How Can You Be So Sure?

Arggh. Slow connection’s began to rise. Let’s hope the paychecks start rolling in. To wipe off our existence of irresponsibleness. To wipe off whatever that keeps the world go round. IN a bad way – of course.
I do a whole lot of complaining in most of my blogs. I’m willing to change that, somehow and soon.
I found out some bad news awhile ago – I can’t really say much in particular, but it made me realize. Again. Seriously though, it’s really mind blowing. I remember laying in my head, just dazed and shocked about the news. You never really know how much it all means until you really lose it – it’s devastating to hear it. You feel guilty of what you should have done, blame yourself for being so selfish, and because of that, your self-hatred arises. And then, all the time you have left, is spent trying to make up for all the time wasted.
I just it turns out right for all of them. They’re good people, really. My heart goes out to them.
I’m turning, I’m changing, I can feel all of it. But the road is still out there – and I feel like I’m just started walking. Not really running. As much as I want to, I steady my feet into slow rhythm – to keep everything else around me cause I’m so used to it. I know it sounds really cheesy, but, when can it all break free?
The tapestry is starting to unravel by my naked hands.
Time. It ticks you if don’t have time, but then, you wish it could go faster in the other times. Thank goodness it ticks to its own beat – we all got to make with it, because there’s no other choice.
I’ll stop substituting from words I feel like is poetic.
I wish summertime will just go on. Not end by the time of July next month. I like watching. I like relaxing. I like reading. I like everything about it. The only thing(s) that are missing are stuff that can be replaced by sheer, mild entertainment which sometimes leave you hanging on, or sometimes wishing for it even more.
Wordless.
My summertime isn’t exactly like swimming on the beach, hanging out with your friends, finding summer love. As much as I want to do all that, I’ll just keep hanging on for hope, summer after summer. I know one day it will happen – when you least expect it do, because it seems that everything that you (used) to want will eventually get to you, but by the time, you got your eye on something else.
Sometimes it feels all contradictory. I want to be a part of the group, but then I want to stand out. When I publish my story in a fingerprint of the whole society, I just don’t want to be another typical blog, compared to what I read in the blogs. I want to belong to the group where they actually read what I wrote. And I can read what they write – and not because I just want to be a part of the group, but because I want to know and actually feel something that’s not from the heart of mine. But then I feel stuck. Like, there’s no where else to go sometimes.
I guess I shouldn’t rely on anything anymore
“I can't take anything with actors that seriously. I save such feelings for REAL LIFE.”

Champagne From a Paper Cup..

sometimes the people who have the most innocent reputations tend to destruct twice as hard as the ones with a less 'innocence' in them. i can't really describe the situation, but i just recently found out that the dad of one of my close family friends might be having an affair. this comes as pretty serious to me, despite that our community is strongly Catholic. i sort of realized how really complicated marriage is - no marriage is perfect. i sort of knew that all along from watching all those TV shows but i never really had accepted the fact that it really much happen in reality. what i mean reality, is like, people i do know. arggh. it's really shocking, the dad seemed really nice and quiet, looked really like 'the perfect father'. but argh, looks can definitely be deceiving.
from what my mom told me about this, i really like to hope that my dad isn't one of those who give in to temptation easily. i mean, the wife of the guy mentioned earlier before has been having hospital treatments in the philo for quite a long time. well, as you know my mother had chemotherapy lately, and i just hope that he isn't doing that sort of stuff. remember that girl i was telling you about? apparently it's a long story how her ninang is dead on enemies with my father, but as harsh her mind can be, she had spreaded rumours that they were having an affair. i mean, WTF? i had thought so before, but i sort of regretted it. to tell you the truth, i still have a feeling..but i refuse to talk about it until it's for sure.
i just really hope that my future won't be as screwed up? what does the future hold for me? there are things that i regret writing to, and apparently, my writing isn't that good this moment. i'm not really satisfied with it. till i get my priorities straight and in the right order, i'll be writing less blog entries from now on.
what is it that i'm feeling?
currently reading >>> judy blume's summer sisters. it's a great story, but has high peaks of sexual talk. but since it's sort of coming-of-age between two friends, i got to say it's pretty good.
toodles.

