Like A Stone..

I’m so messed up.
It’s nearly half past 10, and I still need to do my homework and stuff.
I’m in infatuated, maybe in love, with someone I don’t even know
I love you in hour increments.
I’m listening to the radio – listening to unknown yet familiar voices laughing and having a conversation.
I want him.
I need him so badly.
I’m lonely
I’m in dire need of someone to love. Someone like ‘him’. It’s so depressing, I swear. I’m in love with someone that I absolutely have no chance in.
I’m crazy for him so much.
I want him to be here.
I want him to be with me.
I try and not let it get me. But it just keeps coming back more special and just happier as the dreams can sweep me for a small amount of time.
I want him to look in my eyes – and show that everything is alright in his arms.
I want everything from him.
The thought of me being alone here in my apartment
I don’t want any girl to have him except me. I still want girls to be into him, but the special wish that he chooses me instead of them is just the greatest choice I would ever cherish.
He’s 2000 miles apart
He might be into one special girl – or may have many affairs – or whatever, but I just can’t help but feel, I’m the only one for him.
That girl would never love him the way that I do.
He’s so special in my heart.
I keep thinking and wishing that my future guy would be like him in every way.
I’m sick of being single. I want a guy like him though.
I drive myself crazy every time I doom myself to click it.
I guess I’ll move on – but I wish you’ll always be there in my heart. Even though you have no idea that I exist L >>>> hardest sentence x(
I want a guy exactly like you – same hair, same smile, same mouth, same style, same personality, same deep passion for writing. There’s a trillions of people out there, is there any chance that someone as special as you can come here to me.
I’ll treat you right just as long as you treat me right first.
I’m listening to a weird Indo. Jazz song. Weird.
I’m saying this to the feeling that grabs your everyday thoughts and swish’swirl it till stops your present mind from working. It feels great and depressing at the same time. Everyone tends to experience it. I’ll spill out more when I have more time and when it’s not almost midnight in a school night. I’m getting tired.
I miss my mom. I want her to be alright. I miss my dad. I want him to be with my mom. That makes it okay for me to stay here all by myself. A scarring mark of small independence that teens my age never get to experience much.
So long.
I heart him forever.
I hope he's out there.

Better Together..

Goodnight Goodnight
I’m still at my best friend’s house.
She’s sleeping at the moment.
I’m using her computer.
I’m longing for some company – just someone to talk to.
I’ve made contact with a guy that I haven’t been talking quite a lot for quite a year. It felt pretty good. But it was pretty clear that old feelings may have come back. Old reminiscence – you know what I mean?
Don’t believe everything I type – it’s not original. The whole world isn’t.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re chatting with someone and they abruptly stop your conversation? It’s the meanest thing – other than being left out. You hate to wonder whether you’re a good conversationalist or not. If they bring up an excuse – it still doesn’t heal the scratch.
Now I know how it feels like – sometimes words can lead you into ‘unexpectations’. Sometimes words can just bind you with someone forever – or almost forever. I want you. I need you. Those simple words can just seem so simple but then it explains everything I feel for him. I may never met you, or I may have known about you for all the wrong/right reasons, but still, I’m glad it happened to me. You mean everything to the world to me. I know it seems crazy but it’s true. I said this a thousand times, I’ll say it once again. I know there are probably thousands of teens out there who may have the emotional connection that I feel, but then it doesn’t mean mine is less undervalued or anything. I just can’t stop thinking about you. I want to be in your arms. I want to be the attention of many eyes filled with envy. I want you to make me feel special. I want you to make me feel beautiful. I want a lot of things – all of them, or 99.9 % of them just wants to be with you.
Hour increments. Sometimes it comes. Then it goes. Then it comes back times three. Then it goes again.
There are so much to see – so little time.
Kudos for cable!
The day with a smile. A smile can be worth of a thousand hidden feelings.
Sometimes I just can’t express it in words. Words is a very powerful thing. That even didn’t come out right.
I feel loveless but not merit of unloveliness now.
Smile Like You Mean It – just strongly burdens the feelings that mingle this night. My dad’s not here. My family’s not here. My best friend’s asleep. Yup, I’m listening to the Killers.
Sorry but the man of my dreams just grabbed my attention once again.
The hand behind this pen relives a failure everyday

I Write Sins Not Tragedies...

