Faster..

just got back from bandung/puncak.
you can say it was an alright trip. despite few thoughts that shouldn't have been there in the first place and whatnot. it was overall okay.
it gave me loads of time to think about myself. i realized how selfish and narrow-minded i've been. it's been hard to change myself. but now i realized it i want to change myself. i'm on the brink of the wall now, and i can feel in my blood. i will change.everything's changing.
alright so watsup? the bandung/puncak trip. it was alright. i bought a few clothes which i hope i will use in the future, and not let it become waste of money and material. what i was thinking of, you know my best clothes, i'm going to put it somewhere safe, and when i grow up and have kids already, one of them, i hope, is a girl, so if she's into the vintage/punk clothing, i could give her my old clothes. heheehe. that'll be awesome.
i don't know why, but i get really annoyed by my own people's accents. okay, i'm rich in filipino blood, i'm starting to become proud of my own blood, but i just get really annoyed when they started talking. i try not to show it, i hope it didnt show. i don't know, the guy whose family my family went with just then to bandung/puncak? yupp, DEEP accent. it annoyed me several times.
but hopefully i can get past it.
see?? sheer narrowmindedness.
alright, what else? i didnt do as much shopping as i would normally do, but im pretty happy of what i got.

wishing you all the best.my stomach is rumbling for more food even though it grew around 5000 kgs this holiday. okay, that was an exaggeration, maybe around 4000 kg. arggh, better get the exercise wheels soon.

cause i'm fine my way..so its time its not too late....to change directions..
there's something within and its telling me im playing it too cool..
i never had an apple that tasted so so sweet..
today im free.. free to fly..
you don't like me. you don't see me anymore. arggh. i'm taking it easy. i'm not saying it's hard at all. it is pretty hard. to think of what could have been something. oh well. i just hope that no one will see how hurt i am. let alone that i thought there could have been sooo much potential. arggh. oh well. better off. there will be better days.
remember: it's not a competition.
whenever God closes a window, He'll open a door X)
hahha. i'll get over this. i know i will. but in the meantime..
but right now, let's stay away from
* love, mushy love songs. being strong and independent are definitely in. plus, its when they find you attractive. believe me, relying on someone too much can have its dire consequences. remembering your mistakes can make you a better, stronger person.
* cried out freedom. rise out from me. love is paranoid.
* hmm, what else? a little less thinking, a little more distraction. hahahaa!
* wish them the best. give them a more positive attitude. wait for the scar to heal.
self-reminder: give everyone the illusion of being positive. while you realy heal inside.
shattered illusions. someday i will write a song about that.
ooh, in the meantime i'll be dancing with myself.
i wanna be around people like me. haha sad but true.
let the holidays begin.
endless days of watching TV. haahaha.
make damn sure. make damn sure. make damn sure.
you are everything i want. you are everything i'm not.
i just want to break you down so badly.
thoughts. thoughts. thoughts.
being e

Red Flag..

cast off the crutch and kills the pain! the red flag never sumtin sumtin..
Current Song Soundtrack : Billy Talent 'Red Flag' - awesome awesome song. hehehe, even though I don't know half of what the lyrics are.
Anyways, I want to be THROUGH with him. Find myself a better guy. Better then just waiting, waiting, here. Oh well, there will be others. But first, I want him to get a little taste of what he's going to miss. There's a party tommorow and I'm going to wear a skirt in front of him for the FIRST time. Hahaha, I just hope the chocolates I ate today doesn't show. Argggh, but it tasted soo damn good. Arggh, I'm seriously putting on weight now. I haven't exercised at all! Arggh! Stupid chocolates that tasted so good! Hahaha, oh well. Yeah anyways, I hope it works. I'll tell you what happens later, I guess.
Boys are not everything. Arggh, what made me so stupid to like think about them all the time? ARGHH.
Okay, don't think about HIM a.k.a OOOOO anymore...ARGHH!!! Better think of better things..like schoolwork. Oh darn, I have another SOSE project due tommorow. I like the pressure it gives me but it feels that I'm not happy with the way I handle it. Better hope that the week would help unwind and relax, and think things over, you know?
So this what we're up against..
EMO...TION..
tra la la. I don't need that jerk anymore. i don't need a guy to make me feel better about myself, you know?
ARGGH.

