Start Today..

hey ho, what's the dealio?
Yesh, I'm still in the Philippines.
Everything's not alright at the moment. But there are a few issues that you cannot change you know. Maybe the real problem is inside your head. That's called paranoa (is that how you spell it?) somehow. But you know, it may still be the issues surrounding you.
I know I'm not making any sense. My head's spinning, in a good way, I suppose.
I don't know if I still want to live in Jakarta anymore.
I don't know if I want to live here. I don't think I'll fit in, somehow. Well, maybe I'm too scared if I fit in.
I feel depressed/angst/miserable these past few days. I didn't really expect it. Maybe it's PMS. I don't know.
I think I have too many blogs. I have one here, in Friendster, and I'm making one in myspace.com. You know why? I'm adding Fall Out Boy, and other bands profiles there. Plus, there's a chance where more people can see my blog. I know it sounds weird but I always have a door inside me that wants a lot of people to know what I'm feeling. I don't know, maybe, there can be a few job offers? hahaahah Ah, who am I kidding? I bet millions of people like want the same thing. Oh well.
Can't really talk philosophical right now. I'm in a public place, so it's pretty uneasy.
Can't have a chance with you-know-who. It's too unbelievable to imagine. But I'll still like Fall Out Boy no matter what. By the way, I'm thinking when I go back, I'll create a Mix Cd and send it to them. Ha, I know it sounds so damn weird, but I just want to try and see what happens. xo
Fall Out Boy Inc.
Box 219
1187 Wilmette Ave.
Wilmette, IL 60091
The Bottom Line
You don't need more arrogance in your life. Steer clear of the big egos for a while.
In Detail
Working may be the last thing you want to do now, but your loyalty means that a call for help cannot go unheeded. Answer your cell and check your email in case your boss or a coworker needs you; it may be a pain, but your karma will definitely benefit. You'll still have plenty of time to join in on whatever festivities are in the works this evening, and you'll make an even more dramatic entrance if you're fashionably late.

Argh, I still want to visit Chicago. One of my wildest dreams, I guess.
I think I'm going to forget about this in about 5 months time. If I haven't yet, than there's some deep passion inside of me trying to burst out and I'll think of reconsidering. Alright, five months from now, it's the month of MAY.

Yule Shoot Your Eye Out..

sorrry, i can't really type that long cause I'm in an internet cafe - and there are loads of things to do..plus, i don't feel really comfortable writing my blog entry in a public place, ya know?
anyways, i'm just gonna make this brief..
x-mas has already passed..and it's only a couple more dayys till new years. wohoo.
dunno why, i prefer doing things in private instead in public..i really dunno why..i'll guess i'll explain more about it when i feel more secured..anyways, i'll guess i'll paste some lyrics here in the mean tyme..
fall out boy - yule shoot your eye out
These are your good years don't take my advice you never wanted the nice boys anyway and I'm of good cheer cause I've been checking my list the gifts you're receiving from me will be one awkward silence and two hopes you cry yourself to sleep staying up, waiting by the phone and all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breathe to me before you bury yourself alive don't come home for Christmas you're the last thing I wanna see underneath the tree merry Christmas, I could care less happy new years baby you owe me the best gift I will ever ask for don't call me up, when the snow comes down its the only thing I want this year one awkward silence and two hopes you cry yourself to sleep staying up, waiting by the phone all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breathe to me before you bury yourself alive don't come home for Christmas you're the last thing I wanna see underneath the tree merry Christmas, I could care less don't come home for Christmas you're the last thing I wanna see underneath the tree (don't come home for Christmas) merry Christmas, I could care less don't come home for Christmas you're the last thing I wanna see underneath the tree (don't come home for Christmas) merry Christmas, I could care less
i've done nearly all my shopping alreadyyy, but i'm not xactly finished yet..man, this is awkward..i'll guess i'll cut it off right now..
infinite x's and o's.
angelica

Overdrive..

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
OMG! I swear, I thought this trip would be at least fun! I'm going to Philippines (first, we stop over Singapore) and then we go to KL for two fudgin nights! But you know what I just fudgin found out (mind the fudgin, I don't want to curse alot here) that this 'woman' (arrgggghHHH!) is coming with us. I swear, she ALWAYS comes with us! To the church, to the mall, to WHATEVER we go! I know that my dad invites her because she works with him and she lives in the same apartment but still..this is OVERBOARD! I was looking forward to a relaxing time just me and my dad in KL for ONCE! But then this byatch came forward. I swear, when we meet her, I'm going to act all sullen and bitchy. I hate this. I hope she goes back to the Philippines. Our family already has enough problems in our heads and she's making it worse for me. I think the reason why my Dad always invites her is because they're really close friends. They talk a lot in Tagalog, which I can't do. I know they SMS each other alot, I read it in his handphone. Call me crazy, but from time to time, I think he's having an affair or something. Or they're just really close friends. Just thinking about it makes me even madder. Bitch! Who does she think she is? And another thing, I bet my dad paid for her airline ticket and all that crap. She's basically a part of our fuckin family! What the heck?! I swear, I really don't like her, and the way that my dad's treating her like a second daughter or something. She is not a part of our family! NO!
I think I'm jealous. So fudgin what?
I know I swore a few times. So what?
I can't really talk right now cause I'm leaving in about 5-10 minutes. Oh well, happy holidays..NOT!
Thank goodness I have my IPod with me! That'll keep me busy. My ipod is like my best friend in desperate days of boredom where i can escape with my imagination.
*~this just ruined my day*!
confused.teen.
P.S >>> I know that she's going to share the fuckin same hotel room as us. I swear, I swear...this almost just ruined my fuckin day.

Switchblades & Infidelity...

heyyy ho..what's the dealio?
ahh, nothing much is happening. It's around 10:15ish here. I'm chatting with one of my friends while writing this blog, while checking Friendster (by the way, whoever in chances might be reading my blog, please be my friend there, if you have a profile there as well! i'm trying to reserve/personalize a URL so you can check it out) while downloading a Panic! At the Disco song while! reading the latest edition of Spin Magazine with Fall Out Boy in the cover!! Sorry if I'm being so detailed, I'm just trying to make a longer blog, i guess..heheeheh x)
Oh yea, while writing this blog and doing all those, I'm listening to my ipod..the song 'My Heart Is The Worst Kind Of Weapon' is an awesome song, I swear. I love that song to death. I love Fall Out Boy to death. I love Pete Wentz to death. Yesterday, I saw a few chaps talking in an online board how he got Punk'd! Dude, I seriously swear, I really want to see that episode!!!! Argghh! It sucks like hell that episodes and movies and all that come really damn late here in Indo!! ARGGGHH!
Right? What else? Oh yea, I haven't been able to finish that story of mine about him before. I'll try to finish it later if I have time. Anyways, because of a fudgin story I read in the same online board and looking at pictures of the past (I look so damn different, I sort of hated the way i looked before!) I came to one of my usual daydreams and let my imagination running that.. man, you know what? I'll just let it be in my mind forever more. It's sort of embaressing, trust me, I let my daydream and imaginations run over me, and it's really...something that I should keep to myself. It's damn embaressing!
Words can't express how much I want to go to Chicago. There are loads of awesome musicians and actors that come from there. Yup, I think Fall Out Boy comes from there as well. xP Seriously, I really want to go there as hell! Arrggh!
By the way, my friendster URL is www.friendster.com/profiles/dropaheart
ineed to start cleaning the apartment before we leave for Philippines tommorow. I'm so lazy, I swear. I want to watch movies and all that for the rest of the day. I want to go to Philo, but I want to stay here in Indo in my house for awhile, you know? I'll confess I might be a little homesick!! I'm not xactly an admirer of our house in Philo. It's OLD! It's just...really old. Too old, you know? I wish we could live in a better house in the future, if only my dad can get a better job in the future. If only, If only...
Arrgh, just thinking of that house makes me sort of...arrgggh. The only good thing about that house is that it has cable! Wohoo! xP
I'm going to go to this awesome internet cafe nearby the house in Philo, I'll start blogging in a second. I miss that internet cafe! I miss the malls! I miss...shopping there! I miss Tagaytay! I miss...a lot of things, I guess!
sHopping..here i come!!! I'm so excited that i'm going to KL after we go to Philo! Wohooo! EVen more shopping! Mostly, I think i'm going to shop for CDs, clothes, and what else? books, i guess.. I'm sort of confused how many ringgits are equilavent to dollars. By the way, I still need to find The Sound of Musique VCD or DVD for my dad! I know how much he loves that movie!!
One of the things that I really want to do when I get back is to get bangs in my hair. The bangs I used to have is so damn dull right now, it just sits there, dully, on the right side of my har. It's so damn dull, the frustration is building up on it because it's still there.
infinite x's and o's, ==> whoever's reading this!!
angelica loves pete.angelica loves pete.

