Love Will Come Through..

i confess, i messed up.
all those feelings. yup, think it's still there . almost definitely fo sure. i felt it today. can't stop looking at you. but you don't notice.
wtf? i hate my stupid SLOW computer.it's like i'm writing something..well just say tapping on the keyboard..and then it takes like what 15 seconds or maybe 15 mintues to show it in the comuter screen..it's just slow slow. it's driving me fckin nuts.
** mega huge plans for tommroow. benefits for some people.doesn't benefit for other people. the most that i'm worrying about it probably my dad. i hope he doesn't take it too seriously. i just want to spend tyme with my friends. its not like i don't want to NOT spend tyme with him or something. it's just that...i don' t know. i still love him. but yet it feels weird, maybe from the basis that i think he's going to tell my mom, and my mom's going to tell me that family is important and that i shouldn't hangout with my friends too often or something. and i feel guilty and disappointed at many angles. and it's all during the current mid-crisis situation that she's currently facing.
** i really hope she can pass the fiveyear situation. i'm pleading with all my hopes. i hope God can help her.
so sick so sick of tied and also tired of being safe..you know how i do..so obviously desperate..so desperately obvious..i love that song from TBS..
i miss my mom so fckin much.
yeahh. i couldnt stop looking at you today. but yeah, you didn't notice. i know you still like her. or the other. or the other. i guess i'm not good enough for you. or, you would like me, but never truly truly like me. maybe better as a friend...never a girlfriend..oh well. i could live with that. like it hurts that much anyways.
i'm spitting out lucky smoke friends. on the high on the high of discovering my true friends. the ones i feel most comfortable with. who accepts me who i am. i know that i have to accept that they will treat me differently depending on who they are. their just human beings. i am too. i might treat indifferently from the way i should be treating them.
i just gotta accept that.
sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs. guilty pleasure.
i want happiness. realizing that you don't really need a guy to make you truly happy **yet everyone else thinks so** is one of the most liberating things.
i guess.
there are more things in life than sulking your self about not being able to get a guyy.

You Thought Wrong

swooonnn..
one of the 'better days, i'm loving life right now' days just came on monday. it was pretty awesome.
i should sort of hurryyy, i want this to be private.
oh, and btw, i'm thinking of getting a more, creative blog other than 'sympathy in the form of you'..but don't worry. this will be a PRIVATE blog. no one else that i know will know about this, and that's what will make it special. forever. almost.
what happened in monday.
imagine sitting next to the guy that the so-called popular girl liked. making her feel jealous *not intentionallly* and getting the guy that likes you jealous as well. aside from the multiple evil stares i got from her, *didn't see her eye 2 eye* what the heck is she thinking? he's not yours...don't worry, i'm not into him. a close friend is into that already. oh well. where was i? oh yeah, the guy gave him and probably me multiple middle fingers. hehehehe. jealousy.
** what else? ooh, the basketball game. even though we lost, we played pretty good. ooh, i scored a basket!!
it sorta seems that i'm happy for little reasons. ahh, don't care. i guess.
i finally got to borrow sex, drugs and cocoa puffs from my bestie. ooh, and she gave me really cute undies. speaking of undies, i bought a really fcking cute bra set and several undies..including a thong!
i'm going to start wear thongs now..not always tho..
cya later.
i'm going off.
i'll blogg later.