Recovery..

i set my clocks early cause i'm always late.
if only i had the writing skills that FOB has. in english, we're supposed to write a song about ourselves - it's really exciting, but i'm nervous of what the outcome. i don't know, maybe i'm just curious of what can i achieve if i put my 110% on it. i'm still working on the draft. a few verses, but nothing quite certain. the more i read about the music industry, the more interested i'm in. what i really like, is getting more bands like FOB, with REAL and inspiring songs and making their music more known. I want to start an independent music label, a sucessful one that is quite known, but not fully known to the public, but it stays true to the roots of real, actual music. A lot of people may argue how FOB is fake and just another rags-to-riches story, but I am proud to say that I am one of their true admirers. I admire them and who they are, in the eyes of everyone - the eyes of the public, the eyes of TRL boppers, the eyes of their real admirers. I hope they continue to pursue their music career for a significant amount of time.
It's not what people think about me. It's what I think about myself. I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe it makes it more meaningful then not saying it at all. But everytime, I fall in the same trap. The same trap all over and over again.
I'm not just saying that in one issue, but the whole thing in general life. It's all there. It's always been there. Some people just have what you don't want, so you just got to accept what you have. Oh, and hope for better futures. Haha, that's my signature line now.
Right now, I'm in a point in my life where I'm recognizing what is important and what is not. Even though I still follow what I know is not that important, it's better to be aware of it then not to be aware of it at all. It's just a matter of how I could step back before it gets wrong. Maybe I've been lucky, or it's simply not as bad as I describe it.
Hmm, what else? MUSIC = LIFE. Just because I'm joining what the crowd is into (Friendster, Myspace, whatnot) it's not all bad. Let's put in this way, it's a place where you can express your creativity. I don't want it to be a competition, although sometimes to me it feels like it. To have the most friends, or a specific amount of friends to wipe away the status of 'Loner'. Arggh, that's the thing that I'm talking about before. But everytime, I fall for it.
Thank goodness I have someplace to talk about this. If I had to bottle all of this up, I seriously wouldn't be the person I am today.
Let's put in this way, WRITING + MUSIC = LIFE.
Give me your strength. I yearn for your golden wings.
i love you God. Even though I don't show it as much as I want you, my inner instincts tell me to get closer to you as much as I can. I love you I love you.
I should have concentrated more in today's household, but those distractions came again and again.
the eagerness for something to happen is not that bad anymore. but i want to see how he's doing. i didn't know he went today. and it gave me a temporary smile in my face. hehehe, it felt good. but it would have been better if he could have talked to me. we barely saw each other, we barely talked at all. arggh. boys. they're the mentors of disappointment.
ohh, my crush. CRUSH. it crushes your heart. that's why the call them crush.
a little crush. A HUGE CRUSH. the more you put more feeling to it, you understand that's the amount thrown back at you.
i can get lost in myself in music without loosening the grasp in reality.
hope for better futures.
I LOVE YOU GOD.

Love Like Winter..

arggh. it's been officially done.
AFI's love like winter music video has been broadcasted on our mtv screens. and i'm not in it.
hehehe, what i mean is, my fantasies include doing this awesome music video for AFI, cause i heart their song. it's awesome. i wanted to be that girl, playing angel of DEATH. it's pretty awesome, but the girl they had was pretty good. i could have done better, hahhaah, just kidding. anyways, that's done. hehehee, they did a pretty good job of it overall. i love the song. the music video tries to capture the essence, and its like, great, actually.
okay, i feel the constant pressure. to be 'in'. to be fluttering like a social butterfly even though i'll never be one, because i just don't feel IT. but still, it's like, in front of my face and i'm looking at myself in an almost shattered mirror so the image i see comes out all messed up. but it keeps drawing me in for some reason.