I just had a weird day. I’m now at my best friend’s house – my dad just left this afternoon to Philippines to visit my mother. I could remember just laying at bed last night, just thinking that I would have the apartment to myself for a whole dang week. It’s weird – at first, it was going to be exciting and a piece of cake, but then, I would really miss my dad being there. It’s hard enough for my sister and then my mother not being there – but I just can’t help feeling ‘left out’ once again. I remember questioning whether something was going to happen during the trip and I’ll be left totally alone. It’s a dang weird feeling, I’ll tell you that.
Anyways, I feel really comfortable telling you one of my blog entries at my best friend’s house. I already feel that her home is like my second home. I’m so glad that I can have someone who I can tell totally everything about and not worry about it being spread to other people. A number of people can’t find true friendships like that and I’m definitely cherished to be one of the lucky ones.
It’s a weird day, I must repeat. One of my classmates, whose name I would not mention here, just had a major collateral damage. She’s been caught telling lies and all that towards someone else. Let me tell you, this wasn’t the first time that it happened. It sort of happened to me, but it happened to my best friend a number of times. I don’ t know, she seems to may have a grudge against her or something. But I think I know why she tells all these lies about us. I don’t necessarily think she’s jealous, but that’s an easy term for it. It’s because she’s insincere of herself. She’s not comfortable with what she has and all. She compares herself greatly to the people surrounding her, and when that person has a better thing or whatever, she tries to sort of ruin it. Nah, that’s not what I mean. It’s like, there are some people in the room where either the green or red light appears when she’s with them. If a green light appears on them, she’ll totally be friendly with them. But if a red light appears on them, she’ll try and stab you on the back or something. I don’t know, it’s a very complicated situation. She’s a very complicated character to sort of distinguish. I really think that she has some sort of illness or disorder that can’t really be cured.
Anyways, my interest in this had run out of lock.
I just heard that someone changed. Definitely shock alert.
*angie.

Remedy...