Singled Out..

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mindworries are washed out to seaSee the changes, peoples faces burnt outlike sun spots on raindropsNow all those feelings those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in timeBut today I've wasted awayfor today is on my mindLeft the only worries I had in my hands away form the light in my eyesHolding tight and try not to hide how I feel cause feelings mean nothingNow all those feelings those yesterdays feelings
will all be lost in timeBut today I've wasted away for today is on my mindYa today is on my mindI can't get awayFeeling so lonelybreaking a part of this love in my heartClose my eyes and move to the back of my mindfeelings mean nothingNow all those feelings those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in timeBut today I've wasted away for today is on my mindfor today is on my mindya today is on my mindI can't get awayI'm feeling so lonelybreaking a part of this love in my heart
In case your wondering, it's the song lyrics to a song that i really like It’s called Yesterday’s Feelings by The Used. They’re pretty hard on emo and screamo, I guess. Sorry, I can’t really tell the types of rock musique. Anyways, yesterday, I went to Chitos after a sleepover in Christy’s. I was supposed to hang out with *Farrah there but then there was a sudden family emergency. Apparently, her mother accidentally swallowed some sort of poison mistakenly for cough medicine and because she has some sort of liver or lung cancer, it could be fatal. Thank goodness she got operated after, and that she is recovering. I talked to her for awhile (even though I was really awkward because I couldn’t really speak bahasa indo and she wasn’t really fluent in English), yea. Thank goodness, she’s alive. *Farrah’s not really open to her mother’s illness. I feel sad for their family, it’s sort of broken. Her real father (not the father her mother is with) is in America, who already is married to another woman) and her sister, I have no clue who’s the real father is. Apparently, her friends outside school are influenced heavily in drugs, and from time to time, they go clubbing together. This went out to the others and now, because it has spread, it gave her a sort of bad reputation. The thing is, she wants to start over and all, but I feel she doesn’t want to give up drinking and clubbing and all that. I mean, I think to myself, you should get rid of the habits that got you in there in the first place, right? If you don’t, there’s a good chance that the bad reputation might start all over and over again. She claims that she doesn’t do as bad as the others, but still, maybe she’s not comparing herself as much towards the others. I really don’t know, but I really hope it’s not as bad as what I heard the others have done.
Recently, her current boyfriend may have f***** another girl, a random girl, good chances it could have been a prostitute along with another guy. And you know who is he – he’s the ex of her! I don’t want to tell you the story of his, it’s even more broken. I don’t understand why she hangs out with people like those – but maybe they have that broken home problem as well.
And after all that, she’s still my best friend. Sometimes I feel intimidated by her, cause our differences are so different. Major contrasts may contradict sometimes but apart from that, I sort of understand her situation and offer her an ear if she wants to talk about it at all. At times, I feel she’s sort of intimidated as well because our family situations are different. She once told me how jealous she was because my family is so together.
But then again, here’s a poem I found in the internet which really speaks out to me. It really explains the feeling I have whenever I tend to experience situations like the one I just mentioned.
Confessions
I'm going through life feeling like it's a dream,I'm not sure how anything is supposed to seem.I get so lost and confused in my very own thoughts,I'll think something, then wonder if I did or not.
I'll start to feel something, then I think it through,Just to be sure that that feeling's true.People often ask me how I'm doing, "Just Fine"Is what I so often find myself replying.
I don't want to tell them, I don't want to speak,For fear that this is all normal, and I'm just weak.Everyone tells me, "You're so strong",I don't want to prove them wrong.
I don't want to admit that I can't cope,That my days are so full of hope.Hope for the strength and the abilityTo finally get myself to see.
No matter how I try, my thoughts are the other way around,I bash, lecture, hurt and put myself down.
'You can do it' --- 'No you can't, don't try again''You deserve happiness' --- 'You deserve nothing but pain''Come on, brush it off. It's ok, get back on your feet'---'No, don't bother, what's the use? You've already been beat'
It's all contradictory, I know,That just goes to show......That I'm lost, I'm confused, I don't understand,I want to be able to ask for a helping hand.
But I'm scared. What if it's all ok?What if everyone goes through it every day?Then it'd be known that I'm just weak and unableTo keep the easiest of things stable.
What if the things that bring me to tears,
Have happened to others every day for years?What if the things that confuse meAre so simple for others to see?
What if the things that cause me to become lost and afraidAre a natural part of everyone else's day?
It would mean that I AM WEAK!!!

