Sweet Child of Mine..

A couple hours till the end of 2006. And I’m sitting here in front of the computer writing to you about it. Haha, I’m okay with that I guess. There will be times where I won’t celebrate New Year’s in my home sweet home. I’m just glad that I can write about it somewhere.

So the last day of 2006 was alright. To tell you the truth, I pretty much spent it goofing around with my sister. When she leaves, I’m really going to miss her L. Oh well… anyways, after we went to church, we went to the mall to sort of celebrate it. I bought myself a book called ‘Beijing Doll’. I only read like, 20 pages of it, but so far it looks pretty interesting. It’s about this girl who writes about her experiences living in Beijing. It doesn’t seem dull as I make it seem. It’s mostly about the freedom of youth and her ‘sexual awakening’. So far, it just talks about her relationships with several guys and how she deals with them. I’ll tell you more about it when I dive in deeper into this book. Man. There’s a ton of books that I havent’ finished reading yet, and now I’m out there buying myself new books.

Books I haven’t finished yet

- Different Seasons (Stephen King)

- My Sister’s Keeper (Jodi Picoult)

- Jane Eyre

- Beijing Doll

Hopefully I’ll finish them soon.

OK, just got back from KL. Even though we didn’t have that much money, I pretty much survived on it. I sort of expected it, so the disappointment that came wasn’t that much. Plus, I sort of came to a realization that there are plenty of people who have it much worse then me. But then again, that shouldn’t stop me in the first place, you know? I shouldn’t get myself upset over because of something as simple as that. This time, instead of getting upset because of it, I spent it mostly on focusing on the things that would last longer. At the end, I bought;

• Oversized pink sunglasses. I bought them on this really awesome indie shop (I swear, KL is one of the best places to shop. There’s this mall that has tons and tons of boutiques, which the quality and the uniqueness of the outfits and accessories just blows my mind away. If you compare it to the ones here in Jakarta, the ones in KL would win by a landslide. Next time, I’m definitely going to that shop.
• Denim miniskirt. Not only for the price, but it really fitted me. Plus, I don’t feel like spending my money on buying a signature piece on the mall if I could have a similar one for a cheaper price.
• Pink and black striped leggings. You can’t find those in Jakarta. Even if you can, it’ll probably be like ten times higher than the price I got it in KL. It looks cool with a miniskirt.
• These studded earrings. OK, I should have spent it on something else more daring and whatnot, but I guess it was just impulse shopping. It wasn’t that expensive though.
• Razzles and condoms. Those are not for me though, hehehee. It’s pasulobong for my friends. The condoms are for my bestie, hehehehe.
• Jim Morisson poster and a framed Ramones pic -- Rockets to Russia. It's damn awesome. I'm planning to expand it in the future.
  

The rest of the change in my pocket I spent it on buying chocolate and sour candy in the airport. Hehehe, I gained so much f-cking weight this holiday man. I really want to pursue on the exercise thing before we start school. I’m starting to feel self-conscious about my weight, no make that my STOMACH.

Hmm, what else what else? Yeahh, that’s pretty much it. Oh and the hotel we stayed in was divine. It was awesome, especially when you’re taking a bath. It had straight out HOT shower and 2 shower thingies.

Oh yeah. We almost didn’t get across Indonesia, you know why? Cause we weren’t able to get a visa or something because the embassy was too disorganized or something. I remember praying Our Father when my dad was trying to explain his way out of it to the embassy guy. I was about to pee in my pants, I swear. Argh, I hated that moment.

Groan, the stupid financial problems. We haven’t paid for the school fees yet so I can’t get my report card….arggh. I don’t like waiting for it. I hope that the money problems would ease this year man. I really hope so.

I’m having a sort of One Tree Hill flashback here, remembering the episode when Haley and Lucas writes what they hope and wish for the upcoming school year. This time, I’m going to write what I hope and wish for, put it in a hiding place and hope it’ll last. Hahaha, a year from now I would REMEMBER IT and read it. I wonder what’s it going to be like a year from now. Would it be for better, or for worse??! I wonder whether I’ll really accomplish anything this year. I really hope I would. I remember a year before, I was lying in the bed in our house in Sucat, and watching this New Year’s parade. My parents were lying on a mattress in the floor, talking about something. I was too busy listening to Fall Out Boy’s ‘Yule Shoot Your Eye Out’ and writing on my journal. It was a cool moment At least the weather was cool.