I want you to want me
I want you to need me..
I have a feeling that this song would soon be my ‘soundtrack’ of my life. Speaking of ‘soundtrack’ I just had a feeling of making a real ‘soundtrack’ of my life. Aww, this is gonna be fun! Anyways.. tons of stuff happened this weekend, which got me thinking, I should really start studying again! Oh great, I have a SOSE presentation tomorrow, and we’re going first! This sucks.
Anyways, hmmm.. at Saturday, I went to Chitos with my bestie. It was pretty fun – but then, I think we both sort of got the feeling that we’re slightly getting bored of each other in a way. It’s weird, there were some parts where it was just an awkward silence. We watched a movie – Big Momma’s House 2. It’s alright, I guess. It’s definitely one of those intriguing movies – so it’s really a TYPICAL blockbuster flick. I really don’t like stereotypical movies like that, it’s a pain in your neck – and you’re wallet as well. I still owe money for her for buying my ticket *I had enough money that time but than we bought it in the same time it’s sort of complicated* and yeah, money finishes off real quickly these days. I realize that Rp.100,000 is just enough for food and movies – that’s all. It’s NOT for shopping. If you want to go shopping, you seriously need more money than that. Whenever I’m with her, I keep eating a lot, which pretty sucks and awesome at the same time. And now, she’s really frickin obsessed with her weight – it’s getting really annoying, I swear. She’s wasn’t like this before, and from times, besides the annoyance, I feel sort of worried she might get an eating disorder or something – but right now, it’s still pretty much annoying. Anyways, yes, you definitely need more than Rp.100,000 when you want to shop with your friends. But if that’s the amount you just want to have fun with your mates, I guess it’s enough. The movie ticket is usually Rp.35,000 or Rp.50,000 in some theatres, and that’s not including popcorn and drink and all. But these past few visits at the mall, I haven’t ordered popcorn that much. Anyways, so that leaves around Rp.50-75,000 for food and entertainment and all. Hmm, dinner’s around like Rp.20-30,000 if you’re eating at the food court (a definite wise choice for your wallet, compared to the restaurants here) and if you’re eating at a resteraunt, it’s like a couple ten thousands more than that. So yeah, basically, if you choose the cheaper options here, you would be left with Rp.45,000. Hmm, that’s not too bad ain’t it? But arggh, there’s two malls that we usually hangout in. The first place the movie ticket is way more expensive but the food court is definitely one of the cheaper fast food eats and all. So, that’s like around Rp 50,000 + 25,000 (highest you can go, I think) = 75,000. Rp.25,000 spending money left >>>> usually, I may order a small snack or ice-cream, so that’s half of what’s left. What are fricking going to do with Rp.12,000? Okay, but what about the second mall? The movie ticket is 35,000 but there are all resteraunts where you can eat. That’s like around 30-35,000. So…30,000 left, huh? Yeah but still, whenever you’re hanging out with your friends, you see this really cute top and all or a music CD or a book even but you always don’t have the money to buy it. It pretty much sucks.
Clothes are the most expensive thing you buy there. The ones that I really like to buy and it’s definitely my style is this shop that sells shirts for less than 100,000 – which is a cheaper option than the branded ones. But what I really want is just one outfit from branded labels – that’s all. You know, a top (by the way, I would really like those vintage soft tops with lace and all) from wherever, and what else? I’m thinking of all these thing that I want from a designer label but then I have cheaper solutions (like, getting this jacket that it’s style that’s really awesome, but then you can get them in a cheaper place, what else? Shoes? I pretty much decided to invest in Converse pair that could really fit in most outfits – especially with jeans or skirt. Step-ins? My mom has a LOT! All I really want are these ballet-style slippers. I don’t know where I could find good ones. I should start searching. Hmm, what else? Bags? I really like a bag that I found in Chitos, but I’m sort of considering buying it, but I really want it for the Valentines Dance. The more I think about it buying all this, I think to myself – why do I really want it for? To impress myself or others? Sometimes I answer because it ‘fulfills my style’. But I’m always trying to find solutions where it fulfill my ‘style’ and my budget as well.
Label designer top >>>> 200,000 (my absolute budget)
Ballet type shoes >>>>> 250,000 (my absolute budget)
Converse shoes >>>> 200,000 (my absolute budget) can be purchased with my dad J
Denim skirt >>>> Rp. 100,000 (I think I could get it for a cheaper price in matahari.. I’m not definite though)
Anyways, I think I’m done talking about shopping needs or whatever. It’s what I already have that counts, you know? I should definitely be more thrifty and all.
Oh yeah, where was I up to? I remember watching the movie in the theatre and during the last minutes, I was really worried that my dad wasn’t picking me up yet because I had to go to the party she invited me in. It’s pretty awesome – but then I felt really bad for leaving my bestie in the movie theatre. I don’t know if she wasn’t pissed or she was, but it was hard to tell. I hopefully she’s alright. Anyways, I got there in time, thank goodness. It was a great way to meet new people, but then I got a feeling that people stuck to there own crowds. It’s pretty disappointing, there were a few people that I wanted to introduce myself and all. It sucks, but I really wished I could be able to talk to this girl who was a good striker during the soccer tournament. I guess I always count on others to do the first move or something. But other than that, it was pretty amazing. I had my first come across a Christian rock band. Yeah, it was those parties where it was like, Christian. If I could describe Christian in one word, I think I would describe it as safe. I don’t know why, but I feel safe whenever I have to go to meetings like that and all. It’s weird, you know? But I still think I like it. It’s pretty fun, but I wish I was better at making friends and all. Anyways, what else? Yeah, there was this live performance of a Christian rock band – St. Loco. It’s an awesome. I just kept looking around, observing how people ‘rocked’ with their musique and all, and it’s just different compared to the rock bands. It’s a cool experience though! They were people pushing other people around, I found it quite hilarious sometimes. My friend’s sister and her friend were quite obsessed with getting the band member’s handphone numbers. It was pretty cool that they actually did! And what else, yeah? We got to talk to one of the band members. It was pretty awesome!!!
Anyways, I’ll talk more about that the next time.. I promise.





