Alone..

This will probably be a first of many thigns. I'm actually, ACTUALLY writing this blog entry in school. Fortunately, not a lot of students come here before school starts so I can have actual privacy.

Since I have schoolwork to do, I'll make this one quick.

Sometimes I hate that thing does to you. I can' really talk to anyone exactly how I feel, so I guess I'll pour it all out here, where there's no judgement, hopefully. Anyhoo, I'm enjoying life actually apart from this whole drama thing. Omg. It's spinning my world slowly upside down. I don't know why but it is, it's definitely unexplicable.
Sometimes I hate hearing the past. Because back then, we knew all these things about each other when we were still friends. Like when you used to like her, and when I used to like da da da. Sometimes it feels that its all coming back to haunt me I guess. I mean, sometimes I make myself believe that deep down inside, there's a little feeling for her again. And it hurts me (deep down inside). I can't believe those words are coming out of my fingers.
Let me enjoy life. Without you. I hope you're alright. I wish you all my best =D
You'll always have a special place in my heart I guess. As a friend. You had all that time and now you just realized how you feel right before the worst date ever imaginable. Still it's cute how you act in front of me. I'm going to definitely miss that. If you weren't moving, I bet that I'll be in your arms right now. Maybe. Maybe not.
Let's just leave it like that. We had some nice memories. It'll be nice to meet you again in the future. See how our lives might end up but I'm sure it'll all be smiles. Maybe one day we'll both laugh about it and wonder how it ever got to this but right now, all I wanna do is feel your presence again.
You're there with her and her. Have fun always =D

Your Guardian Angel..

I I told you that I never cried over a boy, I will be lying big time.
I know I'm going to sound like a whiny lovesick fool but right now, I really need a place to all the spilling and all that. It's never going to happen. There could have been something but T-I-M-E is running out.
If only I had one more day with you. I still do, but the closer I get the dread inside grows because I know it's ain't limited. This time it hurts way more because I actually got to know this one. I got to know him as a person, with flaws. But he learned to accept me who I am.
I cried my eyes out everyday now. I know it sounds stupid but hey, that's what it does to you, right? I know I'll be okay somehow. Sometimes I want to know
King of Wishful Thinking. Gotta Have You. We are Man and Wife. Your Guardian Angel. =( Soundtrack of Getting Over.

I Gotta Have You..

All I think about is you.

Suddenly, all the poppy, lovey-dovey songs make sense once again. I don’t know how to approach this feeling that was familiar but last reached out ages ago. This time, the situation is different. Finally this one could have a chance (he knows almost everything about me and I know almost everything about him. I don’t know whether this is a bad thing or good thing.) but in the most inconvenient time ever. Now it’s going to hurt 10 times bad as it will before. When he leaves.

I’ll get over him. I know I will. I’ll pretend my ship’s not sinking. But I’ll tell myself I’m over him. Because I’m the queen of wishful thinking.

Every minute or so, I wonder whether he’s thinking of me. Finally it all makes sense right now. All the times when we were talking alone or walking together at school, I thought we were just friends.

I’m worried about what the people I care about are going to say about it. I’m sort of targeting one specific person because I can read her facial expressions almost accurately. I’m worried whether she’ll not agree to it, or think badly of it, and that scares me because what she thinks I cherish quite a lot. For some reason.

Her way of thinking may certainly have some flaws but I know I should stand my ground. But I won’t confess it all straight away. Maybe we don’t have to think about it but maybe, just maybe she’ll have secret approval for all of it. What am I thinking? It’s not like we’re doing anything.

I just hope she won’t backstab me behind my back. She’s capable of doing such things.

I know alright, one women’s poison can be her necessity as well.

I’m not having enough privacy. I was in my room watching ‘Superbad’ just then all of a sudden my mom and the maid just had to come and start cleaning the closet. I was like, ‘Hello! I’m right here. You don’t think I need privacy as well.’ Jeez I swear.

I miss him. I wonder if he still misses me. I wonder if he’s thinking of me. I miss him calling me. I bet he thinks it’s gonna weird. Damnit. He ain’t the one for me.

King of Wishful Thinking..

I'll get over you. I know I will. I'll pretend my ship's not sinking. And I'll tell myself I'm over you. Because I'm the King of Wishful Thinking.
How many times have I mouthed those words over the past December. I swear I had no idea. I really thought that he was either out of my league, or that he thought of me as a 'sister'. I swear I had no idea.
I don't know where to go to help. I can't ask for a lending hand towards anyone because I'm too shy. And everyone knows HIM.
IOMG. I can't believe that this is actually happening. Ever since I found out (from a close, reliable friend) that it was actually true. OMG.
What would you do if you found out that your best guy friend had a crush CRUSH on you?
I never ever thought it would ever happen. Surely, some fantasies may lurk here or there but nothing ever serious. Now, I catch myself holding hands with him, or just, i don't know...reminiscing through the times we had together. Especially when we were alone. How come it turned out like this? How come just then?
Dude I should tell you that I'm crying my eyes out while writing this whilst listening to Michelle Featherstone 'We are Man and Wife'. I finally found someone to like. He was there all along and I haven't been able to question all the possibilities that could have happened.
You are the love of my life (for now).
Damn I hate liking someone. Someone again like this serious.
This might become an interesting chapter in my life.