Alive & Amplified..

sighs.
the reminscent familiar sound of tapping keys in the keyboard.
i'm finally home..
what i realized is that i'm developing a more diverse spot for my family. i haven't really cared that much until now - i guess what trials that life has to offer us gives us a 'message' in the end. it really brought me closer to my mom and dad.
i'll let you in a little secret - i cried my heart out the day when we went home. i didn't know how much i cared because old habits definitely die hard. you see, i was right, my mom was damn shocked to find the apartment's condition - and the first hour we got there, we started cleaning the room. i mean, i began to get really damn worried that she would be working all night. i couldn't let myself see her do what might have not necessarily kill, but definitely weaken her immune system. so i went to my room, shut the door, and just started to let it all out. i really cried my heart out. i prayed and hoped and wished that she would know her limits and all, you know? like, not work till the midnight or anything like that. i think she knows that, but i hope she really sticks to it, you know? and i'm pushing myself to help whenever i can. thank goodness we finally got a maid to help around the house in such short notice. she's quiet, but friendly i guess.
you don't know what to expect, and if you let things just a little off, you never know how much the consequences are until it hits you in the back. arggh.
try cleaning your apartment. what i realize is several many things. one, is that your house may never be as clean as the media portrays it. in reality, several people squeak the place clean before they start rolling the cameras. in your house, no one will knock your door to clean it. you gotta do it yourself.
second - you never realize how much JUNK you have. sometimes i wish that we can have a junk sale, instead of throwing them away (funny incident by the way, while i was cleaning one of too many cabinets in our teeny little apartment, i filled around five or six plastic bags full of worthless, mostly outdated bills and brochures. while i carried them two by two towards the garbage room, at the last two, as i opened the door, i was pretty shocked to find that one of the cleaners were looking inside the garbage. that sort of sparked an idea, which made me feel pretty guilty because.. youknowhatimean? looking @ stuff in the garbage?? arggh, but i'll try and make it better next time. i know it sounds dumb, but if there's a pair of shoes that can't fit me anymore, or even clothes that seem to take up too much space, or toys or whatever, i'm going to put it in a plastic and place it in the room but not in the garbage can. maybe right next to it - i hope they'll be able to take it.
seriously, there is wayyyy too much stuff in our apartment. i gotta accept it - maybe it's part of the charm that makes a few of my friends say 'its homey'. but i keep thinking about life in college and it becomes more and more exciting as the day goes by. what i really want is the stuff that i want and not what i'm stuck with.
sorry my writing style is quite stiff, i haven't been reading as much lately. i don't know - it seems the more i read, the levels of inspiration gets into my head. but if i don't read, it drops really low, and look how i write without it!
i'm not in the mood for blogging right now - i'll write tommorow.
toodles.
i'm trying to enjoy my summer vacation by not contacting as little as i can (prolly because i enjoy the presence of myself more) and watching all the favorite movies and TV shows that i want. ooh, the relaxation.
i want summer to end....in September!

There Is..

my last day here in netopia.
i'm definitely going to miss it.
what's wrong with me?
i'll explain when i get back. somehow.
ORIGINAL. not a teenybopper!
okay, let me explain. i looked at a few friend's xanga profiles, and i have no idea why i got disappointed everytime i see something that's in their website that i was planning to put in mine. i think i strive to be unique and individual as much as i can. i hate copycats. i'm beginning to despise them. from now on, i made up my mind that i'm not going to look at any pages until i'm completely satisfied with mine. i'm going to start putting on nice pictures and decorate the website, put what i got to in my blog entries, and when i'm done, i'm going to start adding people. i also want to start joining a few blogrings.
i hope i can finish all of this before summer is over.
ohh i wish that we can have enough money to pay for the outstanding fees and get my report card before school year starts. what i hate about it is that i got to get it wayy later than the others.
now that i think about it, i constantly wish for a new life. but i know it's something that i can't get to, because complications rise in the air. i'm in a messed up mood right now because the headphones that i'm using doesn't work well and i'm quite terrified that my new i heart 80s shirt got exchanged to my sister's college clothes. arggh! i want that shirt! have you ever had that feeling when you're not sure where something is, and you can't seem to rest until you find it? i think i'm developing an obsessive disorder regarding that.