Peace of Mind..

do you lyke her? do u lyke me? why dont you show it? dont u lyke anyone?
i wouldnt have liked you if there was someone else better x)
** argh, my mind is so confusing. i caught myself staring at you a number of times. and you know what i do? i jst say, 'fu** it'. and continue on.
but is it the right thing? am i going to get hurt again from you?
i don't know. i'll just leave it up to you.
im not making the first move again.
** if you do, why cant i let it show it at the same tyme??**
omg..this is so fcked up. fck it. let's just be friends and continue our separate ways and avoid these circles we've been going around and around, on and off again. its driving me fckin crazy.
O.M.F.G
i jst saw something that i shouldnt see. im not guilty for seeing it - i knew i would be for not seeing it. my so-called life current philosophy on this is,
'its not common for ur absolute rockstar crush to take naked pictures of himself. if he did, then get the ultimate chance to see it.'
** if ur love for him was true, you wouldnt use what you just saw in ur dirty dreams.
i feel such a teenybopper philosophical wannabe. *officially* (argggh) the worst feeling in the world. okay, enough being sad(istic)
yup, i saw the pictures. im curious. is that considered big?
**its absolutely very confusing why someone would want to take naked pictures of themselves. the first one was a shot of his very exposed hot hunkish face. the second one was his pants very low that his underwear/sexy boxers are showing. the restof the pics are his main attraction.
screw it. there are plenty of other people out there whose done much worse.
**i'll keep it in my box of dirty little secrets in my currently pretty dull but sorta grateful life**
he makes mistakes. deal wit it.
alrite, i'll stop talking now.
i'll be making a better (probably) blog entry tommorow.
toodles.
ifeel

The Mixed Tape..

*sighs*
in long: apologies. i made a great poem (sortof) telling all about the mixed feelings currently circulating around this poor girl's head.
i don't think telling anyone about this may be a good idea. it provokes action that may lead to regretful consequences later on. had been on that road various of times. don't want to take it again. that'll make me useless >>> making a mistake, realizing it, and not doing it again for the second time.
in short:
hopeless romantic.
am i in love with the feeling of being in love?
lost.confused.mixed feelings.so.overcoming.
trying to not think about him to make him think about it more. reverse psychologies.
not going on that high road again.
it seems what i have is not what i want. desperately hard to change that.
must accept the fact that we will always be divided.
must accept the fact that life here is just temporary.
music is divine. its made me closer to this person. closer than the mind would like to think. youknowhatimean?
is that a good thing or a bad thing?
i'll leave it up to him. im not doing anything.
thats final.
friends..more than friends?
im good with or without you.
haha. this feelings made me relate to more songs.
hallelujah.
love that song.

To Hell With Good Intentions..

Hey..
Hows life?! It’s pretty sweet at the moment. Suprisingly. I know its only temporary, there’s a string of bad days and scenarios that are waiting to knock on my door. I can’t say I’m prepared for them or something, it’s just that I know that they will come sooner or later.
My dad bought me a new DVD player. Because of that, I’m trying pretty hard not to be so materialistic, because that only gives you temporary satisfaction. In my imaginary list, the things that can make your confidence running up high may be:
GEEK-MODE SETUP >>> hahaha, don’t mind that, I feel ‘geeky’ making a list. Lolz.
Doing your homework and studying. Feeling good about it.
Exercising! Knowing that you’re doing something that makes your body healthy gives you endorphins.
Eating healthy food & bad yummy food as well. Hahaha, its true. Eating a pint of chocolate icecreamm…while eating good fresh milk….eating an apple, orange and pear…what else?? Ooh, eating those awesome 10000 calorie per bite fudge brownies!!!
Hanging out with your friends!

Ok, I’ll stop the list now.
** sighs ** all my dreams of being with you have vanished. It made realize I should continue on my life without you babe. I definitely wish all the best for you and your future. Good luck sweetheart. You say that I don’t know you at all, but.. it feels flat-out straight that I understand you. Yep, I understand you. I don’t know how to explain it in words, although I wish I do, but I do.
** more coming later **
asterisks and ^^^^ never looked so cute.
Hold out for the storm to come. Keep tight. Hold to my hand while it comes to an end.
*sighs* I wish I could write like you babe.
I wish I could be like you.
I wish I could be WITH you. That would be the day.
You seem like a normal human being. Smelly socks and probably bad odor and curses a lot but its what’s inside that matters.
Okay I’m going to stop writing like this. It seems like the things I want to say doesn’t want me to say it. or maybe it ain’t the right time yet. Sometimes I feel it, sometimes I don’t.
*sighs* my heart will always have a thing for you babe.
Waves of desperation coming to drench me with reasons and reality.
Okay, that sounded odd.
I want to be original.
I heart u babe. No one knows how much I feel for u, it’s almost hopeless. It feels alright and not alright at the same time.
I’ll let time take care of it.
Oh, I want more friends.