Crystal-Baller..

okayy..i promised myself that i won't get my hopes too high..
but i hate the fact that i'm waiting and dumping all my hopes on this one guy. he might like someone else. argggh. i have no idea.
i think it was better if life existed without boys for some reason. i just hope he's not a flirt or a player. i seriously hope so. and i hope that he doesnt like this gurl who's like...12 or something..i don't know..maybe i'm paranoid as usual. lyke, paranoid much *sarcastic voice within*
arggh. i just dont want to be this paranoid anymore.
i don't wanna care.don't wanna care.
haaha, focus on the concentration of the homeworkness. harimau! harimau!
haha. its temporarily working.
somehow, i wanna move school. again. arggh. but still, i got to be thankful for what i get, so its not a mega huge deal anymore.
hmm. today at skewl wasn't all that bad. i spent my time yesterday with my bestest friend in the world making ultra-cute and ultra-gay friendship bracelets. she has one heart and i have the other. its really super cute. hahaha, BFF. i love her.
i'm in dire need of:
*God's love. mostly. but i know its always there, and i can't imagine life sometimes without His Love. okay now, i wanna change sometimes, to ALWAYS.
*a manicure+pedicure.
*ultra smooth+hair free legs. hahaha.
*a new hairstyle. what im leaning to is either WAVIER hair..with more layered and updated bangs. my bangs look dead now. i need a new hairstyle.
*better concentration on schoolwork. and on love.hahahaha
*less concentration on him. im working on it.
u gotta work it out..bumph bumphh..
hahaha. alrighty i g2g now.
peace out. lets go.
angel.

All Day..

i love you...i follow you..you are my my, my life. i don't care what they say about me, it's alright. they'll get it one day..
i'm addicted to that song. it's an awesome song. i like the easgoing beat with the simple yet touching lyrics.
why is the computer so slow??
anyways, let's talk. i got back from youth camp thisafternoon. i learned a lot of things. i don't know if i can dtell you all what i learned, but seriously, my mind keeps on growing. i love it for that.
my relationship with God has definitely increased. it's a good feeling really. i just hope it lasts for a long time. hmm, a lot of new experiences definitely. new feelings, probably?? hehee. i'm quite happy that i have this commitment that i'm about to face. it's not going to be easy. i know there are sacrifices be made. well, that's a part of the beauty, isn't it??
hmm..let's talk about it. day 1 - discussion, talks, games..it was pretty fun. what really intimidating though, throughout the whole camp, was that i went to a different school than the others. the majority goes to an exclusive school to us x( yet we got to assosciate with them. arggh. it's hard to explain really, but it's still there. i really want to accept the fact that, you know, money isn't everything. it's what's inside that counts. i think i sort of already accepted that fact, but i don't know if they could. arggh. arggh. yeahh..the night..what happened...he smsed me wanting to make out..he was jst kidding tho..but we went outside with his friend as well. they're both cool people. hehehe. oh yeah, a couple of my friends were there, so we pretty much hung out. but then, i felt that, with one of them, i could relate more to, because it's you know, the time when we start to actually discover boys (though their school dating experience may go as early as in 5th grade, yet in our tiny school, it might be even longer. look at me for example, i haven't gotten any experience, and i'm in the 10th grade.
anyways, yeah, but now i feel quite guilty, but i know that some parts i tried my hardest to be nice to ttheother one. she opened up about her family problems, and recently, when i had dinner with my parents, i have found out that she was adopted by her parents. that pretty much explained the problem itself. arggh, when we like, meet each other again, i'm sure that i'll do my best to try and comfort her in ways that i can.
anyways, the first night. it was sort of cool and awkward at the same time. my friend, you know the one i can relate to more (i wish i could establish a better friendship with her in the future) well this guy likes her, and that guy is pretty much close to the guy that...you know..HIM. anyways, yeah..we hung out for a while.
man, right now, i wanna HUG him. like, seriously, HUG HIM. i only hugged him ONCE this trip. hahah, it was when they helped us carry the mattress to our room, and then i don't know, it was only me and him in the room, and he was lyke, 'give me a hug' and yeahh. we hugged. i want to hug him again. and again. and again. and again. :D
what else. i'll tell you more when it's not 10 in the night and tommorow's school and you just got back from camp, giving you like, 4 hours of sleep each night.
i want to hug him. again and again.
angell.
LOVE GOD. LOVE YOURSELF. wipe the

