The Devil in the Wishing Well..

MAJOR SIGHS.
one of the suckiest feelings in the world - knowing that school is actually starting tommorow. it sucks soo bad that i'm starting to wonder how i yearned for school to start. i was a dork back then. maybe i'm a cooler dork now. hmm, nahhhh..
i'm online but no one seems to want to talk to me. oh well, sometimes it's like, you GOTS to do the first move. but this one i can live with, it ain't a big issue for me.
i better make this quick, get plenty of snooze hours, for the big day tommorow, *STANDS UP SHOUTS*. what makes it even a more craptasticier day is the knowledge we haven't paid 6 months, THAT's HALF A YEAR, of tuition fees. all i hope is that we pay SOON...you see, that's one of the things what i hate about my dad's business..sometimes it's so damn slow that you must suffer the embaressment and oh, the SHAME.
maybe that's why i'm looking for a better future..maybe new and temporary surroundings are starting to take an influence on me..i want to move school..to establish a new me..but maybe that's for the sake of other people...i realize that i really damn care what other people think of me..and that's one of the issues that i'm willing to change this year..to not care what other people think of me..don't fret myself worrying about what they tell themselves..wish me luck on that btw..
ooh, i realized i haven't been slacking off in the summer vacation...i learned a new equation..
MONEY = SECURITY
money can't buy love. money can't necessarily buy happiness. but money isn't all that bad..just as long as you spent it wisely. but happiness is like, a cousin to security. which we all need in our lives. if i try to explain it, it's going to be all like, 'yeah, money buys you security. and security i mean food, a place to sleep in, and all that. but it's more complex than yet if you're living in this world. sometimes you need it to FIT IN. seriously, people have relentlessly stressed themselves out (well, in my theory, only in their minds cause they're so good in hiding it with well worded sentences) in that ultimate momentum to FIT IN. sometimes to FIT IN it can be alright, but since i never really quite FIT IN, i really don't know. what i'm most worried about is that IF EVER i get the chance to FIT IN, it wouldn't be wasted. like, it didn't turn out like it expected to.
please mind, it's all in the mind of me. it swirls with paranoai (screw that) with lucid knowledge that it actually is paranoia (screw that again) all with a mental image of myself in a third person. like, i'm standing there looking at myself typing this, OR that i'm pretending to see it through the eyes of a publisher who'd a MILLION IN ONE chances actually read this blog out of the MILLIONS OF MILLIONS countless blogs out there and actually liking what he read. hahahaha. it's all me, it's all me.
maybe it actually works better with a dose of sarcasm here and there.
okayy toodles.much s(w)inging.
OK if i continue to live like this, i should really start working on my originals. not quoting after someone else.
leave it all black and white where it was controversial before. hey, it could happen before it could happen again.

Crown of Love..

doesn't that sound familiar? doesn't that make you shiver? the way things could have gone? doesn't that feel peculiar? everyone wants a little more..
current soundtrack of my life _ okay, i'm not quite sure what the song is about, but it's mostly having to do about someone that she probably have loved before but then he broke her heart. and that's why she's sort of asking him to leave her with a scar - a constant reminder not to dive in too deep because the pain afterwards is almost unbearable. she doesn't want to make the same mistake as before.
i'm not currently experiencing that. i wasn't in love with him, i just liked him a lot. and the fact that she didn't have to lift a finger to get him to be attracted to her. okay, i think i may be contradicting things from my point of view and it may seem quite unfair if i continue to do that, making myself seem ego-centric and all. but i got it all out of my system - i bawled at the bathroom floor alone. i remember i had never felt so alone before. maybe the most upsetting thing is that....probably i felt i wasn't 'good' enough for him..but then i realized that it was just one guy..but then i started thinking about the past...obviously there were a similiar problem in that area as well. but now, i really think i don't like that guy - don't wanna make the same mistakes..liking the same jerk all over again..so if they really like each other, so be it.
if we are really friends, which i really hope so, she would aske me first if she really liked that guy. i mean, she knows that i was in total head over heels over that jerk last year. i could tell it might grow and she's sort of doubting it, but you never really know until she tells you, right? but i'm hanging on to that. sighs. oh well.
this year - i don't want the issue of NOT having a boyfriend yet be the issue of all the problems. there are definitely other issues that are wayy more important than that. that may form some sort of new balance in my life - not facing into what other people are doing and all. accept what God has given me. not compare myself to other people. express my individuality. focus on the future bugs and not the ones @ hand, like what it's said on horoscopes. damn, there's plentiful of things that i hope to change towards myself this year.
TODAY'S HOROSCOPE -
The Bottom Line
The problems at hand aren't the biggest issues -- focus on preventing future bugs.
In Detail
The issues of today aren't really as threatening as they look at first glance. Early in the morning, keep your chin up -- maintaining a positive attitude will quickly deactivate any potential bombs. You'd be surprised how far a smile and a wave can take you. Once the petty stuff of the day is finished, turn your attention to future plans. A trip or big purchase has been in the back of your mind for a while, so why not push it to the front? Get some ideas on paper.
sighs. i sort of talked to my dad last night, and asked him whether *IF* IF* (and that's a huge if - meaning the possiblility of it may be sort of out of reach at the moment) we had enough money or in other words, my dad could find a good job soon, i could move school. there are thousands of reasons - mostly because of the social life and especially the rapidly decreasing education. okay, i must admit that when i told my mom about the situation in school - a little bit of exaggeration sort of followed. but seriously, the last days, wait, weeks of school was the worst.
and i just found out that my parents still doesn't have the money to pay for the school bills. we're still waiting on the SLOWWWW as hell clients who hasn't paid yet. sighs.
as much as i want this year to be WAYYYYY better than the past years...i sort of highly doubt it..but its camouflaged between the high hopes and blessings..
if things aren't working out in this sad sad situation..i really want to get out of it. hoping that all will start anew a little bit sooner.
hmm..what else?
i'll keep my hopes up. sighs. sometimes whatever you do - it doesn't feel enough for you. and i can't keep continuing it.
toodles.