Truth & Reconciliation..

purevolume just doesn't get any better.
i really hope i can get my internet upgraded when we get home.
hmm, what happened?? i think some issues had risen, but its issues regarding my confidence towards new people and all, being friendly or back away from them. that's whats really bothering me. it's like the friends that i currently have is like the ones that i'm going to have forever or something. seriously. i keep telling myself that the next time, i'll start talking and being all friendly, but then, i don't. i feel confident right now, but i know when the moment actually comes, i'll just fall apart and surround myself with mirrors that seem to always be there.
i guess i have to start being super extra friendly to the ones that i'm acquainted with.
i'm being serious in a way that i'm not.
okayy, what else? i'm wasting my time here upgrading my profile in friendster. i love it right now. it's not all fallout boy profilish (except for a few references and their newest video) but i put a death cab image for the background. it looks totally awesome. its like, warm and soothing in a way. all, earthy and brown.
after upgrading my profile and finishing this entry, i'm looking forward to watch america's next top model. hahaha, it's become really addicting!
i hope coming home won't be as nightmarish as my mind can imagine it. seriously, it pretty much consists of my mother putting her heart out to cleaning the apartment, which me and my dad didn't exactly keep it like a five star room. i don't want her to get sick again. i don't want her to get overstressed and complications will rise and rise. we seriously need to get a maid and FAST!
i don't know why but this happens. when my parents offer me to switch schools, they offer schools where i don't like. the reason why i don't like them is because their not highly recognized. they offer these such small schools. i don't like small schools. i want a school where it's pretty big. but the truth of the matter is, they can't afford it. even the school i'm currently in is tough to keep up. what i feel is that it isn't worth the money. i mean, seriously, right after the national tests, for the rest of the last FOUR weeks of school, we just relax and dozed off. if i want to go to the uni that i want to which is a pretty tough school to get into, i need a foundation of strong discipline and quality education. i don't think my school really offers that.
*sighs*
it promised to get better but i don't see ANY improvements. it better get improving this year!!
i gots to start studying the SATS.
i gots to loadsa things and it ain't helping writing it all down here.

The Ministrel's Prayer..

okay, i don't know exactly what ministrel means, but i'm checking out this new band (again and again) and there music is damn great.
i've been checking on some really good musique lately and i want to put their songs in my ipod. but i'm afraid that i have no time. and i'm afraid somehow that the internet connection that i have, i won't be able to put them all. i don't know why it's sooo important to put them in my ipod. what i fear is that it's because i want other people to know it. by then, i feel guilty for sharing the great taste of musique towards others, creating an instant *wow, this girl has a great taste in musique!* and then passing it on. maybe it's because other people will grab that judgement to them. i know i may seem so selfish and all, but that's who i am.
keep quiet. one day, where it's safe, i'll tell you all my dreams. not now. not tommorow. these thoughts are starting to form inside my head.
toodles.

Nightmare of You..

damnit. after a couple of days of not logging in purevolume, i forgot my password. i'm so forgettable, seriously. i hate this. i hate hate this. i tried changing my email before but then i forgot what is called (believe it or not) and but then i changed it in purevolume, and then i forgot to change it back to the original one. i'm so absentminded sometimes, i drive myself crazy . i want to go to purevolume, but I CAN'T.
the subways - oh yeah
rock kills kid - paralyzed.
victim - eighteen visions
vacation's been nice, i guess. yesterday i spent some good quality time with my family. i remember during church time, i sort of emancipated for the 36th time. i realized how family is damn important and recalling all those times where i've been an immature little brat that my parents got to endure. i mean seriously, i nearly broke myself into tears after realizing that all those things that i have done (too countless to mention any of them, well, maybe i don't want to mention em) wait. it's like, they took care of me basically whole of my life, you know, loved me, while i realized how much i loved them fourteen years later. during those fourteen years, i had always thought of myself, but now, after i have 'emancipated', i would put other people whom i love first.
i also realized how much i would miss philo when i leave. seriously. this is the first time. the other times where i was much younger, i would look forward to coming back to jakarta. butnow, i would want to stay here for a couple of weeks. argh, i don't really want to come back to jakarta, except for the HOT weather it is here. most of the time where i'm at home, i would sit close to the fan and all. i want COLD temperature!
my minds running into circles. got to stop it.
i hate what i write, yet i want to be writer.