Nothin's Comin..

swoonss. another post from my hero forever.
or at least this day. this week. this month. this year.
i can promise you that.
or i can get bored and run off with some other inspiration.
there will be always other inspirations but not as *inspiring* as him.
yes, i can have dreams with him.
dontcha think it's weird that people say 'im only human' when they're caught doing something bad?
loads of respect goes to this guy. loadsa.
here's for the love.
danggit. absentminds take over. again. its all a huge mistake.
its like reading his thoughts make me want to come over him and hug him. tell him its alright. he'll make it through. he's a true human being. i heart true human beings.
im saying the same thing over and over again.
happy good friday. its been alright. i should have paid more attention though. seriously.
** i want a guy that doesn't want the ideal*fine-ass* body, that everyone wants**
i want a guy that can express to me his true feelings. in words.
i want a guy thats going through what i am going through. self-identity crisis.
when is he coming??
*sighs* all the airwaves are seeping in and pushing us so far away that its unbearable to hold. what shall we do? keep on floating.
keep the self-confidence and high spirits high before we touch the floor.
remember that earth is just a temporary residence. theres going to be another better place for eternity.
i only want sympathy in the form of you. crawling into bed with me.
i want pete crawling into bed with me x) yummz!
my stomach is so fudgin pudgy. u can fit all the used chewing gum here and still have space for candy corn. *sighs*
i want a guy. my hearts screaming **pete!** but my minds whispering **someone like him** BUT WHO?????????????????????????????????????????
just watched rumor has it starring jennifer aniston. its pretty good. i really thought it was a real story, but then i found out it was just a fictional story. that movie made me want to watch the graduate so very much. argh. think about it. the same guy that your grandmother, mother and yourself did it with?
now thats a sick thought.
has it ever occured to you that you want to lose all grounds of reality and be a totally different yet same person in a different position than you are right now? you want a different, more *better* you and you want the whole world to know it. but then it all goes away *for me* and i realize its better writing this blog and watching more movies and being myself >> all the things that makes me feel happy >> than doing things that make other people want to think a whole new perspective of fantasyy. sometimes its better to sing with a comb alone than to sing with a microphone uncertain, selfconscious of what u are. its going to mess up. but i give my regards to those who can be themselves onstage. kudos!
hope everything turns out fine tommorow. i can get a DVD player that works and most of all, my dad will not change any of the plans. and i hope he wont mind a friend coming along.

lessons learned (partly)
* dont ever talk to strangers. ever. even when you feel uncomfortable. after a very very traumatic experience (including almost a mere invasion of privacy) im going to spend most of *nexttimes* full of fear and pretend hatrid.
lets play pretend and to make things in life completely more easier.
trust yourself. i know i do.
xoxoxoxoxoxx
good day today.

A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me..