This is How We Do It..

darn. i feel terribly weird. in a nauseous way. maybe it was the lack of sleep - or eating the popcorn last night. one of my friends sleptover. it was fun. we watched mostly the OC - she's now addicted to it. hahahaa. okay, i sound so dull and boring. just then i was practicing the dance steps for the concert, and i felt tired. but that sleeping problem bugs me. what i really want is a quick nap before i go to today's practice. what's different from this practice is that my close friend ain't going with me. she's going with this guy who she may or may not like. i dunno, we'll see. that doesn't bother me at all, it's just that i'm quite worried (ONCE AGAIN) wehther i'm going to be stuck alone sometimes. arggh. i hope it ain't that bad. i'll keep you updated.
past feelings may or may not rise. i hope it won't but i can't help but feel that's the only choice. and probably it'll be unrequited once again unnoticed. what i sort of promise myself is that i don't want to get my hopes up high. sometimes i wonder why do i have these feelings again? i mean, cmon. arggh. but i think 'he's' got his eye on someone else - my close friend. i'm not that paranoid anymore. seriously, i saw those lingering glance. minds may lie sometimes, but EYES do not.
hahaha. i'll be along my way doing my own businesss. go to start paying attention of the dancing instead of those glances. that'll just come when i least expect it to.
awwww goshh.wish me luck once again. i wish luck was on my side with my guardian angel sometimes. one of the worst things i tend to feel is your luck running away from your veins.
i feel weird.

Scar..