Caught In the Rain..

can't get enough of purevolume. great musique.
i also checked out the indie rock radio station of yahoo. it's pretty awesome as well.
i better hurry myself out.
while i was walking here, i felt pretty lonely for no apparent reason. where, there may be a reason, but due to the 'circumstance' right now, i don't feel like talking.
well, maybe i do, but i'll put into different words.
my world isn't here. i want it to be, but i just don't know where to start. or where to begin. or whether the open arms will be able to embrace someone like me. someone from a different world. i don't know. it's just weird. i don't want to go back to my world. the people there already know me too well. i want to start fresh new beginnings. but i hate myself for having a weird fear of interacting people. i don't know, it's all weird. i only can freely express myself within these words, but not face to face. i get all self-conscious and all that.
hide and seek. hide and seek.
october fall's pretty good.
once i get all my priorities in order, i'll try and download musique. on second thought, never mind. i'll get my dad to ask whether we're allowed and if we are, i might be able to buy blank cds here. i'll just hang for hope.
i wish i had some contacts here. wait, i think i do.
i guess i gotta do things one by one, not all in once.
like finishing this blog entry and going on to different things.
i wish i could change myself, but it's becoming all like a habit, which is even harder to change.
i wish i could just enjoy this holiday but still.
i wish i could change but i can't. this is who i am for a reason.
i wish i could be in a better mood, but i guess i haven't done my shopping yet, which had first made me into this bitter mood. i don't always want to depend on that.
arggh. wish me luck this time.
so much to do, so little time. or is it called procastination?
how long will i have to endure this???

Velvet Divorce..

i have no time, so i'll make this quick.
yesterday, i created an entry but then the computer had soem technical problems and was forced to shut down without the saving of my precious entry.
so hows it been, huh? well, lately i've been currently loathing myself downwards in a pool of dark misery. self-hatrid, huh? how can someone be so selfish? - i sometimes think to myself. it's like, it's always a priority to get something that i don't have. once i have it, i'm not as thankful as i think. it pretty much sucks.
i want to do lots of shopping here. yesterday was enough, i guess, but then we went to the same mall and guess what?? i wanted MORE. more more more more more more more more.
i know i know..the family's current situation, i shouldn't ask for everything. but i just can't help it you know? its like everytime i'm in a mall, i just have to get something.
consider as a small confession (that's been lurking around in the subtle minds of everyone here) of a shopaholic. yeap, i think i'm becoming one of them.
reading really expands your mind. seriously. i feel that words are becoming more and more...welcoming inside my mind. it's just those stupid demons that keep buggin me. i should really be thankful of what i have.
arghh. i hate empty promises. i can't really explain it. but consider asking someone for something and absentmindedness makes them say yes and then later they forget all about it.
let's all make a good/bad impression. hmmm, what's running in my mind???
money isn't everything. impressions may be are. arghh. seriously, is my mind controlled by money and impressions of other people and most of all, myself. is that considered something bad and selfish or the other way around? what am i supposed to think.
i really should be thankful of what money can't buy. love - especially in my true friends and family. lately, i've been realizing slowly how important is your family. i haven't really put a finger to it, but lately, it's been coming around. and you know what? i like it.
friends and family. i hope that's all i need.
pray for the most sefless DEEDS.
i'll let you know what happens.
in the meantime, i'll keep on reading what i have (new FOB posters...quite) and wearing the clothes that i have. appreciating and realizing that money isn't everything. money isn't everything.
it's just that i want a more financial stable future for me. i don't want to worry whether i have enough for the rent or something. i want it all to be stable. and i don't want it to be all wasted away from impulses.
but compared to my friends, i think i'm one of the most thriftiest. is it because the change of our financial statuses? but compared to my family, i'm the one that spends the most.
is it okay to be a shopaholic? is it considered a bad habit???????
well, yeah if you come from a family of thriftiness and different ideas. it can make you irritable sometimes.
i always hoped for better..in futures..
purevolume at its best. i hope i can make new friends.


