start to come off a bit harsh but still man. I wish someday they would still learn.
You’ll never know, I’m after you.
Love life = KA PLUNK. No guys that I’m remotely interested in. Well, the ones that I like don't notice me x(
Arggh. I don’t feel pretty. Did I mention my stomach has it’s own stomach? And my bangs make me feel…all blehhhh…
I better stop complaining and wasting computer space.
What I want to do?!
Continue reading Anne Frank and enriching my mind that hungers for knowledge.

Hold my Hand..

And you smell like, what angels outta smell.

That’s a line from New Found Glory’s song, ‘Hold my Hand’. It’s one of my life soundtracks now. Hehehe.

What I sort of figured out is my way of studying and the perspective of how I see school. I’m trying to keep this short, because I really want to use this time as to catch up on my ‘laziness’, especially towards my school studies. Still, I don’t feel happy about it. Lack of motivation is the number one cause. I still have motivation for school, yet the society and environment is the reason why it’s dropping down. The faith I have in school isn’t that much anymore, and if only my parents had the money, I would move school. A school with great education. There’s one school that I’m sort of eyeing but I really don’t want to get my hopes up, because there’s a small possibility I might move. Money problems. Arggh.
My mind feels like I’m deteriorating.
Blehh. Oh well. Hope for better futures, eh?
Everyone’s so lazy.
Sometimes I wonder why people in the class see me as a smart one. I don’t mean to sound egoistical or anything, but still. I just have more dedication, as more as I see it. I mean, everyone else is damn lazy, and if they really give a damn or not, then I bet they would have the same grades as me or whoever they consider as ‘smart’. Arggh, but my stubbornness sort of conflicts with it. I sort of get annoyed towards the people who want to act as smart or something. I feel guilty for holding such a bad judgement as that, but I’m trying to deal with that.
Okay, that’s enough for now.
Hold my hand.

Blinded..

People asked me if I was okay.
I said with a fake smile within, “Yeap”.
If only they knew how I felt. But then I question, are their hearts too selfish to really pay attention. Am I who I am, depending on how they feel about me? I really wonder how they see me. Am I just another face passing through the door. Am I the one where they ask their questions to, or the person that’s too quiet? I want to communicate with them, but something just holds me back. I don’t think I could make it, and I never will. I’ll just crawl back into my image, and really become a part of it. There’s nothing that I can do about it now.
The creative part of myself has stripped away. Words that used to be so easy to create then became difficult. It’s just not there anymore.
I remember holding back my tears and locking myself in the bathroom. I remember the tears coming out. It wasn’t clear, it wasn’t easy as it was. A part of me wanted to cry, the other part just wanted to be strong.
Spin me around and rub my eyes
This can’t be happening.
Then I waited till the scar on my face was gone. Waited till every single trace of evidence went away. Then, I looked at myself in the mirror for the last time, and put on that face. A face, as I walked out the door, became just another one passing through the hallway.
You don’t care a bit..
You don’t care a bit..

Thank goodness it’s FRIDAY. I’m not sure if I’m going to a school event tomorrow. I’m not sure, I’m not sure. I don’t know how to get home. Seriously.
I just want to stay at home and not care about the world anymore.
Constants. Aren’t so constant anymore.
Self-identity crisis. There’s no cure whatsoever.
Hope for better futures.
Sincerely,
Theworldwon’tlisten – The Smiths

Shoot Your Gun...

I don’t like my school.
Five top reasons why it’s sort of sucks
It’s expensive and it’s not worth it at all. We still have to pay extra for books and after school activities.
It’s damn small. I’m beginning to despise the smallness of the school. I mean, arggh! I don’t know, sometimes I just don’t feel like I fit in for some reason.
Hmm, what else? The facilities are cheap. Cheap, cheap, cheap! The internet in the school computers aren’t that good, they’re so damn slow!
It’s not organized at all. The students here are all brainwashed and influenced from the laziness and now, the student council people canceled one event that’s supposed to happen. Arggh! It’s evident, I can think of various teachers that changed their job because of this school!
Last but not least… it’s not disciplined enough! Seriously man, everyone, including the teachers influence us their laziness. I had enough man. Seriously, I want a school that’s disciplined enough to run it’s own school events!