Okay, what’s been happening lately? Hmm, I’ve bonded well with my parents. I think it all started when we got back from Philippines. I’ve started talking to them more often, and I asked them questions and all, I learned to accept them more openly – in a mature way I guess, as parents. I like that feeling. Before this, I always thought there was a wall between us. Maybe it was because I didn’t want to open myself up to them – like I knew that I could handle it. But what I had become conscious of is that we teenagers need a strong helping hand from our parents. They are the solid rock from in our personality foundations. Okay, when I just thought that out, I felt pretty guilty because it’s not like children were dropped in the face of the earth with two loving parents beside them. That’s one of the things where I don’t understand of how the world goes. It’s normal as the raindrops on the surface of windows, but it’s just that feeling where you want to write something where you can sort of ‘reach out’ but not in the inspirational way, but like, ‘I totally know how you can relate to it’ way. And you want to do that as much as you can. Unfortunately, we all live in different circumstances and the fact is, when I say our parents are the solid rock in our personality foundations, I just want express a sort of hesitation right there. I shouldn’t say ‘our’ – it was clearly an attempt to reach out to much people as I can.
Well, to top it all of, I must say, communicating with your parents well can create more better communication with the people you are surrounded it. With an unspoken trust and comfortness brought in to me, I feel I can talk to my peers with less self-consciousness. There is definite existence of self-consciousness, but it’s decreasing quite significantly.
Sigh, all these words, currently mean nothing at me. It all seems a blur. One second, it’s something your whole mind is looking forward to be put in pure existence and the cycle just goes on and on and on. I know that one day it’s all going to mean something – but most importantly in an escapable world where I actually used to live in before.
I was watching one of my favorite guilty pleasure of TV – lots of moments full of cheesiness but it’s highly addicting. I don’t care, it’s quite a fun ride if you ask me. Anyways, Seth Cohen (I just realized that I’m damn attracted to his geek personality, but then it’s genuinely original and stands out) has this issue where he is about to go to college, and he had spent nearly all his life wishing for this moment to come, but when it actually comes, he has that reverse psychological feeling. You know the all ‘I’m not ready’ phase. That made me wonder whether it’s going to be like that when I go to college. I mean, I’m actually going to start a year before everyone else does. As much as I want to prove my sparkling maturity to everyone, I still have doubts inside. I want it to happen, but then again, when it all happens, will I ever doubt it? That’s one of my fears right now – expecting to get what you want and then when it’s bound to unfold in front you, you experience that quirky hesitation. Leaving your house, school, friends, society, and mostly your family behind. I would have said mostly your friends – but I reckon that you can make new friends there, but you just can’t change your family. Again, that hesitation. I guess that feeling is natural, I’m almost quite certain that any person getting to leave for college is bound to feel that one way or another. Still, that hesitation.
Hmm, what else? Oh yeah, a past ‘love’ has returned to the scene. But after some alone time and listening to a specific soothing song which has that ‘that can totally relate to me!’ all over it – I feel that I’m ready to move on with my life. I can’t help those quick thoughts of attractiveness to him, but as much as I know that it won’t happen, I shouldn’t waste my time for this section of my life. I’m trying not to be one of those hopeless romantics – desperately crying and hoping and all that. I’ve been there before and I must say, it can take your heart out for a ride. And most of all, I really think either that he’s into someone else (like, my friend? No, whether that’s just the paranoia coming in or whatever. It’s still there) and that I’m sure as chocolate that there would never be something like that between us. In some way, we both live in separate worlds which happen to cross with brief glimpses – nothing more. Oh well, I can totally live without him. The feelings I felt before last year are long gone.
Prove to prove me wrong.

Fire..

just listen to the rythmn of the heart.
hmmm, still trying to enjoy the summer vacation. it's been quite alright- despite a few setbacks. what i most worry is the ones that will be faced in the future. right now, it's like i'm certain that i can get through anything, but i don't really trust myself. it's hard to explain really. i'm trying to change myself, try and comprehend my flaws (mostly like being stubborn all the time, lazy, and whatnot.) and change them at the most that i can.
there are lots of times where i can feel this change. it's a great change, really.
sometimes i think about the future. i think i talked about this before. there are times where i feel that my future is fragile - like one single mistake can be fatal. i wonder whether the future that i hope i can have will reach its open arms to me. things that prove to be too personal for writing, until its 'certain' at some point. that's why i'm planning it early, slowly by slowly, slowly comprehending the info - let it flow inside of me.
the futures. you can't just sit and wait for it to all happen in front of your eyes.
though i don't have that kind of money, i'm still quite satisfied in what i got. people around me are talking and planning to go to colleges in USA and whatnot. as much as i don't want them to, there's a lil part inside of me which tells me to back off. it's their life, not mine. if they succeed, i'll give my fullest wishes for them. if they fail, i'll give my fullest wishes for them as well. it's all up to themselves. as for me, i'm quite satisified to go to a college in my own country. i lived for nearly all my life in a foreign country, and i think it's time to go back there and deepen the very roots of the blood that flows here.
a toast. to what comes in the future.
i want to write more, but other things come in mind.
toodles.
i'll keep you up to date.