I’ve seen Fall Out Boy’s new video – “A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me’. It was one of the most awesome music videos ever. OMG, Pete looks so hot when he’s a vampire. FUCK, he’s so hOt xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxxoxoxoxoxo
No offense, I could go on and on and on and on about how fucking hot he is. He’s so unbelievably hot during that video, so fucking hot. OMG, he’s just so fucking hot that I can’t stop saying the word ‘fuck’ and ‘hot’ to describe him. OMFG, I’m becoming a fucking teeniewannabe.
You call yourself hunterss?
FUCK..every word he says is so fucking hot. His hair is hot. His eyes are hot. His fucking sweet lips are hot. His smile is so fucking hot. His body is hot. His tattoos are hot.. everything is so hot about him. I mean everything! He’s so gorgeous…everything..i mean everything…I love him acting..i love him fighting off bad vampires…I love him I love him I love him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SWEET..HOT..HOT..HOT..HOT..HOT..GORGEOUS..SEXXXYYYYYYYYY
Peter Kingston Lewis Wentz…*SIGHS*..Angelica Lynn Alexandra Wentz…Mrs..Wentz..Mrs. Wentz..definitely has a good ring to it!
Okay, I’ll stop being such a head.over.heels bitch.
Sorry for the cussing. Won’t ever f)c)uss again.
Angelica wentz x)
One of the spur-of-the-moment feelings. Don’t worry, it’ll be back to normal tomorrow, I think.
Made in pete’s world..omg, its so fucking corny..
No one seems to care what I have to say
Made in april 11th 2006 Tuesday..
Survivor night!

Good People..

i can't believe this.
i just spent most of this day watching the whole third season of 24. i'm not quite finihsed yet - a couple more discs to go. and i'm loving every minute of it. there are times where i don't really pay attention - either pretending in my head that i'm a CTU officer (hahahahha, that sounded so weird) or just thinking about my life problems, not exactly worrying, just a few seconds or so for a grasp of reality. 24 is tryly an awesome show - it's so unique on its kind. i like nearly all characters of the show, but the best one out of it is, you know who, the leading man, jack bauer!!!
it's a highly intelligent (damn, it makes me feel intelligent for watching it in the first place!) fast-pased action!!!!!
im going to stop talking about this show before i embaress myself even further.
i'm currently reading what this dude has to say about 24, his 'findings' are very detailed, i mean VERY DETAILED! idon't know, i think he has some signs of a very scrutinized, 24 addict. still, i enjoy reading his findings and opinions. he has opinions and EVERY DETAIL for EVERY SINGLE ep, and not only that, but he has top 24 lines, worst moments, etc, etc. and it's not those websites where a group of people had build, i'm pretty sure it's a one-man website. i gotta admit, it's pretty impressive, but it also shows that he doesn't have anything better else to do then to observe every single detail on his favorite show.
hmm, i think i can get along with this guy.
alrite, i gotta go.
back to reality. more research for everyday chemical reactions. guarenteed to make me worry for upcoming presentations. *gassp*
my stomach is hating me right now - as always.

Staple it Together...

Arggh. I hate it when I read my own writing sometimes, and I absolutely despise it. It sounds dull, odd whenever I read my own writing. I hate it. There are a few where it’s alright, but there are times where it’s absolutely hated. Seriously, it seems both fake and very obnoxious. These past few days, I’ve been trying to read some of my past entries in my blogs, but I find myself skipping to read most of the blog entries. It’s weird – I’m not sure whether I don’t want to read them because it holds the real truth, like I’m denying it or something. I don’t know, maybe it’s something like that. Like I don’t want to accept the way that my life that it is. But right now, I really think I accept what has happened, both good times and bad times.
Maybe it’s the way I express it. I hate the way that I keep complaining about the littlest things or whatever. Maybe it’s the current situation. I don’t know. Maybe in the future, I’ll let this go and slowly accept my way of writing. I’ll leave it up till then. I’m currently having a stomachache and the chair I’m sitting on is giving me a backache.
I want DSL ASAP so I can run and update myspace profile. Sitting, waiting, wishing…
I don’t feel like myself right now. I don’t know why.
Apologies for the crap-tasticular entry.
Hooray! For green tea >>>> making me flush out my so-called toxins and letting it go out every ten minutes or so. Soy milk is another alternative as well.
>>> I recently took a pill for speeding my metabolism and all. Do you think it’s working?? I hope it’ll take all the unneeded residue that had taken residence in my ass and stomach.
>>> hope things work out. I said this over a million things, but (don’t feel like explaining things right now) I just hope that my friends can understand, my dad can leave the trouble that he’s currently facing. I’ve noticed that he lost weight. I don’t know whether I should take this as an alert or something. I don’t want to tell my mom even though she knows more things than I do about what’s happening. Let’s just say that there’s been a lot of blackmailing going on. it’s stressing a couple of people out – the most that the damage will not hurt him too emotionally, especially on the situation we are currently on with my mom and all. I just want it all to stop before it gets TOO serious. Sometimes I think that the person that they’re dealing with might have a mental illness or something, and if it gets out of hand, she’ll like, you know what I mean? That’s what concerns me.
IN the meantime, I’ll do my best to stick to whatever’s my business and not interfere with others when I don’t have to.
Accepting what others have to give it to you should distract you from what they give to others and son on.
heartisipod.till it breaks.

