For Fiona..

Everything has changed.
Nothing is the same.
Let it all crash down.
Rock my world. Eternally.
Yet, sometimes I see silence in your eyes.
Sometimes I wonder where my intellectualityhas been. And creativeness. But now I've seen it.
I'm so addicted to this song >>> No Use For A Name 'For Fiona'
it's my life anthem at the moment. wonder which one's next?
lyfe's been doing fine. sometimes i wish i could get a new haircut, maybe curl my hair? i swear, i'm so bored with my straight hair, my bangs, and whatnot. it makes me feel, plain. PLAIN JANE.
right now, i'm trying not to think about boys right now. i already masked myself and made a ridiculous mirror image to impress others - it's totally ridiculous.
right now, all i wanna do is eat chocolate, and watch one tree hill, and do my homework. not think about friends or boys. arggh.
so..is this how high school memories are supposed to feel lyke???

I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend..

that song is pretty awesome from the Ramones. Well, haven't heard the original one but I heard it in the Ramones tribute. im also currently in love with youth group 'forever young' - just this afternoon during another boring school day, the line, 'do you really want to live forever, forever young?' just hit me in the back. i had that sort of moment, not like an emancipation moment, but the sort of moment where, you realize what you are right now. i mean, your actually a teenager, but you're not going to be a teenager later. what really sort of left me with a scar was that..i think i'm going to miss being in school, laughing, reading teen magazines, overcoming that ridiculous fear of talking to the guys i lyke, and you know, all that teenagery things. it may not be the best explanation but the feeling i felt was pretty much undescribable. u just gotta go inside my mind for that.
i can't stand to think what life would be like without GK - apart from the tim comsuming practices, it's a really great bonding session. yet i think fears are going to be left unanswered at the end. personal fears. lyke i said, it was supposed to be a great bonding session, but why do i feel...im still in the outside? lyke i don't belong.im supposed 2 be that confident gal..but it just doesn't feel right..
2 more days..just 2 more dayys..then it's..gone. its very unbearable, and the pain of what my life will be like at school..boring..and just not the same anymore..CLEARLY. im wayyy more quiet now. which is the total opposite direction in which i want 2 get going..and let me tell you...its pretty hard. yet i still want to be forever young.

The Secret's in the Telling..

im not at home. im at my dad's office, and all i can say is,
wow its pretty small.
have dance practice in an hour. im not looking forward to anything except to dance and hope that this year's show will be just grand. not hoping that whoever is looking at me. i don't want to be those type of girl. what's worse, i don't want to become one of them, because i know that deep down inside that i really don't think that i have what it takes. i don't have those looks where everyone just stops and stares. i don't have that drop dead gorgeous aura that i used to think i have. i rather have a gorgeous personality then gorgeous looks. and because of that, i'll focus on the personality then. it's such a shame that guys nowadays look for the looks instead of the personality.
hmmph, i think i talked about this before.
continuing. yeah, i guess it makes me some sort of hypocrite if i crash that sort of thoughts because, i think i do that sometimes. but the eye i'm eyeing at, he has the heart, which is probably the most important thing in which we are supposed to be looking for.

i promise myself that i won't distract myself into him
i promise myself that that i fully acknowledge that something will not happen
i promise myself that i won't cry over him
i promise myself that i would talk to him..if he talked to me first..
i promise myself that it won't be taken seriously..
i promise myself that I would God first in the dances..aside from all the hoping of being invited from the others and making friends..which backfires at the end and leaves me feeling empty..that the only reason i'm there is to help the POOR & serve God.
i promise myself that the comparisons will cease..in time.
so long, so long..

i'll sit here and listen to my music. dashboard confessional's 'so long, so long' and wait for better days.
sitting, waiting, wishing instead of walking, doing, and achieving.
give me some time. i'll know i'll prove myself when the time is right. no more procastination.
i'll be ready. you just wait.
i'm sorry for doing the same mistakes again. that's the one thing that i can't promise anymore. i can't count on myself for doing the same mistakes once again. i guess you can call that my weakness.

Pretty Vacant..