OK, I need to sign out. I’m going to write that list soon.

Have a happy new years.

Xoxoxoxoxo.

Angel.

Hmm… Wentworth Miller is my new Pete Wentz. Damn, he’s f-cking hot.

Lua..

I hate now.

Since I’m doing the silent treatment, not-listening-to-the-world-just-my-ipod sort of thing..I’ll tell you what’s wrong.

First of all, I couldn’t sleepover in my bestie’s house. I think I know that her parents or whatever said I couldn’t sleepover, (I couldn’t bring myself to think that she didn’t want it at the first place) and the excuse she made, I could spot a lie a mile off. I guess I just know her too much.

OK, since I had some time to cool off about it, I guess the distraction has sort of paid off. In some way because you can only call it distraction. When it comes back, then the same feelings will follow. But now, the anger has sort of decreased.

· Yeah, the first one was because of that. Now, I’m staying at home. Oh well, relaxation, eh?

· Second one, because of my mom before. She sort of started to chastise me regarding our financial situation. Like I said, I totally despise when she does that. First, she started saying something about not shopping at KL, which made me really annoyed. As selfish as it sounds, I really looked forward to shop in KL. Arggh. The best things in life are free. There are times where I could feel that statement is true, but right now, it’s just not one of them. I could use a little shopping in malls and whatnot now and then. I mean, right now, I want to start looking for more designer and quality labels and not those cheap-ass knockoffs in ITC or something. I want good worth for my money as well. But as I’m saying that, it doesn’t mean that I’m going to go shopping every week or something. But when it’s time to go shopping, I’m going to start picking wisely from now on.

· Anyways, continuing from that conversation, she started going on about the other debts that we have. That really pissed me off. I’m not that kind of person who could bottle up anger inside. If I’m angry, I really need to show it. That’s the reason why I’m writing about it right now. For my parents, I either use the silent treatment, you know, like getting my ipod and listening to it full volume is my way of saying ‘look, I don’t want to hear this right now’. I’m only very open-minded in words. And I don’t say this sort of thing towards people. I just don’t do that. So here I am, spilling my guts out to you.

· Hmm, what else is a way to show that I’m angry. When my parents loses it, then it’s all over. I can’t express any anger whatsoever or else they’ll get even more angrier and the lectures they tell me will increase. As I’m growing older, I start to hate those lectures. Sure, it makes me realize how much I’m wrong, but probably that’s the reason why I hate it. But now, they sort of recycle their old words and create them in new lectures, and it’s starting to get me real bad. It’s like, you’re sitting there while your mind is shouting ‘I KNOW ALREADY!’ You can picture mine, it’s like my mind is jumping up and down and tearing it’s hair out.

· Yeh. Just thinking about all that gets more and more depressing. I hate it. Like, I’m not going to get a digital camera. I’m probably not going to shop for a long time either. Ahh, I’m supposed to shop for Christmas but this really killed the mood. What else? Oh, and I’m not going to get my report card any time yet, meaning that I’ll have to go to school with my fees unpaid for like 7 months. I mean, seriously, do I really have to suffer 7 more months just to make ends meet with my school fees? Should I skip school? I HATE THIS.

· I know, I know. There are other people who have it worse than me. But still, you know? I think about that sometimes, but then you think about all the people who have it lucky. Well, not lucky in their hearts, but for financial being, hell yeah. All I’m asking is just a little financial security. Just as much to pay the school fees at the right time.

· Oh no. They’ll look at me in a strange way. I hate this. I hate this.

· This calls for a distraction once again. It’s time to stop feeling sorry about it.

I think we have an emergency. I saw you listening.

Xoxo

Hope for better futures.