I’m backkk!
Anyways, I want to talk about what happened during the youth meeting. Overall, it was actually pretty fun! I wish I could go this week, because they were going to talk about ‘Da Vinci Code’ which sparked several rumors about Jesus Christ and all – it’s going to be a very interesting subject. Anyways, I’m taking it slow. I have a weird feeling that I might be doing a sin – because I’m actually Catholic, but it’s almost really similar. I really don’t know – but overall, deep down in my heart, I think He doesn’t mind J
I’m beginning to show interest towards music I really didn’t think I would have. Genre of music such as Christian rock bands, which I heard a few during the youth meeting and during the concert (it totally rocked, I swear). I want to learn more about Christian rock bands, they’re totally awesome! But still have the issue I mentioned earlier – the two religions thing and all. Anyhoo, yeah… I also am starting to have a thing for local bands, I want to buy a few CDS, such as Superman is Dead (I read an article about a critically acclaimed director who made a docu about them, it’s like they’re a high political band or something.. interesting!) and something else, I don’t know. I never really thought of listening to other bands, but I dunno, I guess I’m starting to change my mind.
Things with my bestie has been weird again – I think she’s bored of me or something. we haven’t really talked this day as much as we used to. I think she’s starting to get bored of me or something. I dunno. But I’m guessing it’s a phase or something, I hope it won’t go to the wrong turn again.
Hmm, what else? I’m dreading for more friends. I want more companionship. I want a social life. I want people who I feel comfortable calling and talking and all.. I want it all that it hurts. i still want to maintain strong friendships with the people I’m sort of acquainted with >>> time will only tell, it’ll help you to progress or if its not mean to be, then it’ll not.
I wear a halo…whenever you’re looking at me J
I love that song from Bethany Joy Lenz >>>> I want more One Tree Hill! OTH!!! She has an awesome singing voice.
Friends. Something that I should have treasured ages ago. Right now seems such a good time >>> I’m single and I’m not liking anybody at the moment. Seriously not liking anybody. I want them. I need them.
What else? I’m still totally infatuated by pete’s words. And pete himself. Seriously, I thank God that he showed me a way towards a great and awesome person as himself. It blows that FOB didn’t win the ‘best new artist’ grammy this year, and when you read his journal, you could tell he was sort of gloomy and disappointed, but then he states he goes over to the fan q&a and he totally becomes happy again. Man, when I say it, it doesn’t seem that special, but when you actually read it, I don’t know about you, but it blows me away. I hope they’ll win next year. I really do hope so. J they truly deserve it J
>>>> Is there any chance that I could get to meet them? I want to see them doing the thing that makes my heart graciously beat. It makes me feel ‘alive’. It definitely makes me smile inside and out. it’s just a surrounding presence of them. It’s one of my ‘rushmores’ in my life. FOB. Please rock on. go over the leaps and bounds and cherish it. experience the down lows but still keep them running through your veins. The world is a great place, and a not so great place at the same time, you know? I just want to be there whenever you achieve >>> just like any true FOB would want to. Sometimes I think it’s such an unimaginable thought of thinking such an extraordinary thing. I know there are plenty of us that’s thinking the exact same thing as me, but let me speak out my mind. Words are just 5.5 % that can express what you guys mean to me. it’s part of a vicious cycle that we all are trapped in. why is it vicious? I think you guys can answer that in your hearts.
God bless. x)

Growing Up...