All this time I never realized or comprehended this.
I must be rambling on.
Suddenly now I know how 'Some Kind of Wonderful' makes sense.
GUy and girl considered as a bestfriend kind of girl.
History makes it all complicated. Will it endure it or not?
Will we have to shrug it off or spend the short time we had doing what we could?
I really don't know.
Today was a big emancipation. It made me realize the unexpected.
He's moving to England in less than a month.

Crushcrushcrush..

I’m back at home.

It feels quite good to be back. I spent the first hours of my homecoming watching ‘Some Kind of Wonderful’. It’s the typical, cheesy 80s teen flick but I enjoyed it.

The internet is pretty messed up right now but hopefully it’ll go back as normal (so I can catch up on downloading songs ASAP) tomorrow. I miss my friends and I can’t wait to catch up on them. Apparently, loads of things happened while I’m gone. There’s a new couple in town and it’s soo shocking. Oh well, the heart wants what it wants, huh?

I’m pretty great with myself and the current beings. I just have to get back into shape and make a few adjustments (give myself a foot spa, a new haircut, arrange a few other things) and I’m off. School’s starting soon (groan) and I just want to get back into good terms with everybody academically and socially. What’s going on with my social life? I’m happy with myself that I wasn’t as paranoid as I was like 6 months ago because my social life wasn’t blossoming. Right now, I’m just happy to have couple of friends that I can talk to about almost anything. J

One thing that I should start doing besides grooming my foot (I swear, if you ever see it, you wish you hadn’t) and sit-ups (my stubborn stomach) is read more and more books. I’m currently reading ‘She’s Come Undone’. It’s pretty good and I can’t wait to finish it and read the tons and tons of books I’ve got during the vacation for awesome prices. I officially resolve myself to read all of them before I start college.

Fine, here is the list (in no order)

1. She’s Come Undone – Wally Lamb
2. The Pact – Jodi Picoult
3. White Oleander – Janet Fitch
4. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest – Ken Kesey
5. Dreaming Southern – Linda Bruckheimer
6. Talk Before Sleep – Elizabeth Berg
7. The Sun also Rises – Ernest Hemingway
8. The Cement Garden – Ian McEwan
9. The Lost Mother - Mary McGarry Morris
10. Basketball Diaries – Jim Carroll

10 books before June 7.That’s around 4 months

Aproximately 2 weeks per book. Let’s see if I’m still the procrastinator I’ve always been or I’m finally becoming a new person.

Gotta Have You...

The song by a band called the Weepies is slowly starting to sweep over my Ipod collection and life soundtrack. I'm currently loving 'Gotta Have You'. It's a simple acoustic song which is best heard when your alone. Hmm, I think I should make a mix entitled, 'Songs Best 2 Listen 2 When Ur Alone'. I have some killer tracks.
Anyhoo, I like listening to it while on the road or imagining it to my little 'film'. Another trait of mine that I never shared with you but it's been going on ever since I discovered my hidden passion of becoming an actress (haha). I like creating various storyliness (depending on the surrounding influences that I am exposed to during that specific time) which I include myself as a character. Not necessarily the main character, but just a character which I hope to make sure that will leave a mark on the audience. Not necessarily a breathtaking or an Oscar-winning performance (although that would be quite nice).
Yes I admit it again. I am such a geek.
The storylines range from a teenager going to a boarding school for the first time (I'm her roomate) to others. The current one that I'm thinking about is this girl who falls head over heels for her best guy friend. But the thing is, he's homosexual. You know during the adolescence years thats when most of us explore our sexuality and it could be really confusing for us. Yeah, at first, we don't know that he's gay but then as the movie progresses we see him finally realize that he has feelings for guys. I don't know the minor storylines but like, at the end, she leaves town for college. Then 2 years later, she comes back (and that song 'Gotta Have You' is playing while she's at the car, closing her eyes, and looking out at the nostalgic surroundings) for a visit and finds out that he never went to college. Since it is a small town and quite conservative, when word came out that he was gay, no college wanted him. Because homosexuality isn't really accepted there so like, his 'perfect boy' reputation was tarnished.
Lol. I must be talking about it too much. I dunno, it seems that everytime I try to explain it out into the real world, it comes out quite differently. Only sometimes when it seems quite right but most of the time it doesn't. And this one is dead middle.
I'm coming home tonight. What can I say? I can't wait.
I still have that cold.
I'm gonna miss blogging everyday. Everytime I try to write it when school starts, it becomes either too bland or I'm too busy to even check it.
Since I got a digital camera, I'm going to start photographing little quirks in life and posting em here for more 'spice'. Cause here its just words and words and words.

Why Does it Always Rain on Me?