Angel.
* One more thing. We can’t afford the stupid DSL connection. I can’t download music or watch cable videos online anymore.

I hate all of this. Did I tell you that I also hate the fact that there are other people who have it a lot more worse than me. I’m not appreciating it like I should be.

I HATE THIS.

You'll Be Safe Here..

Aah. Today was a day I want to forget. I felt lazy, stupid, and tired all day. I didn’t want to do anything except to sleep and think with my bad thoughts. Plus, I have trouble with my bowel movements (I’m not getting to detail in this area) and it’s making me all depressed.

AAH. I HATE THIS DAY. AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT, I FEEL SO….BLAH.

I don’t to have any days like this nevermore. It’s too depressing, the taste afterwards. Aah, it’s like having a day of hangover.

** Hmm, I spent my money in useless things. Like candy and icecream. Now my stomach is paying the price.

I’ve been in a bad mood all day long. I don’t want to bore you with the details.

Aah. It’s the start of the holidays. I’m planning not only to manage and watch my weight, but my appearance as well. I have yet plucked up the courage to ask my parents for the ultimate Christmas present: A digital camera. Oh, and also DSL connection.

There are is one in particular that is starting to give me the nerves. I’m trying not to, but it’s like, it’s overwhelming. And it’s the exact same guy that I thought I had feelings for before. Aah, his presence is starting to get really annoying. I’m not trying to be mean or anything, but I feel if I don’t get this out in the open it’s gonna start to get to me. Anyways, he calls me nearly all the time and when we actually speak he’s always asking the same questions as before. It’s annoying, I swear. And what else?!? OK, I know this shouldn’t get to me at all, maybe he just wants to make friends, but there’s this other guy outside school that I’m pretty close with as friends, and I think he wants to know that guy. It’s like every person outside school that I’m close to he wants to add in his myspace. I mean, why? Call me sensitive. Aah. I don’t want to think about it anymore.

Over these holidays, I’m looking forward to read my past blog entries and really discover how I matured over this past year. It’s been weird, it’s been pretty quick that 2006 is almost over. I’ll be spending New Year’s here I guess, but I’m not sure whether here or in KL, but I’m secretly pushing for KL.

I hope these holidays are fun. I’m trying not to think about money. Ahh, I think it’s going to be different this year because of the financial problems. I know, I’m trying to understand that. I’m trying to accept it as it is, and hope for better futures.

To be continued.

Today is the day, where my mom and sis will come back from the Philippines. I’m pretty excited, I just have to make sure that I got to clean my stuff first.

Aahh, it’s great relaxing at home. I just have to put my discipline up to regularly exercise or else I’ll end up with two tummies.

Hmm, it’s amazing how lovestruck people can be. I’ve never been in a relationship, and as much as I see some of my friends who are currently in relationships can be. I look at their myspace profiles (shut up. Yes, I admit. I use myspace) and see how it’s like…’I love you sooo much *their supposed loved one’s name* over and over again. It’s sort of ridiculous. But I’m not saying anything out loud. If that’s how it is, then so be it.

I just finished watching Little Miss Sunshine. The last movie I watched before that was Borat. It was one of the weirdest movies I ever seen, I swear. It’s sort of offensive but funny at some moments. Ew, there was one scene where Borat and his manager or something, they fight naked. It’s soo weird.

The movie industry is weird nowadays. I used to be crazy over movies but now, the fact that they do it just for the moolah, it changed the whole perspective. I don’t really enjoy the movies nowadays, I prefer those indie classics. Little Miss Sunshine is awesome. I love that movie. It has the perfect charm and quirks.

Trying to enjoy the holidays. So far, yeah, I told you my mom and sis are coming back from the Philippines. My sister is going to stay here for like, 2 weeks. And then, hmm, we might go to KL for a few days. I’m secretly hoping that we’re not so financially uptight we could allow a few dollars for shopping. I seriously hope so. Hmm, I’ll just hope for the best.

What else? Oh yeah, my stomach is still aching for no reason. Well maybe my eating habits are taking a turn for the worse. I don’t know. I just hope it goes back to normal soon.