let's make a

Wine Red..

reminder>> wine red by the hush sound..awesome band btw..'like vines'...gotta start downloading em songs..
nothing ever stayss...band
boys like girls..
big japan..adam brody!!!! the rise and fall of bill..life saver..wrong way..
i'm just geting started x)

The Burn..

i'm in love with purevolume.
so much music, so little time.
i wish i had photographs, so much for my memory,
time to put my fingerprint on it.
it's just a matter of time before we all found out.
seriously, there's loads of awesome bands here. the music is just...mind blowing.
anyways, hmmm..the holidays. i'm @ netopia..the one in a mall. i finally! found a store where they sell secondhand books. that's awesome. and american boulevard store where they sell these awesome tshirts.
i hope i can scrimp enough money to buy the stuff that i like. plus, i needa buy pasulobong for my friends as well. should i buy for all? arggh, let's just see how it goes.
i'm in love with purevolume.
there's seriously loads of stuff that i want to buy here. it's plain awesome. i don't know why, but now, i feel more @ home more here than ever before. maybe it's because of the currently circumstances, it set my mind to change the persepectives. now, with patience as a virtue, i think i'm developing into a more mature person than ever before. i mean, last year at the same time (during the summr) i've been reluctant whatsoever to visit here. but now, i set myself back from actions that i might have regretted doing later. once you done a mistake, it's even suckier if you have done it the second time.
sometimes i feel that i have made a couple steps toward an 'emancipation' but then at the same time, i've been at the same spot all this time. it's really confusing.
i can't really talk right now because time is running out. i want to get my purevolume profile updated and all that.
toodles.

I Want To Hear You Sad..

i'm going to make this pretty short, cause i really don't have anything else to say.
i'm @ netopia, so as it is a public place, i wouldn't be so open with people around me. consider me as a agoraphobic.
i don't have those gargantuous feelings for him as before. consider it a moving-on process. i'm just bummed that i can't find anyone else to put my heart into.
i would have passed out if it all came true. or even meet him.
he genuinely seems like a sweet person x)
argghh..i'm doing it all over again. seriously, how long has it been. tell you what, if this keeps going on and on till november, give me someone else, i swear x(
i think i'm developing an uncurable sickness. i'm just saying that because i don't want to be one the cases of 'loved-up with a celeb' kind of thing.
i'm scared something will leak out. yup, i'm currently wearing boxer-type shorts.
OMG, it would be so embaressing if it actually fcking did.
i miss my friends but i'm quite glad that i get to spend time with my family.
hope it all goes well >> the whole summer vacation again.
the bummer thing is out again. i guess i got to resort myself to better things.
got a lot of studying and preparation if i want to go to the university that i want. is it is set for those above-average minds. i guess i should redeem myself, or in other words, find out whether i'm one of them or something. one thing that i'm quite worried about is the language of tagalog itself. i just realized how much i'm missing out on speaking it. i could be communicating more if i had learned the language. seriously, i feel guilty for not even speaking my own COUNTRY's. argghh.
i fink i'll bring it out slowly. i just don't think i can see in anyone's mind that i speak tagalog at a point. arggh, it's a change i'm willing to try, but not sure whether it would work somehow.
hmm, what else is bothering me?
oh, that i'm not communicating well enough to other people as much as i should have been.
that i give off this aura of snobbishness and whatnot.
i absolutely hate it. i really think i have a problem of communicating with other people.
it's only the people where i come to grow comfortable with when i can totally act as myself.
is that a problem?
i'm outta here. looking @ hot new vids and other useless junk.
i hope she stops giving us crap that we gotta deal with. the words stressed and messed up once again brings up in our minds.
fcking stress upbringers.
damnn..
btw >> it's damn hot here. i miss the cold weather of KL and the airplane.
there's