Yea, it sort of brings the point across. Sorry if it's sort of confusing because this blog is sort of weird in putting stuff like lyrics and, you know?
Anyways, what else happened? Oh yea, Jessica, Christy and Nesya went over to my house. It was supposed to be just Christy, but then they found out and wanted to come over as well. I think the main purpose because Christy wanted to sleepover in my house was because she really wanted to go the airport to see Anantha. Sadly, I swear I’ll sort of regret this for a part of my life, it didn’t happened. They confessed to each other (FINALLY! After all those months, I swear) that they liked each other. And when the others found out that I knew all along, they sort of got aggravated that I didn’t tell her. But it was really complicated at the time, it’s not like you can just snap your fingers and tell her, because I gave him my word. And I like to think that I tried to push him into telling him, but then I failed. Anantha is the sort of guy that really looks before he leaps, and examines every consequence that might happen. I think the word ‘cautious’ might explain him. I think that’s sort of good and a bad thing, I mean, he should take chances, you know? If I liked a guy who I knew liked me back but then I was leaving, I would try and make a short-term relationship, you know? Nothing too serious, just sort of having fun and imagining all the what-could-have-beens. Oh well, I guess they’ll both move on…in about six or seven months.
The thing is, I’m sort of scared that she’ll get a boyfriend before me. I think it’s going to happen, because psychically, in my opinion and probably the opinions of the others, I think she’s more attractive than me. I know I shouldn’t compare, especially in the outer appearances, but then again, who doesn’t do that nowadays? I don’t know, I’m not as worried as what I’ll feel lonely or whatever, but what the others will think of me. Like, I imagine one of them, laugh at me and say, ‘Hahaha, you don’t have a boyfriend!’ or something like that. Heheehe, I know it sounds sort of lame, but still you know? My personal intuition says that I’ll get my first boyfriend when I’m around 28 or something. I don’t know if that’s the real instinct or just plain sarcasm talking.
I don’t know if they’re making a big issue of being single or it’s just me. I really don’t know..
Anyways, they hung out here. We watched movies and all, we tried to call Anantha, but I didn’t think he would have wanted us to or something. Then, Yonni called Nesya. I have a deep feeling that he likes her. But the thing is, she already has a boyfriend. Ha, imagine the disappointment on his face. He asked us, well actually, HER if she wanted to go to PIM with him. And guess who’s there with them? Mia and Denny! Hahahaahaha, it was pretty funny to us, and we started teasing them about a threesome. Hehehehee, I really think that soon, after because Anantha left and Mia used to have such strong feelings for him, I think Mia and Denny’s going to be together. But I’m not sure whether Denny still has feelings for Christy because apparently, he’s been totally stressed out when he found out that Christy hates him. And you know the reason why she hates him? Because he ‘supposedly’ hates her! I don’t know, it’s very confusing.
I just realized how people talk about themselves nowadays. Most of my friends are, I think I have already accepted it, because I don’t know. It’s just…them. I think I’m talking about myself in this blog. It’s a place where I can criticize and expain and talk about human reality without any one in it know it. If I talk about it with someone else, there’s a good chance it could spread out. And besides, when I talk about myself with someone else, I get all intimidated and all, and then I try to change the subject. And you know what I change the subject to? The person who I’m talking to! I know, it’s very weird. I am a very weird person actually. But I think people have a little bit of weirdness inside of them, even though they don’t want to admit it. I think my fears for talking about myself is either what the person would think of me, or that it’s too much, you know? I don’t know why I’m being so critical of myself towards the opinions and feelings of the others. And I think that writing about it in the blog, or just letting it take the best out of me away, or causing me to stress and all that SILENTLY where no one knows, or do not want to know because they have their own problems and all. I think it’s just my mind wandering, don’t pay attention to it, I probably am not making sense out of all it right now, maybe it’s a thing that only me and my mind can understand.
I noticed before during the sleepover, I was so damn quiet, the reason because I don’t know what to say, or that I’m surrounded by people that I’m not sure gives a big damn out of me, or that I just wasn’t in the mood. Big chances that it’s all of that combined together. Maybe I’m just f***** overreacting. I hear that teenagers tend to exaggerate greatly.
I like people whose experiencing the same things that I am currently experiencing. You know, who can truly express themselves with words and not by talking to other people. Well, maybe we can, but maybe we haven’t found them yet, or maybe, we haven’t realized they have the same sort of thoughts and feelings as we do. I think by writing this, I am isolated by the rest of the environment. Call me an outcast. Whatever. That’s what I am. I’m not trying to be somebody that I really am not.
What am I doing right now? I’m currently importing songs from a few of my CDs to put in my i-pod. I’m not going to use my computer for almost three weeks, cause I’m going to Philippines! Wohoo! I’m going to meet my mother, finally! And shopping *winks*
I was supposed to go to Chitos again today, with my dad, but I don’t know. When he called me and I reminded him, he sounded sort of hesitant. Aww, I really want to go there again. And buy a few tops, skirts, and a bag, and if I can, Converse shoes that’s totally my style. *sighs* if only my dad can be a good mood later. X(
That’s why, I really want a job. In Aksara! Remember I said I like those type of people who stands out from the crowd from their personality, which shines through their style? That’s what I want to be. Different from the other people, but still, manage to have some sort of place in the crowd. I think of myself as very individualistic. Anyways, when I was shopping for the awesome CDs in Aksara, I bought Atticus 3 Dragging the lake. It’s pretty awesome, awesome add to my collection of musique. Thank goodness the majority of songs in my ipod right now are mostly rock, indie musique, but there are some oldies and very few hip hop songs. I think the most embaressing songs that I have are from American Idol, Ashlee Simpson, Avril Lavigne and Janet Jackson. Hahahahah! Anyways, the cashier guy is awesome. He looks like the indo version of that guy (darnit! I forgot his name!) from Foo Fighters, you know, the lead singer, Dave Grohl! Yea, seriously, except that he had long curly hair and a beard, if I’m not mistaken. But his style was awesome, like grunge-ish with a mix of artistic intellectual. He was wearing brown pants with a colorful sweater. I think he’s one of the people who like listening to independent musique while reading a good book. Artistically intellectual, ya know?
I like artistic, intellectual types, you know? Not those whose IQ is like 140 or something, but you know, who can express themselves in their own way, like Pete Wentz. Whose not afraid to stand out from the crowd and whose style is just awesome…I think I’m going to further detail the next time I’m back here in Jakarta.
When I gave him the CD to buy it, he was like (in bahasa, though), ‘you listen to metal, yeah?’. Hahaha, seriously, that guy really looked like Dave Grohl! Speaking of people who look like other people, while I was paying for this pink wifebeater which with a price you just can’t resist, I saw this toddler who looked almost exactly like my sister when she was young! Iswear, it was so similar! I think it was a boy though, but seriously, it was so damn similar!
Alright, what else? Am currently listening to Modest Mouse (their musique is highly unique, and trance-like in my opinion) while it’s being imported. I like to think that my style is vintage rockish. I don’t know yet, but I love clothes like that.
Anyways, I think I’m using the computer too much, it’s been on since the morning. My dad forgot to turn it off right before he went off to work..oh well.. anyways, after I finish sorting out the songs and all, I’ll log off. Alrite..
Infinite x’s and o’s.
Angelica.

Crazy..

iseverybody going crazYYYY? CAN ANYBODY SAVE ME??? >> I got that from a popular Simple Plan song. I'm not a huge fan of Simple Plan, though.
Dude, I feel so insincere about my looks. It's like, I feel so undervalued when guys like L**** and Y**** compare us girls in the classroom. And the worst thing is, I think the girls who have *high ratings* sort of like it for some reason! I think I talked about this before, but right now, there's more info about that based from what happened today.
Arrghh, I just want all this stop, I swear. I want to get rid of the guys that specially like doing this. Those are the guys that I mentioned earlier. Oh gawwsh, I hate this so much, I swear! It's like they choose favorites among us or something based on our looks. Seriously, I really hope this stops. Either that, or (I can't beliveve I'm about to say this) they start having more *respect* for me. I don't know if respect is the right for this.
I keep thinking that, maybe I need a boyfriend to reassure myself that I'm beautiful in their eyes. I don't know why I should care much about what they think of me. That's one of my insecurities that I just confessed. I care a lot of what people think of me, and that makes me sort of 'self-conscious and withdrawn'. And when it's simple things like watching a band or listening to myself or something, I picture myself in my head how do I look like through other people's eyes. I know its a weird thing - but it's one of the things I notice about myself.
In their eyes, I'm like *average*. Based on their opinions, I think I'm just in-between or something. And it's just based on my looks compared to the other girls. And I know that a couple of them (maybe all, I just don't know. This is based on my observances..good gosh, I sound like an idiotic spy or something) sort of enjoy it. Arrghh, call me jealous (am I? I really don't know) but I just don't want them to flash it in front of everyone or something.
Insecurities confessed.
I miss Fall Out Boy. I miss Pete Wentz.I want them to perform here in Jakarta. By the way, I had the weirdest dream they actually performed here. It was weird....