The thing that hurts, mostly, is the fact that my parents can’t afford to transfer me into another school. Arggh, I don’t like thinking about it, I just have to concentrate hard on my studies. Arggh, it can be a little bit distracting sometimes. I just have to hope for better futures. Money isn’t everything. But spending it on quality education is, and believe me, this school doesn’t have the value for it’s price. Arggh. I’m going to be stuck here forever, I swear. I will, I will, I will.
Hmm, what else? What else? The financial thing doesn’t really bother me as before, but it still delivers the bad feeling all over. Seriously man, I really want to move school. The main reason is for the better education. I want to prepare myself for college. I’m starting to think about my life in the future. It’s obvious that it’s not going to work out without any hard work. I mean, I want a good-paying job that I love. You know what I mean? I bet later, I have to distinguish the difference between the pleasure between materialistic things and spiritual things.
Guess I have to start working on it, eh?
IT all seems light years away.
My mind yearns to learn more about school. Quality education!
I just got my braces fixed. It doesn’t hurt at all, compared to the excruciating pain I felt before. It’s green. I don’t know why that’s important.
I can’t wait to have that winning smile.
I’ll be smiling all over the place.
Sometimes I feel like in the middle of the whole situation. Middle of how much we have. I mean, I have it all to what is seemed to be living comfortably. But somehow, just thinking that my parents have debts to pay, and that sometimes we got to struggle to make ends meet. I know I shouldn’t compare, okay, I’ll stop right now.

If You Really Want to Hear About It...

I’m on fire! And now I think I’m ready to bust a move..check it out I’m rocking steady
Motion City Soundtrack ‘The Future Freaks Me Out’

Hmm, anyways, later I’m may be going to a party of a friend’s. I really hope so, I just hope that some of my girl friends are going there, besides me. Arggh! I hope it’s going to be fun, and I hope that having a ride home won’t be too hectic. That’s my main concern usually going to parties and all that. My car is ready, but my dad wants me to SMS him when he’s picking me up. I don’t want him to do the hassling! Alright, if I could convince him that the driver can wait and drop me home. Arggh, I don’t have high hopes right now.
Hmm, anyways, what else?? What else? Okay, I’m started to exercise today. I’m not all that bad shape, but I could tell that there are more extra layers of fat. I could feel it, hehehe, especially in my stomach. I measured it, and it’s a whopping 32 inches. I’m trying to get it down by 2 inches soon. To a size 30. Arggh!
Hmm, what else is interesting? I’m hoping to get my list of things to make myself feel better. You know, like get a haircut, or buy new whatnots and all that. Hahaha, I like making lists. But it’s about time to make those lists come true.
I’m also looking forward to…a lot of things. My attitude’s on a high currently..and I’m hoping it’ll be like that in the long run. Hmm, what was I going to say? Oh yeah, getting ready and preparing for college. I know it’s still one and a half more years, but still.


THE FOLLOWING DAY..


Everything went fine yesterday. It was a good time, I guess. Nothing special really happened.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about what I should do about my life. Okay, to put things in perspective. In my last teenage years, I want to enjoy it, yet at the same time, I want to learn important life lessons. Okay, that came out sort of gay, but I’m still continuing. You know, enjoy my youthful experience. I want to go out sometimes, and experience clubbing and all that, but I really don’t want to be the type of person that goes home drunk and all that. Maybe have a few sips but not like, full on drunk. I want to have a good enough social life, with a few secured close friends and all that. I don’t want to be single for the rest of my life, although now, I’m feeling independent more than ever. I want to have those experiences that will cherish, and not a boring one. At the same time, I want to maintain my grades, score good in my SATs as well, and maintain a healthy relationship with my parents. I also want to be faithful to God, and respect my Catholic faith. Repeating journal entries such as this one, wishing and hoping for a better life, but then screws it idiotically, and then the same thing goes over and over again.
If I had the time to go back through my blog entries, I know that I will find one that’s similar to this one. And then, I’ll see how screwed up it’ll turn out.
I hate waking up and realizing you’re still sleepy but you just can’t go back to sleep.
Arggh. I miss DSL.

