Ordinary People..

i just found out that my one of my parent's friends might have committed suicide.
this was the worst news i ever received this year. it's so disturbing. i met tita and tito before at church but i never knew that they were capable of that. it didn't even cross my mind at all.
my heart goes out to them, especially the little children.
apparently, his airline company went bankrupt and he owed the bank quite a lot of money, compared to how much we owe to the bank. it made me realize a lot of things, but i don't really want to talk about it. i'm just so worried how they would cope with. imagine being on their shoes. first, it made me feel really lucky even though my family doesn't have it all.
i don't know, words sort of ruin the feeling if you're not using them correctly. so i guess i just have to leave at that.
gotta go back to doing whatever it is deemed 'important' right now.
** btw, i'm grounded. let's see how it goes for 6 months.
*** i got shouted at by my parents last night and lost around 1/2 of my water intake that night. my eyes looked like they were stung by a bee when i went to school today, plus with newly emerged zit.
**** i got to reform, as what my dad says.
let's just see how it goes. neither feeling positive nor negative, pretty neutral.
ahhh.
sometimes i hate what people think of me. especially my bestie. i don't know, whether we're in shaky ground or if its just me, that seems different from before. before i spilled one of my innermost secrets are something.
i dunno. i'll just keep this between me and you for now.
wait, since when it did it stop?
its always been like that.

Bruised..

IN the middle of dilemma. I know it’s wrong to stay mad at my parents, I just don’t where to vent and pour all my anger to. What I’m really mad is, the situation, that’ been going on for several years. I just want to change it, you know?

The financial situation has it another day low. Even though I know that there are people who have it worse then us, I still bury that feeling and continue venting my anger, mostly just bottled up inside of me. Ahh, to think of it, I mostly pour out my frustrations here in my blog or journal. Ahh. I just came back from a cool gym which was really refreshing and different, compared to the damn gym downstairs. Here it’s way more comfortable and spacious, and different of varieties. Ahh, the luxuriousness. You know how I do when I’m confronted with luxury, us lions have a huge emphasis on this word. Ahh, but the problem is that my parents won’t let me join it, because we don’t have any money. We’re piling up in debts. I’m tired of making up excuses to my friends. I’m not joining basketball (which truly is, a ripoff. I don’t see why we have to pay for that sort of money which isn’t worth it at all). Anyways, what else? What I really hate, it’s one of my biggest pet peeves, is what people will think of me. Will they think I’m poor or something? Especially my best friend.

It bothers me, since she’s completely opposite with me. Her current situation. She could spend money anytime, anywhere. She wouldn’t have a problem getting what she wants. As for me, let’s say it’s like two different worlds. I have to save my money carefully and all that. Today, while she was taking a sum of money out of her card account, I couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy when I saw her bank account balance. Aw, come on. I hate feeling like this.

Hmm, I don’t want all the money in the world or something, I just want to pay for our debts so our slate could be wiped clean. I guess there’s no thing such as a slate wiped clean. It’s obvious that they’re will always be a small smudge.

My parents are mad at me. I don’t what to do, but I know they’re disappointed in me.

I know I am.

What the hell am I going to do?

Say Anything (Else)

someday you will sing it out loud.
one day this will make you proud.
these words that i hope will signify the future presence of myself. i really hope the time i devoted in putting my current thoughts and feelings will give me some sort of clarity in the future.
an odd thing happened to me today. something, i don't know what, happened to my precious ipod. the one thing that keeps my secret imagination going. the one that gives me distraction when no one seems to acknowledge me. the headphones weren't working, which made me panic. ahhh..it continued to bother me. then my mom told me to pray to God, say hallelujah for 15 minutes. i didn't want to spend money *again, with the financial issue problems* on it. while i was praying, i prayed also for the many issues that continue to dominate my mind, but then i started to think, 'am i really asking for the right things' sometimes. anyways, afterwards i went to my mom's room, who was watching E.R on DVDs at the moment, with the guapo George Clooney onscreen and i told her that the ipod still won't work. then, i tried to restart it, and there it was. the music of new found glory started playing. ahh. prayers happen really. i prayed hard for the hassle-free of the visa renewal in singapore yesterday and it really worked. it was one of the most hassle-free trips we ever went to. i miss singapore and all the things that make it, well, singapore. hahaha, everything's so organized there compared to here or philippines. especially the MRT, which we tried yesterday. hahah, it was so much fun. i wish in the future i could stay there or something. i just love the orderliness and the luxury. it's soo clean there.
anyhoo, the money thing. recently, my bestie wanted me to join this celebrity fitness thing in a nearby mall, but you pay by credit card. the word 'credit card' shouldn't be in my parent's radar, seriously. i think they're having problems paying for it. but i think this celebrity fitness could be worth it - i mean my mom could exercise there, but what i really think she would say is, 'why do we have to spend *bla bla* on that? we already got a gym downstairs? we're already struggling as it is..........'. but i think she could use the yoga classes or something. i don't know. i don't want to disappoint my bestie, but if we had the money, why not?
i just guess time would have to wait, huh?
ANYHOO, apart from that. the ongoing issue of not paying the school's tuition fees for 6 months still is going on to me.
oh, and also the growing 4 stomaches lady. well, it's not so bad now, but before it felt like i swallowed three air balloons or something.
that previous ipod incident gave me 'realization' that i should take care of my belongings. seriously man. i would eat four pints of pistachio almond if something would have happened to my beloved ipod.
cheers to a sore ear and a disturbing financial history.
xoxoxo.