It Hurts..

ohhhh..my..fckin..goshh..
i think i'm head over heels for you. either that or i just want some company. i want your company. ur exclusive company.
the thing that really sucks is that...YOU DON'T LIKE ME ANYMORE X(
gimme a sign...OMG..i hate feeling like this..but after moaning and groaning and crying (not really crying, but making sounds similiar to crying)...i just have to let it out...
one thing's for sure...you got to make that first step. arggh...i don't want to think about it..i don't wanna feel this way anymore..i do, but if you'll bring it all back..
okay..my attempt to change the subject..my braces FCKING HURT!!! hmm..i wonder what he's thinking of..i bet some gurl in his skewl..arghh..fcker!!!!!!!! don't leave me hanging dammnit...i've been on this before..and i expected the greatest but all i got was anything caught below it..
homework..joseph stalin..adolf hitler..cartesian planes...anything..except YOU! you make it all exciting..you've gone too far..was my actions too distant..arggghhh...am i hallucinating?????
i don't want to think about you. i want to think about....anything else but you. ANYTHING ELSE that grabs me by the hand and spins me till everything is blur. well, not exactly, but the adrenaline felt is pretty much the same..
okayy..hope for better futures..
there are about 7 billion people in this world. sometimes, all you need is 1.
there are about 7 billion souls that are currently walking in this worl.d and and sometimes, all you need is 1.
my braces hurt. especially the loose wire that keeps poking the inside of my cheek..and this sariawan growing on the tip of my tongue. argghh..but that loose wire..its making my cheek friggin IRRITATED...which is making me more IRRITATED than before..stop poking dammnit!
omg..its annoying the hell out of me...stop!!! and i'm hungry...i want...this pain to stop. please.
let the reigns go lose again.

The Secret's in the Telling..

i hate braces. i hate braces. okay, i just got the wires on yesterday, and it hurt like hell. i had no idea that it would be such a pain-in-the-ass!! i couldn't concentrate that much today..well, school's been really...boring. seriously man..it really is..i hate it now. but oh well..i just got to hope for better futures..once again..huh??
argghh...i can't eat any hard food now..i tried, during lunchtime..lasagna from the canteen...which tasted horrible..and now with wafers and bread...ohh the pain x(
i hope it could all benefit for those useless eating binges, huh?? argghh..i know my writing might be a little kiddish for me right now, but i got a good excuse. these damn metal things around my mouth. it's all going to be worth it someday. someday, i'm going to have great teeth for years to come. it's all going to be worth it..it's all going to be worth it...
boyys..you may be surrounded with them, but all you need is one.
when i'm alone..i confess, i'm being vindicated by the hunger of you right now. i hope that one day, you just want to pour all those emotions. make me feel it, make you feel it. i yearn for that moment where we both aren't shy for once shyness is our enemy, but for this moment, it never seemed to come across us. we are bold, we are rendered and captured by these feelings.
arggh, what am i talking about? i obviously have no clue whether you have the same feelings or not...he doesn't call..chat that much...or whatnot...is there someone else???
okayy..why does it smell like vomit of all sudden...its starting to creep me out...
alright what else?? i have another problem..i know it seems small..but it's sort of a big problem..should i givemy youth camp form back on the exact date?? but i have no idea how to give it..partly because my fear of disturbing their 'perfect lives' or what they would react..i don't know if its available if i can drop it off in one of their houses..but i hope i can still go..arggh!! i know it isn't a big problem..but seriously, how am i going to give this??
a small problem becomes bigger only if you let it. i'm letting this one become one.