I’ve just had a weird sort-of encounter with my best friend just before. I went over to her house to hangout and all, but it ended sort of weird, in a way. It’s like, she wanted more in her life. Okay, that sounded totally what I did not want it to sound, but it’s like..okay, I’ll try and tell you the whole story..
We were sort of bored and started looking at friendster.com, and all the people we knew who had profiles and all. And, I don’t know, I think when she saw one of us in the class pose in a picture with another person or something, she turns all quiet and all. I try not to disturb that, or in another way, feel in the same way as she does, by trying to comment on it or something. I don’t know if it really sounds fake or something, but I guess it’s the best I could do at that moment. Anyways, it’s like, she wants herself to be in the pictures or something, or just to have better social life. In my opinion, I think she already has a good social life – compared to mine. I’m trying my best to start over and maintain good friendships, and most of all, start new ones, or something. I don’t really feel that with the other people in school, because the main thing, I don’t really speak bahasa Indonesia, and all, but I guess there’s people out there that I can be friends with. I just don’t know where to start or something. I already talked about this, I remember. But still, I want to be the girl who gets random SMSes from friends out of school during school, or just a phone call a week from someone who she just hung out in the mall..aah, you know what I mean? I guess I really want a social friendship life. I’m beginning to think more of friends than I should have been before. It’s all coming back to me in some way. I never really thought strongly as I have now about friendships before.
The bad thing is, it’s like when I start talking to them, I really want to try to stop being self-conscious and creating an awkardish image for myself. I really hate myself for that.
Hmmm, what else? I get awkward chatting with people when she’s around. I don’t know, it’s like in some way, she disapproves or something. It’s really weird, I think she sort of knows it, but then again, I think it’s one of those things that I really am paranoid.
Tommorow I have quite a busy schedule. With the usual friends in class. Hahahah, after the dentist, I’m going to meet Fanny again in Chitos because she wants to meet this random guy who regularly smses and calls her (see?!!!!????). But I have weird doubts that I may not get along with them. Oh and yes, because of the same reason – I don’t speak bahasa Indonesia too well. I think that’s starting to become an issue for me then. Imagine having an issue like that in a place where you basically lived your whole life compared to going to a place and having to learn a new language that you’re not too fond of, sort of, and all. It scares me.
Anyways, I’m going to meet them with her and all, but I have weird damn doubts. It’s freaky, I hope she doesn’t ditch me for them. I am also secretly hoping that one of his friends (yup, he’s apparently inviting his friends or something) can speak English fluently or something. After that, I’m going to Christy’s house and then we’re going to this pre-Valentine’s party thing. I hope it’s going to pretty awesome – we meet new people and friends and all that. After that, I’m sleeping over in her house and yeahhh…