I absolutely hate this stupid cold that I'm having.
I posted a blog entry (which was completely meaningful compared to the rubbish that I'm going to write now) yesterday about it. Now I can't even taste anything and my nose is blocked 24/7. But the good thing to it is that I'm eating less than I have to so maybe I could lose a couple of those unecessary fats that has been building up inside my enormous stomach.
I like writing in a laptop. It feels more comfortable than the usual. Man, I can't wait till I get my own laptop.
Sometimes I don't like the fact that my parents are so against me going out when I'm in university. I guess it's parents but you know, I can't stay in the dorm forever. I need to go out sometimes but I'm reasonable enough to know not to drink too much and hook up with random guys or anything that could lead me into danger. I'm reasonable enough to put my parent's wellbeing in the top of my list, but if it means not being able to express my freedom of youth (hey that's when you experience freedom the most, in college right?), than we might have a problem. If you don't know, I'm very stubborn in my own views.
I'm going to have some 'friends' or should I say, acquantiences when I move there. While looking at the list of accepted freshmans, I came across a few people that I used to know when I was still kids. I have a couple where I still keep in contact. So I might have some companions when I'm there I guess.
I'm still battling with this stupid flu bug, while at the same time with the stupid hot weather (caused by global warming. On the way home from the mall yesterday, there was these 2 trucks in front us that spewed out black, horrid smoke for like, 2 minutes. It made my head boil).
I can't wait to go home. Philo is great and all, but I'm still not ready to say my final goodbye to Jakarta.

Irreplaceable..

I've been thinking...should I continue this blog when I start college, or start fresh anew? I'm yearning for a fresh new start with a fresh new everything, except for a few treasured memories, nostalgic memorabilia, and also things that can stimulate my intellectual/spiritual areas in my mind.
While others are partying or spending time with their family, I've been going around Philippines, trying to sort my priorities in order. At this moment, I'm suffering from a cold (I seem to have this New Year bug, where I always get at the beginning of a new year) and writing this in front of my dad's laptop in our house at Sucat. Two more days till I finally go back home.
In 6 months, the word 'home' will be hard to mention. Which of the two would I claim home? The place where my first footsteps till my first kiss (unfortunately) took place, or the place where my blood reigns of similarity? So far, I can only say that the first one is the one I can always claim as my home.
Anyway, despite my stupid flu, I managed to go to the school that I was ACCEPTED in. 6th January 2008 should be a day that I never forget. That was the day when I found out that I was ACCEPTED at one of the best private universities in the Philippines. Remember the hard decision that I thought that I had to face in choosing between the two unis? Well the first one that my dad's legacy had chosen me. The first time I went there in this vacation didn't seem to strike me as spectacular. But after learning that this prestigious place had accepted ME (to be one of their 2,000 students), it totally changed my view of them today. It seemed that it was ready to open its arms to embrace me.
Despite of the language differences, I'm pretty confident that I will overcome the hurdle. Not only will it require self-persevverance, but also close support of my family and friends. It's a hurdle that I will have to determine myself to be some sort of a stepping stone towards independence.
I guess you can say that this blog entry is some sort of epiphany. It's been quite some time now since I opened my heart towards you and it feels quite good to do something that I'm confident will get the message through.
Anyhoo, I must go soon. Curfew awaits.
Best wishes,
xoxoxoxo
<3

Together We'll Ring in the New Year..

Yesh yesh. It's the most wonderful time of the year. The time where our minds can say 'Let's start over'. It's the beginnings of new things.
Do I have any New Year resolutions? Asides from trying to balance my school, friends, family, and spiritual side almost equally, I want to become in better shape and do the best I can. I also want to enjoy and live life like I always wanted it to be. I bet you can't get any cliche than that.
I'm currently in the 'getting ready for college mood'. I'm at my sister's dorm right now, and her dormate, along with her mother are here as well, tidying her things up. My sister's at the library, researching stuff to finish her thesis so she can graduate at March. Me? I have absolutely nothing else to do. If she didn't have free internet in her laptop, I would probably die of boredom.
Anyhoo, yesterday I went to the campus of the fallback university in case the first one didn't accept me. What can I say? I think I stated this before but two of the universities have completely different sides. The first one, is more simple and modest. The education has proved to be way better and it's prepares you more for strong discipline and establishes your spiritual faith with God. The only disadvantage to this is the conditions of th'e dorm that I'm going to be living in. My parents chose this not only because my mother has connections to the head officer (they were childhood friends) but it was located within the university so it's like a walking distance. But the conditions are pretty old (and there's no air conditioner!!). I'm not that sort of kikay girl, but I would like to have a cold breeze once in awhile, especially after taking a shower and sweating afterwards, and also the damn Filipino weather!
The second one aka the fallback, is the more prestigious uni than the first one. Not only is it a Jesuit uni as well, but it has more connections to multinational companies. There's more rich-ass college students here.
There both good universities, but you know, the doubts are evident in each .
YOu know what my gut feeling tells me to do? Just enjoy the rest of the 6 months, and wait till they list in accepted graduates and then that's where you start to worry.
FREEDOM AWAITS. despite curfew.