what am i doing?
sucking on a pen's thumb..literally. hahaha, i'm just doing nothing really. today it pretty much consists of the sweet but guilty-full daydreaming of sweet sweet + beautiful souls. i'm not going to mention anything specific, but IF anything would happen, and not including my imagination, i'll definitely tell you. but so far, imagination stays imagination. explaining here in words just kill it.
hmm, what else? sometimes i wish our imagination would, at one part, come true at least once in our lives. just once. but reality plays a totally different game which we have no choice but to play along.
okay im just going to spill it. it's all about the boy. not too specific but i think i really like him. i got my eye at him these past few days. but still, i don't think he knows that i exist. yeah yeah, those magazines+pop culture+common sense tells me to make the first move. first move i mean at least talking to him. but not that i'm shy, okay, well a part of the reason is that, but i just think we're in two different worlds that managed to brush along in this one event. yeah, pretty much all my instincts is to go and talk to him, but then again, another part wants him to go up and do it first. that part 's pretty big but i can assure you that's all i'm hoping for. just one move, and i'll do the rest. aside frm the asking out part.
i think i'm one of those old-fashioned girls - the guys have to do everything. well not exactly everything but the first move is the most important. i want to let him know that i...like him, but i don't want that, tell everyone and then expect them to tell him sort of thing. i think i had a prety bad experience with that. i remember vividly last week at school my bestie tried to give me 'how-to-get-guys-to-like-you tips'. it wasn't anything serious, but we were cracking up most of the tyme. wait, i think i told you this already, but still...i wouldn't mind doing that, 'catching your eye thing'...i sometimes get that, but i look away once i see it. i mean seriously, in a second and it's missed. what i gotta learn is to keep that eye contact. and lets see what it adds up...

My Blue Heaven..

okayy, it's pretty awesome that people are actually REMEMBER my birthday. heheehehe, that sort of livened up the moment. I might celebrate it, if I haven't told you, I'm thinking of doing a karaoke party but I'm not sure on who to invite and all. Afterwards, we can all go to the mall and just hang out or something.
I hope being 15 isn't as bad as being 14. Okay, from the looks of it, I hope that I can achieve a brand new perspective of MATURITY AND UNDERSTANDING. I'm sick and tired of crying my eyes out alone in the bathroom after practice. Either that or silently in the car. I don't want to make any promises but I would do my best this time. Being 14 was pretty sucky, well, there we're some great moments but...it wasn't the best year. My mom's diagnosis, heartbroken, still single (inside joke lang) and whatnot. I still haven't found my place in the world yet and currently, I'm still finding where do I belong in my own school. There's definitely tricky steps along the way but if I just find a way to accept them, I think I'll be happy. But the thing is, I don't know yet whether I accept it or not, but it's all up in the air.
So far, my 15th birthday is going smoothly. Apart from the fact that my bestie's mom operation just got worse, I cried at school for her. I decided to tell another friend about my mom's diagnosis..which made her cry as well. I trust her, but the thing is, I don't know whether she'll change her behaviour in me. You know what I mean, like more sympathetic and just...different. Really different. I just don't know anymore. I just...DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!
I feel really sorry for my bestie. I mean, I was in her position once, you know, in doubt. It's really damn difficult when your loved ones fall sick. Really hard. I really hope that I could support her in the best way I can..what makes me worry is that whether the situation regarding her broken family would either become better or just become worse..I'm hoping with everything that I can that her life won't get messed up after whatever may happen.
Let it all happen. WiSH ME LUCK.

Stay Out of Trouble..

Why does life have to stink?
I could have smelled it from wayyyy before.Today's gone off with a bad start. I ate a J.CO donut and it already my stomach is starting to swell up.It feels bloated and crappy from all the extra sugar.It's like this, feeling you need to go to the toilet and do NO.2 but your stomach doesn't feel lyke it. Like, it's on hold. I hate that feeling. And then all those stupid feelings that make you feel worthless starts coming in. First iyou just can't control it, andthen it leaves you feeling quite dirty. Even right now, I hate myself just because I'm wondering how my bestie went to the mall...maybe it's because of that someone *another friend who she might be getting close to these past few weeks*..because I know she wouldn't go to the mall alone..she's not like that...I don't know, maybe it's my fear of rejection *the fear that she might ditch me because I'm not good enough or something*. Maybe it's partly because I realize maybe I might be getting into the habit as well. In conclusion, I should really be nice to people...whoever they are...
I know it sounds like a simple lesson that it's easy to follow but seriously, it can get a little more complicated.
Especially when peer pressure is involved, including the pressure to be not pressured. I mean, pressure is actually everywhere. I don't know whether you can call it pressure in some cases but it damn feels like it sometimes.
I hope this all ends. I'll stop talkng right now because my head can't seem to process like my initial gut right now due to this depressing mood. Why is it always on Sundays???

Drive Away...

as time passes by, i slowly start to understand what issues that come to this little head of ine..and become somwhat of a abetter person..in the eyes of mine..and hopefully, in the eyes of God..
last night i tried shisha for the first tyme but i never told them..it was pretty kewl..if its aite, i'm looking forward to having more candid memorable shots of doing shisha...
this year, i would lyke a digital camera..somehow im not that satisfied with my handphone camera..
sometimes when i feel i quite fit in..i think at the other times i don't..and its sort of upsetting in a way..but not in a way that would devastate me..have i ever told you i sometimes cry because of self-pitiness..i know it sounds weird, but i do..my last good cry was a couple of nights ago..mainly because of that wole boydating issue..i don't know why it such an issue with me..partly because of the society and partly because i make it my own issue..arggh..but now i take things the lighthearted way and not too serious..
armmmm..and i should really cool off the whole boy/dating issue..its really not cool to be desperate...hahaha, how ironic is saying something is not cool when its the thing that i'm trying to avoid not doing..oh well..
i should be really happy with what i've got..that's still one of the issues that i'm handling with care right now..whether it's family, friends, and whatever's that i got in my back..and my faith with God as well..it's sometimes all clashes with each other..and some suprising results may come in..
AGAIN...