I am secretly hoping that she doesn’t get bored of me or something. I hate that. someone getting bored because of me. Argghh. One of my worst enemies. That and rejection. That and financial problems. Speaking of that, I got a letter in Thursday regarding the outstanding debt from school. They say that we must pay by Monday or else they would have to take strict measures or something. Arggh, I hope it goes out soon. I hope that those darn clients would pay beforehand. I don’t want to skip school. I really don’t. I hope not. I wish not. I pray not. Why do I have a funny little feeling that it’s not going to work out in enough time, but then, everything will be alright? Arrggh. Let’s just fix this quickly but surely at the same time, and get a move on. I don’t want to carry this burden around, which seems to get heavier and heavier as the day goes by, I try to ignore it or put it back in my mind, it comes back to me times three. The impact is much more harsher in some way, you know? Just writing this relives this failure. I don’t consider it a failure (damn, my hands hurt from typing. It’s getting sort of cramped which is really starting to irritate me in some way) but still, it goes on, haunting me and all. It’s really starting to get on my nerves. Same goes to my mom with cancer. I think I know what’s going to be the impact – it’s going to be the hardest impact ever on me. I don’t know why I feel this, but I think I should say it for some reason. I think I’m going to get it.
At school, I got mad at someone for such a stupid reason. I hate getting mad for stupid reasons. It makes me feel stupid later on. I hate that. It’s my number one enemy as well. Just stupidly embarrassing myself – and letting people to talk about me or something. Either that or it’s just all in my brain. Stupid me sometimes.
I have deadlines. As treasurer of the high school student council it is my duty to create posters for the upcoming Valentines dance and the tickets as well. I already finished the design for the poster and all I gotta do is print them out. I was going to before school ended, but then the printer didn’t work for some reason. I hope it works at Monday! I also gotta do the tickets. Arggh. I don’t know how I am, but I will, somehow. After all, I want to make a good impression towards the other high school people and all. It’s my duty.
Valentines Dance. Okay, I’m just going to write one more thought for today before I finish. Ooh and Pete Wentz is a total fox. I just gotta say that once again. He’s such a babe. It’s a shame FOB didn’t win the Grammys last night. It’s such a shame I didn’t even watch it! Stupid me. Oooh, and I saw in their official website that they’re looking for extras for their new video. ARGGGHHH! It totally definitely sucks (seriously, words can’t express how it sucks) that I can’t be a part of it. L seriously, is there any chance that I can meet them some way?
Anyway, Valentines Day. I’m taking my bestie. I don’t reckon anyone is going to ask me, cause our school is pathetic at love relationships, in my opinion. It really is.
I think something at the past might be blossoming once again in people’s minds. During science, the guy I went to the 7th grade prom (and broke my heart in the 8th) sat next me at the lab. The girls besides my best friend who was sitting next to me, was sitting across from us. And then they starting noticing that we sat next to each other and all, and they were all like, “You’re soooooooo cute!” and they start smiling and going all over it. I can’t help but smile and blush at the attention and all, but seriously, will I ever start having feelings for him again. I guess I like the feeling of my friends sort of teasing me regarding a boy (yup, I just admitted that) and all, but after you strip it all away, I don’t have any special feelings for him other than just a friend. He’s a pretty good friend. But other than that… I don’t think so. He broke my heart *sobs* before. That sort of ruined it. Hahahaha
I kept my promise (sort of)
Kings of Convenience…here I come!
I heart Pete Wentz >>> I sort of don’t like sharing you with other people, but I guess I can handle it….
I heart Pete Wentz >>>> he’s a total fox – inside his heart and outside as well. Gosh he’s sexy.