Hmm, I’m craving for a real vacation. Not the ones like going to KL again, I must say, I’m starting to get really bored of it. I want to go somewhere like America or Australia or Europe or something. I miss going to vacations like that again. Oh well, the next vacation my parents are trying to have (like I said, if the financial situation improves, you know?) a vacation when my sister graduates from college. If the luck comes in sooner, I’m secretly hoping for a vacation when I graduate from high school. Hmm, where would we go?! My dream place is probably Chicago, but since I don’t see that happening unless someone else pays for us or something, maybe I’ll settle in Hong Kong, Thailand, or whatnot. I don’t know. Did I ever tell you my family has relatives in America? Ooh, maybe we won’t have to spend the night in cheap hotels or something.

Label me as selfish, but sometimes, I crave for a little luxury. Even though what I have right now is considered luxury to other people. I’m trying to enjoy it.

I love this.

I’m secretly hoping for a digital camera.

Did I tell you that?

I’m planning to give my sister a:

* A shirt I bought in a fair long time ago. Ooh, tomorrow I’m bound to experience my first time going to a secondhand clothing flea market. I’m going to dress in a simple way *there’s a lot of pickpockets*, maybe in baggy jeans and a simple shirt with sandals or something. No jewelry or handphones whatsoever. I don’t want to risk anything. Maybe I'll pick something up for her x)

Verdict: Shirt and a bellybutton piercing *hopefully she still has it by now*

* My mom..haha already bought her one! A bottle of Victoria Secret body lotion. It smells absolute divine!

*My dad..I'm looking to get him a voucher in a good salon/spa, for a great massage. It's a great gift, cause he needs it from all the workload and whatnot.

* My bestie. Ahh, I have no idea whatsoever. Hmmmmm....maybe I'll find something good in KL..maybe a charmbracelet or necklace or something. Ahh. I don't know.

Wish me hope that I could scrape enough money for the presents. I have some money leftover but due to my unconscious self which lets me spend on money in wasteless stuff.

*

This Year's Most Open Heartbreak..

OMG. what the hell am i so depressed about?
first of all, it's my attitude today. i realized it, and it was too late. but i'm tired already of feeling guilty of myself. it's got to stop. today was lyke..'a hangout diving into teenagers' day. i don't know how that made sense of it but let's just say that today was just a day of freedom. i know i shouldn't be saying that, but i just hope that it won't happen as often as it will.

what i'm trying to say, is that, since i have a huge faith in the Lord, today was not one of those days where i feel proud or confident within the eyes of the Lord. i keep asking for forgiveness, but then i always screw things up. i always blame it in the hormones but then later, deep down inside, the surge of guiltiness of 'i should have known better' would have come. this would not be a day where i would feel the Lord's presence. i mean, like, it's not a day where i really followed the commandments of the Lord. ahh, it's all coming out wrong.
i just...ahhh.
it's confession time.
* i smoked.
again. and again. i don't want to do this anymore. i don't want to get cancer. smoking makes you get cancer more and there might be a good chance that i could get it because of my genes..and i don't want to worsen that. i don't want to put it through myself, my family, or whoever. aahhh.
i know it sounds stupid that i smoked, but then ahhh. i dont think i'll ever tell this to anyone because it seems soo immature and whatnot. but somehow the guiltiness is still there, you know?
aahhh rite now im relying on distraction hands down. ahhhhhh i will rely on distraction.
you know what happened other than dat today?
** i met him once again. he looked at me and smiled and he blew a small kiss. OMFG. why do i always fall for him again and again?! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ohh and he has a girlfriend. im absolutely positive. what the f am i whining about? he's such a....ahhhhhh! i guess i'm just pissed because..well, he doesn't like me anymore. argh. oh well. his LOSS, rite?!
ahhhh. i just need somewhere to vent out my frustrations x(
dont u just wish karma would happen to the people that need it, but when its us ourselves who need it we just hope it doesnt exist??!!