Ha, I'm currently *infatuated* by someone who I never even met. Arrgghh, this sucks a$$
Alright, one of my friends confessed to this guy who she is really really in LOVE with yesterday, but the problem is - he's leaving for London at Friday. Anyways, I knew that he liked her back from a long time ago (yes, I had to keep this secret from her, which was one of the hardest things to do but the fact that I'm the only girl who knew about this kept me from spilling it to her) and I was really darn glad that she did it (she's so in love with him, seriously words can't explain her love for him) and that made him confess his feelings for her as well. One thing that I really regret is that he's fudgin leaving tommorow!!!! A few months ago, he and I had this chat of the chances of having a short-term relationship. I really tried to convince him, but he's the type of guy who plans all the pros and cons, look-before-you-leap, kind of guy that examines every single sort of criteria before he does anything. Yet, everyone loves him and he has a very VERY special place in the class. It's a pity that he's leaving. It's only been a couple of weeks since he officially left school and we have the guys and the girls spilling their sexual confesions. It's also a pity that he left not only because of the awesome relationship he would have had with C****** but a friendship bond between him and me. Besides his crush, I think I'm the closest girl.....friend!!!!! I like that a lot.
xP
But we'll see him in the summer of 2007.
It sucks a$$ I wasn't able to hug him the last day we met (which was yesterday) I really regretted that. Oh well.
He'll always have a special place in our class. Always.
Sometimes I think that C***** will be close with me just because I am close with him. I really don't know. I want our friendship to work even though it's without him now. Tommorow she's sleeping over, and I hope we can be close as we were before.
Let's fall in love from the beginning all over again.
It seems the only guy I want to be with is Pete Wentz. I know that some time from now, I'm going to read this post and realize how *infatuated* I was with this celebrity. But I want it to be some sort of mark. Some sort of memory. Like a tattoo or something.
I want my future boyfriend to have as much similiarities as Pete Wentz.
Alright, my values and all are influenced by myself and peers. OKay, today, L**** and the girls that...have gone further in sexual experiences had confession while the other girls and the other guys (who were like 2 metres behind us). They confessed about their previous sexual experiences. To me it seems that the girls have progressed more than the guys. In fact, the only guy that had any real sexual experiences with another girl is L****. Y**** just sort of tags along - hahahaah, he asked N**** and M** out but they both said NO! *that made sort of feel better, I don't really know why*
Out of the nine girls in our class, I guess that four are sexually active. Half of them already lost their virginities already. Thank goodness there are more girls with their values and beliefs the same as me. It's like during that confession, they actually wanted to tell it, you know? Just to see a guy's reaction, you know? Just to make them imagine what happened and have stupid secret fantasies about them, basically just make them *hotter* and sort of like that. I think they're already sucked into that. I could see that in my best friend, F****. She was like, "Wohoo! I'm the first one (to lose her virginity) while the L**** seriously pretends to gag while she confesses it. I guess it's their game of being a part of cool with this person's sexual experience and this one's as well.
I seriously can't believe that we're talking about people doing these crazy actions freely, you know? I think everyone already knows in the class. I won't mention any, but I could notice that it's becoming a trend somehow. And we're only fourteen-fifteen year olds in 9th grade! It's like they're going to lose their virginity before they reach sixteen or something in 2005. Who knows what could happen in 2007 or 2010? Will this sort of talk happen in 6th grade??
What's my opinion? I sort of understand that when we're with our bf/gf we lose 'control', you know? But I never really experienced, you know? But I heard stories and all that and sort of imagined if was in their shoes and all that. But still, if that ever happens, I think it's better to keep the most intimate parts of it private. But you never know, your bf/gf might tell their friends. It's a definitely a vicious cycle. But who knows? Maybe in years time, it'll be somewhat 'normal' trend in the teenage society. Consider too normal.
You know what I really want? I still don't know whether I want a boyfriend. Maybe I am but maybe I'm just saying that because of all the influences and surroundings of me. If I concentrate deep in my heart....I WANT PETE WENTZ!!! Hahahha, I'm sort of kidding. But..do I really want a boyfriend? I really think that I just haven't met the person that has all the qualities. I am finally writing this so I can get it off my head. If I get it off my head, maybe it will able to happen. I know that sounds sort of..ridiculous, but still.....you know?

• I want a guy that looks like Pete Wentz. xP
• Someone who preferrebly plays guitar or bass. AND CAN SING! >>>>>>>> IN a band. So I can join as well! xP xP
• Good personality - who's lighthearted during the lighthearted moments, whose serious in the serious moments. Who can make me laugh. Who I can depend on when the going gets tough.
• Who is not embaressed with public displays of affection.
• Good kisser with good 'moves'...a must.
• Who can seriously write. Poetic yet real and serious >>>> Pete Wentz!
• Who can make the first move in all times. Like a real guy. (yeah, call me old-fashioned!!!!) A DEFINITE MUST HAVE!
• Who all my friends like (not in that way, but just like, 'aw, you guys make the CUTEST COUPLE!!!')
• Who the guys could be friends with (prefer a guy whose not in my school. remember, absence makes the heart grown fonderr...pete wentz *sighs*)
• Buys me presents xP treats me like a princess..
• ROCKER style + attitude. Alright, I must admit if you hadn't noticed, that I'm creating an outlook from what I see in Pete's personality.
• Who doesn't do drugs. I know that sounds seriously weird, but you know, who has absolutely STRONG values. Non'smoker, please.
• Whose friendly with families. xP
• Who looks good in photos.
• Who likes hugging and cuddling!!! I love that!!!!!
• Most important thing of all >>>>> who accepts me for who i am. who accepts my flawed personality as i accept his. who likes me for my personality not only as looks.
• oh yea, one more thing. he must like musique like FALL OUT BOY!

I feel so self-absorbed when I say stuff like this. In my opinion, so..self-absorbing.. I kinda doubt that a guy like that would appear, and if he would, i really don't know if he'll like me back. Argggh, i wish that guy could find me. The thing is, I don't know when!!!! I just hope so badly..

I just like that feeling in my schedule. Like it's my commitment. You know? Like, every Friday, I have a date with him. After I go home from soccer, I take a soccer, get myself ready, and I go to Chitos or PIM or even in some special hangouts, these really awesome resteraunts and cafes in Kemang *sighs*....When we watch movies, we cuddle, we make out, and all that.. Not only we're comfortable with the pyschicalness but the mindess as well - like we can talk about almost everything, you know? Like we'll ever run out of things to say or something. I don't want that. And then he drops me off, I go back home, remember all the stuff we did. Argggghh, i want that SO BADLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i really hope when i get that, i don't use it to show off towards my friends. i hope the most intimate parts are left off private and not just an 'OMG! issue of friend talk. you know what i mean?

my thoughts are all drained out. i think i need a break. i think i'll clean my lyric book or notes or whatever, or clean the house before christy comes over tommorow. hope it'll be fun!

infinite x's and o's.