Eyes Open..

sometimes dreams aren't meant to be told.
sure, temptations arise but at the end of it, it's all up to how strong your beliefs are. i don't really know in what i believe in my own writing and thoughts towards pop culture. the thing is, i don't want to sucked into it, but there are times where it's just..there. i don't want to label anything, i say to myself that i'm anti-pop or rebellious cause i know that'll make me a hypocrite. maybe i'm mixing in my beliefs with the beliefs of others - consider them as the influences. i don't want my personality to be created by the articles and criticism of others. i want my personality to be for who i am and what i am - what i'm truly saying from beneath and not what my friends or whoever is saying to me. if that's their opinion, then fine. i shouldn't be accepting it cause i'm afraid of voicing out my own opinion. i don't know, it's all so confusing.
like someone else said, i want to write something meaningful, and all the words that are coming out of this little head of mine isn't the ones that i wanted it to be. its very damn limited. either that or i'm just not really comfortable of my innerself. or maybe it's because i'm living up to someone's expectations. out of the latter, i think the last one is right.
i'm not that comfortable with myself anymore. i thought i was, but i thought wrong.
i don't really feel well - mostly because my stomach feels funny prior because of this morning's incident..i don't know.
i miss listening to purevolume.com - this internet connection could seriously make a person wait forever. further seems forever. you see, i keep dropping references from what i heard somewhere in the media before! arggh, this is infuriating me.
i need to read something. anything.
i keep hoping for faster internet connection. but the money hasn't been paid yet and ARGGH.
i have a feeling that this is going to be another bad day. what comes in a good one - a bad one, an aftertaste always follows. yesterday was a pretty good day, i spent it with my mom
i am the movie - a pretty bad one. i should really stop before my imagination goes too far and it'll give me the serious after effects.
i just snapped at my mom - i still feel guilty over it.
i just want this day to get over with. it's seriously going to a very bad one.
i feel like writing a poem - not here though. a fear comes over me that it's not going to live in those 'expectations '.

Distraction..

it's a little bit funny. this feeling inside.
nope, i'm not in love. but something feels wrong - like promising yourself you wouldn't do it anymore but then you're helpless its desire, it's temptation. sighs.
i'll take a deep breath and remember there is tommorow where the sun sets anew and i can pretend once again to blend in. but that tiny little voice in my head will always remember.
i'm not as strong-minded as i think am. i think i just need a stronger dose of perseverance.
it's a wonder whether all the times where i talk about myself, i'm insulting my own religion. it's sort of confusing.
what else to say?? i'm sort of proud of what i've done to my journal. sometimes i think of sharing it publicly, but i dunno. if it'll happen, it'll happen. in the meantime, i'll write it all down. i'll write all down for all who cares. it's therapeutic enough.
money. popularity. fame.
everything seems so confusing. i try to numb the pain by watching someone else's issues but i can't concentrate. i find myself distracted on focusing on my own issues - that's yearning to all come out. but ropes, ropes of life, ropes that scream out how life is sooo limited.
doesn't anyone sometimes wish that they can go to place where it's all UNLIMITED? theres always a place like that - it just matters how far you would go, in your own imagination. but it's only in your imagination. you want more, you want to see it in your own eyes. to distinguish whatevers real. to create an existence that can only be finalized by your own two eyes.
i want a place where i can break free. i want a place where i myself won't let down by my insincere judgements. where insecurities cannot go. i want a place where i can do anything i want.
sometimes being myself feels like a burden.
i still feel confused.

I Shall Believe..