15 Minutes..

Note: This was written over the past few days, so it isn't one continous entry.
Sighs. Here we go again.
I hate myself for it. I always thought I had a clear picture, or it was all going to work out, but then I’m seriously right back where it started. My body feels weird. It feels, not normal. My faith in God is the only thing that saves me, yet I’m scared of letting go. I just want within an arm’s reach. Sometimes I feel that I take it all for granted. I really do. Let’s take things into perspective.
7 Deadly Sins
Lust
Greed
Envy
Sloth/Laziness
Anger/Wrath
Pride
Gluttony
LUST
I had an encounter with this one today. I’m sorry to say that it’s ones that hormones are to blame, other than our minds. Hahaha, but yeah. Teenagers have lust, and we all tend to, ahem, express it in several different ways. Most of us think lust is something to do with sexual desires, but really, it could be something as a craving for excitement (in a non sexual way), depraved thought (probably means impure thoughts) which I am sort of getting a little bit. But yeah.
GLUTTONY
Sometimes I think I have this. I don’t know whether I overeat or if I’m just really hungry. I’m really trying to keep my body image intact (flat stomach, I must admit that it might be from media pressure to be IDEAL). But during this holiday, I let myself give in to this excuse to eat A LOT.

GREED
Yeap, sometimes I have this. All it seems to be is to want want want want, especially in materialistic needs. Arggh. I hate having this. People whose life circulates around this in my opinion has to follow one simple rule. Find the difference between want and need. There’s a huge difference if you think about it.

LAZINESS/SLOTH
Yes, dissatisfaction and discontent. I felt this loads of times. Where I wanted something that I didn’t have (yeap, it’s similar to greed) or wasn’t satisfied with what I’ve got. It also means the absence or insufficiency of love. Yes, I’ve felt all of that sometimes. Even when I was aware of it.

WRATH
Anger. Anger. Anger. When I feel that no one understands me and all that. When nothing comes my way and that the world is too busy to recognize me at all. Self-denial. Impatience. One of my recognized flaws is impatience. I hate waiting.

ENVY
Wanting something what your friends have. Maybe it’s also counts where you want something that celebrities have, you know? Like their clothes, houses, friends, and all that. Basically there whole life. With the media nowadays, I definitely know how a majority of teens get INFLUENCED by the snap of the finger.

Sighs, I know I could just ask God for forgiveness and move on. What I’m afraid of is, if I get far but then I would throw it all away in one day. You know what I mean? But today was a day. A day of emancipation. I solemnly promise to myself that I would think things THRICE before I actually pursue them. Lately, I’ve been making myself promises that I don’t keep in the long running. I sort of am disappointed at myself for it. I hope for better choices next time.
I’m imperfect.
I’m flawed.
I make mistakes. It’s just the matter of doing them twice.

I think I’ll take my time to distract myself. The good kind, mind you.
There’s a little ray of hope inside of me that’s been going on for quite a long time. When I’m finished with this blog, I’m hoping to make it public. You know, sort of like the ‘Go Ask Alice’ type but not really assosciated with drugs. Just the mental battle that us teenagers tend to go through. I want to be able to reach out to other people, through writing. My speaking skills are not as ‘reachable’ as my writing, but someday I’ll get there.
I feel inspired today, for some reason. Time to make it shine.
I’m going to let it shine. Hahaha, I hope with all my heart that it’s not temporarily, just like the others.
I hope this is it for the long run.


Alright, let’s talk about another topic. Remember that guy that I used to be like, head over heels for? Now, after watching ‘A Walk to Remember’, as corny as it sounds, but it really is an awesome movie. Now I understand what all the hype it creates. I seriously bawled my eyes out while watching it. Landon Carter is the ultimate key to my soul, I swear. He’s like the perfect gentelemen, bad-boy turned good. He is HOT. I love his clothing style, his personality, everything. He is LUSH. Hahhaa, my perfect guy would be Landon Carter + Pete Wentz. Rawr. Hahaha.
Anyways, I ‘ultimately’ realized that it’s not a race. I know that there are people who get guys before me, but it’s them, you know? It’s just not worth it to make a big deal out of it, rejecting yourself and all that. He will come along. One day.
By the way, that GUY, I think I’m on the road to getting over him. He’s not worth it, I personally think that he’s a player. Maybe he’s got that good heart inside of him, but I think it’s not coming out at the moment’s time. Oh well, he’s still a good friend.
Part of this inspiration wants to me recognize my own flaws. Here’s that dreaded list. My first attempt in making one of these.