OMG. that was one of the most horrible things i ever experienced by myself. that and going to the dentist 4 times to get my teeth out. my upper left piercing earring fell off, so i had to put another one before the hole closed. OMG. the stinging continues to hurt man. it feels, so sore and uncomfortable. it's like when i first just got it. i don't know, why did the first earring have to fall off anyhoo? it feels so damn uncomfortable, i can't talk about it anymore. OMG. that was seriously one of the most pyschically hurtful moments of my lives. now, the area is pretty red. ahh, i hope i don't get an infection.

Hapus Aku..

new keyboard with multimedia functions. colorful hi-tech mouse. wohoo.
hahaha, i love the feeling of tapping fingers to the new keyboard. hahaha. wohoo.
arggh, i don't know whether my dad would approve of this. i hope that he won't say in this mind, 'this is useless. there she goes again. spending money that we don't have' or something.' i really hate that. ahhh. this feels really good. i just hope it's enough to please my dad.
ahh, i hate talking about money problems. right now, it's seriously starting to build up. it's making me stressed. tommorow we're going to singapore. not for a damn vacation trip, but to get our visas renewed. i predict that this trip would be the MOST HECTIC for the year. i mean, we're supposed to get our damn visa available for like, 2 years in just one day. i mean come on. ahhh. i really am hoping that we won't waste any money or something. it's really squeezing off our bank accounts. and btw, did i tell you that we STILL haven't paid for all last sem's tuition????????
when will they pay?
i hate the waiting. i hate the waiting. i hate the waiting. when will they pay? and when can my dad can get a steady monthly salary? omg. omg. i hate the waiting.
but these current stresses really contradict my catholic faith. i just have wait patiently, you know? money shouldn't be the top priority in our lives, God's love should be. so, i better shift my head towards that, instead of money. but still, thinking about it after huge amounts of debt, it can surely be pretty hard.
i hate my bahasa indonesia man. i'm surely going to get like, bad scores, especially for the oral part, which is like 30% of the grade. if i get really bad for that, and average scores of the test and assignments, the luckiest i can get could be....C or something. a major blow to the grade point average. oh, and did i tell you that i get my honor's roll? a 3.5-3.75 GPA ..wohooo!! im soo excited.
but i could vividly remember that night, i cried my eyes out. personal problem for mysel regarding my family. i couldn't take it anymore that night. a night that was supposed to happy, became a nightmare for some reason. oh well, you can't win them all, can you?
what's really bothering me is the trip tommorow. the first priority is our visa and the duration of time. and immigration. i'm going to pray really hard man.
when that's finished, i hope that the collection of money will come pretty soon. ahhh. the debts, the debts.
i'm trying to shift. i'm trying to shift.
hope for better futures, eh????
i hope God can continue to help us. He's our only hope.
Sometimes my dedication doesn't seem to be enough.
financial stress seems to be our current middle name.
OMG. x(
ahh, these words aren't coming out right.
i better go right now.

Sway..

Oh my ga.

Studying the SATs is a nightmare. I’m up to the Section 2 Math in the diagnostics test and I’m already sweating my ass off trying to answer the questions. I stopped almost at the end of it because I couldn’t really concentrate on it anymore. It’s going to be harder then I thought. So much harder. This and juggling with schoolwork and extra curriculars, it’s going to be harder then I imagined. I just think that this is going to push me through. The more pressure, the better.

I just hope days aren’t like this. Yeah, I’m concentrating on the SATs, but the concentration span should widen in time. I also have trouble balancing the time between each question. Ahhh. OMG.

Schoolwork is also starting to pile up. Hahah, don’t get me wrong, I’m getting excited lol. The only thing that’s bothering me is Bahasa Indo. as usual. I’m having trouble analyzing this movie that we watched.

This isn’t a very interesting blog entry, but I haven’t really written in a long time. My hand is killing me so I can’t write that much in my journal anymore.

I just figured that I should rest when I get restless. Ack. I hope I don’t waste too much time, you know?

I keeping tell myself, ‘if this is only grade 10, then what would college be like?’ Probably 10 x harder.

Keep me embraced.

A little while ago, I visited purevolume.com, and I saw a couple of blog entries I made, and I must say, I was impressed for a rare time to my own writing. I really hope I could continue to write more like that in the future, you know?

Here’s to my little 30 minutes break.

My concentration span is very small. Forgive me.

Be here with me forever.