*angelica*

Someday We'll Know..

Fall Out Boy rocks my socks.
OMG..I want to cry right now, I swear. Alright, I checked this internet station near my school, and I swear, it sort of SUCKS! The one near my house in Philippines is so much better I swear. It's so fast and all. Oh well, there goes my chances in watching the Fall Out Boy videos. Oh well, for Rp.6000, it's a good price, I guess. I guess I need to wait till I go to Philippines in the 23rd, and I could go to that awesome internet cafe. Wohoo! Okay, my mom just found out that her breast cancer is in the 2nd stage. Thank God it isn't the 3rd or 4th stage. When I asked my dad which was the really serious stages and he said the 3rd or 4th stage. Thank goodness. I guess I'll search for more info on that. This morning, my dad called her and I got the chance to talk to her. She was crying. Oh my gosh, it almost broke my heart. She just kept on saying 'I love you I love you'. I'm really scared actually. I don't want her to die. Even though I don't show it, I'm really damn worried. When Pak Andrew was talking to me about her, it came back to me once again. Arggh, I hate that! I feel sort of left out yet I'm friendly with people in school. You know, it's pretty hard. It's like, I know there are a few major secrets that people are spreading without me knowing. I know it's nothing about me, but still. I know that people here are sharing a secrets and all, and I'm like, in the middle of it, you know? I think maybe's it's because I don't have any secrets of my own. I don't know. I just...don't know. Oh yea, that story about Pete Wentz, I guess I'll continue that back at home. I'm not really comfortable explaining that here. Hahahahahaah.. Someone with a scary reputation is really a pussycat -- with a soft spot for you. In Detail Feeling like you're at a bit of a dead end in the work department isn't the most pleasant thing, but a discussion of your longer-term dreams in this area gives you a sense of hope again. You're open to new ideas -- and possibly even to the idea of taking a rather big risk. Feeling like you have to make a decision about it immediately, though, is a little too much pressure. Engage your brain and a creative solution will emerge.
Note: This entry was written yesterday. Sorry, I didn't have enough time to actually paste it here so I saved it in my Friendster blog and pasted it here.
Alright. I really want to talk about my mom. I know I should pray my hardest. I do, but I just think that sometimes it's not enough, you know? And, I just found out today when one of my mom's friends came over to give a present and all, that my mother doesn't want to undergo chemotherapy treatment. I was sort of suprised, my dad didn't tell me anything about this. And I don't know why she didn't want to do it. I later heard that after the treatment, you're really susceptible to infection. That means that it's really easy for you to get an infection and all. I just really hope that she undergoes some sort of treatment that can work (it's all in God's hands) and she passes the 5 year mark. Oh God, I really hope so.
I need to start researching for new treatments cause the only one I know is only chemotherapy.
My school is starting to get really..odd. In a bad way I guess. It's odd in my opinion for two reasons. One, is my social life. I've said this before, I think I'm like, cut out from the social circle. Today, in some parts, I never felt so lonelier than before. And I always remember thinking the same thing when I was feeling that. I hope that someone is watching me.
It's just that friends I thought I had had secrets, but they never seem to tell me. It's like I'm the last person to know or something. Well, I sort of realized, maybe I must be hanging out in the wrong crowd and neglecting the right crowd I should be hanging on to or something. But here's the problem - ahh, I just don't know now. My head's swarming up with a bunch of insecurities. But there's one thing that I realized - I always separate two groups from our social circle, that's why I'm creating these insecurities. It's like, I really want to be in this one, but I realize that I belong in the other one. Like, I feel more 'myself' and all, but still, you know? I have been hanging out closely to the ones I feel really weird now. I just don't know..you know??????????????????
It's like, when I hangout with them, I feel so..undervalued or something. Like most of them share their love lives, I don't have any right now. I don't like anybody, and I'm in between enjoying it and NOT enjoying it because of this situation. Like, Jessica's going out with Aryo, and there doing some stuff that only Nesya and Christy and Fanny know, probably Michelle knows as well/
I know it sounds really fudgin ridiculous, but the only person I want to be with right now is Pete Wentz. Ha, it sounded so gay x(

Unopened Letter To The World..

Fall Out Boy ==> You guys inspire me so much...

You guys rule my heart..

Fall Out Boyy==> You rock my world.
Pete Wentz. oh gosh, how long is this supposed crush will last? It seems *almost* forever!! It’s sort of decreasing and increasing at the same time, you know? But still, I want him soooo much!! I bet there are a million of girls (or guys as well) that probably have the same feeling as I do – wanting a rockstar in their arms and knowing that your *special* someone cares about you in a totally different way compared to his fans and friends. Ahhh, who am I to joke? I totally know that my chanes with him are probably slimmer than people running stark naked all around the world for the next 20 years (sorry, that’s the thought rushing through my weird mind right now. My mind is not THAT negative, it’s just thinking the irony of really having a chance with the Pete Wentz!). Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me – it’s like I sometimes really think I’m over him, than I don’t know, when I read anything about him, the feelings instantly rush back. Arrghh, I hate it!

I should really stick more lyrics here, huh? Hahaha, I will, when I have time. Pasting lyrics here is one of my goals that I’m trying to fulfill. Hahaha, wanna hear them? Aite..hmmm, one is to find a job. I really need a job, I swear. I am starting to feel really guilty for always asking my dad for cash. My dream job this days is working in Aksara bookstore in Chitos. Think about it, working in a BOOKSTORE! I just love it there – the atmosphere, the presence, everything! Words can’t express how much I want this job! But the thing is, I don’t know if there’s even a job opening! How stupid is that? I know it sounds stupid, but I want to earn my own money. I think I’m asking my dad for too much – and there are quite a lot of stuff that I want to get. I want a job so badly. I want more responsibility so I can prove myself how I can do this. One thing though – do bookstores around here hire 14-year olds?
Another thing that I want to do is to complain to the apartment we are currently living in. I don’t know, when I was cleaning it the other day, I just realized how the ceilings look so messed up. I don’t know – it probably has something to do with the plumbing problems or something. It’s like, creating a mess in our ceilings and believe me, it’s not a pretty sight. My mom got really pissed (that time, I didn’t really see what all the fuss was all about but now, I totally understand her) before she left in the Philippines.
By the way, I just realized that my dad and me really have to adapt living on just the two of us. We need to find a way to clean the house, especially take down the Christmas decorations, and all the things my mom previously handled. It’s going to be quite hard, I think, but I hope we’ll pull through..TOGETHER!
Alright, the other thing, is complaining why we don’t have cable here! IT’s so unfair, I swear! I really hope I could make a really convincing complaint so that’ll change their frickin minds!!! If it doesn’t turn out, oh well, at least I TRIED!
OMG..OMG..OMG.. I just found a Fall Out Boy website with awesome new pictures of them! I swear one of them has Pete without any shirts! OMG I love his body..OMG I love his body..it’s so HOT I swear. I LOVE IT SOOOO MUCH!! OMG I just can’t stop staring it – it’s just so hot and gorgeous…and *sighs*..
I know I said this before, but he’s got everything a girl could wish for. He’s tall (nahh, I heard he’s pretty short, but that’s totally alright in my book!), dark (yep, yep, I love his tan skin color!), and handsome (NO DOUBT ABOUT IT! he’s also gorgeous, HOT, cute, beautiful…the list goes on and on)
My current dreams were circulating around me not just too long ago. A dream that was probably dreamt by some other person as well, probably and other little points were changed due to different thoughts and perspectives in our changing, diverse minds. One night, I went to Chicago. I went to see Fall Out Boy live. It’s not those mosh-pit scenes, no. It’s one of their secret shows – where there is only a few people who’ve managed to find them. It’s in a small club, in my case, an all-ages one. Either that or somehow I’m a couple years older. Anyways, it’s only me, but probably there’s a friend but it’s somehow not the focus in this dream. She’s just the ‘background’ you know? Anyways, the music they play is not those fast, pop-punk music but it’s the songs where the lyrics (which Pete wrote) totally catches your attention. In this dream though, it catches my heart.
I’m just sitting there, probably drinking a non-alcoholic drink. I’m totally relieved that it’s just a few people out here. They seem to be imprisoned by the relaxed, emotional atmospheric of the stripped Fall Out Boy. I myself have been totally restrained by their expressive music. Yet, at the same time, I still can’t believe myself that I am about 3.5 meters away from Pete Wentz. I try my hardest to pay attention to the music, but his presence just takes my breath away.
After playing a few songs, they decide to play ‘I’ve Got A Bad Idea In A Dark Alley That Says You Should Just Shut Your Mouth’ for the first time in a public appearance. I personally know this song is about Pete and how he had expressed his innermost emotions during making FUCT, the pressures, the fears, everything. It terrifically describes where he couldn’t take the black menacing waves of his own depression and decides to take a handful of Ataven pills, a form of medication where it was thought to *cure* the depression. He pops the CD of his previous FOB album and decides to call his family and friends. When he called his manager, who was worried about his slurred speech and voice, had decided to call his mother. Eventually, she found him slumped back on his carseat.
His thoughts overflowing Patrick’s voice had already been captured into the minds of the audience. As I see the audience, their faces are utterly absorbed by the words of his confession. Some were even mouthing the words as Patrick sings. I steal a quick glance at Pete, and I see him smiling at the audience. How the bond between the band and the audience is getting stronger and stronger by the second. But as I see him smile, I could sense how he hides an emotion. A feeling that words cannot put across it…
TO BE CONTINUED!!!