Whatever I Was Thinking...

someday i'll appreciate and value, get off my ass and call you, in the meantime i'll sport my brand new fashion of waking up with pants on, in four in the afternoon..
okayy that didn't describe my feelings at all, but that song is just on my head again..
i'm at KL..fcking awesome..its just been a day since i left..cant believe it was actually yesterday when i left..
we had done loads of things today. it was pretty exciting day, i guess. i met two hot guys. no, not chat and talk with them, i just saw them as eye candy. i know, pretty desperate eh? what else?? i spent the day in genting highlands..one of the most awesome places i swear..it's really great out there..plenty of ENTERTAINMENT..there's indoor and outdoor theme parks..plenty of shopping..plent y of food i swear..the next we go back here with tthe whole family (my mom and older sis) we should get a hotel near there. seriously, it's really great there.
now i gotta wake up at around 2:30, take a one hour bus ride, do that airplane crap, wait a little bit, then take a four hour plane ride, then take ANOTHER hour bus ride back to the city, and then ANOTHER ONE back to home.
oh i hope the battery will still be strong.
seriously man. ihope i can find some stuff to do while im there. and catch up son some sleep seriosuly. i cant seem to fall in sleep like it was more easily before. i hate it now. it's like a huge difficult thing to sleep rite now.
man i hate this. this computer is wack.
so long.

All Heads Down...