Heart of Glass..

I’m sick and tired of being a trashed out person.
It’s pretty hard to explain, but everytime I want to become a better person, psychically and emotionally, it goes pretty well for awhile, until I destroy it all. I give in. It’s a sign of weakness. And because of that, I absolutely despise myself afterwards. A moment’s pleasure for a lifetime of hatrid. A residue that leaves me bitter and guilt. I am hoping that writing it can identify myself and try to make it all back. I know I may not be clear in what I’m trying to say.
** someone who’s not so self-conscious that she secretly checks herself in the mirror whenever no one’s looking.
** someone who does not give in to the selfish demons that seem to overpower me the more I try to fight them back.
** someone who’s not afraid to accept who is she is, even though she’s not the smartest, richest, prettiest, most popular or whatever. Always thought that I got this covered but then I realize that I actually do care.
** someone who takes care of their friends – both equally and with passion.
** someone who’s not afraid to accept her flaws and easily throw away her insecurities on herself and others.
** someone who can always count on herself when the going gets rough.
** someone who can make friends the same time she can click her fingers.
** someone who has full trust on herself and God, who can express her catholic faith despite of the vast differences in her environment.
** I just gave you my biggest (currently) confession.

From time to time, I’ve been thinking about my future. I know I have a pretty clear idea of what I can hope in the future (it’s pretty similar to everyone, they want to be successful, rich, etc) but the main thing that I can always keep either whether I’m in 25 or 55, is that I can be truly happy. I don’t want to be happy because of fame or fortune or whatever, I just want to be happy with the people around me, and the person that I become. Whether I’m a struggling writer, a famous novelist, or a magazine editor I want to happy how I got there. Successful may be the word here, I guess. Call me crazy but, I think I may get the disease that’s been going on my family for quite a while now in the future. And it’s going to dominate my life from that moment on. It’s going to give me a huge perspective on life that I can never imagine before. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. All I can hope for now is that whenever that day comes, I want to go back to this blog and remember the time where I felt I almost wanted to deal with this.
I know they’re my friends, but why do I feel that I want to stay home whenever they ask me to come and hang out with them. It’s a probability because of my parents. Apparently, my dad is sort of complaining that I don’t wash the dishes and all that, and that I always hangout with my friends, maybe a little too much, and my mom just spilled that out to me. I can’t help but feel a little trapped. I know her situation but it still leaves me a distaste when she said I can’t do that when she comes home. Like I have to stay home all the time. I feel trapped. One of the classic symptoms of a becoming angst teen.
My world becomes your world once I hear anything that has your name on it.
Best self-quote yet. I can’t believe I just made that.
100% true.
All those dreams are almost for nothing. I’m so looking forward to watch A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch me and watch you act as a hot vampire. Never thought of a vampire making me drool. Still, I can’t wait. I’ll be happy for a moment, then I’ll be lonely in the next because I can’t get next you.
Forget it, I almost made half of my entries crying over you.
I can’t forget you anymore. I need to though.
Still fawning over the quote I made for you.
Still the fact that you don’t have anyone at the moment is still making me happy. Ha, talking about a person like me having a chance with someone like you.
I will thank God later for giving me your constant presence which rocked my world. Thank you.
My dreams with you will slowly fade away. But I would always remember the feelings I have pressed on these keys everytime I find a time to read them once again. It will stay a secret, no one needs to know.
A heartbreaker with a heart of gold.
Must go back to my life. Thank goodness 24 can spare me minutes of much needed relief.
Thank you again.
It all comes again with a single click.
**lovefool** >>> a song so desperate yet so understandable.