infinite x's and o's.

angelica

Dancing When The Stars Go Blue..

heyy..ho..what's the dealio?
hehehe, aite, so it's Sunday noon right now, and I'm currently downloading Fall Out Boy songs now. Speaking of Fall Out Boy, remember that person I told you about? Well, she just chatted with me and said that she *is currently addicted to FOB right now*. Hmm, I guess you know who got her there, huh? I don't know why but that really really PISSED me off A LOT (believe me) before. But then, I realized that I don't blame her, their an awesome band, and she's not the only person besides me whose been sucked into their vacuum. And if she continues to copy my style (I sound so arrogant!), I'll pity her, cause she can't seem to find her own style and all. Oh well, her loss.
That was a lesson for me, the next time I discover something that's really cool, I shouldn't be parading it around my friends. Well, from time to time it's alright I guess, but aahhhh.... this is so not the way I want explain it. Let's just say I'm very individualistic - and I'm on the midst of finding my own identity.
I have learned lessons, I can't really explain it here right now, but I know I discovered them. I guess I'll just keep it inside my head for the moment..
I just finished watching One Tree Hill. Man, it's awesome! I want to start watching it again, because I don't know, I didn't seem to enjoy like I wanted it to towards the last feepisodes. I wanted to be like, you know, all hands-biting and shouting my head off in the finale. But I just acted fine. It's hard to explain, maybe it's because I have other things in my mind, but I don't want that! It's like, I keep constantly reminding myself that it's just a teenage soap and I keep wondering what they are really feeling inside when they are playing the part, like I focus in their every move. It sort of ruins the moment. I admire the story the mo*morals* they try to get out, and it's just, really honest, in my opinion.
The music in it is awesome!! It's totally from underground artists, and it really captures the emotions because the director and all focus on the musique during the scenes. I heard it's because they're really huge fans of musique.
Nathan + Haley >>> FOREVER!
Peyton >>> my idoL!
Alright, what else? If I compare this to my Friendster blog, this one is so much more meaningful, I swear. All I do there is complain and all. Hahahahahahaha xP
Yesterday, I cleaned my butt off by brooming, sweeping, mopping, and all that in my small apartment. I admit, it really made me pooped. I can't believe how much dust and hair can pile in less than a week. After cleaning, it made me really cranky and I wanted to sleep till eternity. Argggh, cleaning the house is alright, I guess. It tests myself how much can I do it, you know? My dad's is going to find a maid that can come at least once or twice a week to help us out. I hope it's alright. There are still Christmas decorations all over the place, and I'm worrying how we are going to put it all away, cause my mom usually does that. Especially the Christmas tree. Arrggh, I hope we can settle this. x( It's going to be pretty hard, my dad's sort of lightloose, like when I asked him about this, he just shrugged and said tht that we'll just leave it (i know he was just kidding). It's seems like he has already enough with his work and all. Whenever I ask him for something, he takes it absentmindedly. I haven't noticed it till now. It's beginning to get sort of aggravating. After that, I noticed it made a not-so-hard-wall between us. I just don't know.
Last night, after we went to church, we went to Chitos along with that woman that always keep trailing us (it's sometimes really REALLY annoying!). It's like, we have no privacy every after church or something. I know my dad doesn't mind, he keeps inviting her that's why. Arggh! Oh yea, at Friday, some of us decided to go to Chitos and watch a movie. I watched 'Just Like Heaven' instead of 'Chronicles of Narnia'. It's pretty bittersweet, romantic comedy. Heheehehehehehe. That was pretty fun, but sort of short because a couple of us had to leave early, including me. A couple still stayed at Chitos, but I didn't really feel comfortable at the moment to stay with them cause at that moment, I felt really self-conscious in what we'll do if it was just us, and then I decided to tell my dad to pick me up in one of my friend's houses.
One of my top wishlists in the future is getting a job. I really want a part-time job. I admit, it's pretty hard getting one here in Indonesia in the age of fourteen. One of my dream jobs is working in Aksara. Hahaha, I don't know what to do. I'm scared to ask my dad for help, like you know, my parent is helping me talk to the person for a job. I'm scared to do it alone. But I really need the money. Ahhhh, the woes of a desperately confused teen. xP xP
Alright, enough worrying. I'm gonna paste some pics of FOB (agen!!!)

HOTT.