My last night here in Indo, for the next couple of weeks.
I hate absentmindedness in times of desperation. It just flat out irritates me.
I’ll get over it eventually, along with the dozens of other pet peeves that are resting on my sleeve. It’ll be better to ignore it, and think for better things, I guess.
Some people just can be so self-idolized when around crowds of ‘comfortness’. Seriously, just because she found herself in a new situation doesn’t mean she’s got to talk about it for the next half an hour straight. Arggh, I’m thinking of names that wouldn’t be too harsh but I can’t think of any. It’s pretty hard. I don’t know why, but she likes to talk about herself more and more. That’s why all that’s what happened in the past had happened. If we give her too much attention, she’ll be all like queen bee-ish. If we give her too little attention, she’ll cut herself. I’m not joking either ways. So I guess we better balance it, leave it in that. I myself don’t have a major problem in front of her, but let’s just say I got to work on saying stuff behind her back. Seriously, I really don’t want it to get back to me. I better keep it to myself, you know?
Sometimes I keep telling myself that I keep screwing it up. I want to be the kind of person that isn’t afraid to make her own mistakes, but she won’t screw it up again the second time. Once was enough. I hope it’s not too late – I hate when karma comes knocking on your door.
I’m beginning to start being flexible on exercise. The main worries are two things, first it’s holiday and there’s no gym available that I know of nearby. Maybe I can play basketball (nah, it’ll feel weird for some reason, like, it’s complicated to explain) or run or whatever. I’ll think of something to still be fit I guess during the holidays. Second, is my diet. I haven’t been eating chocolate anymore. The main fluids that are running through my system is H20, green tea chilled, orange jelly drink, and milk. Foods are a little bit more complicated, but I hope I can manage it soon. I want to eat moderately, you know, so my stomach doesn’t have a mind of its own. Arggh, I hope I can manage during the holidays. I’ll keep a sharp mental note on that.
I just hate looking at perfectly shaped bodies in the magazines, shows, and even in real life, secretly hoping that the way they did it wasn’t sticking their fingers down their throats. That’s one of my pet peeves. Or starving themselves to death. I rather prefer a body which is more muscular and well-maintained than a bony figure. Blehh..
I can’t wait to see my mother. I have something that’s currently in my mind these past few days, and I think my dad might have the similar thought as well. Hmm, let’s just say that the apartment hasn’t been exactly CLEAN. There are few stuff scattered everywhere, and I’m almost certain that there’s various places where it isn’t visible to the eye that hasn’t been dusted in a LONG time. I hope my mom doesn’t stress too much about it when she comes home. I hope she doesn’t sleep at 3 just ironing the clothes or something. Because I think getting stressed easily runs in the family. I’m not joking. When I found out that one of her sisters had recently got surgery, removing a cyst from her ovary.
I bet you know how I feel about that.
Yeah, I just really hope she doesn’t stress too much about it. And I hope that getting extra help from someone else can at least do a good part on it. And I hope I can help as much as I can. Like not trash up my room and get the trash up or putting the plates back when I finish.
I hope I can remember that.
I hope I won’t spend money this time on friggin useless things in this vacation. I want to spend it wisely.
I hope I either I won’t get bored to death on the airplane trip (I won’t be able to watch anything, we’re taking a budget plane. Ohhh, good ol’ memories of watching Little Manhattan. That really made my plane trip really enjoyable. Just remembering having tears on my eyes while watching that awesome flick. It’s certainly one of the sweetest films I ever seen. I watched it again, but it won’t capture the feeling that I’ve felt when I watched it the first time.
Speaking of capturing the feelings, I (don’t) want him. Arggh, he seems so far away that the grasp of any real feelings and his ‘real personal’ side of him is just so out of reach. I think I’m letting go for awhile. I don’t know though. I’ve said this a lot of times.
Tommorow is going to be a busy day. The flight! Last moment of things left to do. Like watch the O.C! PACK, PACK, PACK, PACK, PACK, and what else? Get my IPOD and HP ready..like, just prepare. Arggh.. I’m pretty glad that I’m not going to school tomorrow because it’s deadset boring. Today we didn’t have the TV for a majority of the time and you can tell what our day was like, without the only source of entertainment. Blehh.
I sort of regret not going to this party. Everyone who had went was talking about it, and I knew a couple of people there that the others didn’t and it sucked that I didn’t ‘socialize’ with them or something. Arggh, I hate that. It seemed really damn fun. Oh well. There will be other times x)
You only hold me up like this.
I hope this vacation will be damn fun.
Because you say it don’t mean you mean it……….
With a few exceptions
The O.C…it’s highly addictive sometimes. But I would never feel the same way when I first started watching it. I think the fuss had died down. I love the style of Summer and Marissa, I think I have gotten that vibe.
Turn off the lights, turn off the shyness. Cause all of the moves make up for the silence.
Currently listening to the cover of Of All the Gin Joints from Lauren Hoffman. Her voice is really heavenly, I can see why ‘him’ can really dig it. Lucky.
Fcker, all I can say is, ASHLEE SIMPSON???????
What...the...fck????????????????
I always like firsts. It’s more special.
The last can be cherished as well. But when will that be? The anticipation follows… My heart goes out to the Yogya victims. Now if my self-inner conscious attitude will get out of the way. I feel happy donating a few of my clothes to them

XO..

arggh..
i hate this. i can't really say it right now but it's just sooo annoying. i have a weird sleeping pattern - it embraces the fantasy and rejects what reality has to offer. seriously. i really hate this. magbe it's just the bad mood, the sound of settling into it, but still. it's like there's nothing left to live for, well, maybe there is, but it won't be as better as what you imagined for it.
simply like grabbing for something that seems like a thousand miles away.
arggh. i hate this. i hate all of this. maybe it's because i'm a totally stubborn bitch - the bad mood is kicking in.
my sleeping pattern currently leaving both the light and TV while i sleep. i don't know, i can't fall asleep easily. i hate it. i can't fall asleep without the noise, but then the noise itself makes me wake up eventually later. and like, every two hours or so i wake up, look at the clock, and congratulate myself for sleeping. i sound like dork when i tell that to you but it's the real truth. i really hate it.
and i think my IQ is dropping. there's nothing really that i'm supposed to be learning in my brain right now, it's mostly just....musique..fall out boy..pete wentz..musique..musique..a little on movies..exercising..losing calories..whatnot.
i don't like my school. i want to move, but due to some awkward situations regarding money and social life..i think it won't work out. but seriously, if there's any school that seems BETTER than this school i'm currently in, i really want to move. social life, it's currently just BORING. i want to try new things, like volunteer as an intern in daycare. you know, help take care babies, help them eat and clean up. it all seems really interesting to me. and what else? i want to definitely take guitar lessons. and donate blood at least once. i want to start get moving on with my life.
i want to be swimming into more excitement in this mud of BOREDOM.
i feel so cranky and tired when i wake up. seriously, my weird sleeping pattern has to go.
i can't wait to to MANGGA DUA todayy! first, i got to go to school and watch the premiere of a movie. then, i'm going there. seriously, i want to check on some new clothes, besides the usual DVDs.
i think i'm just wasting my time here.
oh well, better write some more.
so i made a mini checklist of what i should do during my summer vacation