i wonder..how does it take for people to notice your blog? it's a scrutinizing chance, about one in what?? a billion?? blogging has become a trend for everyone, and people all over the world are blogging, and i bet that there's over a thousand of them thinking of the same thing, 'why isn't my blog getting any response?'. oh well, if it's faith, then it's faith.
what do i believe?? let's talk about beliefs. what do i believe? well, i come from a strong Catholic background and that's what i grew up in. i think a majority of strong Catholic influences is circulated around my beliefs. i do have faith in God, but it's the kind of faith that hasn't fully matured yet. i'm being straight-out honest. but it's a faith that's getting stronger as i grow older. but i know there are people out there who are more open to their Catholic roots than i am. i'm not speeding up to keep up with them, i know that it's better to take it slow than to rush off without any real meaning. and i'm accepting it as it grows. but i do question whether if someone didn't actually 'refuse' to accept Christ as their personal saviour but just followed another religion, would that person actually, go to hell? i mean, i don't think that that person did anything wrong, maybe like me, that person had grown up in a fixated religion background, and that shows a huge chunk of influence into him but i do believe that God knows every single thing - and that includes every SINGLE angle in a situation. He knows everything, more of what us humans know, and i know that He doesn't shun people from heaven because of different beliefs. as i heard from someone in an online discussion board, maybe it depends on our own religion. if that person has some sort of paradise after living on Earth and that person was a good devoted follower, then he will go to that paradise, but it's not the idea of heaven, like what Christians believe. i don' tknow, that sort of question is way to complicated for a girl who's trying to enjoy her summer vacation.
but i do believe what goes around - comes around.
i'm a more open-minded person.
The GK conference meeting wasn't all that bad. what i got to worry is whether i will be able to 'survive' without my friend. since the move to another school may affect the time she'll be there, i hope it isn't a big issue. i am continuing to hope for better friendships in this year. i can't really explain the situation clearly here because of the anonymity - so i write most of it in my journal. i personally also hope that she doesn't lose interest as well. we're not the exact same person as we were last year - where we were both younger and more, what's that word, just younger. more excited and whatnot. that' s the best i can explain. now, we already know what the system is and all. oh, i still hope she doesn't lose interest.
i was researching 'filipino-americans' in wikipedia, and what from i read, it made me smile and proud of being a Pinay. when i waas younger i didn't really say this out loud but it sort of had the message that i wanted to be an american. you know, just one of 'them' in the western culture. my mind was pretty darn-minded that time. but as more pinays are being recognized in the media, it's beginning to take on me. i'm proud of being pinay.
sighs. this is the last day of FIFA world cup. ohhhhh man. i like the world when it was just paid attention to one television screen. i like observing people when they root on for their teams. their shrieks, they're 'ooohhhh' when their favored team misses a shot,the boos, the shouts, and the 'YESSS!!!!!!!' when they score. hahaha, it just really glorious that people can leave their life issues at bay and focus their attention to soccer. even though it's all temporary, it's still a memorable moment. i mean it's something that every single person gets to take part of - no matter if they are rich or poor or this or that, it's all the same in the FIFA fever. i don't know whether it's a part of commercial scheme to grab our money, but i must say, it worked for me. it's only every four years. the next one would be..2010, and i dunno whether i would continue to write in this blog, but i sort of regret it. well, ANGELICA in four years or so, PROVE ME WRONG. im such a lovable oddball. hahaha, not.
the FIFA world cup brings me happiness *currently* that only FOB can get me. that weird.oddball sort of kind that only the few understand.
hmmmm...(un)lovable.oddball.awkward. embrace it.
approx. four more hours.
MR. EXTRA JOSSSSSSS got booed. hahahahhaah.
i seriously its the happy chemicals made from what FOB is giving me the giddiness. yup, i'm listening to them. i hope i don't want to duplicate it.oh what the hell. its my mind anyway.
alrite. got2go.toodles.
i should listen to my ipod more often. MORE OFTEN.

Heart in a Cage..