And SWAY >>> beautiful song. For those special times. xD

angelica.

Mystery Achievement..

whoa.
am i really happy now? if i were to tell you, i don't know. sometimes i think that the only way to be truly happy is change myself. drastically? probably in-between. sometimes i do things that i regret later on, pangs of self-humiliation or immaturity or self-consciousness. wait, do they all mean the same thing?
i just can't tolerate how some other people do it. yet at the same time, i let it influence me, gradually, then suddenly.
i know i should only focus on myself - and not let the influences of others take over me. but i can get sucked in pretty easily, but that doesn't necessarily mean that i'm easy to drop all my things in terms for another. i can't really explain, but it shows at the most private times.
i guess i'm not explaining correctly what it's supposed to be. and here i am, trying to find a college major regarding writing. i don't know, i guess that's what i want to do, and people say i'm good at it, but seriously, can i make it? these doubts and worries, that i'll let everybody down, and worse, let myself down.
omg. i can't wait till high school finishes. the more i think about it, the more i hate it. the more i get completely absorbed by it. i can't wait till college. yet at the same time, i desperately wish that i could have enjoyed high school better. don't get me wrong, there was various good memories that i've held, but somehow, it just doesn't seem enough. like, maybe i enjoyed it back then but with other thoughts pressed up against the wall. i don't know, right now, i'm not enjoying it as much as i want it to be, even though it's like one and a half more year till i go to college.
i guess i have to ride with it, huh?
people say that you just have to get through high school. it's like, a rite of passage that is known for it's constant self-torture emotionally. heck yeah.
let me dive in deeper. i just got to get this off my chest. it's all about friends.
i don't know why it's getting me depressed and all that. i have this feeling that the more friends i make, the more i feel better about myself. that people can actually hang around me. but the thing is, i look at myself as an anti-social person. i can't just go up to a person and introduce myself. i get shy and i tend to say stuff that i regret. sometimes i click with the person, sometimes i just don't. and nowadays, it's like i'm clicking off way more then i click on. and i'm spending way more days at home then hanging out with other people. i don't know. i don't really want to talk about it anymore. let's just say, i get really envious of people who could make friends easily.
ahh. how about college? that's why i want to make this work. start myself anew and try my hardest to enjoy it.
the more, the better. there's a deceiving feel to it. a mission that i can't accomplish.
i consider myself a nerd. don't you know that. i think that everyone has at least a small part of their personality which they consider as, 'uncool'.
seriously, what is the meaning of 'cool'? something that impresses others? yet the definition is expanded, you and I know that we have our own definition of what cool really means. it's just the standard that we all have to live up in that one word during high school. i think that's how high school cliques begin.
popular.
let me be away from it all. let everyone be apart of it.
we're different. we all know that. what i can't tolerate is conformity towards other people.

Ooh Child..

Recently my parents, especially my dad had taken deep interest of what college I was going to. It's almost a year and a half that I'm leaving for college. Time has been an enemy to us consuming all what we have left. Fears are starting to dominate my mind, and I would like to share it with you;
* Am I going to make it in college?
This one is the most fearful one. Since I'm starting a year earlier than usual, my lack of experience might get to me. But I heard in Philippines, it's quite common for students to start college at the end of their junior year. Erase a year of high school youthfulness for me.
Oh, and right now I'm entering through a phase of confidence, thinking that college isn't that bad for me. I can handle this and whatnot. But what if I can't? Where will there be a place to escape? Like right now, I'm taking it easy. I always procastinate, and thinking that there always be time at the end. I usually get myself punched at the end at the project or assignment in high school, meaning I find the deep consequence of it when it's too late. Am I going to continue like this?
* Am I going to fit in?
Living outside of Philippines might consider me as a foreigner. I can't speak Tagalog, and I personally know that's a hard obstacle for me to jump. I enjoy English but I know sooner or later I got to learn Tagalog to get to know people around the college campus.
* Am I going to be happy in the major and college I choose in?
I mean seriously, there are definitely some thoughts regarding what the right school is. Maybe I thought that this specific college is the right one for me. What happens if it all backfires, or I change the mood drastically? Ahh. My parents would surely kill me, and forbid me to change majors.

I'm trying to cope with this pre-college trauma by taking the measures. I write in my journal, which gives me breath for my emotions to flow. I don't know if I can talk about this to anyone, but at the meantime, I'm trying to plan this by myself, with the support of my parents. I'm trying to organize this folder, where I keep all my research findings like career asessment test results, several off-to-college guides, college sites, admissions, SAT preparations, and whatnot. I'm only doing the outline right now. Sooner or later, I got to write down a calender after I find out when each of the colleges/uni starts, so I can adapt it to my own timetables and whatnot. I feel very excited by this.
Even though it seems very new and mature-like, I would still like to maintain my youth. I want to enjoy it, go out and hang out with my friends and all that. I'm the type of person who would rather stay at home and do whatnot, but there are times where I love to hangout in the mall with my friends.


I make mistakes. I am a sinner.