FLAWS
STUBBORNESS
My favorite ultimate flaw of mine. Hahah, it’s really popular. Hmm, how can I explain it? Well, I stick to my ideas for most of the time. I mean, when someone has an idea, and one’s in the midst in my head, I tend to follow my own. I reluctantly do there ideas if I really have to. Maybe that’s why I feel so… misunderstood. Maybe I have a tendency for things to go perfectly, in my own way. One little thing and it’s all blown.

PROCRASTINATION
I write a lot just to remind myself to do things. Actually do things. I’m still having trouble with it, but now with the inspiration pouring out of me, I’m feeling confident that the day(s) will come. SOON.

Alrite, before I thought I had more. Seriously, there are more flaws then these two but I can’t seem to figure it out.
I promise you I will.
Oh, that reminds me. Here’s another one.
MAKING PROMISES I MYSELF CAN’T KEEP.









Press your lips to the sculpture and surely you’ll stay.
There I go again, typing down people’s lyrics.
Anyways, hmmm.. well I’ve been listening to TBS ‘Make Damn Sure’ and there’s this line (here I go again) it’s like,
I just want to break you down so badly
And then another one goes like
I’m gonna make damn sure that you won’t something something

Anyways that really relates to what I’m currently experiencing right now. I mean seriously, that jerk. I want to really get back at him, seriously. I’m gonna make damn sure. Okay, I’m not pissed at him…
Maybe I am, but still, it’s like…ARGHHH! OMG..I just really want to get back at him. I know that there’s like, a huge chance that he’s not into me anymore, and it’s just so damn annoying that he just left things be. To be with hotter girls or something, I don’t know. Stupid guy ideology. It’s friggin useless and full of crap. Arggh, I’m just soo pissed. I saw a picture of him *argghhh* and I spent a couple of seconds cursing at him. ARGGHHH.
Okay, I just want to make one thing clear. My feelings for him is just not there anymore. The only thing I want to be assosciated with him is to feel the pain. His loss. Haha, I sound so conceited and all, up there, but still! It’s just sooo damn annoying! I really want to get back at him somehow. Really really really want to. REALLY WANT TO SOOOO MUCH. Like let him know what he’s missing or something. Arggh, like, I want to stumble upon him with a sexy yet subtle look and I want him to DROOL…or STARE or whatever..you know movies sometimes do, like when someone gets a makeover and the one that’s supposed to like them but doesn’t, then when they meet for the first time after the makeover, it’s all slow-mo while the person walks and looks drop dead pretty while the guy just stares. I WANT THAT! HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH..man, I sound like a maniac right now. But I really want to get back at him. I’m jumping up and down SCREAMING. Haha, not really screaming but still….I WANT TO SCREAM!
The fact that he has a ‘lot of girls’ right now’ isn’t helping at all!!! ARGGHHH!! So far, I count three! MOFO. Arggh, he’s not worth it. Well, I won’t say that he’s worth it, but I just want to get EVEN with him ASAP. I don’t know how to though.
Better get out the curling iron! Wait, I need to buy one.