Pay attention to this. I woke up in terrible stage – I was still sleepy and was still suffering from those menstrual cramps (yup, it’s that time of month again. (sarcastic tone) yippee.) and I just had a weird ass dream: something to do with performing in front of people and it was woven into a play that was just plain weird. Think of it as a cross between Desperate Housewives (that pretty much explains that the day I just kept on watching Desperate Housewives so my mind was pretty hands on to that) and something like the Twilight Zone and being lost. My friends were on it – and we were playing characters similar to the Desperate Housewives lately – I was playing someone like Bree, all formal and lady-like. You know those times where you relate your friends and yourself to a famous posse? Yup, and including that, me and my friends chose Desperate Housewives in a computer exercise that we had do to – take pictures of ourselves and stick it into a famous entertainment poster. Guess who I ended up? I guess that’s because if my friends would had to pick to be Bree, they would have to pick me. I don’t know if I really am like that, but in my opinion, my friends do so. In the second season, she starts to hide a secret that grows by the minute and she’s willing to sacrifice whatever she needs to in order to maintain a good, lady-like reputation. She’s an interesting character.
Hmm, what else? Yeah, that dream was weird. But the time where I woke up, I just had a yearning to watch something so I can *imagine* it performing in front of people. I don’t know if I like acting, I heard it’s quite difficult to get a quality job in acting, maybe it’s the fame and fortune that we all supply to ourselves to our favorite Hollywood stars, feeding our jealousy towards them. I think it’s always been on the pop culture, wanting to be like our favorite celebrity. But do I want to spend the rest of my life being followed by the tabloids? Nah, I rather have my husband and kids follow me than sleazy photographers. Come to think of it, I think I want a normal life – with a husband I love, probably two kids – gender not an issue, but I would like a boy and girl. I want to get married for a year or so – experiencing the life of newlyweds. And you know, having that time to just travel around the world and savor every single moment of it.
I should probably stop talking about the future. I’m curious about it – you know those stories where they thought they had everything – a loving family and whatnot but then all of a sudden their supposed life partners goes wrong – either he becomes a raging alcoholic or cheats on you. That’s the two things that I’m most worried about. Because when I was younger, I always had that stable picture in my mind that the Filipinos that lived here had great families. Hmm, I thought wrong. My mom is starting to tell me all these stories about these marriages gone wrong. It’s all that I watched about in movies and all, but what really sort of awakened me is that its really happening in real life – real people that I met and not just some actors.
Right now, I’m trying to juggle doing plenty of things at the same time. I just found out that the GK conference meeting thing is tomorrow at Saturday. I really want to come. It’s a great cause – helping out poverty and plus, you get to meet new people. I hope its better than last year, not saying it was a bummer, it was really fun. I just hope that it’s a way more memorable experience this year! I hope my friend, who just transferred school (and is a an *ally* with me in all those boy dramas at school. She’s just like me – we both don’t have a boyfriend yet but now she moved school, I guess I have to find another ally or just deal with it. It’ll soon be over, I hope.) Hmm, what else? What I really hope that in this year, that I could have enough courage to deal with the boy drama. Let me tell you how it is. It’s like, all the girls sit in one end and just talk about those naughty scenarios and whatnot they happened to did or did not do with the opposite sex. Before it was a huge issue to me cause of all the pressure (not straight-on pressure, but it’s the sort of pressure where they might not realize it – maybe they did but they prefer not to notice it or something.) like feeling left out or just the plain ol’ friend of mine, self-pity. But I sort of regained my confidence throughout the month and I know there are more things more important in life than boys, and when the time comes, I fall in love or whatever, I’ll let my future self deal with it. I’m not going to waste my time crying in self anguish while they run off and talk and talk about it. I mean, I know it’s a normal thing in our age, but I guess it’s just not my time yet. And still, if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn’t be talking about those private moments, but maybe that’s another thing that’s going on in teen culture. Tell your friends everything! I wouldn’t do it but just the thought of the guy telling what he had done, pretty much explains itself that I won’t be the wet end of the relationship. But I’ll just have to wait.
In the meantime, I’m being a baby over to my parents regarding the GK trip. I just SMSed my dad countless of times, telling him about the conference meeting and that I just had to go. I’m not missing this opportunity.
Oh great, I just remembered, I got my red tide now. And it’s tomorrow, ARGGH. I hope we’re not doing any dance steps cause it’ll just make me feel uncomfortable. I know that there’s a good chance I might run into my ex-crush. Oh gosh, the cringing moments. I was so, infatuated by him, but now its like, ‘seriously? Him?’ my scrapbook of life would always hate a part of my past.
Current mood? Bring it on! I just want to enjoy life, just press the PLAY! Button! Oh, and how is she doing??
Not in the mood for >> hmmph, might as well be exercising later to get rid of period pains.
There’s no point in life spending it just drowning yourself in self-pity over the things that other people don’t have. I hope that I can have enough sense to wallow for less than five minutes and then just move on. Cause that way it won’t take over the whole state of mind.
My style of writing – if I would have to describe it, I would say that’s its not as
story-ish or in other words, wild and imaginative as other people. I’m not the sort of writer who is able to write those odd stories, twisting its scenarios and situations into ones that you can’t imagine. I’m not able to write fantasy nor adventure moments which will leave you wishing for more of life’s adventures. My area of expertise at the current moment, and probably will ever be in the near future, is just life of an adolescence. It’s that time of going through that bridge that builds between your childhood and adulthood. People say that it’s one of the most memorable (probably both good and bad) times in your life. It’s the time where you find what you want to be – in the most simplistic terms. But it’s way more depth in it. You’ll tend to find the experiences where it’ll either shine or burn our hearts in a way that you’ll never imagine. It’s a gravestone in life – it’ll always be there whether we like or not. It’s prepares you in so much ways that you can’t tell directly, but when you find out, you’ll consider it as a much needed lesson learned. It’s going to be far from easy – but then again, life is way more worth it when it has more trials hurdled than one without it. Let time pass. We never can change the way that time ticks but we can change the way we think of it. Change is the thematic word in this journey.
And the way that human nature allows you to change in this odd yet familiar way is what is drawn to me. It’s something where every single adult had felt before. An unspoken bond that was tied to everyone in this Earth. What I want is to write those experiences, letting adolescences know that there are people out there who’ll tend to experience those times. Those dark and lonely times where you feel no one understands you. I myself had those times, telling myself that everyone must be leading better lives than me, getting angrier and angrier by the moment.
Okay, that’s just the beginning. I’m writing all sorts of things with no ends. I just can’t write ends that well, but when I finally find it, it just sparks the plug along with the other words.
If I have time, I’m considering sending this article to a teens site where I know they might take articles like these. If I get my senses in order – I know that I will.