Reinventing The Wheel Before I Run Myself Over..

he is one fine hottie xP xP *!*i (heart) pete wentz!!!~*~* Has anyone noticed he's wearing a harry potter shirt?
brothers and sisters.
Aite, just wanted to share today's Leo horoscope (btw, Leos sorta rule xP)
Every day offers you a chance to learn something new -- especially today. Enjoy it.
In Detail
The lion's definitely in a no-bull mood -- you're saying what you mean and meaning what you say, forcefully. Meanwhile, your tolerance for watching others beating around the bush is perhaps at an all-time low. Yours may not make for the most pleasant communication, but at least everyone comes out knowing where they stand -- and that's the kind of new knowledge you can really use at the moment. Afterward, move on to learning more enjoyable things.
that's so on today. heheheehe xP
Some of us decided to go to Chitos. That's where I moved on to learning more enjoyable things. Does money buy happiness? At first, I really thought so, but then again, we should start appreciate the fine things in life that money can never ever buy. If it somehow finds a way to money, it makes it all sort of *fake* and all. Can't really explain it, but still, I know it's hard to NOT get influence in an environment that is so full of it, I swear. But I realized, we really start to appreciate (APPRECIATE! That's my new favorite word!) our family, friends, and most of all, yourself.
There are some people in class where I'm not really comfortable with - nothing serious, really, I totally have nothing against them but when it's just two of us, it's really difficult on what to say, I really prefer it when it's three or more people, you know? I just really hate it - I feel really guilty and just uncomfortbale at the same time. I guess you can say it became an irrational (is that the right word?) fear that is developing on me. Looking forward to overcome it.
From my point of view, there is one friend of mine that I used to be really close is starting to drift away. I think one of us had noticed something different (hmmm, I don't know, like talking behind one's back). Btw, what talking behind someone's back about? Is it making some s*** up about someone, or just expressing one's feelings towards one's actions and all? Ahhhh...anyways, this girl is definitely starting to change. And one reason to blame is the influence some us had surrounded her. I know that people won't admit that, probably they knew it all along, or they refuse to blame themselves and point their finger towards someone else. I don't know, it's just so..different. I bet she enjoys the attention she gets from the boys, and in school, she gets sorta...i don't know that word. Like, overly too focused, you know? And I must admit, she's the smartest girl in our class, and whenever someone gets higher than her, I can tell she's really suprised and all, *like after all, she's the smartest girl.* I don't know whether we're just jealous, and that was a vital part into noticing that she was different, I don't know. Our close friendship - really different from all the friendships earlier, but not better. It's just..close, you know? Like we have the similar perspectives in school, friends, and the current situation in school. We understand it, and I like to call our conversation as 'intellectual chat'. Now, that I noticed she changed and all, and I act sort of different towards her, and I really know that she notices it. And that's how we drifted apart. Two things that sort of triggered it - one, is her really close relationship with a guy friend that I used to be close to, until I noticed he had some feelings for me. What kept me away from him was that I really didn't know whether I had feelings for him, and the fact, tha he knows that I knows, and the endless criticisms of his physical appearance with my friends. Some are really harsh - but I can't tell whether what we laugh at about him is really mean critical or just lighthearted fun. I don't know - but truthfully, it sorts of tilts toward the really mean and critical part. I sort of want it to stop, but then again, it's something that we friends do, but then it's mean.
The other thing is that she is starting to develop my rising passion for expressing feelings and emotions. I mean, okayy, I have this unhealthy addiction for Fall Out Boy. I start talking my ass off about this band, and now she's all *addicted to them or something. It's sort of annoying - you know, she starts to comment how addicting is the songs, and then she starts looking for their lyrics and put em in her MSN name. First, it was alrite and sort of flattering, you know, but then you get that sense of trailing behind you..argggh!
I got here addicted to Green Day (I used to have this crush on Billie Joe before and I told her all about it, then now, it's her idol of the moment), the songs 'Let Me Go' & 'Things I'll Never Say' and 'Dance, Dance' (this is where it sort of got tense) and finally, 'Seven Minutes in Heaven'. It's like, she gets addicted to a song where I used to be addicted to - when she liked 'Dance, Dance', I was addicted to 'Seven Minutes In Heaven'..and now she is!!! ARGGGHHHHH!
That's the not the worst thing - she asked me if she can borrow my Fall Out Boy CD! ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I think I'm getting the Peyton Sawyer vibe from One Tree Hill..I totally admire her! I love her style, her attitude (it ain't perfect, but it's defintely something I can relate to), her art (I am starting to get interested in sketches and all) and most of all, her taste of music. I totally admire her expertise in the field of rock music. I mean, her room is full of her artwork (I love that! But I admit, I am not that artistic!) while she has like tons and tons of CDs and Vinyls (i love those..*sighs, but you can't get them here in Indonesia. Well, maybe you could, but it'll probably be too rare or something. Her taste in musique is awesome, everything just rock. You know it, grunge,punk,alternative, ALL! No Simple Plan or Good Charlotte or whoever. It's basically just underground and INDIE!!! I absolutely love that!! *by the way, as I'm typing this right now, I am listening to some cheesy 'I Miss You Like Crazy' song in the radio. It's so full of it, I swear. I hate it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to have an expertise in rock like hers. Since the rock that she likes isn't really available in CDs, I usually check out in Aksara Bookstores (their CD collection is awesome! I found a Panic! At the Disco record there but the next time I went there, it wasn't there anymore! Arggh! If I can't do that, I try to download them online. Mostly bands that were recommended from Fall Out Boy (like their influences, lolz) and a few rock websites (Nirvana).
I want to develop the rock girl style. You know, like unique vintage shirts and skirts, with the studded belt and black nail polish, black jewelry, and rings. Not too *rock*, you know, like those gosh-awful stockings and all *shudders*. Definitely a mix between vintage-rock glamour. Awww, that's awesome. Something like a mix between Peyton Sawyer and Alex from the O.C. I hope hthis rock trend could stay inside me for a long tyme..who knows, if I get into the peasant skirt and tops, I would need to get a whole new wardrobe! I can't wait to go to Philippines (one, because I get to see my MOM and Sister! I miss them so damn much!) to see this vintage shop that my sister introduced me too. I bet when I go there I would shop for so many shirts!
Roxy, Billabong, all those brands are so darn expensive! But I realized, from a magazine, is to get the basics before you buy anything. The basics should be something that could always be worn with multiple clothings. So far, I only like this bag (Rp.145,000 - one of the cheapest prices *coughs* out of their accessories, I swear), this top (I'm not entirely sure about this one, because you can get similar tops with the same style in cheaper prices), and at least a skirt! Ohh, and black Converses as well, I really need those! They are like, the basis for any rock styles, they can fit into almos anything. I must say there is also a few accessories and jewelry that I would love, but I'll wait till I am*financially secured*. A Roxy skirt will probably fit into any of my tops. I just have to find the right one.
Black nail polish is so damn awesome.
I wish I can get a job right now. I feel so guilty for taking my dad's money - when the fact jumped back to me once again that my dad's credit card bills add up till Rp.80 million. I still don' t know our current financial situation, but I'm better at the dark. I don't want to face the negative side. Not a full-time job, mind you, but something like a free lancer or whatever, just to earn some spending money that i can SHOP!
Alrite, after getting the fact of our current financial situation (my dad can't my report card this week, where it's actually our report card day because he didn't pay it yet.) I want to get off before our bill gets too high. I admit that i spent a lot of time in the internet.
*one of my best written blogs.
*i love pete wentz.
infinite x's and o's.
angelica.lynn.alexandra.garcia*~~~

In This Diary..