Summer Skin...

It’s the time where the disappointments set in. It’s been a weird day so far. I’m all by myself, listening to my ipod while writing this. It’s supposed to fun, being myself and all, but all these disappointments are showing in my doorstep. First of all, my whole apartment’s a mess. I don’t want to go into details like before, and then, two things that really sucked @ss, but manageable, you know? First, I have those stupid flu/allergy thing that comes and goes as the clock ticks by. It’s really annoying, my eyes get really itchy and I can’t stop sneezing my head off while sniffing so loud that my nose is starting to hurt. It’s really moments that aggravates my body. I’ve drunk coffee (aahh, sweet coffee) and taken a Panadol (which gave me surges of comfort, both bad ways and comforting ways) and listening to music, which all gave me temporary relief. I don’t know, lately, I’ve been thinking of doing “stuff” that I don’t think I’m supposed to do. The most thoughts that I’ve been thinking will never occur to me in a while, I guess, I’m almost sure that it’s just hormones happening to me.
Other things are the following;
Trying smoking again. I’ve taken a couple of tries, but I was so scared for some reason, that I just put the smoke in my mouth, and exhale it, without tasting it whatsoever. Myabe I’m just curious or whatever, but the curiousness is beginning to become so big that I end up pretending to smoke something, you know what I mean? I blame myself. I blame my best friend. I blame the media. I blame everyone who smokes.
Drinking once again. I don’t look forward on being hooked, but just having fun once again. I want to get tipsy again. Not fully drunk whatsoever, but I’m curious once again.
What else, yeah? Oh yeah, the other thing that sort of ruined this day. I was watching 24 and then all of a sudden, the *bleeping* DVD doesn’t work! I have no idea why, but arggghh! It’s so aggravating! I’m so sick of having all my DVDs not work both my ancient DVD player and my PS2 as well, that I’ve decided to ask my dad if we can trade it for another better DVD player and most of all, start taking care of my DVDs. I will refuse to just leave them around. I’m writing this (even though it makes me sound like a psycho or whatever) is just to refuse myself to procrastinate whatsoever.
I’m going to stop procrastination. Against myself, that is. I’m going to stop dreaming about these things that’s been drifting in my head for quite some time now. Things that in reality, may not happen. I’m going start focusing on the things that I want to succeed by myself. Things, big things and little things that will satisfy myself. Make me a better person. But I don’t want to be self-indulged, you know? Have time to make more friends and be a better friend to them as well. I’m going to start making a myself a list. I’ll let you know my journey of ‘being a better me’. Gosh, this makes me feel such a dork. Well, if I feel happy about it, then who cares? I’ll use the time I have from this one week break which is so much needed for me – both personally and academically. I don’t know if academic is the right word, but oh well…
It’ll give me time to reflect on my own actions, take the consequences, take new measures, reconnect with people around me, have some time by myself, just to refresh my mind and all that. I just want to be a more positive person – and not compare myself to the ones around me, because I know that will affect it in major ways. That’s one of the things that I hate about my behaviour – comparing my own things with other people. That’s one of the downright ways of decreasing my self-esteem and confidence as well. Another thing is that I hope I won’t be too self-confident as well. I got to accept the things that come into way, both good things and bad as well. I also want to take time for my faith in God. More seriously, this time.
Much love.
I’m in love with the 80s. Don’t You Forget About Me *** awesome classic from this unique era!!*** I heart breakfast club.