Get Busy Living or Die Trying..

What am I doing now?? Simply typing this. Before I had so much to tell you but now when I’m writing it, it all seems to sweep off my head. Apologies.
There are feelings where I want to take over the fear I have for making new friends. It creates an illusion where everything is going to be alright, and I have no problem making new friends there. But you can never be too sure, right? You’ll see whether I’ll have the courage or not in a few days.
I try and not let it be too much of a problem now. It will all come to me soon. I just have to be careful of not comparing what I stand in the social circle with my friends. And I’m not too sure that I can successfully do that.
There are tons of things that I want to try. But then it all seems out reach, financially or it’s unable to fulfill in the current moment. Hmm, what should I do? Swallow my pride and accept what has been given to me, I guess.
I hate it when I wak e up for no apparent reason and I can’t go back to sleep anymore. It makes my blood boil – literally.
I spent my late afternoon looking at old photographs. Only a few photographs I really liked – is it actually normal to feel guilty at yourself aged five or six for not remembering what is was like, cause it sort of felt like that. We had a huge trip where we went all over Europe for like, four or five weeks. It was swell – but I can’t remember almost anything at all!! I hate that feeling, it’s like you want to go there again and just savor everything there is. All I have left now is broken pieces of memory, which are only brought up in photographs. Now, considering the situation we are in right now, it might be a LONG time till we have any trips like that again.
The thing that I most feel guilty is the trip to London. I don’t want to say anything in particular – but overall I was like a little sensitive bitch which ruined it all. I matured in all those years and looking back of what I done, I wish I could scrape that and start again.
I want to travel again. One of my friends is going to America, lucky!!! Another one is actually going to school in the very place where I’m dying to go – Chicago! If I have to choose one place I’ll go for vacation, I’ll pick Chicago. Everything about it seems so interesting. The music, the people, the references, just everything. I have to go there someday. I want to go all over the world and just take photographs of everything. Mostly, I’ll like someone else to take black-and-white and sepia colored photos of me. One would be just laying back, enjoying the sweet smell of grass. Another one would be me looking at the sunset. Just sitting there and gazing of the little gratitudes of life. Another one would be at the beach – walking and the footprints behind while the waves are about to cover it up. I’d love to have pictures like that. If only your guardian angel could take graceful pictures like that. I hope I could have a chance like that in the near future. You know what they say, a picture is worth a thousand words – which is enough for my memories to last.
I might have an obsession – to look good at photographs. If you want an explanation, go look at those pictures where I’m gleeing with glee with my distinctive pout. Either that or I’m missing teeth or wearing a too small shirt.
Photographs. I’d like a collection of myself and another collection with my family and the last one with friends. That’s why every shining moments needs to have its picture taken.
Next time we go to a recreational place, I’ll definitely ask a photographer for hire to take those special candid moments.
I’m dying to go to places like Australia, USA, and Europe. Just anywhere there, I’d love the experience. Shopping, eating, sightseeing, just every single bit of that place. Now that I’m committed enough to memory, I want to fill it up with as much as I can. When I’m grown up, then I like to have the experience to explore the rest of the world. Traveling is swell.
I want to go to Chicago so badly. Soooooo badly.

The other experiences I would like to wish is to go to a flea market. Yup, a REAL flea market. I know there are tons out there, but there can never seem to be one in here. There was one around years ago and it was pretty fun. But I’d like to go to one where there just loads of unwanted treasures – vintage outfits and jewelry, music CDs, vinyls (I would die for one! Just the thought of buying cheap vinyls for around a dollar from great old artists excites me), and BOOKS. Yeah, I also like to go to secondhand stores and vintage stores as well because its been said that you can find a lot of great deals there with original written all over it!
Another one would go to many concerts of great artists – especially in America. Those underground local hip indie bands. Fall Out Boy – I would love to see them live but I’ll be like 25 before that will happen. Let’s just hope I’d like another one equally as them in the future.
Another one would go and see live music – a totally different sort, the ones filled with jazz, blues, and soul from a great legendary musician. Nothing crowded though, where you can just sit and feel the music come inside of you with nothing else in your mind.
THOSE are the things that I want to do before I leave this world. I have you breathing down my neck, breathing down my neck..