Poison Ivy..

aack! i still can't believe that i might have feelings for this guy. but what i really think is that i'm just..hmmm, how do you explain that feeling..like feeling special because someone sort of likes you. but the thing is, the guys that have a thing for me now, i have no feelings for them whatsoever at all. yeah, i'm flattered, but there are no other feelings other than friends from them.
hmmm, what else happened this week? this week is sort of special because it's the last week of school. i remember this time last year, is when our school had that little rock show for the highschool. lol, i dont seem to know why i remember that but i remember we had free-uniform that day. i remember the outfit, lol.
this week i also caught an annoying fever. i hate being sick. and we had sports day as well, and i didn't get any medals x( hmmm, maybe i'm not turning out the kind of athlete that i thought i used to be. oh well. i'll stick to my knowledge of academics. it's that time where we have to do absolutely great or outstanding to get noticed. but then that specified area in where we excell, are the only thing that we'll get recognized, you know? like for instance, this guy is has A grades in all his subjects but then he's usually like, the last place chosen for a sports team. i don't know why high school is seen that way. it's like, the place where we have to stick to our own cliques. i know i'm not making myself very clear, but hey, i just recovered from a fever a while ago.
only a few manage to succeed in accomplishing in all areas of high school life.
exterminate the whole human race.
lately i've been researching about punk music to kill time. i realized how many subgenres there was. some are so weird, like cowpunk? cowpunk is like punk with country stylings and rythmns in it. i don't know, it sounds sooo weird. there are some sort of musique that makes me feel uncomfortable listening to. like ska for example. i don't know why, it's just..the roots are soo weird. less than jake, ahh, some of their musique is just....versatile.
and what else? irish punk? nazi punk? wtf?!
i'll explain about those later.
my stomach is bloated because of all the dirty thoughts in my hormonal head right now. lol. i'm staring at my stomach thinking whether it would IT WOULD EVER GET FLAT. AHHH, NOW IT'S BLOATED SOOO MUCH.
HORMONAL THOUGHTS.
yesh. i admit it. i've been thinking about IT alot today. i don't know why. but somehow i could manage to put the blame on estrogen.
xoxoxo

Let's Have a War..

Arggh. I hate today. I hate all days.

I hate myself. I hate the current situation. I just hate everything.

If I continued this, I would hate myself even more. So I’m here to swallow my pride and get on with life.

I hate the fact that I’m imperfect. One thing I can’t tolerate is making the same mistakes over and over again. Over and over again. I try hard to become a better person, but I keep on failing.

Today was trivia day. It was a success, everyone I hoped had enjoyed but still, I slapped and let myself turn into anger. Even though it didn’t seem serious, but still. At the end of the day, I cried my eyes out. I showered, and cried my eyes out. Then I watched One Tree Hill and when the mushy scenes came up, I cried even more. Arggh, I just realized how emotionally unstable I am.

Selfishly consumed I am.

I didn’t want to like, talk to God because I know that deep down inside, He’s still disappointed in me. I don’t want to continue disappointing him. The guiltiness keeps running through my veins the moment the action has been finished. Arggh. Maybe I will, but not at this time.

I should really keep my anger at hold.

I should not look up to what should be looked up to. What I’m trying to say, I shouldn’t let myself get influenced by the wrong things in life. Arggh, it’s just going to disappoint me in the future.

Forgive and forget. Another promise I have deceived.

Arggh. Help me.

Right now, I’ll resort myself to whatever.

We are compelled to do, what we must do.

Maybe I’ll start a blog in myspace, so that why, people can sort of know what I’m feeling instead of keeping it all bottled up inside.

No wait, that’s not entirely true.

Oh well.

Ohmyga.

Never would I thought that I would start thinking about this certain guy in class. How could I possibly like him? All this time, I just like the fact that he flirts with me and touches me (like hugs me and whatnot) but there’s no way that I like him more than a friend. Maybe I’m just smitten that someone is actually paying attention to me.

I don’t know, physically he’s not that attractive, but I don’t know. I really don’t know. Our personality is so different, I swear. He’s more into sports and all that, and I’m more into academics, to explain it all simply. I could not possibly like him. And he’s very notorious.