Lonely Day..

It’s such a shame that there are actually people out there that really say harsh things and all towards other people. It’s not called bullying *well, it is, sortof*, but it’s some sort of harsh teasing. And feeling left out. I hate feeling like that. Yet everyday, some days sort of better than the others, I feel even more lonelier than the past one. It’s sort of hard to explain. I think I need more friends. But the thing is, I think I’m one of those people who manage to maintain seriously close friendships with a few people than make friends really really easily. I really want to be in the middle of it, have tons of friends, yet I can talk to them real easily and all. I won’t give off an anti-social aura, you know what I mean? I’m starting to think about that.
The more I feel like that in this school, the more I’m thinking and considering of moving to another school, in the Philippines. My biggest fear is not fitting in there – my main language is English, them is probably Tagalog. It’s hard to communicate and all. I am starting to wonder whether if moving to an international school in Philippines will be good? Will I be able to fit in? My gut feeling tells me so, but then I don’t think I have the money to go there. Life is so complicated right now. I’ve gone over leaps, but then I stumble and fall a lot of times. The more I leap, it feels even more better than the last one, but then the stumbling and the falling hurts just as much. It gets more painful and stronger whilst it gets more success and happiness at the same time.
Soccer tournament. We didn’t go in, but we did quite well in the last game, 6-1. The team that were being sort of bad sports, well actually, just some of them, I guess. But they started to play really rough, it was pretty brutal for some of us. Some of us got pinched (yes, girls playing it rough can get so brutal, pinching is always involved) and some of us got named bad stuff and laughed a little bit. It’s pretty weird.
It sucks being a teenager sometimes. If I ever got a chance to go back being one, I would never be one. One stumble is much too painful for another one again.
This hand behind this keyboard relives a failure everyday. >>> the best sentence in the world, in my opinion.
I think I’m becoming sort of materialistic. I don’t exactly know what it means, but I think it sort of means thinking of materials or possessions a lot. I mean, it’s another complicated thing that’s dancing around my head for quite some time. It’s like, I think my friends consider me as the person who has the DVDs, movies, music, or whatever. They don’t really mind that much regarding my feelings or something. There may be quite a chance I might be strongly misundserstood or whatever. Maybe my mind’s been playing tricks on me. I hate it when that happens.
Random thoughts for today >>>
· I can’t believe this guy in my class punched another guy. It was during P.E, and I don’t know, it was a small incident that led to a big one. OMG, it was really weird. The guy that punched had blood all over his place. I’m dead serious. Like it was dripping on his face, his hands, his shoes, it was damn scary. I still can’t believe it happened. That guy seriously has some weird issues. It’s weird, you know. I mean, for instance, people always have different perspectives on other people, and that one thing distinguishes the actions we act towards them. I mean, people bully other people because they think they’re ‘weak’, or they don’t fit into their ‘standards’. It’s like a huge circle, and the people who are in are in, and the people who are out, they get treated with disrespect. I gotta admit, I admired the guy who got punched. He was regularly teased for being, ‘feminine’. But the other girls and me realize how nice he was. I guess he was too nice for the guys. Yes, he has faults, I won’t mention them here, but who else doesn’t? I guess because of his physical appearances, he gets judged instantly without knowing his personality. It’s sort of ironic, right after that, the guy who punched him, when he came back at the class, he tried being all normal. I guess you can say it was pretty damn awkward. And then, after school, he starts talking to the guy who he punched normally. Seriously, I think that was the first real talk they ever had. I think they were talking about planes or something. But it’s quite happy and sad at the same time. You know why? It was because they realized they had something they could talk about it, but that thing itself took someone to get punched happen. You know what I mean? I personally hope it gets better soon. But that doesn’t mean it’s going to be stopped.
· Whoa, I can’t believe I just wrote that. It’s one of the ‘personal thoughts leaking out of my mind’ articles. I’m seriously thinking of sending it to myjellybean.com anonymously, to test whether it’s really something that people may be able to read.
· Another random thought(s)
· I’m not upset anymore, but still, it would be better if she could apologize sincerely. It may happen, it may not.
· I’m in charge of designing the ticket and poster for the Valentine’s Dance we’re having next week. I hope I can do it well.
· While there are bad things in life, it doesn’t mean that you should shut out the good things as well J
· I think I’m spending too much time on the internet. Oh yeah, that encounter with my dad at Sunday. It was really harsh. I remember thinking, “I’m DEAD SERIOUS, I will beat him. I will get a better life than him. I’m going to work my hardest and have a way better life than him. How could he do this to me?” I know it seems dead harsh, I kept on thinking that I’m not going to change my mind. But it’s true, time cleanses. I’m not mad at him anymore, and I’m beginning to try to understand. I’m still going to stop doing all the useless use of internet, but I would still download songs from time to time. I’ll just have to stop using it everyday, I guess. I need to find other things to fulfill my boredom after school. Things to do >>>> read books, listen to music, write in my journal, talk to friends (oh yeah, the phone conversations I’ve had had decreased dramatically), weep and wallow, draw, clean, and watch stuff.
· One last thing. Funny thing. I heard my dad talking to my mom last night, and he said something about getting a job offer in Saudi Arabia, and from what I can conclude, maybe it paid way better than his company is currently getting now, and the guy who maybe had offered him asked his CV and all, but then, he started saying something like, “well, it’s not worth it, is it?” and “suddenly, money doesn’t seem so important anymore” That was the most awesomest thing my dad ever said yet.
I can’t but I need to share Pete Wentz with other people. Hahahahah. I wonder, is there a guy out there that’s almost exactly like him? I want him! I need him!

Wordplay..