The Future Freaks Me Out..

strangest doses of jealousy continue to haunt me.
the future does freak me out. last night, was a night which i will most probably remember in the near future. i dunno if i can say it was an awakening emancipation, but it did quite feel like it.
i couldn't sleep at all. i tried everything - listening to sweet n soul music (i did manage to get a few minutes of shut-eye while listening to kings of convenience. i'm completely in love with their music. alli remember right now is thinking...about pain mostly. about the pain that was bound to go after me in the future. about the pain where i most likely won't be able to erase emotionally. about death, about loss, about loneliness.
there is something that just keeps hanging on inside of me - it didn't do anything painful to me but it has to be yanked out. feel pain first before feeling the cold comfort.
then i tried switching my attention into watching tv till i fall asleep. i must admit, that's my favorite way of falling asleep - with the tv on. that way, the noise will wrap itself around me as i dream of nothing. i don't like silence anymore. it has become an enemy in disguise in me. that's why i resort myself to music and tv noise - to accompany me from the hollow silence.
i don't want to feel loss. i don't want to lose the people around me. i don't want to feel lonely anymore. yet it stills calls out my name, and like a person stuck on the dark alley streets, you still got to follow with whatever light may shine upon you. i look around and i can't help but compare myself towards the people who seem to have it better than me. then i blame myself for it. i just keep feeling lonely. from the inner demons inside of me that keeps reminding me that nearly everyone has better social skills and that they have tons of friends, unlike me. i hate myself for that. maybe i'm getting tired of being alone. i like being alone, but...let's just put in this way. i'd like to have a nice social life as well. i wish i could have that in college. argghh!!!!! i hope!!
i better go before i drown myself in self-pity. i hope i change this year.
i really do.

Attractive Today..

there are currently two songs thats swimming into my head recently. i hope it's not one of those songs that are already 'wasted' from pointless, childish and immature dreaming of them. i won't mention any of the good songs that are already wasted, but there...wasted you know?

anyways. the issue that's killing me right now. i hate myself for it. sometimes i wish i was like, the opposite of what i act around people. let's just say i'm not one of those who's bubbly and friendly personality tend to bring smiles on their faces. in fact, i'm opposite of that. that's why i only have a few close friends. that's why the hatrid from that one fact is beginning to grow, and i can't or won't or just whatever make friends easily. maybe i'm just saying this towards the people who i want to make friends. i dunno how to explain them. but i know i'll never be like them. i dunno. i dunno about this problem. sometimes i just want to punch myself for being this uncertain.

arggh, i seriously want to meet new people, and now i got this opputurnity, i just don't know what to do with it. now, when i'm writing about this, i feel okay, but then later, i know its just gonna fcking kill me.

i already wrote about this in my handwritten journal and now its already spittin out, i dunno what else to say but i hate myself for killing it.

i just hope everything concerning that will be just another notch of pointless worries. oh i hope.

i wish at the end of the day, i would be able to make some new friends.

you know what i'm afraid of? To let go of my shell. no wait, that came out wrong. what i'm afraid of is whether they'll accept me or not. i think, deep in my heart they will, but...i just don't know how to get there. the more i think about, the more worse and the more good i think it would be. one of my worst fears is either >> having to go in groups and i'll just be standing there while everone else picks their group. and i'll be one of the ones where the adult supervisors have to ask other groups if they could add one more. FCK, that's damn embaressing! i just got to freak out and let it go.

i hope.

sometimes it all happens when you least expect it. i'm doing my best to act 'least expected' yet deep in my heart i'm still watching and yearning.

what else?? oh, i think i'm developing a teensy crush on this cute soccer player. i fink my classmates dnt lyke him or somethin, but i fink he's kinda cute.

my ipod is running low on new songs at the moment. i'm waiting for my dad to install DSL ASAP!!! once i have it, i'll spend all my time downloading songs. the must-have song list is definitely piling up..

my stomach is starting to respond, currently, it shrunk around one n a half cm! slow proguess, huh? but i'm quite happy. later, i'm cuttin in the gym. its becoming more of a habit in these summer days.

gosh, connection is so bad this moment.

other reminders. >

* damnit! brazil and england has been wiped off the WORLD CUP. yup, i got a small dose of world cup fever. but now, both of my favorite teams are bolted off. so if i got to choose from one of the four final teams, i would pick germany, but i'm keeping my eye out for portugal *winks winks*