Ahh, nah I don’t like him. More than a friend. Maybe he’s just someone who I can enjoy flirting with but nothing more than that. Yeah, that’s what he is. Someone just to kill off time. Aahh. He’s totally not what I imagined. Arggh.

I’m trying not to think about it seriously. Nahh, I don’t like him. I sincerely hope that this is just temporary and I’m currently living a life of desperation.

Shake..

okay, i don't know why i named this blog entry over some dirty hip hop song, but i gotta say, it's really catchy.
sighs. still single. hehe, my best friend, who never been single for at least a week, is now single. her recent boyfriend just dumped her. hehhee, at least now i have some company x)
but i promised myself i wouldn't let something little as that grow on me. i rather focus on the stuff that i have and enjoy it all, till the right moment comes. i don't want to pressure myself into it, or else my precious self-esteem would decrease and that would have a serious effect on me.
okay, whats new? i just got back from roadtripping to bandung with my father. my mom is in philz, and we're waiting for the results of her bone scan tommorow. i keep praying to the Lord that she will be alright, but sometimes i feel the sins i have committed prevent her from getting well. i don't know why i feel that why, maybe in some way, a karma. i don't know, it sounds weird on words, but its what i really feel.
i did shopping! lolz, i shopped for like 3 items of clothing - shorts, much needed wool sweater, and a pair of PINK boxers. hehee, cute! there were a few places where it looked really interested, but i think we couldn't go there. there were like antique music shops and rock clothing shops that looked really awesome. hmm, maybe the next time we go there i'll research for good shops here on the internet.
angelica hearts indie musique records.
+ rock musique clothing
+ vintage items. no COPYING.
+posters of bob marley and whatnot.

hahaha, i have yet to bound to experience thrift clothes shopping which i want to embark on with my best friend soon. and also, JIFFEST is coming around the corner. it's an international film festival and there are some movies that look pretty interesting.
i miss mymother. i hope my dad is doing alright.
i need to sleep right..about...now. but i'll spare 15 minutes just to write to you.
bandung was kewl. right now i got to focus on my
TREASURER report finance. i just realized how messy and disorganized i could be and i should be wayy more organized from the beginning. it's all about time management. whatever. i don't have to cooperation i want to have from others. motivation. motivation.
the trivia day tommorow. i hope it'll be a success. i'm part of the trivia committee and im sure as well hoping that the students are at least interested in it.
arggh. i want to be a better person in the eyes of Lord. but i keep finding myself in the same old cycle over and over again. like there's no room for improvements. im constantly trying my hardest to improve myself.
i guess i could use a distraction.
living life.
experience love like it should be.thrift. laugh till your stomach hurts. rolllercoastering with ur best buddy rite next to you. crying at a sappy ol' movie.listening to that one song that makes you feel alive. an out-of-body experience.
there are some things we all must bound to experience at least once in a lifetime.

next time on different seasons:
my awesome idea for the latest video of fall out boy's new single 'this aint a scene its an arms race'. its soo awesome, lolz. completely unique and i just thought all of it on my own whilst listening to it for like 20 times. xoxoxo

Oxygen..