Apologies for not posting a new entry >>> let’s just say I had my butt kicked to the ground, and one of the consequences is less internet time, I’ll tell you about it next time. Yeah, I’m definitely am going to use less internet time from now on, and I’m going to stick with it. That means less time downloading songs (my dad, yeah, he has a huge part of it, got pissed with me for downloading too much songs, therefore making the computer sort of slow. I don’t get it, isn’t computers supposed to do??? Ahh, I don’t know, I guess we all have our limits.
Do you ever get the feeling when you look back at something you have done before, you wished you would have done it in a different way? It’s something like seeing a picture you click the ‘submit’ button for a few days or weeks ago, and then now, it’s like, ‘Dude, I look so weird there. Why did I ever put it in the first place?’
My head hurts. Oh yeah, we had a soccer tournament. Here’s a thing for ya >>>> we won 6-1, but we’re officially out of the tournament. Why? Because we lost and tied another game(s). I want to talk more about this later on.
Everybody’s changing. It’s like one circular motion.
I can’t think clearly right now. I guess I better hit the sheets.
“The only thing comforting is beneath your cool sheets” *sighs* Guess who said that?
Clearly declining/increasing/hiding/daydream feelings for my perfect guy. *sighs*…it’s just out of reach, is it?
Infatuated.
Confused yet understandable about life itself.
Happy yet questioning about my life.
Hmm, I guess ‘yet’ is my favorite word.
Here’s one last thought >>> Ever felt that feeling where you have an album/music//hot guy/tv show/book/ or whatever that you first saw and totally loved? Of course when you love something, you gotta show it to your friends to let them know how cool and awesome it is. It’s this natural, yet, weird friendship instinct I have. I wonder if anyone else has this too, but then, when you stumble upon them saying whether in words or by mouth, they totally love the thing that you’re loving, it feels…less special, you know? I wish that I had kept it all to myself, but then, how could you let people know how awesome your taste/personality is? Arggh, it’s one of my weird feelings at the back of my hand, but when it already happens, you just go to deal with it yourself. Accept it. Embrace it. Fudge it. Oooh, but one thing that I really despise is when they go around, saying, “Have you heard of this? It’s totally awesome….” It goes on and on. Well, that’s not the point that I’m trying to prove, but it’s like, they act how awesome and all that…it’s pretty hard to explain, like I said, my head’s clearly not on the Brightside this moment.

Running Out Of Time...

Brothers and sisters.
I’m going to keep this one short. I’m supposed to do my homework right now. I’ve started alright today, I studied quite more often than the last few days, but then, after hearing ‘Bat Country’, I started all that *imaginary superstar* phase again. Arggh, it’s pretty weird, but then, it’s a great way to…I don’t know, escape from the bitterness of reality. *sighs*, if I’m totally up to it, I’m definitely going to ask my dad for guitar lessons.
Arggh, I’m supposed to continue do homework. I don’t think I’m finished studying math, and I’m sort of doing Bahasa Indo at the moment, but I can’t really fully concentrate, or that I just can’t do it – it’s my worst subject. What else? I need to find the thesis statement for English – which I’m totally confused on, and I need to start the introduction for SOSE, and get pictures of Botany Bay..what else?? I need to rewrite the table for Science, because the one I did in school was messy. Whewsh, it’s going to be pretty hectic, but I got a good feeling I can cope with it. It just seems that, I can’t really do anything, or in other words, I can’t frickin fully concentrate in school, I have no idea why. I just think to myself, “Ah! Just do it at home!”. Looking forward to change that.
Looking forward for more acquaintance…just don’t know when..hope it’ll be soon!
WTF is wrong with the radio right now? It used to play such awesome alternative songs, now it’s totally gay!
I still can’t believe I bought a Gin Blossoms CD. Right now, I’m listening to it – I only like ONE song out of 14! It’s not my taste of music, argggh! I’m too scared to return it back....
Right now, Gratitude, The Libertines (I must say, totally fudging indie!), and Avenged Sevenfold is hot right now.
I must go back to doing my homework right now. I like working under pressure
Happiness is not getting what you want but wanting what you get.
Words of wisdom from my English teacher >>>> ode to him!
Angelica.
Btw >>>> I’m suffering from a stupid cold now. I keep on coughing. It sucks donkey balls.
I’m admit I was totally in a bad mood yesterday. Arggh.