it's the real me this time. this post is really going to express myself.
as i'm writing this, 'don't cha' is blasting endlessly in the radio i'm in. sort of ironic, cause that song is the type of song that i really don't enjoy.
black polish is so in right now. i just put on some while watching one tree hill (where some parts I found were a bit cheesy but hey, it's a teenage soap opera!). I got to admit, it's pretty messy, but ahhh, who gives, ya know?
I'm planning to grow my hair long - it grows really fast. i have to admit, i sort of have an admiration for my hair. I like it that it's dead-straight, although there are times where I wish for curly or at least! wavy hair! hahhahaah, yet right now, i feel sort of 'punkish', well, not exactly like that, but you know the, 'get-creative-with-your-inner-self-with-the-black-attitude'. I guess it's a phase where most teenagers tend to face whilst discovering themselves. Anyways, yea, I'm planning to grow my hair long - right now, it's around my chest, but I'm going to give it till it touches my stomach. I'm sick and tired of growing my hair till the length it is right now and deciding to cut it till it's on the tip of my shoulders. I've grown through that phase and, I want to try something new for once. hhehehehe xP
alright, what else is new?! I really want my mom to come home, but there are a few matters that made me quite enjoy the leave. It's definitely not because my mom, I love her to death. I think about her everyday, yet I have yet to discover that I am on the road to self-discovery, and because of that, I tend to think more about myself. But later, I feel really guilty because of that. I'm trying my hard to think more about others, and less for myself.
My skin is so brown right now, from all the sunshine we've been getting lately. The event that made me look like s*** was the Sticky Day, where we had to be under the sun for A LONNG time! The bra I was wearing left me with a mark, it's so damn ugly! I really want whiter skin, like light-brownish tannish, like my sister! Right now, I look like TOAST! Speaking of Sticky Day, there's this dude from a guest band that's been messaging me from Friendster. He sent me a short message saying that he met me in Sticky Day and thought I was cute. Okayy, I got to admit, I was sort of flattered, but I didn't actually believe it. I really thought at first he was mistaking me for Christy or whoever. But then I found out he was actually talking about me! It's pretty weird..
I got to admit, I admire the flattery I get from guys. Problly because I feel sort of 'under-quality' compared to the other girls in my class. Alright, I really want to talk about it, but yet, I feel that I shouldn't be judging people from their looks. Anyways, it seems that people nowadays tend to judge people for their exterior looks, not their inner personality - which truly makes a person more beautiful. I myself think that if the personality is type-A high quality to a girl, that makes him even more HOTTER to her. If sucks that we are all surrounded by this new trend and that one by one, we slowly but surely, get influenced deeply by this. I myself think that I already got influenced by this.
OMG, my computer needs to love me! OMG! please tell me that it can download and let me see Fall Out Boy's DANCE DANCE! OMG, please pretty please..I watched this before but I had visitors and I couldn't get to enjoy it and all..I know I'm talking crap but still...I need to see their musique videos!!! I tremble and fall when I hear them..and then I lose my interest in whatever I was doing before.

Move Along..

okayy... i sorta get some news - nothing really big, really

• i'm so quiet nowadays - i am beginning to realize it. it's not that deep down inside i want to be loud, well, actually i do, but the thing is, i feel so much comfortable quiet then loud. prolly that's the reason why i act hyper only whenever i'm surrounded with my close friends. i don't know whether it's a good thing or bad thing, but there's still a part of me where i feel i don't really belong at the moment. i really don't think it's because of my mom's recent diagnosis, it's just that, i think my life is sorta boring, and because of that, i start thinking of questions inside my head to ask that person. it pretty sucks, i really envy the people who have a million things to say towards one another. it seems like that whenever they're with me, they don't know what to say or something. i hate that. but now, i feel better with myself, after all, i am right after school, cause my mom's not here anymore :( my best friend is starting to talk about bf stuff around the gals who have bf as well - stuff like how they make out, how it feels like, etc. it really makes me feel sorta sucky because i never had a bf before. i really just don't want to be the last one, you know? i haven't met the right one just yet, and i'm betting that'll appear when i'm 30 something.
• my love life sucks. the only thing that keepin me going on is that at least i'm not the only one, you know? argggh, it aggravates me that i haven't found the right one yet.. it seems the only guy that suits me is some fudgin rock star..(can you say..pete wentz?).. i know it sounds lame and all, but i see something through him - his works and all. his comments in his journal and interviews as well. he does such an awesome job at expressing himself - words can't express how i look up on him. plus, he's so lush!!! plus, i really don't think that if i like a guy that at least has my standards, the guy would like me back.

talk about teenage miseries. how misery loved me.

• musique. one of the things that brighten up my life. i'm still definitely listening 2 fall out boy - it's like i can't seem to get enough of them. it fudgin sucks that i still don't have cable - i can't see their musique videos! but i really hope since i might go to an internet cafe tommorow - that the internet connection might be DSL or any other fast one, and i can download and see the videos. oh gosh, i really hope so. i noticed my feelings for him have started to decline, and i don't want that honestly! with all my surroundings have at least an interest, i don't wanna feel left out as i already almost am! my home's internet sorta is slow, its so annoying!
• sometimes i feel like i'm experiencing deja vu or something within my blogs. when i write something, it feels that i had already written before, you know? its weird, cause it's true - i might have expressed it before in earlier posts.
• knowing from my earlier words, i guess you can say i developed a fear of being the odd one out of the group. i really don't want to, but i want to respect my boundaries, i'm pretty sure that they respect mine, and while i'm trying to find it, there enjoying themselves with their new experiences. i hate feeling left out. it's the worst feeling in the world
• dude, there's something wrong with my eye. it's not exactly itchy, it just feels that something foreign inside it and its really fudgin irritating. i had the red eye last night while watching one tree hill. i hate it!
• things are going well with my mother, i guess. since it's my dad's bday today, i think he called her up and i got a chance to talk to her for awhile. even though her voice was enthusiastic i really could tell that she was keeping her tears welled up. you know, her voice started breaking. that almost made me cry myself. but then i held my head up - and continued playing the fall out boy songs. i know that she'll fight this sickness, i just know it. but my fears for her getting it once again or even me or my sister getting it is not as certain as it. i know that doesn't really make sense, but still. i really hope she's going to be okay. my Christian faith is somehow starting to increase - SLOWLY! i want to increase my faith slowly but surely, not fast and..NOT surely..i totally believe in my Catholic faith. i have totaly respect for it and all, but the problem is actually following it you know?
• i hate guys in our class. its such a FUDGIN SHAME that we are forced to spend the rest of our school lives with them. yet, i want their attention. umm, attention and respect as well. they really don't do anything, but that's the thing, you know? the guys are starting to focus on our physical appearances. they start 'cat-calling' and you know..observe the hot girls. i like to think myself as the in-between, not the hottest but not the low-rated either. like..in-between, you know? but sometimes i feel the pangs of jealousy come when the majority of hot girls are being noticed by the guys. well, that's my feeling. i spilled it out. sometimes, i think that some of my friends also tend to experience the same thing. i really hate to say this, but the only thing that keeps me going on is that i'm not exactly the low-rated ones, and the fact that they're are low-rated ones (i really fudgin hate this, i hate those words! it makes me sound so cruel, you know?) is that the guys will pick me instead of them. i know it's such a horrible feeling! i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it!!!!!!! that's why i hate those guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why can't they have guys that judge from their personalities as well, you know?!!!!!!!!!!

i feel like moving school. having a new life. but the thing is, the only place where i really want to go is just a dream inside my growing imagination. i don't think there's a place in the real world that i could feel accepted. :( i've been a cibun student for nearly all my life.

my heart is an open wound without you

brothers and sisters,

xoxoxoxo

XO here i go...scream my LUNGS OUT! from trying to get to you..you are my only one.. xO

angel?!?! angel-ica