Constellations..

a HUGE apology for not keeping this uptodate. a combination of dance practice, studying, and (sort of) hanging out with my best friend has led me to unconsistent times to myself.
okay, first of all...DANCE PRACTICE. the moves are getting on quite okay, but we still need to work on it. but i have strong faith that we will all get there at the end. we're going to have an awesome show this year. i'm so glad to be a part of it. it's totally gonna suck at the end..i'm really going to miss the dance practices and all that togetherness..dancing for God and for a great cause. it's really awesome. i've been noticing myself that i'm more louder these past few days, both at school and at dance practice with a few minor exceptions. i really want to be more outgoing, and make new friends at the dance practice. i always hope that something good will happen (at the top of my head, either make a ton of new friends who i can comfortably talk with or get a new boyfriend) by the end of the concert, but seriously man, i really do not want to jinx it. the feling i have is that if i already planned it out, i really REALLY jinx it. i mean, the same feeling goes when i type or write it all down..it's all going to be JINXED. don't get me wrong, i mean, i feel more relaxed once i get it out on the open but still, it all feels quite JINXED. whether i'm right or wrong, i'll let you know.
early this week, something that i never thought would ever happen to me just happened. it may seem something normal, but still to me, it felt awesome. the people at dance practice who go to a more 'prestigious school' than me..i got to hang out with them..went with them in IZZI pizza and ate dinner..as far as i can remember..they were pretty nice...they laugh alot and all...sometimes i felt really self-conscious and weird because...we live in different worlds..and i don't know whether they bond with me or something..but i really hope they do..wish me luck...it's just the different worlds apart thing.they seem like a really nice bunch...and it'll be really cool that once in awhile they invite me to go out for shisha or something...
my bdayy is coming soon...next week!! i might MIGHT celebrate it..if it all falls into place...might do a karaoke party...and maybe do shisha and take photos...dunno, i hope it all falls into place..i'm hoping..arggghhh!!!!!!!!!
hmmm, what else?? apologies once again that i need to go lyke...right now because of the tons of work that's starting to pileup on me...
sitting..waiting..wishing...SOARING!! hwahahahhaaahaha....
my newest crush...a guy that may or may not know that i actually exist..dunno if i let the drama out before on this one but still..he's sooooooooo...lyke me..enjoys nostalgic thoughts...quite shy and quiet...hmm what else...is more of a listener than a talker...and....argghhh!!! i think we have lots in common....but him being quite shy and quiet..that's going to be quite an issue...whatever may or may not happen..arggghhH! x(
whatever happens...HAPPENS...sighs..
i'll keep you in the back of my head till your in front of me...no one knows about this by the way..except for my bestie but i think she's having fun issues with her boyfriend(s)..
let the reigns go loose once again...

Dear Interceptor..

yesterday was one of those days where i blame myself for everything that's going wrong in my life. seriously. it's like i'm this really selfish, intimidating person. i also blame myself for wanting things that i don't have. and i don't give as much as i receive in some level. when i give, i always think about receiving. it's a selfish thought.
i wish i could go to confession sooner or later. the sins that's residing on my soul are starting to ache my back. sometimes i wish it was as simple as shaking it off.
it's all those situations and haunting thoughts that continues to dwell on me.
i always thought that the futures would always be dependable but now, it's starting to freak me out.
consider my situation, it may sound simple, like i shouldn't really be worrying about it right now, but still, maybe it isn't or maybe i'm making a mountain out a molehill. i always thought of something charming to say. okay, i know that didn't make any sense, i was just listening to a song. yeah, i always thought i was those kinds of person.
last night i had a talk, a somewhat provoking thought about moving school. i realized maybe thoe problem is not the stuff around me but the way i see the stuff around me. i think i sort of wrote something similiar to this. but i don't know, it's like a problem inside of you that just can't get away. it's just YOU, you know? it's something that's going to be with you for the rest of your life, and if it's choosing to be a bitch for the rest of your life, even if you are a bitch. but what really makes us a bitch? what i think is we all have some of that inside each and everyone of us. it's just a matter of time and willingness whether we either let it grow upon us or stand up to it. let me tell you, it may cost us a few sacrifices. sometimes at the end, you realize those sacrifices are actually well worth it.
it's a conflict of culture. i'm really not that happy with that school anymore, especially with that attitude of everyone around is me is growing. maybe i demand too much. but one thing that i don't understand....is alot actually. probably a mixture of myself and them as well.
continuing the woes of a labeled teen.