Arggh.
Why does selfishness like to lay beside me?
I DON’T KNOW.
There’s this guy in my class. It’s pretty obvious that he’s into me. But I don’t like him at all, as a friend, he’s great and all, but I seriously don’t like him more than that. There’s this other guy as well. And another one. I don’t find myself into them, you know? Ahhh. Maybe I have a TOO HIGH standard/expectations. I don’t know why.
I fancy myself a bit of coffee.
Yesterday was fun. I went to this college fair and all. It was a new experience. Not only did I get a glimpse of college life (no one knew us, hahaha, but oh well, it wasn’t the point) but it opened a door for me for new and bright youthful experiences. I find myself, when I’m in college, with my group of friends, just hanging out in one of those college fairs, taking pictures, and just dancing the night away.
Oh yeah. Something new happened that day. I got myself into this modeling contest thing. At that time, it seemed quite real and all, you know, like they really find you attractive and all. But then, when you see behind it all, their just after you for your paycheck. That’s the truth. Reality BITES you hard in the ass. Yeah, they talked with me the longest time from my group of friends. I don’t know, it seemed quite nice for the extra attention of other people, even though it was all fake. Hahaha, maybe it was part of my naivety or innocence or whatnot. I have no idea. This is the second time I ran into strangers. Arggh, but I hope they don’t do anything with my address or whatnot. If they are a scam modeling agency, they wouldn’t like, show up in your doorstep or call you nonstop.
I’m thinking about it and if my parents found out that I gave my address to them, they’ll kill me for sure. So I sincerely hope there not one of the bad guys.
Lately I’ve been thinking how would it be like as a model. During that modeling contest thing, the guy was taking photos of me. Hahha, it was damn awkward. Almost 70% of my photos came out ugly, but some was pretty good.
I don’t know, they just kept on looking at me and saying that I got great potential. My mind right now is believing that it’s just a SCAM, but I keep on thinking, what if it’s not? You know, like, if I get to model for some clothes and whatnot, and I see myself in a magazine. Hhaaa, that would the day. I could have some spending money so I wouldn’t have to ask from my parents all the time.
Short attention span’s coming in.
Toodles.

Shake..

Arggh.
The suitcases just went out once again. I never knew time could go this fast.
My instincts tell me… I don’t know. It’s all mixed up in there somewhere. I can’t distinguish which one is the right one. I don’t know whether the real thing is trying to hide inside. I don’t know whether the whole daze that’s going on inside is really something that’s just.. well, the one that I didn’t hope to get. Destiny is calling me. It’s just a shame that the pain after it’s punch came oh so late.
Here I am, thinking about a funeral for some reason. I just hope that I could blame all of this in paranoia in my head somewhat real. I don’t know what I’m saying right now. I’m trying to put these feelings into words, but somehow, it doesn’t come out right. Maybe it never did.
Feelings of guiltiness and whatnot keeps rushing in. I don’t know why I feel guilty. There’s a part of me that always says I could do more. Time is somehow ruining it all. Yet it’s sort of like our leader. We need to follow what the time gives us.
I seriously don’t know what to say right now.
Worst case scenario, I just have to use this time to prepare for the worst. I don’t know whether I could rely on myself after all that’s been through, let alone if others need it. I don’t know. I want to be strong for myself. But I don’t know whether the strength I have is enough for another.
I don’t know.
I have to rely on God. He’ll definitely give the strength and wisdom to get through this difficult time. But over these past months, I quickly realized that even though I have God by my side, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s going to be easy. From what I experienced, it’s like having that net that catches you right before you drop dead on the cement floor.
I don’t feel like talking about love=boys. There are way more important issues then that. It’s damn shame that I should have realized that earlier.
In today’s household, we talked about this scripture;
Jesus said to his disciples, “Be on your guard; let not your hearts be weighed down with a life of pleasure, drunkenness and worldly cares, lest that day catch you suddenly as a trap. For it will come upon all the inhabitants of the whole earth. But watch at all times and pray, that you may be able to escape all that is bound to happen and to stand before the Son of Man.”
That would definitely be one of the most powerful Bible scriptures that I would remember.
Arggh. I think my parents are the ones that really care about me, but they don’t express it that much. It sometimes feels like I got to express it first. I don’t know, from that alone, it creates a gap between us. How do you explain it? Hmm, it’s like, when I ask them if I could go somewhere, they would agree. My mom doesn’t do that, she expresses her mind like, totally free, and me and my father has to go through it. Consider it a must. Sometimes it annoys the hell out of me. The anger then turns into guiltiness. Like right now.
Sometimes I wish I could make the whole person
I hope my mom turns out alright. I hope my highest hopes. Despite her major flaws, I can’t imagine life without her.
Lately, I’m not that happy with the person I’m becoming. I don’t know, it’s part of an illusion that I always get sucked into. I want to be a person that not only God would be proud of, but also as myself, and also (despite my stubbornness) the eyes of other people. I think I found the fucking cure. I think I just care about what people think of me first. I mean, seriously, I care what people think of me too much.