I had a shopping trip with my mom today. IN a place where it’s not considered a mall, but more of a plaza. Let me tell you, it’s a great place to get CHEAP music CDs and DVDs, but it’s also a place where there’s a lot of not high quality stuff. You just have to look hard. Some of the clothes are awesome. My mom bought me a pretty good bag and a pair of flats. A couple of cheap music CDs and DVDs. Yeah, it was awesome though.
Anyways I really need to lose some weight. Seriously man. My main goal is to get rid of the stomach flub. I swear, it’s a FAT flub. FATTY STOMACH x( Arggh, I better have to start going to the gym more. I remember the summer vacation, I ate a LOT. Then I lost it during the GK practices. Man I was so proud, my stomach was pretty flat! Now, after it, I regained most of the flub by now. I think it’s doubled by now L
Now, I’m going to the gym MORE often!!!!!!!!!! Arggh, I need a flat stomach. But I made a solemn promise that I won’t lose it by the stupid way. You know, the anoxeric way, or bulimic way. I’m going to do it the healthy way. Cut down my unnecessary eating (I’ve been doing a lot of snack eating during the holidays, I swear) and yeah, it’s time to get rid of the ugly habits anyways.
I had a terrible stomach a while ago. Some of it still there, I can still feel it. Arghh, it felt so bad till I went number two. By the time I finished, most of the pain had already went away. Hahaha, just thought I liked to share with you.
Yesterday I received tons of clothes from one of my rich friends. Hehehe, some of them are right on (a striped mini skirt!) and some of them were A.OK (boob tops!) some of them were just way off (pencil skirts, blehh). Some just needed a little DIY – make it a little bit shorter, or make it V-neck style but others I just did not like it at all. Most of them were from label stores, like SUPRE or MNG. What I really liked was this MNG grey wifebeater, it’s really simple but I heart it. There were some that I really want to keep, but I got to confess that it can’t really fit me anymore L but I hope that the trips to the gym will help it!



I can’t believe myself right now. I just let myself buy a packet of cigarettes downstairs (first I was unbelievably scared that the cashier person won’t let me but it turns out that he did). I already smoked 5 cigarettes. I don’t know, first it was the constant curiosity. What made it seem really damn foolish was that it looked sort of cool. Now my mouth tastes of cigarettes now, and I’m scared whether those 5 cigarettes would actually take an effect on my body now. I don’t want to smoke anymore, sometimes it seems that I won’t do it, but then this sort of aura washes over me. Like, first it’s the sensible side of me, you know, like an angel. But then that aura, a new me, the wilder, more ‘teenager’ sort of feeling wants me to try out of curiosity. Blame the media, blame the society. I think I should also blame myself for being not strong-willed as I think I am. I tried smoking before this, but it was only a few puffs. Now, it’s like 5 cigarettes. I didn’t finish all of them. But now, I know that this is the sliding point whether I want to continue smoking or not. And now, I’m thinking NO. This was one time to satisfy my curiosity and that’s it. NO WAY. Hell no. I don’t want to become those sort of person. First, it’s damn bad for your health. It’s like a thousand chemicals are already swarming in my body right now. I don’t want liver cancer or whatnot. I seriously don’t want that. I already know the effects of smoking. But the whole thing is just curiosity. I already remember that I had a few dreams where I find myself smoking for some reason. Now, I already know the curiosity and I’m not going to do it anymore.
I made a promise to myself that I’m not going to try drugs at all. That’s just messed up.
After this, I’m going to throw out the cigarettes I bought. It’s called Essence, ‘Class A Filter Cigarettes Menthol’.
Arggh, I feel guilty. Mostly to God. I just…I don’t know why I find myself in situations where I feel further and further away from God. Seriously, I hate that man. I’m so flawed. I thought I was strong, but actually, I feel weaker and weaker by the minute.
I hate being a teen. I want to go back to being a kid again. Where times were so much simpler and whatnot.
What’s making it even worse is that the internet cannot work at all. Arggh! I hate this. I need distraction. Now my mouth taste faintly of cigarettes, it’s making me sick.
No way. No way. No way. No way.


I seriously can’t believe I’ve done that. I’m on the brink of losing my youthful innocence. What is youth anyway? Is it the time when we were kids? Or am I just taking my first into youth? I don’t know, but I really don’t want to get myself caught up into the bad influences.
This isn’t for long-term, I hope.
I’m currently waiting for a better day. I don’t think I’m getting enough sleep but, arggh, I feel tired, but I can’t sleep at all! I absolutely hate that feeling.
Anyways, what else? My stomach is still bloating, yet that tired sensation won’t get off, so I don’t feel energized at all. Arggh!!
There’s still plenty to do...
All I need is good night’s sleep! L
Still waiting for a good day.