• get some therapeutic shopping.
• new clothes
• new accessories - maybe a scarf or sunglasses
• read on some new books for crying out loud. my IQ is seriously dropping. it's not even funny.
• study on some SATS.
• get myspace and xanga up and running - show me the HTML
• shop
• shop
• shop
• probably won't do a lot of shopping as much as i can because of the fucking money situation
• spend quality time with my family and friends
• make new friends
• arghh..just be happier, you know????????

ooh and get braces as well.. i also want a manicure before i leave but who's going to temenin me?? maybe i'll ask one of my friends..i don't know yet though..

Unsafe Safe..

the hush sound is back.
let's go somewhere. a place where only you and me know. the feeling of happinesss will forevermore be everlasting than going back to reality. seriously. argggh.
school is boring than ever. nothing more than cheap entertainment and ants marching. watching one of the world's most slapstickest movies can get boring after awhile. wanna try something else? no wait, it's boring. according to them. apparently the kids in my class prefer someone going down on someone(youknowhatimean) or something other than racysex scenes rather than solving a murder crime.
i don't know why but i'm joining their circle. it's starting to get a little bit funny - in a cheap way.
i hope i don't change because of a stupid idiotic reason.
i'm trying to stay awake and remember my name. but everyon'e changing and i don't feel the same. everybody's changing and i don't feel the same.
** got to come up with something more original.
i major black and blues if *someone* criticizes me but not towards someone who's mouth screams angst all over it. it's totally uncalled for. deal with it.
can't wait to leave school, seriously. it's getting dead-on boring.
my list of wanting stuff has just gotten longer by the day goes by. ooh, plus ++ i know an awesome place where to get hard-to-find music and great band shirts, belts, boxers and all that. it's pretty awesome. let's just find a way to get money though.
my mind-to-vocab pretty much exists at the moment
+ movies. dirty deeds. american pie-esque movies.
+ pete wentz.
+fall out boy..any rock bands that i think are cool..i want a secret order shirt. i want a sex pistols shirt. i want at least 4 shirts. and a misfits belt buckle. and a pair of boxers. what else? a ultra-hip bag. and the doors poster. total cost?? don't really want to calculate..i'll just be shocked when i see it.
and a denim skirt. and a couple of those rare, hard-to-find tapes..
what else???? ooh..this is fun!
facial foam from body shop.
that whole list of pants.
any hot tops.
money in my pocket.
totally need a USB.
you know who.
i totally want a pet. a dog is out of the question. seriously, i'm almost certain that they'll say it's going to mess the place up. and whatnot. arggh. i want one though. oh well, i'll try asking tonight. wish me luck.
if not. i still want a pet. a snake will totally be cool. but i think im going to end up either with a fricking fish or hamster. a hamster's not that bad though. but i really want a snake or a dog. not to be all paris hilton or whatever, i totally want a chihahuaha..anything that won't grow..
argggh. life without a pet.
ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't fall in love with >>> i wouldn't call it love, but it sure feels like it.
i hate having that feeling, wanting something/someone you don't have. when you have it, you'll always want something/someone else i guess.
currently my friendster is totally lonely.
when you watch it again..it doesn't feel the same..feels fake all the wayy.